Flopping onto the couch with freshly showered hair and my oh so missed laptop, I felt calm. Calm and collected like the deadly broker I was.

Calm despite the chaos I was about to see.

It was time for me to research.

My sleek black laptop was booting up on my lap, the drivers wheezing from lack of use. I grinned into a cup of hot green tea – Shizuo had surprisingly made it for me. I had been shocked and almost suspicious when he handed me the cup, but all of those noted emotions had blossomed into as peculiar warmness.

I had ignored the fact with slight irritation.

He had left to go back to his own house before his shift – Apparently he had accidentally fallen asleep on Shinra's couch – and Namie still wasn't kicking around yet, so I had the quiet house to myself. For a little while, anyway. Celty and Shinra were sleeping still, though Shinra would probably be up and about soon enough. His sleeping patterns were hard to follow – they were almost just as sporadic as my old ones. Some days he slept in, other days he was up early.

Oh, the little things I had learned.

When my desktop loaded, I instantly headed to the internet. I decided to put off my plot for my attackers, for now. There were larger problems at hand for the moment. I doubt I'll need to take notes. I didn't feel like I was going to find anything useful – I wasn't falsely hoping anyway – but it wasn't like I had anything better to do with my time. I was slightly thankful that my emotional state changed almost every five seconds. I wasn't upset anymore, I had rationalized my situation and decided that it was okay; I had started my plot knowing very well what the cost of screwing it up would be. The only person to blame was myself, and I could live with that.

I chose this life. I can't cry over the consequences.

And that was all there was to it. Plus, I wasn't one for unnecessary emotion.

Hovering over the search bar, I took another sip of tea. Five fears and a gift.

Let's start with the fears.

I got a bunch of generic information that I was already aware of. Fear was a very vague word. At the end of the day, anything that caused an abnormal change in emotions and behaviour could be considered fear. The flight or fight responses were normally associated with fear, while the freeze response resembled horror or terror. Anxiety, dread, horror, terror, panic, stress, and anger were all factors of fear.

I'll be facing five of them. Maybe not necessarily five of these emotions... or maybe so. Maybe. He was too vague. There are way too many possibilities. I need to narrow them all down.

It was almost reassuring. Fear wasn't a very severe word. So when all gets said and done, I might not face anything life altering, or overly scary. Pfft, if I'm lucky. But that was the frustrating part. I didn't know what to expect. I was going about this like I would any normal case; like anything was possible. But the problem right now was that that possibilities were endless.

I threw my head back after only twenty minutes of reading to stare at the perfect white ceiling. I could feel my facial muscles were tightening against my will. What was I doing? I was simply trying to avoid the situation, which might be because of some form of fear all in itself. This is the problem. How do I know if I am scared because of that bastard playing with my life, or if I'm just scared because I'm me? Does he plan to change some part of me in order to make me scared, or am I naturally scared of some things? As long as I am me, I don't care what happens. I can figure it out. Or maybe I was still thinking too abstractly. But I need to expect the worst. 'Five fears', and that sentence had been paired with 'things to expect in Hell'. This wasn't just going to be some stroll through an uncomfortable garden.

I had been basically promised Hell on Earth. Right?

I groaned, closing my eyes. What am I scared of? I thought I was scared of death, but dying itself wasn't that painful or scary. It's what happened after. I grimaced at the thought of Hell. The flames that had licked my body. The fire apparition that promised me my downfall. Those clawed fingers of his. My mind instantly shut down and all of my thoughts abruptly stopped. I don't know if I can think about this. If anything, my newly acquired fears would be due to the traumatic events that had transgressed.

Hey. There's a good place to start.

Sitting up with new found – but still reserved – energy, I opened up a writing document to start brain storming. I need to be one step ahead of this.

Tapping the shift key, I wondered, Why five fears? Why not six or three? If anything, it would probably be biblical, like the devil himself. But there are so many religions that revolve around a Satanic ruler for those who do wrong, I could literally be searching for hours.

I sighed. I might have my work cut out for me.

Unstopped, I opened up the internet once again and began typing into the search bar. Might as well start with the symbolism of five, right?

Several clicks later, I found a page that told me the 'generic' symbolism behind the number.

- The number of Harmony and Balance.

Snorting, I almost closed down the page. Harmony and balance? I guess that sort of applies to me, I mean I am a man of control... though I can't confuse control with balance. Hmm.. actually... that doesn't make sense... I was in harmony with my true nature and all of my thoughts. But was that balance? And it's not about me, it's about fears. Fears in balance? Or is this reminding me that I have avoided my fair share of fears, thus causing the balance to become unstable? Will I eventually come to terms with them? Perhaps the number had truly been random, but just before I hit the back page button, something else caught my eye.

- Symbolizes the Man-God. Two for the unstable character of duality and three for divinity. Together, five, they create the Man-God.

Done. I was so done with the symbolism that I closed out of the page and refused to look at it any further. I doubted the number had been picked just to mock me of my God-like claim. Unstable character, pfft. So what if I may have found a false source? Even if the information wasn't wrong, I still wanted nothing to do with it. The fact that I had found this source at all was in a way ironic.

Personally, it pissed me off.

It was like the Devil was laughing at me discreetly. I tsked before changing my approach. This was a little bit ridiculous, and I already knew that the challenge would be enough to see me through. I had a feeling most of my research would end up like this.

Time to overcome my unwanted obstacles.

I decided to completely restart with everything that made me or could make me feel uneasy. I was well aware that fear could be learned, and traumatic events were perfect ways to sprout out new fears.

So I started a list.

- Guns. Touching. Hell. Fire. Demons. Shizu-chan.

Tapping my chin, I glanced around Shinra's nice and tidy living room as if looking for ideas. Like the fake plant sitting in the corner would remind me of something possibly traumatic. I tilted my head, narrowing my eyes at the plant. I wonder if I should order them from least uncomfortable to most uncomfortable. What else was there? Glancing to the page, I noticed that my thought process had brought out exactly five things – minus Shizu-chan of course – that could easily turn into fears. Is this it? It can't be this easy.

Smiling, I chuckled. If it really was this easy, then-

Scowling, I changed the document as a realization hit me.

-Guns. Touching. Hell. Fire.

-Demons.

My gift, I had forgotten about the gift.

Rubbing my stomach I groaned as I loaded the internet page again. The gift was a separate entity from the fears while still being a fear itself. The Devil had made that clear, and my stomach had made it clear as well. I didn't really want to speak my mind, but I felt as if it literally was a separate entity. Did I really want to type in, 'demonic male pregnancies' into my search bar? No. But I was going to just to see what it would tell me.

I typed the horrid words into the search bar and was frustrated with what I found. Everything was related to an Incubus preying on women, while men were approached by the female version. That was it. Just pages of female demonic pregnancies, whether the woman was human or not human, who were carrying half breed children.

There were no catastrophic, breaking news, articles about a man being pregnant. Obviously it is physically impossible. I am male, I was born male, I can't have babies. And this has probably never happened before.

I groaned, scratching my head. But I might be thinking to abstractly again. I mean, demonic spawns wouldn't need a womb to grow in, right? They wouldn't need nutrients or anything... so... I guess it could just grow in my stomach... like that movie with the aliens spawns that grew and then clawed and crawled their way out of people...

I rubbed my face harshly as I tried to make sense of it. I don't want a demon spawn clawing it's way out of my abdomen. That sounded painful and horrid. My research had been brief, and I knew there was more information out there and I just had to spend the time filtering through to find it. But I didn't want to become obsessive about it, and I almost didn't really want to know what would happen. There was the chance that I couldn't stop it, right? The demon? I might just have to go through with it, whatever the situation turned out to be like. The situation in itself was a fear, which was why it had been said 'Five fears along with a gift'. The gift was a fear too?

The more I thought about it all, the more my stomach flipped and the more confused I felt. If I knew these things were supposed to scare me, then wouldn't that prevent me from being scared in the first place? With that said, the events that were to happen to me would most likely be sudden.

I ran both hands through my hair with a harsh exhale before adding to my notes.

Just because Spirit Me had been... raped in Hell, didn't mean that Human-Flesh Me was carrying a demonic child.

I rested my head back with my hands on my face as I sighed roughly.

"And yes, a gift. And just for my own amusement, I will show you in life something like a preface for what you will face when you return here. You will face five fears, not including my gift, before you come back. Whether they make you or break you is wholly up to you."

What did it mean? Why five fears? Five fears to preface my life in Hell? Five fears to unite me as a demonic god? And a gift? Was it really a gift? He seemed to debate on what to call it so what was it really? A gift? A curse? Or was he just mocking me? And he said 'five fears, not including my gift', so did that really mean that this gift would cause me fear and stress and harm too? I was assuming so, because looking in to it had caused me immense stress. If there really was a demon growing in me, then it would eventually claw it's way out and surely I would die, just to go back there, with him. Forever.

I rubbed my eyes, my thoughts jumbling into a massive string of undecipherable chaos. My mood was starting to switch again and I wasn't liking the negative outlook I was getting. My breathing had picked up, and I wasn't sure what I was feeling.

I was Izaya Orihara. I didn't get worked up over supernatural things like this.

I need to spend so much time organizing this, wow.

Groaning, I glanced to the time. It was almost five in the morning. I took another sip of tea, trying to relax myself before I started again. Maybe I needed a break. Or five. I rubbed my sore stomach with both hands. I needed to calm myself again before I had a panic attack or something. Replacing the mask... and check. My mask is in place. I exhaled gently before glancing back to the computer screen with a new sense of calm and determination.

Time to get to work.

I woke up to a gentle squeeze on my shoulder.

I pried open my eyes and yawned. I was lying on my side, sprawled across the black couch with my laptop on sleep mode beside me. It was closed under my stomach, and it was warm. So warm. I almost snuggled back into the arm rest of the couch before remembering that someone had touched me. Confused, I pushed myself up from the cushion and rubbed at my eyes. I fell asleep? I glanced up to see who was responsible for waking me.

Celty, clad in a casual black dress that drifted down to her knees, waved at me before pulling out her phone. She seemed stiff. The dress looked like a sleeveless version of Erika's, leather with a zipper that went straight down the front. The neck was pulled open to frame her headless state, and two zippers closed off pockets half way down the sides. Half her biker suit, half an attempt at a summer dress. How cute.

"Morning." I mumbled.

[How long have you been out here?]

I glanced to the clock on the wall, just over the TV. It was half past ten. Sitting up, I reluctantly placed my laptop gently on the coffee table before stretching my arms above my head. My muscles creaked in protest. "Five, six hours maybe?" I said vaguely. How long did I sleep?

I smiled as I rested back on the couch, and she waved it off like it was nothing. Perhaps she didn't care where I slept, as long as I was sleeping. She suddenly turned away from me and disappeared into the kitchen without another message. I watched her go curiously. Her foot steps were silent. Where has she been all this time?

It almost felt like she was avoiding me.

Yawning once more, I powered up my laptop to see if my research had at least saved. When the screen loaded after about a minute and the ten thousand word document had been saved again, I irritably shut the whole thing back down.

Ten thousand words, and I had nothing except for basic ideas. There is probably a demonic spawn in my belly. And I will be facing five incredibly vague emotions due to fears of unknown levels, whether they be phobias, constant life fears, or distinct situations.

Celty then returned with a cup of tea. She handed me it, and I willingly accepted, before she rapidly began typing on her phone. She sat down when she was finished typing, scooting just slightly too close for my comfort.

[Shinra says you should drink lots of tea.]

I nodded, mumbling my thanks. I brought it to my lips and sipped it. Scalding water burned my tongue and I grimaced. Earl Grey. It tastes a little bit weak. I found myself momentarily missing Shizuo's green tea.

[Careful! It's hot. But I wanted to warn you that Shinra will be harassing you about eating when he gets back. He left earlier and noticed you on the couch and mentioned it. I think you should just do as he says.]

I sighed. These were things on my expected list. "I'm not trying to avoid it," I started, hoping to maybe talk some reason into her. I thought about what I had planned to say, and then ditched it all together, "But I'm avoiding it. I don't like throwing up, Celty, and if I can avoid that, then I will." I sipped the tea cup with a small but sad smile. Couldn't she understand?

Celty seemed to ponder this before typing out more.

[So what now?]

I blinked, and she seemingly understood that I didn't know what she meant by that. A new message was typed almost immediately.

[The streets think you're dead. Shinra genuinely wants to help you. He wants to see this through, and make sure that you are okay. And Shizuo hasn't been trying to kill you. I'm curious as to what you plan to do next. You're still the same you. If you keep this up, then you will end up really dying next time. I thought you might have learned something from this. You need to just let Shinra help you. He knows what you're feeling and can help you through this if you let him.]

I nodded, grimacing as I realized my options.

Did I really learn anything?

I could play dead and start a new life like Shinra wanted me to. I could try and reconcile with Shizuo, and maybe earn a new friend out of it. I could leave Shiki to believe he killed me and that I was never coming back. But all of this meant that I needed to change. Why do they want me to change? I knew my personality wasn't the most attractive, but still. My options were basically change myself, and become a new person.

Or I could get revenge. I knew the faces and names of those men. I could ruin them.

The choices and thoughts floated through my mind, but one persistent observation remained.

It didn't matter what I chose, because I would still be alone. If I decided to change and become a new person, then I would lose my old relations. And then I would just be worse off than when I had started. I don't need people to like me. I just need my humans. As long as they are here, I can continue to exist. It wasn't in my nature change so drastically, and I had no intention on indulging Celty in that idea.

Knowing me, I would change for the worse and become just likeable enough that everyone would forget about me and no one would bother to hate me. And in that case, what was life without my humans? I lived to love humans.

But then there was the problem with death. If I didn't have humans to live for, and I was afraid of death and the after life, then what would become of my existence?

I needed humans, and I needed to use them to change my death; my fate.

I didn't want to go back there.

But how does one weasel their way out of Hell? Especially when they have fallen so far down there already like me?

Grimacing I shrugged. My stomach was clenching and so was my heart. It wasn't fear, it was the sense of insecurity. How would I achieve this goal now? It was like starting a walking marathon and then realizing half way that you were supposed to run. To change my fate, or to not change my fate. Those were my basic options.

"I don't know what I plan to do yet. Shinra says I should stay low because of my injuries, and also because he doesn't know what else is wrong with me." I need to return to myself. I need my confidence back. I can't let this change me.

I watched her subtly tense and I grinned.

"Unless you want to tell me what happened? We all know there is something wrong with me physically, just no one seems to know what. Or rather. No one wants to tell me what." I didn't know if I was pestering her out of irritation or habit, but I secretly wanted to stop. The idea of 'going back to the way I was' and 'exploring the new options I had acquired' were battling inside of me. Which do I pick? My stomach gnawed at me and I felt pain shoot down into my hips. I stifled a grimace at the sudden discomfort.

She hesitated for the slightest second before typing a message to me. [What do you mean?]

"I mean about when I died." I said lowly. My eyes bore into where hers should have been, the smoke visibly quivering as it split into curling tendrils. I resisted wrapping my arms around my middle as the pain began to rise irritably. Something is wrong here. This is probably why she hasn't been around. Did something else happened?

She typed incredibly quickly. [What are you getting at? You didn't die. You're still here.]

I nodded, acknowledging her argument. "Yes, but you are a Death god, and you were the owner of the shadows that were wrapped around my forearms. I got shot in the neck. It didn't graze me, it went straight through. I should have died from either that or blood loss. But no. Here I am, and I remember being a spirit."

Celty froze with her finger hovering over her cell. The smoke emitted from her neck seemed to stop functioning.

Fear.

"Don't get me wrong, I'm not mad or accusing you or anything, but I just want to know what happened from your perspective, so I can figure out what is happening to me from my perspective. Because. Well." I rubbed the back of my head and glanced away. "Thank-you. First of all. You saved me, and I really appreciate that." I said meekly. Leave it to me to scare her smoke-less and then apologize for something relatively huge.

I knew she could sense my emotions. She seemed stunned, the black smoke choking and sputtering in it's trail from her body. She could probably feel my genuine appreciation. She had no idea how horrible it was down there.

Recovering rather slowly, she typed out another message to me calmly.

[Your welcome.]

She seemed to be at a loss of words.

"And. Something happened. And. I want answers?" I scratched my head, trying to be vague but specific at the same time. I also didn't want to be over bearing – I wanted an answer after all.

Celty nodded, showing me her phone.

[You died and I was able to pull your soul back.] She nodded but then hesitated.

"Tell me." I encouraged. I needed to know. My stomach flipped and I felt something sharp like a bite. I am ninety percent convinced there is a demon spawn in me. I shuddered. If the demon spawn was what was wrong with me, then Shinra couldn't help me, right?

My stomach seemed to agree, for it settled down. Can it communicate with me!?

She seemed unsure. [Well. You died, and I grabbed on to you. But you were slipping. I'm sorry. I may have weakened your life force, if that is what you meant?]

It took her way to long to type that. "What do you mean? Weakened my life force?"

[Well your spirit is weak right now. And you're tainted...] She quickly erased that message without showing me, I noticed, not that I was staring over her arm or anything. She replaced the confession with a more basic question. [Izaya, what do you know?]

I regarded her for a moment. Celty was a very straight to the point kind of being. I doubted I could word my way around, and I doubted she would stand for me to play word games with her. I decided to ask her straight out. "Is there something wrong with me now?"

[What do you mean?]

"I mean, Shinra doesn't really give a damn about anyone unless they are abnormal from humans."

Celty's shadows froze before they slowly started to curl. [Shinra is your friend. What are you trying to say?]

"I'm asking what happened. When I died. Something happened, so something must have changed and you told Shinra." My face hardened and I watched her stiffen. Her body is so honest. "He has never kept me around for so long before. He should have sent me home by now. He knows I heal rather quickly, and he's been oddly intrigued about my health. It kind of feels like I'm a lab rat."

[He is just worried! You almost didn't make it!]

"Something happened." I insisted. If playing stupid didn't work, then I would have to try and tell her what I was feeling. "You and Shizuo feel guilty. You both show it, but you have been avoiding me. And Shinra has been too curious about me. We both know that Shinra's true curiosity lies in the supernatural and unnatural, so I am simply asking this. What happened? What changed? I feel different, and not in a good way, and I have this feeling that you know why."

A smoke cloud puffed out angrily.

[Did you ever think that maybe Shinra is keeping secrets to protect you!?] She pulled the phone away almost to quickly for me to read it all. I had forgotten that she was so emotional. Whoops. I made her mad. [Did you ever think that maybe we have just tried to help you the past few weeks?]

Weeks? Shinra said I was out for a while... but he made it seem like a couple of days, a week at most. "Shinra is keeping secrets from me? I'm assuming about my condition? What happened?" Is there really something demonic living in me. I swear to God, I will cut this abomination right out of there if I have to.

Celty visibly shook. She had slipped up. [It doesn't matter! They are secrets for a reason!]

"Look, I'm asking nicely. What happened?" It was time to start mentioning the thing that may or may not actually be growing in me. How do I say this? Celty, I think I am pregnant with a demonic spawn? Surely Shinra couldn't test for that. It wouldn't be like a normal case, wold it?

No. Maybe I shouldn't ask...

It was then that the door abruptly opened. Shinra noisily skipped in with a whistle. He was clad in his regular attire; lab jacket and all, a large, worn out black duffel bag hanging at his side. The bag caught my attention, but then the situation at hand distracted me from the half formed thought of it. I recognized it, after all. It was Shinra's travel bag. Back from a job, I assumed, he seemed rather chipper. "Celty darling, I'm home!"

"Wait," I reached out to stop her, but Celty was already running up to Shinra in a hurry. No, I screwed around too long!

She ran up to Shinra, furiously typing on her phone, and I turned away, falling back on the couch with a huff. I fell into the cushions like a defeated child, finally sulking that I wasn't allowed any cookies. It would take Shinra maybe half a second to go from chipper and whistling to stiff and calculating. Maybe I felt a little guilty. Shit. I screwed up.

When haven't you screwed up?

I shuddered at my own retort. My moth dropped into a frown and I scowled at the dark TV. My reflection looked distorted, pale and ghastly. Like I was dying or already dead. I came back to the world of the living just to rot away and die in my own personal Hell.

"Celty dear, what is wrong?"

The furious tapping of a keyboard could be heard. Shinra was humming cheerfully, for a few seconds anyway.

"... Oh."

He appeared beside me in an instant with a forced smile. I almost jumped from how quick he had been. His hands were shoved casually into his pockets as he made his way around the couch, eyes never meeting mine. His steps were loud and easy to predict.

"Izaya."

"Shinra."

Shinra sighed before coming to sit beside me. He draped his arms over the back of the couch. I avoided looking at him. Pouting because I knew I was in trouble. I'm such a kid around him. I didn't know why I tolerated it, but I let Shinra boss me around most of the time. He just had that effect on me. "So I hear you know about your little trip to the after life."

"Yes. Now what happened?" I was a little impatient due to the fact that demons wold probably end up knocking at my door quite literally. If not Celty, then the Devil himself would come looking for my head. I crossed my arms. My stomach was growling, but not in the hungry fashion. It seemed mad, irritated by Shinra's presence.

Actually, it had been mad and irritated since I had woken up.

"So rude, as usual." Shinra said. His face twitched but he didn't look too irritated. He also was still avoiding my gaze. "Don't harass Celty about it anymore. It's one of those things that's better left unspoken."

"Then I will be going home." I said simply. No point in hanging around just for Shinra to take blood samples from me. He couldn't help me, they couldn't help me, so as usual I would just have to take care of myself.

I was more than capable of that.

The back of my mind told me that this was wrong, but the irritation in my stomach subsided at the thought of home and distance from so many people. Relief washed over me.

Shinra chuckled. He finally glanced over to me, chocolate brown eyes harsh. "Running won't save you from your hell."

I glanced to Shinra in panic. Did he know? He couldn't have. I obviously stiffened and my glare probably gave away my discomfort.

Shinra simply grinned with an eerie look in his eyes. "You'll have more problems if you leave now. You can't even take care of your human side, let alone the sickness eating at you."

"And that is supposed to mean what?" I stood up, fixing my shirt and grabbing my laptop. I felt nervous and almost sick. The relief that had flooded me a moment ago was already gone, and in it's place there was raw discomfort. But with the laptop under my arm and three feet between Shinra and myself, I felt slightly better.

"When you died, what happened?" His voice softened and I almost told him everything that was suddenly eating me away. Almost. What stopped me was a furious bite inside of my belly. It took everything not to flinch. Shinra looked curious, gently so. His eyes flicked to my stomach for a fraction of a second before returning to me face. I almost flushed, because I almost felt embarrassed about it. He knows something supernatural happened, but he doesn't know what? Or does he know and just wants me to admit it?

I shook my head. "When I came back to life, what happened?" I needed answers before he did.

He merely grinned at my rebuttal. "Well. We certainly have a problem on out hands." He too stood up, brushing the imaginary dirt off of his jacket. He fixed his glasses before looking me squarely in the eyes. All of that care and softness was gone. "If you're going to be like this then you can leave. If you don't want my help, then you can also leave. If you don't plan to be open with me, even though I might be the only one who can help you, then just leave."

I froze. Is Shinra kicking me out? I'm pretty sure I wanted to leave but suddenly...I nodded, raising my chin. He couldn't see it on my face, but my jaw tensed. "Then that is what I should do. I think I have over stayed my welcome." I turned on my heel, heading to the room I had been staying with. My heart clenched, telling me that this was the wrong choice. My chest was quivering and I felt sick again. There was some odd ease in my belly though, leaving me confused. Am I doing the right thing? Is this the right thing to do? I don't really want to go... Shinra followed me closely and paused in the doorway. I grabbed my now repacked bag and threw it over my shoulder.

"Oh, and until you fix that ego problem of yours, don't call me."

Swallowing dryly and avoiding eye contact, I turned around and shoved past him to get out. To get far, far away.

As soon as I walked out the front door, I knew I had made the wrong choice.