It had been an entire, long, excruciating week since I had left Shizuo's. On my way out, I had promised to fix the mess I had created, but alas, I was struggling greatly.

In one week, I had suffered more pain then I had ever known before. The normally pale skin beneath my navel had actually bruised from the terror inside, the terror which I called 'the little shit' amongst other things. It had been fine the day I had woken up at Shizuo's, but as soon as I set forth a plan to get myself on the right track in life, all hell had broken loose.

It was completely unpredictable, and just like me, its intentions seemed to change every five minutes.

It wouldn't let me eat. I would just throw up everything in my stomach along with some very needed blood. It wouldn't let me sleep. When ever I drifted off, it would scratch or pinch my insides, sending blinding pain into my hips and forcing me awake. It wouldn't let me even function like a normal human being. Some days it would scratch just lightly enough to distract me from whatever it was I had been doing. Or it would bite me just gently enough to make me reconsider going out. Some days, I could not walk due to the pain, while other days, I could not speak without it gnawing or clawing me just as I opened my mouth.

And that was just the 'gift'.

What I liked to call 'Fear Number One' was a hellion all in itself as well. My apartment remained lit up like a Christmas tree all day and all night. There were to be no shadows, for I knew the terrorizing ghosts could only manifest in the darkness. I had tried to face them only once since I had gotten back, but for lack of a better description, it was intense shit. I tried to fend them off in my bedroom by flipping the light off and yelling at them – after Namie had gone home of course. They had spawned from the darkness itself, floating silently in their anguish. They would float and whisper and call my name. I had found out that they could latch onto me, finger like protrusions wrapping around my limps and dragging me across the carpet. They would insult me, and tell me things about myself that I had never spoke of, and they were constantly reminding me that they were waiting.

They were waiting to condemn me for eternity, or until they could rest peacefully.

Which was not likely, because that contracted most theories on Hell.

I had feared that they would drag me into the darkness, and thus the darkness itself had manifested into a fear. They went hand in hand. Now, I wasn't one who was easily scared, but when hundreds of shadow like creatures were engulfing me to the point where I couldn't see anything but black, and promising to degrade and violate me in ways that only the most guarded part of my mind had dreamt of, all the while dragging me possibly back to the literal Hell I survived...

Well. After screeching my voice raw and thrashing so hard that I may have sprained my wrist, I decided that they were a force to be reckoned with. Thus, the lights had remained on. Day and night.

I was a person who could not sleep with so many lights on, but there was no way I was shutting any of them off now. So between the Demon spawn, ghosts, and the lights, I had slept next to nothing. An entire week I had spent, slaving away at my computer with a dull pain rumbling through my abdomen. My skin was sickly pale and dark bags had formed under my eyes. Every now and then my actual stomach would growl in fury for the lack of food I had put in to it. Every day it tempted me with cravings, and slowly but surely I had come to ignore it entirely. There was to be no eating, for eating would only make things worse.

"Izaya,"

I had also become conscious of 'Fear Number Three'. It was a peculiar one that wasn't quite as defined as 'Fear Number One', but it was there, and I was slowly understanding the concept behind it as the days went by. It was stupid and I knew it. It frustrated me greatly, but I faced it every day with Namie when she gave me that questioning look. Questions. I felt an unnecessary sort of panic whenever she asked me a personal question. But that wasn't the fear. I still didn't fully understand what it was.

How incredibly frustrating.

When He said I would face five fears, I had come to assume that it would be an incident, like the shooting. But no. It had been weeks since the incident, and the fears were only now appearing, screwing up my every day life.

Apparently He meant five fears for life.

And that was all fine and dandy when it came to 'Fear Number Two'. Because I knew exactly what the fear was. But there was no point in talking about it, because it would never happen to me anyway. I would never let it. I had discovered this fear back in Russia sushi, when Shizuo had me cornered in the bathroom. And ironically, I had been facing 'Fear Number Three' at the same time. Looking back, it was ridiculous. Completely ridiculous. These were normal things that normal people had problems with.

I couldn't live like this. I would die before I could set things right simply because I could no longer function and take care of myself. How was I supposed to fix my life if He was hindering me from even doing basic human tasks!? I couldn't even eat like a normal human being! I had survived five days on ice cream and Popsicles and tea! That was literally all I could stomach!

"Izaya, stop brooding."

I blinked.

I was lying on my back on my couch with a cold, wet cloth placed to my forehead. Headaches had been plaguing me thanks to my lack of nutrients and sleep, and the couch had become my best friend. I was sprawled out casually in my regular black jeans and an oversized fuzzy grey sweater. There was a fleece red blanket wrapped around my lower half and I had somehow tangled it around my socked feet. I fidgeted with a sigh before shivering.

I had lost approximately ten more pounds, thus my natural body temperature had noticeably dropped. Even with the heat on, I found myself constantly shivering from a slight chill. I didn't have ten pounds to lose. If Shinra wasn't still mad at me, he would be beating me by now and forcing solids down my throat.

Namie stalked over to where I lay, sitting down on my glass coffee table to talk to me directly. This had become a habit of ours; she seemed to be spending more personal time with me than before. It had been weird at first, but now I found it interesting, because my stoic and cold secretary suddenly had nice feelings towards someone other than her little brother.

She had been adamant on trying to rid me of my headaches – in the name of science or for my own sake, I was not sure. I couldn't say I hated it, but at the same time, it still irked me. I admit that I was an attention whore, but when it came to personal matters, I didn't want any spectators, and she most definitely was a spectator. She was almost as bad as Shinra. Almost.

At least Shinra couldactually help me.

She was dressed in her usual attire; short black skirt and a solid emerald turtleneck. Her long black hair fell over her left shoulder as she leaned in closer to me, her dark eyes narrowed in thought. She tapped her foot, which was a habit I had noticed over the past few weeks. Had she always been so jittery? I couldn't remember.

Perhaps I just never noticed? Not likely.

The idea of things slipping by me was unnerving. What else had I missed over the past few weeks? Normally I was on top of everything, knew everything, and could say everything. But lately, I found myself learning something new about what should have been my every day life, every second that I breathed.

I let the cloth drop from my forehead as I sat up, forcing my best grin to my face. "Hello Namie." It was almost noon, or just after noon – I couldn't remember and I had no need to find out. Namie wasn't working, so she must have been on her lunch break already. I sighed but offered her a friendly smile. What does she want now? She already over dosed me on Advil yesterday...

"Don't fake with me." She said coldly. She had always hated it when I masked myself. All the more reason to do it. She raised her hands and reached forward, stopping just before her fingers brushed my skin. I forced myself not to flinch away. For some reason, the close proximity had me backing off. It hadn't started like this, but 'Fear Number Two' was growing, and I found myself defending my personal space more often than before. I didn't want anyone near me. If only I could just admit it. I scoffed irritably at my own acknowledgement. The fears had been steadily growing to intolerable levels, like the lights. I used to be able to at least sleep in the dark. Now, not so much. "Let me try something."

"Anything for you, darling," I teased with a grin, though it quirked into something more fearful the second she moved. She sneered, her long, thin fingers finding my temple. I tensed at first, but exhaled in an attempt to relax. Namie won't actually kill me, right? Her ring and middle fingers pressed into my head from both sides before slowly rubbing into a relaxing circle. Her eyes were dark as she stared at me and her mouth was drawn into a tense line. What is she thinking about? I closed my eyes as a fleeting tingle seeped out from her touch. Playing it safe, I kept talking, "You know, you've always been so cold, why the change of heart?"

"Hm. I want to get paid, and you're more of an ass when you're irritated or in pain." She lied. She added her pointer fingers into the mix, rubbing just above my ears. I shuddered as the tension began to ebb away. I heard myself gasp lightly, it feels so good. I kept my eyes shut and fought off the need to press my head into her left hand. "And there's something wrong with you. Not going to lie, it's kind of creepy. I've seen you function perfectly through the flu before."

"Hmmmm..." I meant to tease her, but it turned into a happy moan. The fact that I had accepted her advance told her that something was very wrong. Anything to temporarily lessen the pain. I was sort of possibly desperate.

I really hated admitting weakness.

Her fingers slowly worked up my scalp and into my hair line, and I could feel the headache that had been plaguing me for a few days begin to fade. I heard her snicker as my restraint broke, and I subconsciously pushed myself into her left hand like a cat when she touched a rather sensitive spot behind my ear. She indulged me, and continued to rub, slowly working her fingers further into my hair line.

"Shiki is going to be here in about an hour. You might want to shower or something. You know. To look presentable?" I leaned further into her hand, only half hearing her. I was in bliss. Complete, momentary, bliss. Because I hadn't felt this good in days.

"Mmmmmmm..." I tried to agree almost a minute later, but her fingers felt so good. I never would have agreed had she told me up front what she planned to do – simply to save myself from doing anything embarrassing, like curling into her fingers while I basically purred - but right now, I was glad I let her. Once again, I felt a tingle ripple through my skull, temporarily soothing my headache and making me feel rather sleepy. I could feel the tension completely tingling away, and it stirred up the rest of my body as the pleasure gently coursed through me. I wonder what a full body massage would do for me...

"Don't fall asleep." She abruptly pulled away, and I almost fell over from the lack of support. I caught myself with my hands on the couch cushion and glanced up with pleading eyes. She simply waved her pointer finger at my face. "Go get ready and don't look so sick, because unlike Shinra, Shiki will demand answers."

I groaned at the loss of comfort but stood up anyway. I plastered a smile to my face as I somehow managed to unwrap the blanket from my body, taking it with me as my feet fell to the warm carpet below. I stood up shakily, my body not quite ready for the adventure I was about to have. The reminder of Shiki visiting me was a sour thought. I hummed as I turned my back to Namie and it quickly turned into a scowl as I made my way towards the stairs, padding across the floor almost silently. Behind me, I heard Namie's chair squeak as she returned to her desk, presumably to finish her own work.

Good.

She only tried to dissipate my pain just long enough for me to get back on my feet. After that, I would find something to hopefully grow the seed she had planted.

It never worked though.

Pausing at the stairs, I glanced up. Cream carpets crawled up each step until the disappeared onto the top floor. I sighed, resting my hand on the banister. I already knew that the lights were on. There was nothing up there waiting for me. I could just go. No time like the present.

I slowly made my way upstairs. One foot after another, I took them slowly like a crippled old man. Pain was snaking through my torso, but I ignored it just like every other waking moment. I had too much pride to ask for help, or to be hindered by such a simple task. Wow. This is what I have become. That little prick was clawing up a storm inside of me, and to Hell it would go if it thought I was tolerating it's bullshit forever. I groaned as the stairs slowly became more painful, stabs and pinches webbing their way into my chest, but I somehow managed to get up them anyhow.

My already high pain tolerance had massively increased. I can do this. I had suffered day and night for the first forty-eight hours, the tears wouldn't stop and I had basically become bed ridden. And then all of the sudden, I just became accustomed to the pain. It was like my body had had enough. I could still feel it's presence, but I could now tolerate and function with it. After this was all done – because my newly acquired problems were not staying with me forever, oh no – I was sure nothing would faze me.

I might just be invincible.

I wobbled about the second floor mindlessly, slipping into my lit bedroom and locking the door so that I could collect myself a towel before heading to my own personal bathroom. My room was larger than average, and it had become a mess over the past few days. My normally clear floor was littered with clothes, towels, blankets, and even an extra pillow had somehow made it in front of my dresser. The lamps on my end tables were turned on, and I had even gone to the length to buy myself another one to sit on the end table by my closet.

After tossing my blanket onto my unmade bed simply because it was in the way, I stepped into the already lit up bathroom with a small chuckle. My electricity bill was going to be ridiculous. I was only looking forward to the laugh I would get from seeing the number. I locked that door too, just for good measure, and then headed to the tub to let it fill with it's steamy goodness. I cranked the knob, letting the water run hot. I sat back and watched as it slowly filled, the rumbling noise of moving liquid calming me.

I have never appreciated baths so much.

The hot water did wonders for my aching muscles. It also helped briefly with the pain. A scoop or two of Epsom salts helped all the more. I needed all I could get; it was hard being eaten alive by a demon.

Hopefully, a removable demon.

I grabbed the collar of my black shirt and pulled it off over my head, letting it fall to the floor unceremoniously. Without a second thought, I slipped off my pants and boxers next, raising one toe to dip it into the already too high water level, when I heard a violent bzzt rumble from my pants pockets. It echoed across the floor, and I turned my head cautiously and blinked. My phone?

Curiously, for it was obviously not a phone call, I turned off the water. I quickly padded over to my clothes and then fished it out with a quick glance at the screen.

One new message.

Taking it with me into the tub, I flipped it open and grinned as I stepped into the hot water. The liquid sloshed around me as I slowly sat down, instantly cascading me with it's comforting heat. Love the burn. It seared my skin in a pleasant way, like it was cleansing me from all my dirt. I felt my face lift for the first time in days, both from the bath and from the contents of the message. It was from Shinra. He had been ignoring me all week even though I had been spamming him like a needy and hormonal teenaged girl!

[I suppose if you want to apologize, you can come over for dinner tonight. Four-thirty sharp, okay?]

I beamed, sending him a promise that I would be there. I then placed the cell safely on the edge of the tub. If it fell, it would crash to the floor. But I highly doubted it would break. I slipped my mouth just below the water with a grin. My stomach churned painfully, but it was merely background feelings at the moment. He's finally going to talk to me. He had been sulking and ignoring me, using Celty as a sort of messenger. I seriously thought only middle school girls did things like that, getting someone else to convey messages for them. But even though it was kind of funny, and we would probably laugh about it in the future, it had sucked.

Royally.

There were questions I knew he would ask, and there were things I knew I had to truthfully tell him. Like why I have a replica of Celty's head. I swallowed dryly despite the humid air and glared. Yes. That would definitely be on the list of things to confess. That would probably be the one thing he wouldn't over look. The only problem with this whole situation, was that I wasn't sure if I could face the truth, let alone tell it. My stomach groaned at the realization, the demon mad once again. I had basically come to know it's different emotions. Groaning and growling normally meant it was mad. Biting and scratching meant it didn't want me to do something. Flipping and rolling meant it was content.

And sometimes, it just did all these things for the hell of it.

Yeah. Creepy stuff like that.

If only Shinra knew.

Maybe I can tell him about the demon after I admit to why I have a replica?Maybe he can help me get rid of it... but he will still be mad about the head... arrrgh... what do I tell him? If anything, I made the replica to protect Celty's real head... That should count for something, right?

I groaned, knowing that I was probably wrong. It was wrong of me to use Celty's head, replica or not, in such a way. Explaining the entire situation would be tiring. But I had a meeting with Shiki, and I knew he would demand the whole story from me.

I sighed. Today was going to be a stressful day for me. Because 'Fear Number Three' prevented me from honestly talking to people, kind of like a social disorder.

It was all in how they approached me.

Shiki aside, I was more worried about Shinra. Would he refuse to have anything to do with me after? Maybe if I really sucked up and tried to convince him that I used the fake instead of using the real one, he would forgive me. But even as I thought about the entire situation, I realized that it wasn't fair to ask him for forgiveness. He had trusted me with Celty's real head, and I had gone and manipulated Namie into making me a copy, to which I used it to start a war.

And I had a suspicion that I had indirectly put Kasuka in the hospital. But judging from the way Shizuo had acted towards me a week ago, Kasuka was probably fine now.

Just maybe I could get away with it. Shinra would understand, right? How would I do it?

I suddenly slapped my cheek with a wet hand, hissing at the sting. My face scrunched up and my eyes narrowed. Shut up, Orihara, this is not an act to trick him into forgiving you! I really need to apologize to him, and he really needs to understand that I need him as my friend! And you need to stop rambling! You have a meeting with Shiki soon! You need to make sure the little prat is on it's best behaviour!

I scoffed, sitting up properly as I rubbed at the skin over my abdomen. I had already showered that morning, I just needed a refresher before Shiki visited, so I didn't bother with the shampoo or anything. This was more of an act to help me fake my health. I just needed to soak for a little bit.

And brood.

Even if I have to prove myself to Shinra, I'll do it. Even if that meant swallowing my attitude and pride and being overly nice and friendly to our mutual acquaintance Shizu-chan.

Oh yeah.

Shizu-chan.

My scowl deepened as he crossed my mind. What was I supposed to do about him? Not only was he acting strange towards me, but he had seen me cry! Twice! How the hell was I supposed to deal with that? He knew something was wrong and he had seen first hand what it was doing to me! And him! He even took me home. And then fed me. And he can cook. And he's so docile when he's not mad and raging and-

Weird. Those thoughts were weird. But passing out in Russia Sushi had evaded my mind for some time. It wasn't an incident I really wanted to admit or remember.

What do I even feel for him?

I dunked myself beneath the water in irritation. What do I even mean, what do I feel for him? I feel hatred, right? He's looking down on me, right?

I resurfaced with a groan, inhaling sharply as I pondered the situation. Did he actually hate me? Or was he 'helping me get better so that he could kill me himself' because he actually cared for me? As a person? Me, Izaya Orihara, Shinjuku's best informant and the man who almost started an upscale war over a fake head, was cared for by Shizuo Heiwajima?

Absurd.

It couldn't be. I rested my head back and closed my eyes. There were a few things that made me believe he actually cared, but at the same time there was enough evidence to convince myself that he was just secretly mocking me and planned to blackmail me in the future.

"Arrrgh." I laced my fingers over my bare stomach. What was I to do? I couldn't think about the blond without becoming frustrated in numerous ways. He was so... illogical and rash. How could I predict anything about him? He wasn't one of my humans because he didn't fit in with the typical human spectrum. I couldn't confront him about anything. It didn't help that the past few days I had been getting a really odd sensation in between my hips – it sure wasn't the demon moving, though the thing clearly enjoyed my frustration – and every time the shuddering tingle had occurred, thoughts of Shizuo followed quickly behind.

It was a little more human than my demonic parasite.

The mere remembrance of my apparent needs was enough to make me stand up with distaste plastered across my face. I secretly blamed the problem on my little demon leech. It probably had something to do with it. I am above this. I am above humanity.

Time to get out before it got too hot.

I swear, my face was going to scowl permanently.

I towelled myself off quickly before disappearing in my bedroom to dress. I returned shortly to check myself out. Fixing up my appearance to look more like me instead of some underfed zombie, I stared at the mirror in apprehension. The bags under my eyes were a dark purple and they contrasted my pale skin in a disgusting way and my hair seemed thinner and limper than normal. My cheeks had begun to sink in, and I couldn't help but notice a few extra bones poking at the skin on my neck as I turned my head. My collar bones protrude obviously, and I couldn't help but feel like my shoulders were too boney to be healthy. Maybe I needed a sweater after all to cover most of it up. I didn't bother observing the rest of my body. I already knew that despite the facial appearance, my abdomen indicated falsely that I had maintained some weight. My hip bones protruded oddly despite the weight within my stomach. Or maybe that's just what I saw. How could I be sure it was really there?

Maybe it's not even there...

I rolled my eyes at myself and then stepped out of the bathroom. That was the question of the week. Did the demon exist, or was I just crazy?

I didn't bother to turn off the bathroom light.

There was no point.

My mood had dropped, even thought the bath was supposed to do the exact opposite. Might as well go ask Namie when Shiki is supposed to get here. Let's see how much time I have to figure out how to make myself look alive. Towelling my hair as dry as I could, I walked across the bedroom and I opened my bedroom door just to see Namie about to knock.

Grinning with effort, I stopped where I was in front of her. "And to what do I owe the pleasure?"

She scoffed, crossing her arms and shifting her hips before meeting my eyes. She had yet to comment on my appearance, though her actions told me she knew I was suffering. She shook her head and walked into my room without asking for my permission. "Shiki is early. I told him you might have drowned." She opened up my closet, scanning the articles of clothing before pulling out a soft grey sweater. It was baggy enough that Shiki wouldn't be able to tell I was physically ill. "You look half dead. Cover up and excuse yourself."

I chuckled, eyeing the sweater as it was handed to me. I can tell him that I caught a little cold. No big deal. I ruffled my almost dry hair before tossing the towel to some undisclosed corner of my room. "Is he waiting for me?"

She nodded irritably, shoving the fabric into my hands before walking around me. "I have work to do up here, so just yell if you need me." And with that, she turned and stalked off out of my bedroom and disappeared amongst the bookshelves.

I closed my eyes as I exited my room. I softly pulled the door closed behind me with a smile. I was carefully placing all of my available masks in their proper position to fend off the tsunami of emotions that Shiki had surely brought with him. I wasn't looking forward to reflecting on the night of the shooting, and I also wasn't looking forward to finally explaining how Shiki had gotten caught up in my recent plot. For all I knew, he already knew the truth, and that secretly scared me. If I was anyone else, Shiki would have personally killed me for this.

If I'm not careful, he still might.

Oh what an interesting conversation it was going to be.

Thank you for all of the lovely reviews! I love you guys! As of next chapter, I am officially past where I abruptly left off. xD

And a direct question from FiresCreek, I just looked up Paradise Lost, and I have to say that it seems rather interesting. :D I plan on reading it, unless I get swamped in Uni. *ominously disappears*