A/N: So. Majority rules. Warnings, obviously. And your reviews. Guys. You are too kind. I really do appreciate them, both the ones that encourage me to continue writing and the ones that give me a good idea as to how you guys view what's going on! FiresCreek, your review was really insightful for me! I am glad that Izaya's annoying tenancies weren't too annoying. xD Thank you!

I have come to learn one thing, though.

You all have sadistic tendencies. xD

And ParkourMaster, please sleep. Dear God, I have corrupted your brain over the span on what, twenty-four hours?

And thanks all for the get better comments. I am finally getting my chronic issues dealt with next month.

Anyway, enjoy! Or, beware? ;P

The statement 'this was going to be a long night' was probably going to be an understatement.

I could tell as we were walking through the door to Shizu-chan's cute little apartment that tonight was going to be more difficult that I had anticipated. It was getting later, and luckily for me all of the hallways had been lit up to fend off my evil followers. Old me would have already plotted out how I could turn them all into pawns; new me just didn't want anything to do with them.

I almost found it hilarious, how I differentiated between who I was before the shooting, and who I had become now. And that was the problem of the matter. I didn't know which version I liked better, and worse of all, I wanted to have both. I wasn't sure how I was supposed to approach these delicate things, these things that had taken a God and thrown him to hell and back, quite literally. How was I supposed to think about this, shape my views? Change my outlooks to still reflect some of the old Izaya I had loved, but still preserve the new Izaya that needed to survive and continue on existing.

I had loved myself. But now, looking back, I don't think I had loved myself enough to jeopardize my future in the underworld.

"Hey," I realized that I was standing out in the hallway, absently staring at my shoes. Glancing up, I didn't bother with any facial expressions, simply following the man into his den – after he turned on some lights, of course. He didn't seem too concerned about my minor trip to another realm. Perhaps he had expected it. I had been nervous the entire way back, with a right to be, after all.

He threw my bag onto the couch after slipping off his shoes, eyes momentarily refusing to look at me. "Don't look so sad." He muttered, annoyed, like I chose to feel the way I did. He took one careful look at me when he thought I wasn't looking, as I closed and locked the door behind me – not that Shizu-chan had to worry about people trying to break in or steal him – and then he turned away and disappeared into the kitchen.

I set about removing my jacket, pulling out my newest main phone, before throwing the jacket onto the arm rest of the couch. I didn't answer him, flipping open my phone, while slowly making my way over to the couch. I sat down gently, one hand on my stomach, as several messages popped up on my screen. I flipped them open, one by one. Namie asking when she should go in tomorrow. Namie asking if she should still go in tomorrow. Namie asking why I was working. And then several from Shinra, both chastising and worrying about me. And then finally, my favorite. From dear Shiki.

[I would appreciate it if we could set up a meeting, Orihara-san. There is much I wish to discuss with you.]

I sneered, reading it sarcastically in my head just as Shizuo came back out from the kitchen with two mugs of tea. He eyed my facial expression, before his brow twitch. He knew I was doing something I shouldn't be. "What's up?" He out one cup down on the coffee table before sitting beside me, blowing at the steam as it rose from the lid of the mug.

"I have to do something." I muttered, tapping out a text back to the man who currently could drown in Tokyo Bay, for all I cared. [If you wish to talk, then we can set up a time for a phone conference tomorrow.] I groaned, dropping the phone into my lap and reaching for my tea. "Don't worry, I won't leave here. I just have to make one phone call tomorrow, and hopefully that will clean up any of my loose ends."

Shizuo hummed in irritation. "Loose ends?"

I shrugged. "You know, the string ends from all of this chaos. If I play my cards right, or just damn burn them, then I can clean up the Yakuza part of this mess. And then I'm almost done. That will just leave getting rid of Kai and Hajime, and all of their little rug rats who apparently need to learn some self control." I gestured about the room, warming one hand on the mug. More for show, I blew at the steam, pretending to find the drink absolutely fascinating. If I could prolong this conversation, then I would. Or at least if I could direct it somewhere else. I opened my mouth to continue talking, but Shizu-chan interrupted me.

Shizu-chan wasn't that understanding. "How many are 'all of their little rug rats'?" He asked, the beginnings of a scowl forming on his face. Careful Shizu-chan, it might freeze like that.

Eyes darkened as I glanced to the tea. So we were getting right to it? No casual conversation, let's let Izaya have a break, or anything. I let my lip quirk, eyes not wavering from my stare down with the Oolong. I guess it would be better, judging by the swirling in my stomach, to get all of this done and over with as soon as possible. "Not including Kai and Hajime, eleven." Silence followed my statement, and I dared a glance to Shizuo.

He looked conflicted – he should be. The traces of both anger and something foreign lit up his face, and I couldn't quite place the emotion behind that part of the expression. Several more moments of silence passed, and he finally set the tea down, leaning his elbows onto his knees, anger winning the battle on his face. "Eleven?"

I clicked my tongue, trying to chuckle. I wasn't going to continue. I wasn't just going to give him the free information. I clutched the tea closer to me, watching as the ripples formed on the surface. He was going to have to be straight forward with his questions, just as I would be straight forward with my answers. What are you afraid of?

Shizuo glanced over to me, the silence paired with the gaze suddenly making me nervous. "Did they all..." he sounded so pitiful. It had me scowling.

"Can we not talk so seriously about this." I said, still not looking his way. "What happened is what happened. There's nothing I can say or do now to change it."

This seemed to snap Shizuo out of his pitying voice, and back to his normal irritated 'what the fuck are you doing Izaya' voice. "Huh? And yet you've made such a big deal out of this? So you've accepted it?"

I chuckled, spinning the cup in my hands, eyes narrowing. The demon shifted in my stomach, a moment of panic rising in my chest. When nothing happened, no pain and no more shifting, I continued talking just to ease the nervousness. "Ah, why do the details matter? I was fucked. I almost gave them what they wanted. That's it. I got myself into this situation anyway. So that's it. That's all there is to it. Talking about it won't help me any. Talking about it won't change anything. Talking about it won't make it all suddenly okay. Talking about it – won't make me feel..."

I stopped mid rant, suddenly aware of Shizuo's hand gripping my forearm.

I was shaking. Quaking like a leaf in the breeze. I kept my mouth firmly closed, trying to remember what the warmth of the tea felt like, because my fingers were suddenly ice cold. My entire body was suddenly chilled, Shizuo's hand the only warm thing wrapping around me.

"Just tell me." He said, eyes glinting dangerously like they did before he uprooted something metal and heavy and chucked it my way. "I don't care if you get anything out of it anymore, I just want to know." There were several reasons as to why he would have said it that way. Whether it was just an excuse to get me to talk, or whether he actually didn't care. It could have also been that the situation had escalated and gone on for too long, that he just wanted to know so that he could draw his own conclusions from it. He seemed worried. The Shizu-chan I knew never worried about me.

This was what I liked doing. Looking at people and trying to understand why it was that they said and did the things that they -

"Flea, stop zoning out and talk." He all but shook me, careful of the burning hot liquid tightly clenched between my hands.

My tongue darted out, licking at my dried bottom lip, and i noticed that he watched rather intently. I stared across the room in a daze, not exactly seeing or wanting to be in the situation I was. More growling and more shaking had me stuttering out words, "It... might be a long story..."

"I don't care." Shizuo stated, hand removing from my arm and back to safely clench his free hand. Muscles flexed all up his arms. I shuddered. "We have all night."

I swallowed thickly, glancing down to my tea. The silence was eating at me, questioning on whether or not I wanted to do this, to admit to any of this. To talk about this.

What would it achieve?

I was not broken – or so I didn't think... anyway...

Sighing, I realized that yes. It had been a significant enough event to impact me, and there were reasons why.

And so I sighed again, my chest getting heavier as the words started to tumble from my mouth, incoherent at first. "I... the whole situation... see I don't know how much you want to know, or what details to give, or where to even start..."

Shizuo gave me a starting point. "I don't care why you were there, or how you got there. Who did it? What did they want? Why did they do it? And what happened?"

I chuckled, the sound coming out shaky and nervous. "I think you'll care about how I got there, and why I was there." I chuckled, rubbing at my nose in irritation. "Who sent me. Why." I felt my stomach drop into a pit, the feeling of failure washing over with me. I could throw up, right then and there.

And so I started there. Meeting with Shiki. Meeting with Kai. Stabbing Kai. And running. Running. Getting caught and beat down on the streets by Hajime. Forced into a car and pressured in the underground parking lot. They wanted Celty's head. I saved the details of that for later.

But the newest addition to the story didn't start until I got to the part where I had tried to flee from them, from the car, from the threats. Even by this point, I was cold and shivering, lost in my thoughts of what had happened. I had tried to forget. I had pretended like it didn't happen. I didn't want to remember that part of the entire experience.

But this part, as I was telling it. I practically relived it.

My escape plan was instantly ruined, hands wrapping around my waist securely before hoisting me into the air and throwing me over a shoulder like a sack of potatoes. I kicked and wriggled, growling loudly while glaring at the open drivers door, the brute carrying me back to the waiting group of thugs. I was out of breath again by the time we got back, and the body guard threw me down and onto the cement ground without mercy. Pain flared in my wrists, and I groaned, but pried open an eye just to make sure that no one was about to stomp on my face.

Hajime was hovering above me and looking pissed, and I couldn't help but smirk.

"Little shit." He spat, reaching down and pulling me up to my feet by my hair. I yelled, trying to get my feet underneath me to take away the pressure. "Get out of the van." He snapped at the kid who had been sitting in the van, the punk suddenly scuttling out of Hajime's way. He looked too young to be caught up in a Yakuza war. I glanced at him carefully, not that processing information would help me at the moment.

I was shoved forward, torso slamming onto the floor of the van while my legs remained securely on the ground outside, bent over like a quick fuck. Hands were suddenly shoving my jacket up and around my waist, and I glanced over my shoulder in a panic.

Hajime's face almost knocked into mine as he pressed me into the floor, his chest to my back. "We're skipping warnings two and three." He snarled, hands sliding over my belt.

"Wait," Fear coiled in the pit of my stomach, and I tried to struggle, only to encourage the little spark of excitement going on in his pants. My lower half was suddenly bare, and I shivered, calloused palms sliding over me. "No-"

"I'm going first, and then the boys can all have a round. Maybe you'll be more compliant and understanding when we're done."

I didn't even have time argue. He took me as aggressively as he could.

It was the initial push that had me squeezing my eyes shut as hard as they would go, and biting my tongue until it bled. I could have bit half the thing off, for all I knew. The pain wasn't what I had expected. Tearing and sharp, hands forced my hips down solidly enough that I could feel them bruising as he shoved his way in, tearing through my muscles and stretching me out further than I could go in only a couple of slow, forcing thrusts.

It took everything I had not to scream.

Whimpering instead, I could only wriggle against the cuffs and clench my jaw to try and save some of my pride, some of dignity.

But when he finally managed to fit himself in, my ass pressed snug against his hips, I couldn't hold back the cry. I couldn't keep my voice from tearing out as I struggled to keep a grip on myself, on my stubbornness, on the only thing that had kept me alive so far.

Now, after this was taken from me, my stubbornness was all I had.

Refusing to cry, I clamped my mouth shut as an ominous chuckle sounded from behind me, a little quick bump with his hips to make sure that he was in, tight and snug. He pulled at the cuffs, straining my shoulders. I whimpered at the jerk, fresh pain tearing through me equivalent to that in Hell. I never wanted to experience this. I never wanted to actually have to go through this again, whether in the questionable other world or here.

The cold encasing of the cuffs were released, my hands free to further aide in my humiliation. I wasn't even restrained anymore, and yet I still couldn't fight. I grabbed onto the front of my jacket with my right hand, my fingers sinking into the fur as I tried to distract myself with the familiarity of it. It's okay, it's okay, just breathe. My left hand laid itself out flat by my hip, trying to give me some sort of grounding, some sort of balance. Body tensing, I heard Hajime groan from behind me as he bumped me again, a little pant of please, a simple threat of what was to come.

"Last chance for the stubborn boy." He said huskily, head still by mine, one hand between us and lightly rubbing a circle on my mid-back, skin prickling at the touch. "What do you say, do you want this? Or will you just be good and just tell me what I want to know?"

The only response I could ground out was some sort of feral growl, crimson eyes shifting over to send him a deathly glare. My heart was hammering in my chest hard enough to warrant my concern. I would murder him when the time came. I couldn't kill him right now, just as he couldn't murder me again, but I could still do it in the future.

"Hmmm? More stubborn silence? I'll take this as a yes then." His hand returned to my hip, pushing with bruising force as he bumped into me again, a small chuckle escaping his lips as he buried his face into the fur around my neck. He breathed it in deeply, before blowing it out against the side of my neck, warranting a shudder from me. "Hold on tight, Izaya."

I had and still have no words to describe the experience. It was worse than in Hell simply because the little parasite in my abdomen was absolutely ecstatic. It wasn't until the pace picked up – a violent gasp leaving me breathless the moment he started – that my resolve to fight weakened with each thrust, that the demon started to move, started to wiggle, started to cheer.

By the time Hajime was done, I felt sick to my stomach for more reasons then what had just happened. And just like the demon, Hajime laughed. He laughed, sliding out with one hand pressed to my back to keep me from moving with him. It was revolting that I could still feel the tug of his length, because there hadn't been enough space for him to begin with. Blood and other sickly substance came out with him, and seconds later, he was crawling into the van space with me, pants back on, and sitting by my head. "How was that?" He asked, a hand running through my hair, damp with sweat from my own exertion of keeping quiet.

I could only glare, my emotions and thoughts conflicted as he laughed again, fingers curling painfully and tugging at the strands. "Are you feeling up to some talking? Oh wait. Too bad you didn't do it earlier. Even if you talk now, that won't stop what I promised." Grin splitting his face, I could have thrown up. I wanted to throw up. I wanted to cry and just run and call someone to come and save me. They couldn't be human. They were simply demons in disguise.

So then what are you, God? To be pulled down by the demons of both your world and the other?

The mocking from my belly came accompanied with another set of hands landing on my hips.

"Wait," I managed to choke out, squirming, and suddenly shifting, but the hand in my hair tightened and pulled, forcing me still. No, no, no! "No, Hajime, no."

"I said me and my men, did I not? Did anyone else hear that, or am I just crazy?" He laughed, as did several other people in conformation. I had heard him. I had heard him loud and clear. I just didn't want to believe. The hands returned to my hips, not as pressing as Hajime's had been, but still terrifying in their own way. "I gave you a chance, Izaya. I don't normally give people chances, and I certainly am keeping my word."

Glaring weakly, I looked away. It was at the moment that the plaguing thought that still haunted me struck me. This is my fault. My hand tightened on the collar of fur, and my other found purchase a little bit lower. It didn't matter if my arms went numb from lying on them. I just had to hold on to something, and hope that it would all end soon. That it would all eventually be okay.

Shizuo interrupted me, but unfortunately, I wasn't done.

"Twelve times?" He asked, eyes and voice growing cold and murderous. "They fucked you twelve times?"

I flinched at his choice of words. I had abandoned the tea long ago, and it was sitting on the coffee table innocently. I was staring at it intently, like it could somehow comfort me and stop me from spilling out the rest of what had happened. I felt numb inside, just as numb as I had felt when they were finished. When I thought they were done.

"I lost count." I said quietly, eyes not quite focused. I didn't dare look over, mind still reeling and trying to sort out fact from fiction. "I'm not done. there's more."

He growled, but his face fell like his hope had just crumbled. He let me continue.

I laid there, eyes half open and mouth firmly clamped shut. By the time the twelfth goon finished, and everything came to an end, I was on my side and curled up on the back seat of the van. My blood and DNA were everywhere. They had moved me, shifted me around and played with my this way and that. But the only thing that remained constant was Hajime, meticulously following my head around to make sure that he could see my face through all of this.

Are you done? I didn't ask out loud, my voice sounding weak in my head let alone coming from my mouth. Hajime was running a hand through my hair, which was too intimate for my liking, sitting on the backseat like I was some sort of pet cuddled on his lap. "You know, I am impressed." He said suddenly, my entire body flinching from the mere sound of his voice. His voice held power, of what could and could not be done to me. His voice held authority, and it caused me fear. "I don't think I've ever had someone last the entire round." If that was just one round to him, then I didn't want another. He genuinely sounded impressed.

I still didn't say anything, my voice lost in my mind. The demon was laughing, hysterically enough to choke on itself every once in awhile, and it did nothing to ease any of my nerves, any of the tension. My stomach was swelling, slowly getting tighter as time when by. But I couldn't deal with it. I couldn't even think about it. I felt like I was locked in limbo, a constant sate of just being but not consciously existing.

"I guess stubborn is an understatement when it comes to you." I couldn't see his face, for my cheek was pressed into his leg. I was clutching onto my jacket for dear life, like it was the only thing that could keep me safe. Please let me go. Please let me go. Just stop this. I remained impressively silent, though I was sure that he could feel my jaw clenching and unclenching against his thigh. He suddenly chuckled, the sound dark on my ears and I shuddered, curling closer into myself. The demon even became a little more quite, allowing me to concentrate on Hajime's breathing. It was picking up again, he sounded excited. It made my skin crawl. "I hope you know that I like breaking things. We'll get the whereabouts of the head later. I will have you telling me with no hesitation in another hour."

I swallowed thickly, knuckles turning white as I clenched onto my jacket.

"Take off his jacket."

The kid from earlier was suddenly getting in my face, pulling at the buttons. I swallowed thickly, but didn't resist. Hajime had hit me earlier, right in the face, one of the smaller men not being strong enough to keep me down.

It was a repercussion that had me hesitating to fight, hesitating to flee.

Because I knew I couldn't and wouldn't make it.

He was quick at his work, getting the jacket unbuttoned and prying my hands away in record time. Hajime grabbed onto my shoulder, forcing me to sit up like I was nothing more than a rag doll, and I squeaked pathetically as I sat on the damage that had been done. Within the next seconds, the jacket was off and my fingers were clutching at the hem of my shirt. I refused to look at the ugly discoloration already forming on my thighs, everything just covered by the length of my shirt.

The jacket was tossed to Hajime, and he held it in one hand. "Izaya," I glanced over to him slowly, not really wanting to see him. He brought my jacket to his face before inhaling heavily, a twisted smile still marring his features, eyes never leaving mine. My face morphed into disgust, watching him as he pulled the jacket away to reveal his terrifying smile. I might not be able to wear that ever again. "Let's go again, alright?"

What? A chorus of 'no's' suddenly stumbled from my mouth, my hands suddenly being held up in defense as Hajime shifted closer. I was pulling away, borderline crying, when he suddenly threw the jacket over my head. Hands suddenly wrapped around it tightly even with me clawing at it, pinching it at my throat to keep it secure and over my face. I was shoved forward, back onto my stomach while gasping for breath, my hands clawing at the fabric weakly. Will I suffocate!? The fabric was thin enough, I guess I could get by, but that wasn't what had the alarm bells ringing through my head. It wasn't even the fact that Hajime was pulling me back by my hips, his chest pushing me forward just the way he liked it, my shirt sliding just up enough to have him hardening against me.

"Izaya,"

It was the gentle whispers of my name being spoken in my ear. They weren't from the members of the gang, either. With not enough space for them to fully form, the spirits simply decided to chant my name, over and over, threats included.

"Izaya,"

"Isn't this sweet,"

"I thought you were a God,"

"We love you,"

"He loves you,"

"This is love,"

"Come back with us,"

"The Devil wants to love you too,"

"Are you crying? Awwh,"

I screamed when Hajime thrust himself in. Gasping and panting for breath, I couldn't do it. I couldn't help it. Not with the spirits whispering in my ear, telling me what my future entailed. This? This would be ten times worse. This would be ten times bloodier. This would never end, and every time, a new little demon would spawn in my belly until I couldn't live through them anymore. As the pace picked up, I found myself finally crying, the demon laughing in my abdomen at every whimper and plea. Please stop!

Who was I. To be rendered so helpless. A fallen God. And people called me a demon. The devil. Truly evil. I wasn't a demon. These men were demons. But this was my fault. This was karma. This was what happened when a human tried to step above his own realm, and become something better. I wasn't good enough to be a God. I wasn't capable. I wasn't strong. I thought I had known myself like the back of my hand, but I didn't know who this person was. This person who was crying, and screaming once again when Hajime violently finished. Screaming a third time when the next one entered.

This wasn't me. This person was pathetic. This couldn't be me. I was not here. And so I pulled away from the situation, took a moment to step from my body because who was that? I didn't watch. I didn't record. I just pretended like it didn't happen. Wasn't happening.

By the time Hajime ended the second round by taking me for the third time, and encouraging me to continue my weak resistance – some of his men not taking a second turn, thank whatever good thing there was still left for me on this planet – my throat had become raw, and my body had become so numb that I couldn't really feel it.

I couldn't feel anything.

And it was at this point that they redressed and re-cuffed me, and dragged me out of the van, throwing me onto the ground, and demanding once again that I told them where Celty's real head was.

This was the part where Shizuo saved me just before I broke.

Shaking. That was the only thing that I could feel. My hands. My knees. My entire body. Everything was shaking, and I was vaguely aware of tears running down my face. I didn't move, didn't even explain that I had reached the end of my story.

I just stopped talking.

I almost forgot that Shizuo was in the room, until I heard him growl. Glancing over, eyes red and now tired, I could see that he was mad. Very mad.

"You idiot," He snapped, suddenly standing up and grabbing my by the forearm, dragging me to my feet. I flinched, pulling away, suddenly confused. How could he be mad at me!? I already said that I knew this was my fault, that I was trying to fix it! What I didn't expect was for him to pull me into a hug, arms tightly encasing me while his chin rested on my head, one hand snagging into my hair and causing me to tense. "This isn't your fault, dumb ass. I will murder them. I will murder all of them."

I gripped onto the front of his shirt, tears suddenly coming out faster.

"You should have told me sooner." He whispered, somehow gently maneuvering us onto the couch so that I was practically falling into him. He didn't say anything else, just pulled me beside him and straight forward onto his chest. I didn't sob, I was still above that at least, but his shirt was rapidly becoming more and more damp as the seconds ticked by.

It was several minutes of silence before I dared to speak.

"I'm sorry."

His throat bobbed, an irritated growl vibrating his chest. "Shut up. It wasn't your fault." His heart beat was quick, the sound almost sending me into a panic, not that I was calm myself. "And no. There will be no more little demon spawns in your life, you here me? This one is good as dead the second I can actually get my hands on it, just like those guys. I fucking swear, I will punch them all so hard you won't even recognize them anymore."

I chuckled weakly, remembering Shinra's similar words. "It's fine," I tired to push him away, but to no avail.

"Can you not be stubborn for one damn moment?" He asked, only wrapping his arms crushingly tight around me. Any tighter, and I might panic, the breath being all but squeezed from me.

"No, I can't give in now, or all of this would have been for nothing." I said quietly, patting his arms because he was suffocating me.

Reluctantly, he let me go, holding me at arms length. "You're still an idiot. You should have said something." He scowled, staring at my face a little too intently.

I looked away, shrugging. "It's fine, Shizu-chan. You wanted to know."

"Well you're crying again, dammit." He looked like he wanted to shake me and scream. Instead, he brushed at some of my tears, successfully wetting his hand and smearing it across my face. My lashes were lumped together, and I tried to blink them free. "How is this fine!?"

I clenched my jaw, stubbornly remaining silent.

Shizuo growled in frustration. "Look, I'm sorry I made you talk, but I don't want you to cry." His words had the opposite effect. I could feel my remaining endurance crumbling. He could see it, see right through me, and suddenly his words got lighter. "Please don't cry." He pulled me back into his chest again, gently rubbing my back.

I groaned, shaking my head. "I'm not fragile. I don't need your support."

Another growl. "Now that is stupid. You need help, Izaya."

I scoffed, trying to push him away. Was he pitying me? "I have gotten this far along without your help, without anyone's help. You can't just expect me to suddenly ask for you support just because life has gotten a little bit rougher on me."

"Shut up."

I glanced up, glaring even though I probably looked like some kicked kitten. "This is not supposed to be the part where you're all like," I cleared my throat, before using a mocking tone, "'there, there, Izaya-kun. Everything is alright." I swallowed, glaring at Shizu-chan with everything I had in me. He still didn't let me go. If anything, he looked so frustrated that he was about to do something stupid.

Something stupid, like pulling me closer and kissing me on the forehead just to get me to shut up.

A look of absolute horror appeared on my face, and I scowled back up at him, torn between being mortified, surprised, and comforted. My face turned red, but discomfort was the first feeling to surface among all of the other pleasant ones. Something weird went through my mind, and I think the most horrifying idea wasn't that Shizuo willingly kissed me, but the idea that maybe, somewhere deep in my complex mind, I had liked it.

Shizuo, however, did not here my internal monologue, and he misinterpreted my look of pure confusion. "Shit," I felt Shizuo's arms slackened, allowing me to sit back a bit, "I'm sorry. I didn't think..."

I'm pretty sure the worst part of being a rape victim is being treated like one. "I just told you I'm not fragile." I snapped, tears suddenly running faster down my face. "Don't look at me like that." He looked like he had just accidentally betrayed me, like I was about to run away and hide. His hands slackened, and he automatically backed off. "It's fine, Shizu-chan." I looked away, face turning red.

This was all so awkward.

"Not, I mean, I just..."

"Shut up." I grabbed onto him, throwing myself at him again and pressing my face into the fabric of his shirt. Damn emotions. This was why I tried to repress them from the beginning. "You're not them. You're not any of them. You would never do something like that to me, ever, so shut up and don't hold back just because of what happened to me. I'm not fragile."

He managed to pry me from his shirt, holding me just a little ways away from him. His eyes darkened, thoughts swirling around his head and etching a look of confusion onto his face. His face really would freeze like that. I sniffed, more mad that he was treating me like the victim I was. Shinra hadn't even done that.

Spill the beans about something bad and everybody suddenly gets all kind and cooing.

And kissy.

Kissy?

I gasped, warm lips gently pressing into mine for the briefest second. Shizuo pulled back, eyes still clouded with confusion, and I was guessing that the kiss was more out of instinct than anything else.

Shock was all that passed through my mind, mixed with confusion and inseparable feelings. Disgust lingering with warmth. Fear weakening into curiosity. I was still clutched onto his shirt, still staring at him through the confusing haze that had become my life, and I couldn't figure out if this was okay, if this was alright.

Shizuo didn't say anything, simply looked. He seemed guilty, but convicted at the same time.

Fear wove its way up and into my stomach, but the demon growled angrily. Don't let him do that.

This was right.

"That's not what I meant by 'don't hold back'." I said, one eyebrow still scrunched as I tried to decipher the peculiar feelings washing through me. "But it works too."

Shizu-chan snorted, suddenly standing up and scooping me into his arms. "You're such a flea. Infecting everyone without them even knowing." I chuckled. Was that what had happened? Was he realizing that he had some strange, peculiar feelings towards me that he wasn't aware of before?

I clung to his shirt, still feeling somewhat miserable, but...

Relieved.

"Let's not talk anymore about what those bastards did." Again, anger was evident in his voice. "Shinra's orders. You need to sleep some more and relax." He carried me into the bedroom, gently dumping me on the bed. Turning the lights off, I heard him change before crawling in beside me. The spirits were surprisingly at bay. Maybe they were exhausted, from taunting me so bad all the time. "You're such an idiot. You could have avoided all of this."

I scowled, face darkening because it was true. I still felt responsible. He didn't touch me, just nestled in beside me.

"Hey Shizu-chan?" I asked, glancing over my shoulder skeptically. Maybe this is a stupid idea...

He hummed in response, shifting quietly. I swallowed first, face scrunching as I battled against all of my pride.

"Can I tell you everything else?"