It was hot. Too hot for me to still be alive.

"Izaya."

Voices were calling my name from every single direction. Some male, some female, some older while others sounded younger.

"Your responsibilities. We are your responsibility."

I was surrounded by darkness. My body was floating aimlessly like a bubble inside of this darkness. I twisted and turned my head in a vain attempt to see anything, but alas, there was nothing to be seen. The sensation of being afloat went straight to my stomach. I gripped it, feeling slightly sick. This feels so familiar.

"I'm going to fall." I could remember this part of the dream – every dream. This dream had plagued me for the first few nights. The dream that teases me with the information of what happened. What truly happened to me. But why? Why did it change last night? It always started out with floating and that was always followed up by falling. Where I landed in every dream was a mystery to me; I still couldn't remember those details. So why did it change?

And just as expected, I suddenly fell.

"Izaya!"

I gasped and shortly after, my knees smashed into something solid. Celty was calling out to me as I landed in the middle of a ring of fire. The flames were hot against my skin and I felt a shiver run down my spine. It made me uncomfortable. Her voice was that of what I assumed it to be. Medium pitch for a woman with a slight rasp to it. It came from every which direction in a high screech. Why was she calling for me anyway? What was happening? Where was I?

The ground beneath me was black. Shadows encircled my wrists and slowly crept up my arms like they were trying to pull me back to the real world. Out of the dream, or the nightmare, and back to the realm of the living. They were quivering and curling about my forearms as they painfully dug into my flesh. I could feel them tugging and tearing at my skin, frantically trying to hold on. Whimpering, I let them drag me amongst the shadows.

"Izaya!" Her shadowed coils disappeared with a scream. A sweat broke out on my forehead instantly. My stomach dropped and my chest constricted. I vaguely knew what this feeling was. Fear.

"Celty?"

I reached out into the darkness with one shaking hand. "Celty don't leave me!"

She had saved me. She had been the only one who could save me, and for that I owed her. I respected her. She had saved me from my greatest fear; Death. Ironic really, that a Celtic death God had saved me from my own death, but the details didn't matter. All that mattered was that I was supposed to live.

But why did she let go now?

"Izaya, did you forget?"

A familiar voice called out to me. It was heavy and incredibly masculine. It was deeper than Shizuo's with enough malice to send a shiver straight to my gut. My eyes darted about but it was no use. I couldn't see anything besides the flames and pitch blackness. Nothing reflected from the light, no silhouettes or hints of living beings. I was still floating and I felt nervous, uneasy.

"I have forgotten." I said quietly. Somewhere deep inside of me, I knew I had forgotten something important. I clutched at my wrists protectively like they held the answers. My body was shaking despite the smoldering heat radiating from the flames. Sweat rolled down my forehead in a dramatic gesture while my eyes stung. I refrained from wiping it away.

"Ask nicely, and maybe I will tell you."

I knew that voice, but at the same time, I knew that the voice wasn't real. It wasn't really a voice because it wasn't really a person. It wasn't human.

I would know. I love humans after all, and humans only.

Swallowing thickly, I called out in a hushed whisper, "Please tell me the important things I have forgotten." It seemed to be the only way. I had forgotten important information and I knew I would never get it back by myself. I needed help. It was justified to ask for help once in a while, right?

I couldn't explain the shaking that wracked my body – it was so unlike me. I also couldn't place the ominous feeling that was swirling in my abdomen as the flames died down into nothing more than extinguished shadows.

An icy breeze swept over my thin frame and I shivered in the prolonged silence. I was seconds away from calling out again when I felt the shadowed coils wrap back around my arms. They clung desperately to me like I was the only thing keeping them grounded, and for the same reason, I gripped them back, hoping they would save me from my Hell.

"Here are your memories."

My eyes opened but my body didn't jerk into a sitting position.

For the first time in over a week, I woke up without panicking from my nightmares.

I stared at the ceiling for a moment as I blinked away the bleariness. Not a thought drifted across my mind. I sat up calmly and threw my legs over the side of the cot in an easy movement. No pain rippled from my chest or neck from the motion. The wounds were nothing more than history by that point.

My toes touched the warm carpet below and I shivered. Hanging my head, I squeezed my eyes shut as an invisible pressure weighed me down. It felt malicious and heavy and dark. My fingers tightened around the blanket underneath my hips as a cold pressure sunk into my stomach.

Shizu-chan, behind Russia sushi.

I slipped from the side of the cot and padded softly across the floor. I had traveled the same path almost every morning since the nightmares had started; since I had woken up at Shinra's. I would wake up any time from four to seven, but judging from how dark it was, I would say it was easily three in the morning. But those temporarily weren't important details.

This time I knew that my trip to the bathroom would be different.

I would walk out different.

I wrapped my hands around my stomach as I shivered lightly with my eyes downcast. All of the information was back in my brain where it was supposed to be. It was all there; I could feel it. But at the same time, I wasn't sure if I was ready to – or even wanted to – revisit my death.

I reached shakily for the handle of the door, pulling it open just to pause.

Running through the wet streets of Ikebukuro.

Swallowing thickly, I slipped past the doorway and headed straight for the bathroom. I could feel my face tensing and my eyes pricking. A cold sweat broke out across my forehead. Emotions were spilling from my heart and they were settling so heavily in my stomach that I wanted to just stop and lie down. Maybe curl up into myself. And cry.

I needed cold water or something. Anything substantial to stop the onslaught of memories as they slowly blossomed into haunting nightmares. I shook my head, not accepting what I was thinking. I was not a victim; I never would be. This couldn't be happening.

Getting cornered by Shiki's henchmen. He set me up.

As usual, the bathroom was pristine in the gentle moonlight. The small, circular window didn't have a curtain, providing me with a natural night light. I turned on the cold water in the dark and let it run. My hands gripped the porcelain sink as I stared at the rivulets of clear liquid as it fell down the drain. I swallowed dryly. My dry bottom lip found itself between my teeth.

Getting shot. Twice.

But I already knew all of this. I remembered all of these facts the night before, and honestly, they didn't bother me anymore. I could deal with them. They were real and solid enough that I could store them all in my revenge closet, and then make my attackers' lives a living nightmare.

But something happened after.

I splashed the freezing cold water onto my face and rubbed it into my cheeks for good measure. I inhaled sharply as the iciness pricked my skin like astonishment. I turned the tap off with my eyes still squeezed shut from the intense chill on my face. Love the burn. I shuddered at the sensation. Grimacing, I grabbed the nearest towel and rubbed at my skin with my eyes clamped shut. Who cared if it hurt. I needed something distracting as my memories pushed past the human aspect of that night. I only loved people. I was an atheist. I wanted to exist. I had one fear, and one fear only. And I didn't want to remember my experience with it.

Don't forget about Hell.

Emotions and thoughts suddenly assaulted me. It was like everything I had ever thought or felt suddenly exploded into physical, overwhelming pain. Muffled by the towel, a sob broke between my lips. My heart sunk in my chest, pouring out all of my withheld feelings. I had forgotten these sensations, and for once in my life, I wished I didn't know. My fingers were trembling and my legs were suddenly threatening to give out on me. I leaned forward on to the sink with one hand in an attempt to support myself. The towel did not leave my face. Shakily inhaling, I tried to calm my mind along with my senses. My stomach felt sick, my chest felt heavy, my head hung, and my heart hurt. Just relax Izaya. It's not that bad. I shook my head in an attempt to clear away the memories. It's not really that bad.

The spirits of all the vengeful souls.

Okay, maybe it is bad. I scrubbed at my face as if the motion would stop me from crying. My tears angered me. This wasn't control. Stop, stop stop, it's nothing too dramatic, why am I upset? My chest and shoulders were heavy. I couldn't think about this stuff right now. My stomach was doing flips and there was this violent tremor that refused to leave me. I know this feeling. It's so foreign, but what am I scared of? I moved a foot or two across the small room and sat down on the edge of the bathtub.

The ruler of Hell, and his special attention for me.

It was both a statement and an answer. The towel did nothing to muffle the next sob. It broke out before I could stop it, and I felt myself haunch further into it. I used it to cover my face like that alone would save me from what I was feeling inside. My stomach, if it hadn't been emptied prior, would have been relocating itself now. Vivid images flickered through my mind. I could remember everything. Every touch, every pull, every cut and bruise, every thrust, and every promising word that would eventually condemn me to an eternity there. I remembered them all. Even the feelings and emotions that had coursed through me during my stay. The guilt and shame I had felt when I realized how large scale my actions had been, and how I had ruined humanity, my humanity. I had always considered myself above remorse, so the emotion came as a shock to me. There had been so many people...

Being shot was the least of my worries.

My knees were shaking below my rested elbows, causing my face to jitter in my hands.

I whined as I tried to wipe away the tears; to wipe away the imprinted fear. The entire motion was futile for the towel was already damp. There was constantly moisture everywhere, and I couldn't seem to get rid of it. I wanted the tears to stop and the... frustration?... to go away. I don't even understand what I am feeling! Why am I so upset!? I only ever get this upset when I know-

The hallway light suddenly flicked on and the dimness of it would have blinded me had I not been hiding in the towel in my hands.

Five fears, Orihara, and a gift.

I wasn't stupid. The memories of my dreams had come back to me first, and I could distinctly tell them apart from what actually happened. I knew what had been real, and what had been dream.

Hell had happened.

Celty had saved me.

And I was now living my consequences.

So in a way, I was living my death. How appropriate. I sniffed, which indirectly turned into a snort, resulting in another choked sob. I pressed the towel harder into my face like it would hide me from whoever was walking in the hallway. I secretly hoped it wasn't Namie. We weren't on equal enough terms for her to see me break down – I also had a feeling that she would use it to blackmail me at some point too.

Socks slowly padded into the dark bathroom. They moved quietly and evenly, stopping directly in front of me several seconds later.

I took in a breath, leaning into my knees. Why can't they just leave me alone? The steps had been light; it was probably either Namie or Celty. Though Celty was borderline silent. It's probably Namie. What do I say to her? Compose. Compose. Compose. I need to compose myself, dammit!

A hand fell on my shoulder with awkward pressure like they were hesitating.

A gift, I am sending you back to the real world with a gift.

And I had a pretty good idea what that gift was.

"You could birth the sin you house."

It was then that I noticed that I was heaving, my breathing borderline hysterical and my body was quivering so badly I worried that I might break something just from shaking. This shaking will always signify my fear. The hand on my shoulder gave a light squeeze and it suddenly occurred to me that it was much larger than that of a woman's.

"Izaya."

I froze.

The voice was warm, gentle and low. My name rolled off of his tongue like honey, just like the colour in his eyes.

"Shizuo." I whispered almost inaudibly. I refused to drop the towel and look at him. I refused. I shook my head just as the shaking started back up again, and I rubbed at my face with the cloth in vain. He had been my happy place. During the worst part of the Hell experience, he had been my happy place. I swatted his hand from my shoulder, wrapping my arm protectively around my torso. I was embarrassed on a mortified level. "Leave me alone."

"No." His hand returned to my shoulder with more force than prior. "Why are you crying?"

I half expected him to not care – to mock me or use it against me – but then I realized that he was probably surprised. When did I ever show emotion? Let alone one so weak? He sounded confused. I don't blame him; I'm confused too.

I shook my head in avoidance and he growled in response.

"Do you remember what happened?" His voice lowered like he was nearing me. I flinched. I sniffed once more and then gently nodded my head. Might as well admit it... not that he knows what I actually remember... He sighed close enough that I knew he was sitting or kneeling in front of me. "Do you blame me?"

I swallowed as tears dampened the towel further. I shook my head to disagree. I only ever get this upset when I know that it is my own fault. I brought all of this onto myself. I sniffed, rubbing at my face again to pretend I wasn't crying. I probably looked pathetic. It was moments like these that reminded me that I was unfortunately still human.

Or maybe in this case, it is fortunate.

Shizuo sighed once again, his hand disappearing and then reappearing on my head. He ruffled my hair. I couldn't help the tension that formed in my shoulders. I almost chuckled at my own behaviour. Could a trip to Hell really traumatize someone like this? "I am surprised." He said simply. His fingers curled slightly as he thought. I flinched.

He was oblivious to my discomfort.

I rubbed my face once again and then sat up straight. Shizuo's hands disappearing from my hair. I pulled the towel from my face, dropping it to my lap. He was kneeling before me and looking up now to meet my eyes. I felt something lodge in my throat but quickly swallowed it. I wouldn't stoop so low to choke on my own emotions. "I don't blame you." My voice cracked. It sounded disgusting like I had just cried out my heart, and I inwardly cringed.

He nodded. I could tell that he was looking me over. The light in the hallway behind him was right in my face, no doubt illuminating my weary and distressed state while Shizuo remained shadowed in front of me. I could still see his features and those golden-honey eyes of his. They were trailing over my face, taking in every detail of my troubled expression. I felt my cheeks heat up and I looked shyly away.

"Do you blame yourself?"

I scowled with my face averted. Fresh tears pricked at my eyes. Of course I blame myself, but he shouldn't just ask me that right away!

"Shizuo, why are you doing this?" The caring and the whole being nice thing. I awkwardly re-clasped my hands together as I shifted on the porcelain tub. I avoided eye contact as I fidgeted. My chin dropped to my chest in foreign dejection. "Every time I woke up, you've been here. Why?"

He looked away too. "Maybe, I just want to help you get better." He seemed to find something incredibly interesting on the wall, and I couldn't help but glance back at him. Did he really just say he was going to help me? Guilt was an amazing thing.

Only now did I notice his state. His hair was a disaster and his eyes were half lidded from his tiredness. He had obviously woken up to me crying in the bathroom. Had I really been that loud? He had apparently fell asleep in his work clothes, so he must have been caught here rather late.

Wait, why is he sleeping here anyway?

A smile forced itself onto my lips. "That's almost logical of you, Shizu-chan." I chuckled as his face twitched at the nick name. Or maybe my words. Take your pick. "So we aren't enemies for now?"

"I wouldn't go that far." He grunted before standing up and turning away from me. He paused, glancing over his shoulder. He shoved his hands into his pockets casually, like we were mere acquaintances who had just happened to bump into each other on the street or something. "Are you done?"

I sniffed and then nodded.

His eyes didn't move, but his voice began to lower. "Will you be okay?"

"Yes, Shizuo."

He forced himself to sneer and then turned away from me. "Do yourself a favour and take a shower. You're grosser than normal." He made his way towards the door, his socks gently padding across the tile. I never noticed how light his step was.

"That's mean. I will shower only if Shizu-chan finds me my laptop so I can make myself feel better. Namie should have brought it." I remained seated even though I felt like standing. Leave it to Shizuo to make me uncomfortable in a bathroom.

Shizuo nodded as he turned to look at me. "I'll get you your bag. You better find the all those little shits that did this to you, so I can beat them into a pulp." He stopped in the doorway with just enough light peeking over his shoulder to illuminate his eyes. Dangerous gold glinted from the darkness and he may have been grinning. "You're mine to kill, and don't you forget that."