"Mom?" Why was she here!?

Her long black hair was falling freely over her shoulder. The green that had led me to believe that she was Namie was actually in fact a long jacket that brushed her mid thigh, even as she sat. She was in black dress pants - a professional sight that I had gotten used to see even as a child. She wore light makeup; just enough to make her look pretty but still respectable. And she was smiling, the slight tinge of red in her irises twinkling as she stared at me.

"Hello dear," she had a slight lilt to her voice, the same lilt that accompanied my own, "it's been a while."

"Yeah," I said, slight irritation present as I stood up from the couch, legs disagreeing and threatening to give out. I still couldn't figure out why this was happening. "It has been a while, and I have no idea why you'd wish to visit me, unless Shinra had a hand in this."

I shot him a dirty look and he merely shrugged from where he stood safely, leaning against the wall by the hallway entrance. He had a shit eating grin on his face that told me he had set this up.

My mother remained seated, the smile not even flinching at my words. "Yes, Shinra did call me."

The look of betrayal on his face would have been priceless had I not been furious.

"But I came on my own accord. I had been meaning to."

"Meaning to?" I asked, casting my glance over to her condescendingly, hands on my hips while I glared. You should just leave. I don't need any more drama added to this mix.

I suddenly eased off to dirty look, shrugging casually like none of this mattered. "Just like you meant to call me once in a while over the past six years? After I left in high school?" I snuck a glance at her. Her expression didn't falter. I did learn from her, after all. Masks and thinking about things rationally was also her forte.

It was true, though. She hadn't called me, hadn't reached out unless I had done it first. Sure, I saw her in passing every once in a while, but that didn't make us close.

Not close enough for me to ask for help.

"Shinra said you could use some... motherly direction." She chose her words carefully, deciding to go with Shinra's actual words given his now conflicted expression.

Good. This's what happens when you drag my mother into any mess.

Frustration was welling up in my chest. What was I supposed to do? Or say? "Motherly direction?" I asked, refusing to sit. "And what kind of motherly anything can you give me?"

Shinra cleared his throat, suddenly looking awkward. "I just remembered that I have an email to send. Never mind me!" He practically ran to his office, sliding the door closed abruptly and heading over to his computer.

She scrutinized me for a moment, eyes reading me like the open book I was to her. "Sit," she said almost sternly, patting the couch, "I don't want you to fall."

Looking down, I noticed that my legs were trembling. Great. I made a dramatic display of taking a seat if only to try and cover for that fact. "Better?"

She quirked her lip at my attitude. I sneered, eyes narrowed. "Honey, I know you did something stupid." I froze. What did Shinra tell her? "You act just like your father whenever you do, so don't even try and tell me you didn't." She sighed, a slight trace of worry etching into her forehead.

Instead of denying it, I simply went with, "I don't want to talk about it."

"That's fine." She said, eyes uncomfortably boring into mine. "You don't really have to say anything."

Something in my face twitched, and she obviously saw it. Her smile broadened and her hands replaced themselves on her lap.

I sighed. This was going to be a one sided conversation just like every other one when I was younger. Whenever I got into trouble, Dad always got mad. 'can't properly express himself', Mom used to say, and I suppose I sort of got that same trait from him.

But her. Kyouko. She was very... straight forward, to the point, and confronting. And she could read me better than anyone else.

Mothers intuition, I guess.

True to my words, I remained silent, waiting for her to pick the path she wanted to take. Patience was something I had plenty of, after all.

She smiled easily, face a void of any emotion except concentration. "So Shinra said you need a bit of a talking to, and I've already concluded that you've done something stupid. Are you in trouble?"

"How is it your business?" I asked coldly, changing my tactic and smiling. I could just approach her like a client, after all. I carefully placed some of my masks back onto my face. "What I do hasn't been a concern of yours for quite some time now, just as what you and father do hasn't been a concern of mine."

"Hmmm?" She grinned. "But you're my son, you're always a concern of mine."

I wasn't buying it, but her voice did sound gentle.

"You know that at the end of the day I can't please everybody, especially when you're at such odds with your father. But if you want, I promise none of this will make it to his ears. If it's just me and you, then I can please you. Understood?" We had made this deal before, many times, especially after I had started getting involve in the wrong kind of crowds, and I couldn't help but feel slightly comforted. Even though I had no plans on talking.

Sure, my family relationships were a mess, but my mother had always made a point to put the drama aside. If anything, she had been the only one to ever stand up for me.

That was probably the only reason I agreed. "Deal." I muttered, feeling slightly defeated. Because what could I actually do in this situation? I could hardly walk, let alone turn away help.

And didn't I want to fix things? The family could be included in this.

It sounded like too much work though.

"Good." She grinned again, shifting on the couch to seem a little more casual, and less tense. "Now you have that guilty look on your face like you're going to be in trouble. So how about you start by telling me what kind of mess you're in?"

I snickered. "I don't think I will." Just because none of this would be relayed to my father – where the gossip would spread to everyone else and I didn't want to face those unimpressed eyes again – I didn't plan on spilling anymore details then I had to. Those were for Shizu-chan and Shinra only.

"Hmm? So you're in trouble with the gangs." She was looking straight through me, and I felt a cold sweat break on my forehead. "Yakuza?"

Damn woman of incredible observation. No, I wouldn't be the man I was if it weren't for her, but damn. How did she know?

She hummed in appreciation, probably because my face answered her question. My face twitched despite the mask, and slowly but surely I felt them all crumbling.

"Of course." She said, almost in exasperation.

I groaned from where I sat. I was out of practice. And I said that dealing with my sisters was hard – my mother was a train wreck. A good reason to both admire and fear her.

"Did they hurt you?"

I wasn't shocked by the question, because what did I expect? I wasn't going to tell her the extent to which they did, though. "Yeah." Her eyes didn't wander curiously, but I could still feel them even as I looked away. Determined to get the conversation away from me, I carried on, "Did Shinra call you because of the mess I've gotten myself in? Or was there another reason you came over here?"

"Maybe both. But we'll get to my other reason later." My mom shrugged, smile growing. "And maybe Shinra's more insightful then you think."

"Shinra? He's a little bit dense to the obvious sometimes."

"How about we go get some lunch?" She suddenly said, standing up with too much energy. I felt something creak in my brain, as I failed to follow her thought process. How did she go from talking about my problems to lunch? "There's a nice little sandwich stop down the street I saw, and I'm sure Shinra will let you off his leash for an hour or so."

Oh, she's trying to get me to open up. I half consciously rubbed my belly, wondering why the little hellion was so quiet and if I could even eat. Are you dead yet? When there was no answer, I sighed. She's trying to get me comfortable so I'll talk... but I'm not telling her. I have no reason to.

But being in public did sound a bit more... relaxing. I wouldn't be under the constant watchful eye in the sky that was known as Shinra, and if Shizu-chan suddenly came back, well, that would be awkward. My mother had mixed feelings about the man since the day I met him, and I really didn't want to deal with any of that again.

Shifting a little bit, I sighed. "Fine." I would let her cater me around until she was satisfied and left. At the same time, I would be granted some freedom and a trip to the much loved outdoors. I can watch some of my humans again! I felt my spirits lifting at the mere idea. "Just tell Shinra so he doesn't have a heart attack." I muttered like I wasn't excited to go, glancing to my knees to see that they were no longer trembling. Maybe I would be okay.

A large grin spread over her face, before she offered me a hand. "You'd think he was your mom or something."

When she said nice little sandwich shop, she hadn't been too far off the mark.

It was indeed nice. It was indeed little. And it was just busy enough that there wasn't any suffocating silence, but not enough people to make me feel as nervous as I had in Shinra's. After ordering, and arguing over who paid – which my mom inevitably won and did just that – and finding a seat beside the huge window, I sat down carefully with my tuna sandwich, worried abut eating. Stressed even. I hadn't been doing this, and the mere prospect of getting sick outside of Shinra's care was scary. Will she find out about the demon? Even if it's absolutely crazy and so unreal?

My mother could see the stress, and she broke the comfortable silence – minus the trivial discussions in the car, that had consisted of things like, 'look that person is wearing a parka in such nice weather, how stupid can they be', and stuff like that – that had passed between us since we had left.

"You look nervous." She said, unwrapping a hefty looking veggie sub while glancing around. "Is it too busy here?"

"No," There were maybe fifteen other people in the shop, a couple of families, and what looked like a few dates. She knew I liked watching people. But she also knew that I wasn't easily unnerved. "It's fine." I took my sweet assed time unwrapping that sandwich. I clearly didn't think this through very well. Are you going to be a little shit today, or can I eat? I asked the demon directly.

It's silence was starting to worry me. That was normally when things went wrong, right? When the worse case scenario came around?

Just as I feared, it didn't answer. And so I set down my sandwich in favor of taking a quick drink from the bottle of water I had got. I was more nervous then I had thought. I was contemplating stabbing Shinra when I got back. How could he do this to me?

"You're looking really thin, you don't have a disorder, do you?" She took a large bite of her sub, chewing slowly, eyes darkened as she stared in my direction, studying every little reaction and muscle twitch.

"No, no disorder." I said, because it was true. I wasn't starving myself on purpose, and that was a fact. As if to prove that, I picked my food up quickly and took a quick bite. Not too much, just in case the demon decided to be an ass. I chewed thoughtfully, while my mother hummed in approval. She could always tell when I had lied, and I doubted that that fact had changed.

"I have a right to be worried." She reminded me, a small smile tugging at her lips. "So tell me, what can't you decide on? You clearly have a problem, even if you won't tell me what it is."

"Huh?" Another sip of water. "It's not that I can't decide. And I'm not even sure what Shinra thinks my problem is."

She nodded thoughtfully, eating more. "Shinra thinks there's something wrong, he kept saying you need to just talk, and I am also getting that feeling that there's something wrong. And I know you're not going to tell me, but we both think you're making the wrong choice."

Choice about what?

"I'm not sure what you're getting at." I said. She was confusing me. There were no choices here for me to make, except for fixing everything. And fixing things sounded like the right choice to me. It was either that, or drown in despair and self pity for all the chaos that had become my life.

She sighed. "Shinra was very vague. I just assumed."

I narrowed my eyes before picking the sandwich back up and taking my second bite carefully. So far, so good. The demon had yet to comment, and that alone had me feeling nauseous. This thing was ruining my life. "It has nothing to do with the choices I'm making." I said once I was done, grabbing the water again. "This is about Shinra expecting me to do things that I can't do." Like talk about certain events that I'd rather just bury away. He had threatened to call my mother if I didn't talk about it, and here she was.

I just needed time. He was being impatient. I could have ruined fifteen lives today, but no. Shinra decided to call my mom to try and work out my own personal feelings that didn't mean anything.

Or so I was telling myself.

"You? Can't do something?" She asked, genuine shock on her face, sub frozen in midair. "Can you repeat that? I think I misheard."

Blood was rushing to my face in both embarrassment and fear, and I glared out the window. Even just slightly thinking about what had happened had me shaking. Things I can't do. Things I can't say. What was I thinking? I wouldn't have ruined their lives today. I would have chickened out.

The sub was put down, my mom clasping her hands together. "This seems a little more serious then what Shinra let on." She said quietly.

I didn't look away from the window, watching as my fascinating people walked by. They weren't as exciting as they used to be, all of them harboring ill intent and cruelty like demons sitting on their shoulders.

"There is not much that you state can't do, Izaya. You've never given completely up on anything."

I know. I know that. But you don't understand.

I swallowed dryly, still not looking from the window. So Shinra was set on getting me to talk about what happened with Hajime. Even jarring the memories was killing me from the inside out. How was I supposed to talk? And to who? The more I thought about the entire incident, the more I saw myself being stripped of control, and dignity, and power, and everything that made me who I am. And if it weren't for Shizu-chan, I might have had the scars all over my face to remind me daily.

My control was completely gone.

Hajime. His men. And even the Devil in Hell had power over me. I could feel it in me, like a natural response, to flinch at their raised hands. How could I explain this to her? How was I supposed to face that? How could I stand my ground when I knew exactly what would happen? I couldn't defend myself then, and I couldn't do it now.

I would never be able to.

And so I was trying to run from it, because it was the only way I knew how to deal with it.

I didn't realize my gaze had dropped to the ground, seeing people's shoes skirting by instead of facial expressions, before it was too late.

"Izaya?" I pulled my gaze from the window, staring at my barely eaten sandwich. The demon still wasn't moving, the food was staying down, but yet my hands were shaking in my lap hard enough for me to not trust them. It was the same on both nights. The lack of strength I had when I was getting both gunned down and taken in a van, with nothing but fear to fill the void of everything else that should have been there. "Hey,"

I glanced up just enough so that she knew I was listening. This wasn't like me. I was showing too much weakness in front of her. I tried to smile, but it wouldn't form on my face. It felt gruesome, and it must of looked gruesome.

She was suddenly leaning across the small table, one arm sliding out towards me. "Hey, what's with that sad look?"

I glanced up, mask forming again and smiled. "Nothing." I picked up my sandwich, eating it less eagerly then before.

She looked worried, a foreign feature to her face, and I didn't feel guilty for making her look that way. But she backed off, taking her hand back and looking back down to her lunch.

We didn't touch back on the topic again. I abandoned my meal after four bites, and mom finished hers surprisingly quickly. We got up and left. Drove back to Shinra's. All the while, silence accompanied us until we were sitting in her SUV in the parkade. The engine was off, the seat belt's undone, but neither of us made a move to get out. It was well lit, but I didn't feel safe.

She wanted to say something, I could tell by how tense the silence was. I had managed an indifferent facade the entire time, but she knew. She knew me better then that, and that was probably why Shinra had called her to try and talk to me. To try and get all of these terrible feelings out of me.

He knew I'd harbor them until they killed me.

"How badly did they hurt you." She asked, eyes never wandering towards me. I remained the same, staring out the front window at the concrete wall we were parked in front of.

I didn't feel the need to answer her. Shinra didn't even get the full story. I wasn't missing any limbs, as far as she could see, and I was still walking – for the most part. She could potentially guess, but she didn't exactly need to know.

She breathed heavily through her nose. "Look, I know I'm not the best parent ever, ditching you and your sisters with your grandparents for most of your childhood, but I do care, and I agree with Shinra. Whatever this is, you need to talk about it. Okay? To who ever. It doesn't matter. Just talk. You'll feel better." She sounded frustrated. "The Izaya I know isn't this quiet. He isn't this reserved. And he certainly does not make sad faces in the company of others." She glanced over, and I couldn't help but look just to see the tears in her eyes.

Shit.

"I've made a lot of bad choices too, but I have never considered losing any of you, not you, your father, or your sisters, okay? I want to keep you all, even if it is further than arms reach, I just want to know you're still here." I looked away. "And yes, I was content with how far you distanced yourself only because it made you happier, but I won't let you fall like this. The fact that I never would have known, if Shinra never called, scares me Izaya. You're scaring me, and I can only imagine how you feel."

I picked at my lip with my fingers, dry, bitten skin tearing and bleeding, glancing out the window. Was this how heart-to-heart conversations were supposed to go? There was something heavy sitting in my chest, making me uncomfortable. I wanted to get out and run, to go back to Shizu-chans stupid apartment and curl up under his covers and just hide. Forever.

"I don't know what I can do for you. You won't tell me what's wrong, but Shinra wanted me to help you. I want to do nothing more but drill you with questions, but I kind of want you just to tell me."

I pulled my hand away from my lips, still staring out the window. "If I could just tell you, then I wouldn't have a problem in the first place." I said, lip quirking in irritation. "Maybe you're better off not knowing."

"Someone needs to know, Izaya. You're pretending like something didn't happen, you look guilty. I don't know what to think. You did something stupid, but I can't tell if you're upset because you got hurt, or because someone else got hurt."

It was at that moment that I realized she had been running herself in circles the entire time.

Shinra didn't tell her anything except 'help him'. She had come to several correct conclusions; the Yakuza were involved. I did something stupid. Something bad happened. And that I was guilty. That was all she knew. She didn't even know if they played a part in each other, was just assuming that they did.

And now the question was, what do I tell her?

She was stubborn enough to wait me out. I knew this. She had done it before. And at the same time, I was stubborn enough to keep my lips sealed, as I had since the little demon came into existence. How long had it been until I finally told Shinra everything?

I can't tell her any of that. That was a given, and so I mentally crossed 'Hell and friends' off of my list of problems. I had to satisfy her with something. This was a give or take situation. Didn't I want to fix my life? Would shutting her out completely now aide or hinder my goal?

If I make this about achieving my goal, then what do I have to do in order to succeed?

I cringed at my own answer.

She sighed, unlocking the doors. Maybe she wouldn't wait me out. "You've grown so accustomed to bad things that you can't even trust the good." She said, eyes turning sad. "I don't want the conversation to end like this. I don't want to leave you, again, while you're feeling like this."

I inhaled through my nose.

"Even if I'm better off not knowing, I am still willing to shoulder some of your burden, Izaya. I'm sure your friends would be willing too. That's why you need to talk to us. That's why Shinra called me to try and convince you. Because you're stubborn, and yes, I know you got all of that from me, and I realize that I'm a last option in your life, simply because you choose to distance yourself from the rest of us, but that's how I know it's bad. The fact that you agreed to even consider talking about it means it's bad. You don't have to tell me specifics. You can just tell me the general situation. And I can help you talk to someone you trust. Whoever it is that you hang around nowadays."

Her offer lingered in the air, and I uncomfortably glanced back out the window. I was feeling incredibly conflicted. Fear had driven me into a silent corner – too many direct questions and not enough trust – but at the same time, I had explained to Shizu-chan earlier that day that the only way to overcome fear was to face it.

If I backed out now, I would back out in the future. The fear of confrontation was literally like a human approaching a wild animal to fast. Too fast, and I'd go straight into defense mode, backing myself into a corner growling.

Was it all really such a big deal?

Old me would have laughed it off by now. Would have slaughtered every man where they stood after I cut off all of their sexual appendages with my own switch blade and then shoved them down their throats. They had threatened to burn me, but I was never lit. The only thing keeping me from doing that right now was fear, and even though the fire had yet to burn me, I knew I still feared it.

The old me would have laughed and kicked the new me while I was down.

The problem now was that I cared too much. I would give almost anything for just a piece of my old confidence.

"Mom," I took in a deep breath, before glancing back out the window. Could I speak? Could I tell her? Was I supposed to tell her? What did I even say? Shinra had encouraged me to talk to Shizuo about this, but how was I suppose to talk about losing control to a beast-

Okay. That made sense.

But how was I supposed to talk?

What was all of this for, anyway? For personal recovery? To make sure that I didn't do something stupid again? To make sure that I lived to be able to laugh in the Devil's face?

All of those things connected in my mind, and I saw it as a sort of path. If I couldn't talk about something, then I couldn't deal with it. And if I couldn't deal with it, then it was a weakness. So if I couldn't get over the fact that Hajime and his pack of beasts raped me, then I couldn't get on with my life and change everything for the better. Which would result with me landing back in the Hell, where the Devil would more than likely use rape to torture me for eternity.

And then it would all just get worse.

Did I want to live like that?

I shuddered at the mere thought, briefly reliving that part of my experience in Hell.

The only way to get out of that situation was to get over it. And seeing how I still wasn't over it, then it was safe for me to admit that I couldn't do it. I couldn't help myself, and so I needed someone else. And while I didn't want to have the whole conversation with my own mother, I didn't know how to go about talking about it with someone else. And I didn't know how to even explain my situation, and so I started with the matter that had Shinra most worried, the matter that Shinra didn't want to see repeated.

"I tried to kill myself." I said quietly, still staring out the window.

She gasped from the drivers seat, and I felt a hand grip my forearm. I whirled my head towards to her with the intention to ask her to let go, before I saw that she was angry.

Conflicting emotions flickered through her eyes, and I felt anger rising in my own chest. Why was she angry? She wasn't supposed to get angry!

She swallowed thickly, before trying to relax her face. "Who." She said quietly, dangerously.

I shivered, not quite understanding what she wanted to know.

She cleared her throat, trying again. "Who made you feel that way?" She corrected, and in that sentence I realized that she wasn't angry at me. She was mad at who did this to me.

"I'd give you the list, but it's rather long." I said quietly again, trying to lighten up her reaction with a not so funny joke. Why is she so mad!? This isn't that serious! Her face twitched at my response, and I realized that I was digging myself into a hole. My mother was the silently murderous kind, and even though I was aware that she would suck more information out of me, I couldn't stop it from happening.

"List?" She asked, hand still firm on me. Her thoughts abruptly changed direction though. "Are you hurting yourself? Is that why Shinra called me?" She looked at my forearm accusingly, eyes flickering back up. Shit, she was mad. I guess that wasn't what any parent wanted to hear, but I couldn't exactly understand why she was so upset. Maybe it was because I didn't have kids that I didn't know.

I shook my head almost pleadingly. She didn't look like she believed me.

"Show me." She said, hand still not moving.

"Mom, I'm not hurting myself. Shinra knows. He knows, he saved me, it was stupid, I know." I glanced down to my shirt. It was still wrapped, but the gauze would make it look worse then it was. "I have no intention of doing it again, trust me."

"Show me before I march back you there and demand an explanation. Why didn't you tell me sooner? Why would you even do that?" I looked away guiltily. "Show me." I sighed heavily before complying – how could I defy that tone of voice? - elbowing her hand off of me and peeling open my jacket.

"It's not exactly a conversation starter." I muttered, opening my jacket, and she suddenly looked horrified when my fingers traveled to my shirt. She had probably expected the whole wrist slashing approach. I lifted my shirt, watching her reaction carefully as the gauze came into view. She responded the way I saw most parents – I witnessed a lot of reactions during the suicidal trolling period of my life – wide eyed and gasping, but what happened after was not supposed to.

She reached out her hand, which I had expected, but I didn't expected her fingers to land on and trace over a fading black hand-print on my hip.

Eyes wide, heart stopping, blood freezing, I realized my mistake.

Something like this wouldn't go past her, and I could see that it clearly didn't.

"This... This is the problem." She said quietly, surely, eyes prying away from the colourful skin and locking on my face. I quickly shoved my shirt down, fear and alarm coursing through me. "This is why you did it, isn't it? How many were there, how many make a long list?" Her voice was rising, emotions conflicting in her voice. "What did they do!?"

"We should go back inside." I slapped her hand away before opening the door, mad at myself, and at her, and Hajime, and at Shinra for doing this to me. How was I supposed to deal with this?

"Izaya!" She got out of the vehicle too, slamming the door and running to catch up with me. I was already quickly walking across the parking lot even though I wasn't supposed to move to fast, to the elevator that would take me back to the safety of Shinra's living room. "Wait, we need to talk about this!"

"I already said I don't want to talk." Damn me back to Hell, for all I cared right now. I slipped up and I was mad.

"You can't pretend like it didn't happen, you need to talk to someone." She followed me into the underground elevator, the doors closing just after she slipped in. I had already pressed the button, and the elevator dinged. It started to lift us, but it was a long way to the top floor. "Izaya look at me." She all but snapped, eyes stern and body language commanding. I flinched at her approach, glaring daggers. At least we were the same height, preventing her from towering over me. "You need to tell who did this." She said, keeping her words vague because there were several conclusions still dancing in her mind.

I scoffed, shaking my head. "I said I don't want to-"

"Not to me." She said quickly, cutting me off. "To someone. Anyone. I don't care who as long as you get this off your chest. It will eat you alive. Don't let it control you."

I froze at the word, realizing that power and control had been forcefully taken from me since that first incident. I haven't received any of it back. "Can you leave it alone?" I asked, glaring at the elevator door. We were moving, but we weren't moving fast enough. "It doesn't matter that it happened." Why is she so pushy!?

"Well obviously you do think it matters if you tried to kill yourself because of it." She sounded livid, and I was almost scared to be in such a small space with her. She grabbed onto my forearm again, holding me tightly. I instantly tried to pull away, but there was nowhere to go. "Now I'll ask you again, you're not hurting yourself still, are you?"

"No!" I was getting defensive, and it sounded terrible in my ears. This was all a mistake. I shouldn't have... I should have just... what could I do? About any of this? Bad choices were surrounding me, they were eating me alive. The demon suddenly shuddered in my stomach, and it felt like I was stretching. I placed a hand to my stomach, pain etching over my face. What had Shinra been saying, about not stressing? And here I was, stressing out over something stupid.

"Izaya, you should be going to the police." She said, and I slapped a palm to my forehead. Could this elevator ride get any longer?

"I'm not exactly on their good list, mom. I can't just skip into the police box and play innocent bystander. I paid for my mistakes, that's all this is." I said nastily, hoping she would drop it.

"Mistakes? Did you kill someone? Force one of their girlfriends or wives? Was this revenge for something you did that was ten times worse?" She still hadn't let go of me, and I could count the floors to Shinra's on one hand. Soon. Soon and then Shinra would shoo her away for stressing me. "Izaya."

I groaned, looking her way and glowering like some trapped animal with all my hairs risen.

"Did they rape you?"

I visibly stiffened, leaning away with a face the spoke for me.

My mother looked hurt, and I felt guilty all over again for all of it.

"How could they do this to you?" She asked, pulling me by my arm and hugging me. I resisted, pushing her back while my heart was hammering in my chest. "I have to tell your father."

"No!" I all but yelled and shoved her away, the elevator suddenly dinging. "No, you can't!" I all but dragged her out of the elevator, her face shocked and confused. "You said none of this would reach his ears, and you weren't even supposed to know. I made a mistake." I stopped when we were just outside, not ready to knock on Shirna's door again.

"Yeah, but that was before I knew the gravity of the situation! This is bad! Have you told anyone? Shinra knows, right?"

"It's not a big deal." I snapped, turning away. She grabbed onto my forearm again, and I violently attempted to jerk myself free, to no avail. "It doesn't matter, you can't tell him. I will deny it. I'll deny it to everyone! It's my fault that it happened, and I understand that, so please leave it alone!"

"Flea?"

We both whirled where we stood, me next to tears as I glared at Shizu-chan standing in the stair case looking lost. How convenient. He always showed up after the damage has been done.

"Your fault!?" My mother pulled on me, eyes wide with shock and more confusion.

"Go home, Shizu-chan." I snapped, trying to pull myself from my mothers grip. "Let me go!"

My mother stared intensely at Shizuo for a couple of seconds, before walking, dragging me towards Shinra's door. A low rumble came from Shizu-chan, but he didn't intervene. "No. I know you better than this, you won't talk unless someone makes you. And this is not your fault! Don't you even dare say that!"

"Maybe that's the problem!? You shouldn't be forcing me to do anything." And this is my fault. We didn't even have to knock, Shinra could hear us yelling from the other side. The door swung open, the doctor looking exasperated and concerned.

"Why didn't you tell me my son was raped?" Were the first words out of my mothers mouth, aggressive and slicing, and judging from how Shinra's face paled, he realized that he was in trouble too. She was mad, and an angry Orihara, regardless of which one it was, was a very scary human being. Shinra glanced to me almost accusingly, assuming that I had willingly told her.

"Why did you even invite her over?" I snapped, my sour mood clearing up any theories Shinra may have had. He suddenly looked worried and nervous. "Did you want me to tell? Was that the point of this? For me to spill my guts to someone who isn't even consistently present in my life?"

"How about we discuss this inside?" Shinra tried to smile, but my mother wasn't budging.

"I'm guessing it hasn't been very long since this happened, so why am I just hearing about this now!? Have either of you sought out any kind of help?" Shinra backed away from my mom, suddenly a bit frightened. "You understand that you're at risk for emotional problems too, being the one to help him? Have you guys even talked about this, or are you just pretending none of this ever happened?"

"We're not children anymore." Shinra stated calmly, making room for us to enter. "It wasn't my right to tell you."

"It wasn't your right to put me in this situation either." I stated, heavily ripping my arm from my mothers grip. "Whatever you were trying to accomplish by calling her, it wasn't right. And you, how can you judge what we do? I didn't reach out to you because I don't trust you enough."

My mother bristled, wounded by my comment.

"Because you can comment on what's right and what's wrong." Was Shinra's immediate reply, and suddenly I felt hot and angry. My face was hot, my body was hot, and the demon was fidgeting in my stomach. Something stretched painfully, and I placed a hand to it, all but keeling over while glowering. Are you getting bigger!?

Mhmm.

I whimpered, suddenly grabbing onto the door frame for support as I leaned over in pain. Something felt like it split in my stomach, and the demon groaned in discomfort, shifting and causing the pain to flare.

"Izaya!?"

"Hey!"

Arms wrapped around me, and suddenly I was being picked up like a small child, Shinra yelling "be careful!" in the background. Shizuo had me in his arms in a matter of seconds, and carried me into the apartment, heading straight for the spare bedroom with Shinra and my mother hot on his heels.

I was dumped onto the bed, gently, while everyone towered over me in some form of a panic.

"Did I pressure him too much?" My mother looked like she was going to cry, Shinra trying to shoo her out of the room. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have yelled, I was just upset,"

Lying on my back seemed to ease the pressure, and I breathed out in relief as the pain dissipated for a moment.

"Are you okay?" Shinra asked quickly, looking me over at lightening speed to make sure nothing was ripped and or bleeding.

I nodded, gently. "Just give me a minute."

Shinra nodded in worried understanding before ushering my mother out of the room.

Shizuo sat in the arm chair beside me with a soft sigh. I laid my hand out, palm up, and he took the invitation without hesitating. "You good?"

I groaned in response, eyes squeezing shut.

He chuckled. "I take that as a no?"

Nodding, I placed a hand to my forehead and ran my fingers through my hair, breathing shakily. The demon had stopped moving and talking again, but I could feel it more prominently. I was running out of room to house it. My body was only so big, and small compare to most people my height. It was crammed in there so tight, it might burst. Would it burst? I tried to bite down the panic that was swelling inside of me. Will it rip me open when it's ready? Is it ready? Is that why it's been so quiet? Is it mature? I can't breathe as easily anymore, will I suffocate? It's going to kill me. I'm going to die.

"That your mom?" Shizuo asked carefully, glancing at the door.

I nodded weakly, but there were more pressing matters on my mind.

Please don't move, demon. I all but pleaded, squeezing my eyes when tears threatened to pool. Don't kill me now.

Izaya. Take it easy. I won't move.

Why would it try to comfort me? "Just... stay for a minute, okay?" My heart was pounding in my chest, and I felt sick with worry and panic as I gripped onto Shizuo's hand like something was going to steal me away. I glanced to the ceiling, silently praying to the God I didn't believe in that the demon wouldn't murder me now. My breathing was getting shallower the more I thought about it.

Shizuo simply nodded, eyes concerned but supportive while his hand squeezed mine reassuringly.

A/N: Pretty sure my biggest flaw is getting too excited to post and not editing enough. Also, for some reason my copy & paste documents are different by 300 words? Like when I copy from here to Word, I lose 300 words, but when I copy from there to here, I gain? Anyway. Also, sorry this is a bit long again.

Anyway, did I say there were only four chapters left? LOL I really meant like eight. Also, my goal is to get this done hopefully by April! That's just under two weeks! We're almost done! Ill or not, I can write it all out! ):D

Also your guys' reviews make me very happy, so keep them coming. ;P I appreciate it!