Shizuo's voice rang clear in my mind and I blinked. Was I on the floor? The blonde looked both pissed and worried – he had somehow managed to mash both expressions onto his face in an ugly sort of way. I was indeed on the floor, curled up in to a little ball of shaking bones. My wrists were still trapped in his hands, suspended above my head. My teeth had started to chatter as I relived the experience. Well. This is new.

Shizuo let out an animalistic growl and I froze painfully. My knees pressed together as I pulled them closer to my chest. Is he mad at me? Eyes flicking up, I didn't speak. I couldn't speak.

"Who. Did. What." He was shaking with unexpressed rage. The rage I remembered him to have. The rage that could keep him fighting for hours on end, ripping everything up from the ground. I shivered pleasurably, welcoming the familiarity of it. Everything had changed so much. The stability felt nice. The air was tense around us still, and I didn't overly want to answer his question. He dropped down on his heels to level his eyes with mine. He didn't say anything, but I knew he was searching for an answer.

The fire behind his glare was enough to make me whisper without thinking.

"I died."

He stared at me hard for a moment, and I almost thought he wouldn't accept that as an answer. My mind began to string incoherent words together in an attempt of explaining my statement. But then he closed his eyes, his breath leaving through his nose as he understood what I meant. I faced my greatest fear. And it is now my extra-greatest fear. He visibly relaxed a little bit before shaking his head. "How long?"

"Huh?"

"How long have you known?" Shizuo asked quietly. I almost didn't hear him speak. I stared at him, confused. He knew?

"Since. Since that night when you found me in Shinra's bathroom." I whispered. His eyes were still closed. Was he avoiding eye contact? Or was this something else? "You... you knew?"

"We all do."

I felt more blood drain from my face. So this whole time I've been suffering alone? Even though they knew? Wait! If they know, then that means that Shinra... Something fuzzy suddenly exploded in the bridge of my nose. It worked it's was into my head and my world spun. Vision, hearing, equilibrium, everything. "What?"

"What happened?" Shizuo asked, ninety-nine times more gentler. "When... you died?"

I stared at him wide eyed and horrified. I shook my head, pulling my wrists free from his lingering grasps and grabbing my stomach. I shakily inhaled.

"I'm assuming you didn't end up anywhere pleasant." He theorized. His eyes cracked open to stare at me. He blinked twice before they widened and he reached out to touch my face. I jerked back and he stopped in his tracks. "You're crying again."

I brought my hands to my cheeks and sure enough, they were wet. No, no no no no, this is not how any of this was supposed to happen- this wasn't supposed to happen at all actually! My hands slipped over my eyes as more tears rolled down my cheeks. A frustrated sigh escaped from between my lips before the shuddering breath.

Shizuo sighed before seemingly coming to a decision. He leaned forward and pulled me close. I willingly fell into his chest for the first time in my life, and I revelled in it's warmth. I didn't feel any fear or panic, just comfort. What a guy. He groaned in what normally would have sounded like annoyance, but it sounded more exasperated than normal as he awkwardly wrapped his arms around me. "You're such a dumb ass. You should have just talked to Shinra instead of yelling at him. It would have done you so much more good."

I chuckled faintly. Oh, slow Shizu-chan. Shinra's not mad because I yelled at him. The tears were easier to stop once his warmth had seeped into my chilled bones, and I pulled back from him as soon as I could. It was strange to me, accepting comfort like that. It left me feeling confused and maybe even embarrassed. "I should be on my way..."

Shizuo sneered. His eyes met mine and held them harshly. "Now you listen here. We're not done talking about this, and you look like shit, and you need to apologize to Shinra, and your damn secretary called! So. You might want to hurry up and just tell me so you can leave."

I can't tell you. I shuddered, wrapping my arms around me. "You might want to just stick that adhesive to my forehead and send me back to bed."

He suddenly looked shocked. Of course he forgot about the injuries. A growl suddenly rumbled from within his throat and he turned away to grab the cloth I had abandoned earlier. Wetting it underneath the slow stream of water from the faucet again, he turned back to me angrily.

Without saying another word, he cleaned up my head wound and patched it up. We both remained stubbornly silent as Shizuo put all of the stuff away. It wasn't until he tried to drag me out of the bathroom by the arm, that I spoke up.

"You simple minded brute, how about you turn on the lights first?" I suggested, planting myself firmly between him and the threshold. He was not forcing me out of there, no way.

Shizuo scoffed. "What, are you scared of the dark now or something?" He bickered, giving me a warning shove to which I resisted. I fell a few steps forward – he was the strongest man in Ikebukuro after all.

I didn't answer. I didn't feel up to answering him. There was movement in the shadows and with Shizuo Heiwajima or not, I wasn't stepping amongst them. They were still talking. I couldn't hear them as clearly thanks to Shizuo's presence, but I could still hear the distant murmur. Nope. Not happening. I'm not going out there.

He growled again, quickly knocking my knees out from beneath me. I gasped as I fell, and he caught me by my shoulders, picking me up like I weighed nothing and walking into the darkness of the hall. I didn't protest or speak my fears, even as the voices suddenly started to shout and became too loud for me to handle. I simply curled into his chest with my eyes squeezed shut and hoped that it would all be over soon.

He dried to dump me on the bed, in the dark, but I was clinging to the front of his shirt so embarrassingly tight that I didn't fall away like he had planned. There was an awkward grunt before Shizuo decided to just sit down with me attached to him like a parasitic entity. The frown on my face was so intense that I thought it might become permanent. When did it come to this?

How ironic.

His chest heaved beneath me and fell into a heavy sigh. "Izaya," he said lowly in a warning. One arm was wrapped around my waist while the other was sliding up my back to make sure I didn't fall. I couldn't tell if he was trying to comfort me or to keep me from falling, but I ended up gripping his shirt tighter as the sensation fluttered into the wrong kind of emotion. Please don't. "You're being an idiot so just go back to sleep."

I shook my head, my eyes squeezed shut as I whimpered. "Can I sleep in the living room?" I was already caught in the embarrassing state, I might as well get something out if it, right? If I had the choice, things wouldn't be this way.

"It's like five in the morning and I doubt I'm going back to sleep. I'll be in the kitchen and the lights will be on and I'll be moving around and all that." He muttered like that was enough reason for me to sleep alone in his bedroom. He also sounded irritated like I was a small child who was refusing to go to bed. "You're not leaving until you tell me anything. So if you want to tell me now and then go, then go ahead."

Sleeping in the living room, however, sounded fantastic to me.

"That's fine. The living room is fine." I said weakly. I didn't want to talk about it yet. I nodded and he seemed to give in.

He seemed to understand that something wasvery wrong, and decided to just let me have my way. His chest fell in another exhale in defeat, before he picked me back up, grabbed a thin blanket, and carried me into the living room where he dumped me heedlessly on the couch. We were both shocked; he probably expected me to still have my death grip on him. I sunk into the couch cushions, noting that they were quite comfortable; more so than the bed. He turned on the lamp that had been sitting on the end table, and I felt myself relax.

"It'll be light out soon. Just try and sleep." He muttered quietly before standing back up. "I don't know what happened, but you need to pull yourself together."

I nodded, shifting beneath the blanket as I got comfortable on my side. I dropped my head against the arm rest and sighed. The couch was nice. My heavy eye lids slipped closed before I had the chance to argue with them.

Sleep hit me fast and hard – leaving my floating aimlessly amongst the darkness of my life once again.

I woke up feeling good.

Extremely good.

My eye lids twitched as the morning sun filtered into the room through a slightly open curtain, but I didn't feel like getting up. My body was tired still, but abnormally comfortable. I haven't felt this comfortable in a long time... Maybe I could get up in a few minutes. I took the time to appreciate the warmth of the sun on my face with a gentle smile on my lips. My body felt well rested for the first time in a long while, and I couldn't help but hum in appreciation. My glee was short lived though as the first thoughts of the day floated into my mind. My happy grin flipped into a frown and I tensed up beneath the softness of the blanket above me.

There were three things that I knew for sure.

One, I seriously needed to pull myself together, two, I was now aware that I was terrified of the dark, and three. There was another fear that I didn't even want to mention yet.

The dark fear – I did not know whether it was the darkness itself or the spirits and demons – was practically etched into my brain. I could feel it course through my body and it set my mind into a panicked state. The darkness behind my lids was enough to force me awake. I woke up with this awareness, and as my rusty eyes gently flicked open, I set forth my best masks to keep myself together.

There was no point in expressing emotions. There was no point in admitting it either. The situation, everything about it, was what is was, and there was nothing I could do about it. I had spent countless hours worrying and fretting over the change, when in reality, I probably should have just accepted it and moved on, conquering it.

That was what the old me would have done, anyway.

I sat up from the couch easily. A thin blue blanket fell from my shoulders as I yawned and stretched my hands above my head lazily. Off in the distance, there was a clock ticking along with the sizzle of something cooking in the kitchen. A delicious smell wafted into the living room, and I stood up to follow the scent like a hound dog. Ignoring the simplicity and plainness of the room, I walked, still rubbing sleep from my eyes as I turned the corner.

I was met with Shizuo standing at the stove, frying what looked like scrambled eggs in his navy plaid pyjamas. He had on that white shirt still, and I practically had to force my eyes away from how taut it was pulled across his shoulders. He had a hand on his narrow hip like the tedious task of cooking royally irked him, while the other hand wielded a plastic black spatula. He glanced over his shoulder casually, his harsh eyes lingering on mine for a second too long. I met him evenly, still forming my defences for the day.

"Morning, Izaya-kun." He muttered irritably. He turned back to the food, and I noticed a glass of milk sitting on the table.

I forced my best grin onto my face before skipping into the kitchen. "Good morning, Shizu-chan." I sat myself down in a chair at the table and grinned as honey eyes turned to meet mine in irritation again. I leaned back, clasping my hands in my lap, and meeting his gaze with my signature smirk. He seemed to observe me carefully before speaking.

"You seem rather... normal today." He took the pan off of the burner and slid the eggs onto a plate with some toast. My eyes scanned over the counter, noticing the disaster he had created from simply cooking, and also realizing that he had made only one plate of food.

Tssk. It's not like I can eat anyway.

I grinned brightly despite feeling a bit unloved for not being included for breakfast. "How good for you to notice. It's rather hard to be constantly emotional, so I thought I'd take a break and harass everyone today." I sighed. Yes. It was good to be normal again. I couldn't even remember the last time I had moped for days straight.

Despite everything that was happening, I had been acting slightly over dramatic. Like Shizuo had said, I hadn't been myself since the incident. If I am going to overcome this, I need to keep my emotions in check still.

I had dreamt after Shizuo let me sleep on the couch, but I couldn't remember what had happened. The only thing that I was certain of though, was that the dream had been pleasant and motivating. Dreams like those had not occurred since the incident. Unlike my plaguing nightmares, I had woken up feeling good and refreshed, well rested like the theory of fears and gifts didn't really matter. Feeling like myself. Feeling hopeful. I won't let this Hell ordeal control me.

It simply wasn't in my nature.

Shizuo smiled before setting the incredibly full plate down in front of me. I raised my eyebrows in surprise as I glanced at it. "Good. Because once you get better and become truly annoying again, I can kill you without hesitation, right?"

I blinked, still grinning. I glanced up at him from beneath my lick lashes. He's feeding me?

He handed me a spoon, averting his eyes from my teasing own, and I took it, once again stunned.

"Eat. Shinra's orders." His eyes flicked to mine as he took a seat across from me. His facial features showed anger once again, but his actions were screaming something else. He crossed his arms, eyeing my harshly. Challenge radiated from his glare. He knew I had wronged Shinra, but yet he was still talking like we were good friends. Wait, Shinra's orders? As long as I resisted Shinra's treatments – medical and suggestive – the longer it would take for me to get back in his good graces. Perhaps Shizuo knew this. Perhaps Shizuo wanted me to overcome this little mishap, so that we could all go back to the way we had been. He too was a man of routine – unpredictable routine, yes, but routine none the less – and just like myself, he wanted to go back. Though I couldn't be sure. Maybe, just maybe, forever-forgiving Shinra was still looking after me?

I didn't let it phase me. Instead of scowling, which I had been doing way too often, I grinned brighter. I decided to lead my mind away from complicated thoughts by simply changing the topic. "I didn't know Shizu-chan could cook. But you know, I have a real sensitive stomach right now and I don't want to make myself sick just because you think you can cook when in reality, you can't." I rubbed my belly for emphasis, resisting the look of disgust that almost formed on my face as I realized that the swell had gotten larger.

I'm fine. It's fine. Don't panic because I can fix this. I can fix everything. I grinned brightly, hiding.

Shizuo sneered. He shut his eyes and whipped his pack of cigarets from his pocket. "Sensitive stomach my ass. You can leave whenever you want to. But you are eating first, and then you still have to tell me what happened." His eyes met mine again in an unrelenting force. "You're skin and bones now. You look fucking disgusting."

"Awwh, so mean." He was over exaggerating. I had lost only a couple of pounds over the past two weeks, maybe five. Or ten. But details, details. I cooed, picking up half a slice of toast and pulling it apart, "can't you be nice?" I glanced down, noticing that once again, margarine was slathered across the white bread. My lips pulled into a frown. I dropped the toast and picked up the spoon. Who eats eggs with a spoon anyway? I noticed that Shizuo's eyebrow twitched.

"Don't make a mess, flea bag, and don't pick at it. You're eating it." He popped the head of a cigarette from the pack and picked it out with his lips in obvious irritation. Good, that was the Shizu-chan I remembered. It brought a smile to my face to see us acting so normal again, despite the fact that he was forcing me to eat in his house and he wasn't throwing anything. Apparently all I had needed was a wake up call, and then back to normal I went. "I like you better when you're being an ass though. You're so melodramatic when you're emotional. Kind of like a school girl. Actually. Worse than a school girl."

I scooped up some eggs but didn't eat them. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me." He challenged. Was he just being hard on me so that I could hurry up and go back to the way I'd been? I don't want to be that person anymore. The enjoyable path I was walking was not worth the final destination.I want to be myself, but I don't want to go back to Hell. And I don't want to forever be that sobbing, lying, pathetic guy like I had been for the past few weeks. "You're acting like the fucking victim of some terrible plot when you're not, so eat so you can leave."

My mouth dropped open. Is he serious!? I masked my shock by eating the spoonful, careless as to whether I could stomach them or not. Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I chewed quickly and swallowed. Irritation was visible on my face. There goes Shizu-chan, stating the plot line and then disregarding it again. Retorts were already forming in my head and – wait, those eggs were good.

All rebuttals were silenced as I took another bite. What did he put in these? My stomach suddenly came to life, reminding me that I had eaten practically nothing since the incident. Most of what I had eaten had been thrown up followed by, in my own dramatization, half of my blood volume. My mouth suddenly wet and I shoved another spoonful into my mouth. Demon in my stomach or not, I was eating and the little prick wouldn't be stopping me.

Before I knew it I had finished the plate – margarine slabbed toast and all – and was nibbling at the egg remnants that littered it. I glanced up just in time to see Shizuo grinning with a satisfied smirk on his face. I too smirked. He turned his head away, resting his chin in his palm like he was bored, and wiggling the unlit smoke between his lips. "Now sit here and let it digest. You're not throwing up in my house or outside."

I set down the spoon and tilted my head. I looked away then, a shy smile forming and I felt my heart flutter. Thank you.

It was supposed to stay in my head, but apparently I had spoken out loud, for Shizuo muttered "you're welcome" only a couple of seconds later. I felt my face heat up and I avoided looking at him. What is this? Maybe my masks were still weak. I had literally formed them over night, after all.

We sat in comfortable silence while my stomach gurgled. I was grinning like an idiot while I leaned back in the chair, fingers splayed across my abdomen. The demon was rolling in my stomach comfortably. Maybe it was done causing me pain. The only food I have kept down in a week is nothing other than Shizu-chan's cooking!

"You know. I'm surprised you changed over night like that." Shizuo muttered. I met his glance, still rubbing my belly.

"Oh?"

Shizuo chuckled, grinning. "Always have to be dramatic, don't you? I feel like now you are half that pathetic kid I picked up yesterday, and half that ass of a man I used to chase down the street."

I titled my head, slightly confused. What is he going off about? Finally, I sighed, feeling as though it was time for me to leave. When does he ever make sense anyway?

I stood up from the chair and practically skipped across the room. My jacket was laying across the back of the couch, and I picked it up carefully to slip it onto my shoulders. Shizuo had followed me into the living room and was eyeing me skeptically. "You're going?"

I zipped up my jacket, drowning in the warm fur that lined the hood, and grinned. "Yes. I feel much better." He looked confused, but unphased. My mood and personality was unpredictable as usual. I had been out of character for a while, so changing back suddenly sure had my nemesis on edge. I couldn't stop the childish giggle that erupted from me. I skipped to the front door, my fingers brushing against my switchblade and my cellphone in their respective pockets. I turned just as I was about to open the door, honest crimson meeting accepting honey.

"You can't leave." He said simply, to my dismay.

"Oh, and why not?" My hand was already resting on the door knob. All I had to do was turn it and flee. But why should I run? I shouldn't have to, there's no point. I can't run away from reality.

"We haven't talked yet." Despite how aggressive he sounded, he made no move to stop me.

I tilted my head, chuckling. "Shizu-chan, did you ever stop to think that maybe I can't tell you?" Because in all honestly, why would I tell my worst enemy about my weaknesses?

He seemed to regard me for a second before turning away. He glanced at his TV like it had been playing his favourite documentary or something. "Whatever. Don't come crying to me next time this thing gets you, whatever it is. Go to Shinra. Stop being such a stubborn fuck and just tell him, okay? He can help you if you just talk to him."

I chuckled. "I know he can help me." A smile was sitting comfortably on my lips now. I felt okay. Hopeful. Strong. I didn't have to tell Shizuo though that I couldn't be helped. I'd have to admit what was wrong, what had happened, and I couldn't do that. I just couldn't.

I knew this. I had accepted this. So I needed to deal with my situation in my own way. Unless all five fears struck me at once, I doubt I would break enough to spill everything to anyone.

I turned the door handle and swung the door open. "Thank you for your hospitality." I said in an ungrateful sort of way. I grinned as I crossed the threshold before suddenly feeling cold. Why was Shizuo's place so warm to me? I glanced over my shoulder, somewhat happy to see that the blond was watching me go. "Perhaps I will see you on the streets again."

He grinned in that aggressive manner I loved.

I might not have been able to tell Shizuo about my meeting in Hell. And I might not have been able to tell Shinra earlier. But I was smart. I was still Izaya Orihara, despite the fact that one of those spirits had called me a monster. I was one of the top rated informants in Japan, and I had somehow acquired information about my life after death.

And I was most certainly smart enough to use that information to benefit me, and to change the outcome of my fate.

"Shizu-chan. I'm going to fix this."