Trigger warning: suicide attempt.

Once they were at work, Blake could step out of her own head and focus on the case. It was actually a relief; almost like waking up from a bad dream. It was ironic given how gruesome the case was, but that didn't change how she felt.

"JJ, may I speak with you?" she said as they went to pick up lunch. JJ gave her a smile, but Blake didn't return it; she went straight to the point.

"I'm sorry I snapped at you earlier. Don't take this the wrong way, but I don't need a babysitter. It makes me furious that you think you can act however you please because of something that's in your past. I am sorry about your sister, JJ, I really am, but don't think that gives you the right to decide what others plan or do not plan to do."

JJ was at a loss of words. Was it so? Was it her own experience that had caused her to overreact on something that was really nothing? She didn't want to admit it, but that could have been the case.

"I was worried."

"Well, there is no need to be. Okay?"

JJ was just about to reply - possibly even argue - but before she could open her mouth Hotch called out;

"Garcia has tracked down our unsub, let's go!"

The look in that unsub's eyes was the same hateful yet teasing one that James would always have before he hurt her. As Blake disarmed the man, he measured her with cold grey eyes and then spat her in the face.

"Fucking bitch! Nice bruise, did your husband do that?! Probably got tired of staring at that ugly face every day!"

Blake said nothing, she only wiped the spit off of her cheek with the back of her hand as Morgan cuffed him and pushed him into the arms of the waiting local police.

"That's enough!" Morgan growled and turned around to face his colleague.

"You okay?"

She managed a smile.

"Sure. Can't be mad at anyone for telling the truth, now, can I?" She shrugged and walked off with her hands thrust deeply into her pockets. Tears burned in her eyes.

Ugly, yeah, she probably was. She had gained a bit of weight last round James worked overseas, and as soon as he got home, he hadn't missed a chance of telling her how he expected her to lose those pounds because he had no interest in being married to a fat cow. When she had, he had complained that she was so skinny it was like fucking a bag of bones and that he wanted her to be more curvy. At times he could just look at her for a long time and then say something hurtful, often aiming the insults at the features she was most content with herself. "A nose job wouldn't be a bad idea" or "maybe you should consider collagen into those lips" and the all-time favourite; "you're starting to look your age, maybe it's time to consider botox." She didn't want to look like she was desperately trying to be 25, and she had a feeling he didn't want her to either. He was just trying to hurt her, and he did a good job, too. But she prided herself with having some resistance left in her.

Well. Today she had run out of resistance. Alex Blake finally gave up.

"We're going back home tomorrow at 7 am," Hotch told the team that evening as they wrapped things up. Blake looked uneasy at his words, and he took her aside.

"How are you holding up?"

"I'm okay."

"Do you have someplace to stay?"

"Uh-huh," she replied, but avoided eye contact. Hotch's usual frown deepened.

"I have a guest room if you need it."

She had to swallow to keep from crying. Why were they being so kind to her? She was the outsider, the one who didn't really fit in with the team. So why did they have to make things more difficult for her by making her feel like someone cared?

"Thanks. But I'll be fine."

"Okay. Let me know if you need anything."

"I'll be fine. Thanks."

She walked away and Hotch watched her leave. Rossi and Morgan came up to him.

"Well?" Rossi asked. "What do you think, Hotch?"

"I'm not sure," Hotch replied. "But I think we should keep an eye on her."

She came back to her hotel room with a decision to be made. A final decision. She wasn't going to mess around; she had a gun and she knew how to use it. She felt guilty about doing it in a hotel room; forcing others to take care of the remains, but she felt like she had no choice. She would rather do it here than in one of her colleague's homes, and she could not go back to her own home. And she knew she would have to do it before she lost her nerve.

She took a quick shower and changed clothes, and then packed her things. Tears were running down her face as she did, but she didn't notice. All the while she was packing, her hand kept wandering to her gun, caressing it affectionately.

I'm leaving you James. And where I'm going, you will never find me.

"JJ, I have a bad feeling about this," Rossi said. "She hasn't asked any of us for a place to stay and she did tell us she no longer sees her friends. I suppose she could plan on going to her family, but… for some reason I can't see her doing that."

"Do you think she might…?" JJ couldn't word it.

"I think Alex doesn't plan for tomorrow because she knows she won't be around."

They exchanged looks and headed for the reception desk to get a key card to Blake's room. The receptionist wasn't particularly eager to obey, but two FBI badges in the face can be very persuasive, and they soon had what they asked for.

They rushed through the corridors, both sharing a desperate feeling of running out of time.

Blake sat down on the bed with the gun in her hand. It was a beautiful thing; no nonsense about it, it was made for one purpose alone.

To kill. To end things.

Tears were still streaming down her face and she wiped it with her sleeve, sniffling. But as she raised the gun and put it to her temple, she was smiling through the tears. Once she pulled the trigger, there would be no more pain. Who cared where she would end up? Even if the Bible would turn out to be correct, there could not be a Hell worse than the life she lived here on Earth. It would all be over, and she would finally get to rest.

The door was torn open, and JJ's voice spoke.

"Alex, that's not going to solve anything."

"On the contrary; it's going to solve everything." Her voice trembled and was thick with tears, but she didn't lower the weapon. "Don't come any closer, it's gonna be messy."

"Yeah?" Rossi said from behind JJ. "That's how you're going to leave a hotel room? I never thought of you as that selfish. Besides, if you pull that trigger, James wins."

"No."

"Yes sweetie," JJ insisted, "he does. I bet you didn't leave a letter behind explaining why you did it. Cops and agents so rarely do. He will be pitied, and he will walk, and he will never have to face the consequences."

Blake closed her eyes.

"But I won't have to deal with him," she said. Her facial muscles tensed, hardened into a cold mask of defiance.

Then she pulled the trigger.

The gun clicked.

JJ threw herself over her colleague and snatched the gun from her before she could fire it again, and tossed it across the room where Rossi picked it up. JJ wrapped Blake up in her arms, holding her so tight she couldn't move.

"Never, never, never, never do that again," JJ murmured and rocked the older woman in her arms. She looked past Blake and met Rossi's glance. She nodded; he could go. She would take care of their colleague. He returned the nod and slipped out of the room, closing the door behind him.

"I don't wanna live like this," Blake sobbed against JJ's shoulder. "I'm so tired of being afraid. It's not the pain, it's not knowing what's going to happen next. How bad it's going to get."

"Well, you're not going back to him," JJ said. "I spoke to Garcia, and if you don't want to come home with me, she'll take you in."

"Garcia?" Blake sounded hesitant, and JJ couldn't quite blame her. Garcia wasn't exactly the warrior type. But she was like a Mama Bear if her family was threatened, and Blake was part of the family now.

"He doesn't know where she lives, or even who she is, does he?"

Blake shook her head. While James had been somewhat interested in the team members when she first joined it, it had mainly been the male agents; the ones he saw as possible competitors. The tech analyst, he had completely ignored. Blake feared that it was her doing to some extent; she hadn't spoken often about her. She found Garcia somewhat confusing; she didn't understand people who were so happy, and open, and… physical. It seemed Garcia was always ready and eager for both hugs and cheek kissing. Blake, on the other hand, had to prepare herself in advance for just a quick hug. She didn't like being touched.

In fact, that wasn't entirely true. She did like to be touched, but she was afraid that the touch would turn unpleasant. So many times James had turned a gentle caress into a pinch. Back when she was a smoker he would sometimes sit down next to her, take the cigarette from her, kiss her slowly… and then burn her with the cigarette. She had learned not to trust that what seemed like a gentle touch would stay gentle. The Replicator had scoffed at her and remarked that he didn't recall her being so skittish. The truth was that his movements reminded her of James's. She couldn't help herself.

"Why didn't you let me do it?" Blake sniffled. "I can't go and stay with you guys like I'm some sort of…" she took a deep shuddering breath and stuttered; "s-stray animal."

"Oh, Alex!" JJ nearly laughed at the image, but knew her colleague would misunderstand and take offence. "Nobody thinks of you that way! We're family, we take care of each other."

Blake just leaned her head against JJ's shoulder and sighed. "But I don't want to be taken care of," she whispered.

"I know that. But just this time, let us pull the load for you. You were in on helping Reid through his rough time. Soon enough there's someone else of us in need of help, and you'll be part of helping out there. Right now, you're the one we need to help."

"I wish it wasn't so."

"But it is so. This time."

Blake pulled back a little and JJ let her.

"I hate crying," she said. "Messes up my sinuses for hours."

"And that bullet wouldn't have?" JJ snorted. Blake actually smiled a little.

"Wouldn't have suffered the consequences in that case."

"I dislike your logic. Is there anything else I need to know about? Razor blades?"

Blake gave her a glare so full of contempt JJ nearly flinched.

"Fine. Pills?"

Blake looked away.

"Alex? Which ones?"

"Valium and Ambien."

"Where do you keep them?"

Silence.

"Where do you keep them?"

"My purse. Secret compartment."

"Tampon compartment," JJ translated. Blake nodded and smiled a little.

"Yeah. The one place no man would know to look for."

JJ understood. "You hid them from James, didn't you?"

Blake wiped her face with both hands. "Yeah."

"Okay, I'm going to take these things away from you. I am sorry for interfering, but I can't let you hurt yourself. I can't hand you the tools to hurt yourself. I just can't do that."

"Fuck you."

"You can say whatever you want to me, I'm not backing off."

Blake closed her eyes. "Game's over, huh?"

"Yes, Alex, it is," JJ said patiently as she searched Blake's purse and took out the pills. "Right now you're going to bed." She took out a single Ambien. "Take this. I'll be in charge of the rest of them."

"So now you're not only my babysitter, you're also my pharmacy?"

"Just humour me, okay?"

Blake sighed and wiped her face again.

"Okay. Could you leave me alone for a minute?"

"No. I'm sorry, but right now I don't trust you to be alone."

Blake muttered something that sounded like it shouldn't be repeated out loud, and began taking her clothes off, quickly changing into a tank top and a pair of shorts. Once she was done and had brushed her teeth, the pill had started to kick in. Her body felt heavy. She almost collapsed onto the bed.

"You should have let me do it," she slurred.

"No. Sleep now, I'll stay with you."

"I'm sorry JJ but right now I hate you."

"That will pass."

"I hate myself."

"That too will pass. Go to sleep."

Eventually her eyelids fluttered shut and she fell asleep. JJ heaved a deep sigh and curled up next to her colleague, finally allowing herself to give in to the tears. But unlike Blake, who had cried from fear and anger and despair, JJ's tears were mostly from relief.

A/N

This was difficult to write. I haven't written about suicide-related matters since my own attempt at it, so it was a bit too close to home, which might be obvious from the writing, I tend to skip over the parts where I have to face my own emotions from those years. (No need to worry about me though, I'm way beyond those thoughts now. :) So... I can promise those who feel that way, that things can and will change, with a little help from others and a little hope. )

I also felt like Blake would be the kind of person who means serious business with such a thing, but I'm not sure how well that translated into the fic. Well. Here it is, anyway, such as it is. A little OOC and a little weird all in all, but at least it's written.