( Trigger warning: If you are triggered by self hate, self harm, or suicide please skip this chapter. )

PAST SOLLUX POV CONTINUED

2 YEARS LATER:

I tried to forget her but she always lingered on in my mind. Her curls and laughs always stuck in the dark corners. I shook a bottle of pills I had to take to decrease the pain in his head after I use my powers. I curled up on my new bed and sighed. I had gone to a special collage far away to help me clear my mind. But, I could barely go out. I could only go out to a dark poorly nurtured garden in the middle of a bunch of tombs out back behind the cafeteria. I had to clear my mind so I wrote everything down and sometimes burned pages of my drawing book in my tin trash can.

I hated it here. Why did I have to love her so damn much? I thought this school would make me feel better but now I feel like more of a freak then before. I hanged with a stupid red haired guy and tried to help him with computer hacking. I didn't make many friends. Well, who would want to be friends with me? I'm a fool! I have so many issues and I make a fool of myself and everyone around me! Why did a girl as amazing as Aradia love me?

I was ready to not see her for a few days, maybe visit her with some flowers after school when she's home sick. But, I wasn't ready for her to die. I just met her. She was so nice to me. I held the pills tighter. I was such a mess. I pulled my jacket off. It was getting really hot. I was stressing out again. I held up my arm and looked at the thin clean cuts in my arm. Fuck. Why am I doing this to myself? I could have saved her. I could have just ignored her. I could have never looked into her big hazel eyes.

I slammed on my desk. I spun in the chair. I had to clear my mind. I opened a drawer where I kept my notebook. I opened it up and with shaken hands wrote:

Dear nurses and/or class mates:

I cannot handle this place anymore. I want to be free.

I want to exit this world and be with the one I love.

I want to live on with her.

Yes.

I want to burn in the after life with my love,

Aradia.

You can't stop me now.

Sollux Captor

I dropped the pen blinking out tears. Why did I have to lose her? I can live with her. I can still see her in the after life. I was sobbing looking over the notepad. I ripped out the paper, trying not to make a sound. I grabbed the rope Terezi, one of your classmates, gave you. It seemed useless when she gave it to you one day to "bring justice" but now you silently thanked her for it. You cleared your throat and looked up. A fan. It may fall on me, but, who cares. I'll die either way.

You moved the chair from your desk over. My heart was pounding. I'll see her again. I'll see her cute dimples and stupid shorts and band shirts again. I'll tell her how much I missed her. I looked up and sighed. I sat on the chair, now positioned under the fan and lowered my head. I wiped your face with the back of my hand and looked up at the desk. I walked over and hid the note in the desk drawer. I stood looking down at the paper surrounded by three blades you got from my sharpeners. Funny how things can be used for something differently then how the makers thought it would be used.

I sided the drawer closed, wiping my face nervously again. I was going to see her again. I looked at the pills. Taking an overdose would be slower, I think. Doing it like this would be better. I was sick of being picked on and being tested on like a animal. I would have no worries in the afterlife. I wouldn't have to do shit. I could just lay with her all day, forgetting the world and all the shitty people in my life.

I knocked everything off the desk in a heated rage, stomping over to the chair. I looked up at the fan and sighed. I stepped up slowly and tied the rope to the fan. It took me a bit to learn how to make the tie to put my head in, but, I did it without people walking in. I tugged on it to test hoe sturdy it was. I looked at the loop and stood silent. My hands were shaking, hands rope burned and sweating. I slowly wet my lips and looked over to the window, seeing my reflection in the glass.

I looked horrible. I felt horrible. I just wanted to get it over with but at the same time I wanted to just say my goodbyes. I closed my eyes and leaned foreword. "Goodbye world. I won't miss you," Was the last thing I said. I felt the chair slide from my feet as I leaned in. It was black and cold. I didn't feel anything.

PAST DR. SCRATCH POV:

I rushed in. I heard the news from one of my nurses. I swung the door to see nurses around the room covering their mouths and crying. I shoved through to get to the middle of the student dorm. I looked up, shocked, to see one of my favorite patients hanging, lifeless and still. I shoved everyone out. Nobody had to know about this. People were supposed to be safe and happy here. I had to think of a cover story. Fast.

PAST GHOST SOLLUX POV:

I opened my eyes. I shook my head. What had happened? I flew out of my grave. I turned around and read what it said. Sollux, eh? My head hurt. It felt like there was not blood in it at all. Ugh. I looked up and saw an open window. Free room. I flew in and popped up a chair and pulled it up to the desk. Nobody was there. I shoved a rope above the fan. No idea why it was there. I needed a nap. I felt horrible. The room was a mess but it'll do.