Dare You to Live

By ElveNDestiNy

August 13, 2007

A/N: Sorry for the long wait. Part IV was edited with a few significant changes to dialogue, so you might want to reread that one before you get started on this update. I really suggest that you at least skim it because this part refers back to the last one.

- Regret -

It was another morning, another start to a new day, and it came long before she wanted it to, although Riku woke just as the windows started to show the lightening sky outside. She had slept more than she had in weeks, the demands of her exhausted body overriding everything else for once. The worst of it was that she knew she wasn't in such a bad state solely from grief at the death of her twin. She hadn't healed from that, but she had been more upset in the past few days than all the days of the last month put together, and it was mostly because of Dark.

Riku pressed her palms to her eyes, trying not to let the argument from last night replay in her head. Was it even fair to call it an argument? Dark hadn't argued back at all. She still couldn't understand how she could have done it, how she could have said such hurtful things without any hesitation or thought of the consequences. She hadn't said her thoughts so bluntly for a long time. It was as if something had broken inside her last night, something that took away four years of lessons in self-control and restraint.

What perfect timing. Just when she had thought life couldn't get worse, it did.

She hadn't done anything truly wrong. She had simply told the truth about Risa's death—the reason why Risa had stepped off the curb so randomly, not even aware of the danger she had put herself in. But the truth was something Riku had never shared with anyone else.

How could she, after all? She didn't want Risa to be remembered as a lovesick girl who had died because she believed her lover had finally come for her. It was enough that Dark had destroyed her twin so completely—at least in death Riku could finally protect her.

But the regrets she still had felt as if they burned a hole in her heart. Riku had not even tried to discourage Risa's fantasy. She knew her twin had always expected Dark to find her one day, she knew Risa had always been waiting, ready at any moment to stop her life for Dark. And still, despite all that knowledge, Riku had done nothing at all. She had successfully protected Risa from absolutely everything but her own love for a certain black-winged memory.

Most of all, Riku knew that all of it was because she had been too intent on protecting herself…and from those very same memories.

Too late for regrets, though. Riku knew that, too. She couldn't go back and change the past, not even the words she had said just last night. It startled her to think that it had only been a few hours ago. Everything seemed to have been carved onto her memory as deeply as those moments when Risa had died.

The only thing she could do was to continue to live, as she always did. The Riku that stared back at her from the mirror looked far better than she felt, although her eyes were red rimmed and her long hair hopelessly tangled. Riku gripped the edge of her sink, trying her best to clear her mind of thoughts. Already, her head throbbed with the beginnings of a headache that she knew would only get worse as the day wore on.

She showered, dressed, and finally made her way downstairs. The house seemed eerily quiet, although she knew that Sabochi-san would not be up yet. It was still early in the morning. Riku quietly ate breakfast by herself, or at least she tried to eat so that she could say she did. Although she had no appetite whatsoever, Sabochi-san worried about how much weight she had lost, as had her parents.

It was funny that it was only when Risa was gone that Riku, who had never cared what she looked like or what she wore, finally realized how much appearances mattered. Looking unhealthy only invited more questions, more doctors who would be asked to treat her. So, even now, Riku was wearing a blue dress that would have passed even her French governess' inspection, although her hair hung freely down her back in slight waves.

She cleaned up and then almost mechanically went back to her room and stood before the French doors. With one hand, she pushed the curtain to the side. The glass was so clear that it might not have been there; the sun shone down brightly on the empty balcony. Her eyes swept across it without really seeing, the throbbing in her head suddenly intensifying until her nerveless hand let go, and the curtain swished back into place. She might have softly called out a name, might have not.

A moment passed, and then two, as the headache subsided briefly. It left her feeling lightheaded, but thankfully not too dizzy. It wasn't right that her head could feel as if it were splitting apart, Riku thought distantly, but this time, possibly for the first and only time, she had actually welcomed the pain. It distracted her from the heaviness that seemed to have settled in her chest.

The taps on the bedroom door were probably light, but her current sensitivity to sound made each knock jarring. Trying to ignore the sudden tension she felt, Riku turned around and made her way to the door on sheer willpower, taking a breath before she opened it.

The face that greeted her smiled, but blurred before her eyes as Riku fought to act normally. Sabochi-san told her several things but she couldn't quite process any of them, only catching part of the question he'd said last. It wasn't enough for her to know how to answer, and when she only stared blankly at him without responding, he looked worried.

He reached out with a hand and the gesture jolted her out of her temporary daze. Riku wasn't sure exactly what she said, but suspected it was probably not as polite as she would have wanted. In any case, it was enough for him to leave her alone as she wished. She lay on the bed, above the covers, and waited it out.

It was times like these when the treacherous little thoughts would cross her mind, distracting her from the pain in her head by recalling other kinds of pain. What was she living for? The question haunted her; sometimes she wished it had been her, instead. After all, Risa, Riku, did it matter? They had struggled so much to be different, and yet they had looked exactly alike. Nothing could have erased the fact that the DNA that made every person unique in the world made them the same.

Riku turned on her side and curled up, never quite prepared for the migraine and its associated nausea for all its hated familiarity. She was glad that she had managed to send Sabochi-san away; she did not want him to see her like this or otherwise he would worry, maybe even call her parents—not that it would make a difference.

At least everything was as quiet as she could possibly have hoped for, except for the amplified sounds of her own uneven breathing, harsh to her ears. The increased sensitivity to sound had made it very difficult for her before. The only problem now was that the room was too bright, even with the curtains drawn.

Inwardly Riku cursed the photophobia that made it seem as if the sun were waiting for her just behind her closed eyelids. Like most sufferers of migraines, she wanted the comfort of the dark, needed it. The thought made her breath catch in her throat and she bit her lip.

It was probably only fair that the past night had hurt her as much as she'd hurt Dark. The stress of it probably had brought on the migraine. The universe had its unique sense of irony, Riku thought sardonically, and its own form of justice. If only she could forget how he had looked, the expression on his face when he had accepted the blame she'd placed on him for Risa's death.

Risa. It was always Risa, and she always between them. But now that she was truly gone, forever gone, all Riku wanted was for her twin to be between them still. Her head started to throb again, bringing tears of pain to the corners of her eyes as she searched for something positive in all of this.

Well, it looked like she had at last succeeded in driving Dark away for good. It was hard to imagine how they had come to this. Her accusation four long years ago that he was a pervert seemed now just as silly as Risa's dreamy adoration of him had been. She wished that she didn't remember what he had said last night word for word.

I'm here. Please let me be here for you.

"But you're not," she answered tiredly into the semi-darkness, to a ghost. It should have been a relief, especially given that she hated for anyone to see her weak like this, but it wasn't. She couldn't convince herself that that was what she wanted, and she couldn't forget that she was the one who had pushed him away.

Riku crossed her arms against her chest, hugging herself, and only wished she didn't feel so alone.

The knocking on the door brought her out of the half-daze she had fallen into, but Riku was too tired to get up to properly answer it. When she tried to speak, her dry throat made her voice come out in a croak. A brief glance at the glowing red numbers of the clock told her that it was one in the afternoon. She sat up in bed, groggily turning toward the door when it opened, expecting to see Sabochi-san again. The light from the hall stung her eyes but she ignored it when she made out the tall silhouette.

Was it…?

She saw the figure's hand fumble for the light switch and spoke instinctively. "No, please don't!"

"Riku? What's wrong?"

She turned toward the voice, a sharp stab of disappointment going through her. "Daisuke."

He came to the bed as she sagged back onto the pillows. His hand touched her shoulder and Riku could sense that he was waiting for his eyes to adjust to the dimness of the room. When they did, he looked at her. "Sabochi-san said that you weren't feeling well this morning, so I wanted to see you myself. Are you all right?"

"I only have a mild headache left," Riku said untruthfully. "I'm sorry it's so dark in here, but light makes it worse."

"Shouldn't you go see a doctor? You look so pale, Riku." Daisuke put a hand on her forehead to check for fever, not seemingly much relieved to find that her temperature was normal. Riku watched the emotions cross his eyes, as guileless now as they always had been, and understood that he was thinking of Risa and how Riku now looked like her twin. It surprisingly was a source of comfort rather than hurt.

"I'll be fine," she said wanly but with a genuine smile. "Why did you come?"

"Maybe I wanted to see you," he answered with a teasing smile that was reminiscent of someone else's, and Riku narrowed her eyes at him in warning, prompting him to laugh. "I'm being honest, Riku. You've changed so much and not at all. I'm not sure what to make of it."

"You, too," she said, and then spoke before she thought. "Who knew that you would end up resembling…ah…"

Fortunately Daisuke interrupted without realizing that she had stopped. "A lot of people say that, but I think—well, I know—we're still completely different. Speaking of Dark, I thought he might be tired so I came to take over for him and to see if he found out anything. Where is he?"

"I don't know," was the only thing she could say.

He frowned at her answer. "He was supposed to be watching over you, but here you are, all sick, and he's gone?"

She closed her eyes briefly, trying to seem neutral about it. At the same time, the guilt in Riku's chest forced her to say something, before Daisuke got angry for the wrong reasons. "First of all, I don't need anyone to watch over me. Also, he left because we fought, so don't blame him."

"You fought?" Daisuke repeated, not really making it a question. "Again?"

She shrugged carefully. "It does seem inevitable, doesn't it?"

Rather than deflecting his interest, her flippant reply seemed to increase it. "What was it over?"

"I don't think it matters, right?"

Daisuke sighed. "Riku, can't you be a little more…forgiving of him? No one's faultless."

He was so earnest. She gave a sharp laugh that sent pain through her skull, but prevented her from saying something like believe me, I know. "I used to have a goal, you know. My mother asked me when I was little to try to do at least one kind thing for someone once a week. I was just thinking this morning that I can't remember the last thing I did for someone. I've only been paying attention to myself, as if I can't see anything else in the world. I guess I've become a bad person."

"You were always caring for Risa. Do you remember when you fell off the cliff, trying to get her hat back?"

She smiled at the memory. "Of course, how could I forget something like that? You saved me and then ended up having to carry me all the way back up." Even now, she blushed a little at the memory. "I think it was one of the first things that made me admit to myself that I liked you."

Faint color appeared in his cheeks as they sat through the slightly awkward but intimate moment. Daisuke moved a chair to the bedside so he could sit down. "Feeling better?" he finally asked.

Riku was surprised to discover that she really did. When she looked at him, she realized that Daisuke had never been fooled by her assertion that she'd been feeling better. It meant a lot to her for him to be here; after Risa was gone, when she first started getting the migraines, she hadn't had anyone. "A lot, actually. Thanks, Daisuke."

She offered a hand to him and he took it. "I guess we haven't changed, at least in all the ways that matter," he mused. "How did you become such a lady, though?"

"Hours and hours of training," Riku told him. "You wouldn't believe how many hours. I pitied my poor teacher when I wasn't resenting her. Risa was her model student, I was probably her nightmare."

"I think she only succeeded in changing the outside, if anything," he said. He lifted her hand, noting the perfectly shaped nails, the lotion-soft skin. "It's hard to believe we're supposed to be adults now. Time goes by so fast, it's almost like we don't have time to live."

"Some don't," she said bluntly. Both of them knew what she was saying. Daisuke looked at her as if he had expected her response, though.

"Promise me one thing, Riku. Don't let what happened to Risa change you until you're afraid to live. I know that it would probably make you angry…to say that she lived the way she wanted to, and died the same way. But she did, she made the most of what she was given."

"Waiting for someone who never showed up?" Riku retorted bitterly, swallowing past the tightness in her throat.

"How can anything ever come true if you don't first dare to dream?" Daisuke demanded.

"I don't know." She looked away from him and toward the balcony doors, just as they opened.

Dark took a step in and then stopped abruptly as he saw her with Daisuke.

There was a heartbeat of dead silence, maybe two. The slight sound of the breeze from the open door broke them out of the motionless moment.

"Where have you been?" Daisuke asked him, without seeming to notice how stiffly Dark was standing. In any case, Riku felt him let go of her hand, keeping the motion discreet. She felt a faint flush tinge her cheeks, almost as self-conscious as her fourteen year old self had been when she'd first held hands with Daisuke.

Instead of answering, Dark asked the same question Riku had, earlier. "Why are you here?"

"I thought you might want to switch off, go back and get some rest while I stayed with Riku." Daisuke looked at her and smiled. "And no, I wasn't lying before. I did want to see you."

"I'm not tired," Dark said, enunciating every word. "We'll be fine."

It was a curt and not exactly subtle dismissal, and Daisuke's brow darkened with anger at it. "Really? So where were you when she was sick?"

Feeling as if she was caught in the crossfire, Riku looked to Dark just in time to see the surprise in his eyes, quickly chased by something darker. His eyes moved to her, taking in her appearance, and she had to wonder if she looked as ill as she still somewhat felt.

Saying that she was all right now probably wasn't going to do anything to help the tension between the two, but she had to try. Maybe she couldn't appeal to Dark, but it took two to start an argument. "Daisuke, please don't fight. You know that I'm fine now."

Because she had ignored him and addressed Daisuke instead, Dark looked from Daisuke to her, and then back again. Riku bit her lip as she watched them exchange an enigmatic stare, not realizing she held her breath until she released it. It seemed as if Daisuke relented, appeased by whatever he saw in his former other self's eyes.

"Do this right, Dark," he said briefly.

Riku thought that Dark would make another angry retort, but he didn't. "I will."

Daisuke turned to her with a rueful expression. "Well, I'll see you another time, Riku. Remember what you promised me, and I'll remember what I promised you."

It took only a second to remember what he referred to, that he would never forget Risa. Riku smiled her thanks and had just enough time to say goodbye before he left, shutting the door behind him firmly. The sight of that closing door made her anxiety ratchet up a notch as she avoided looking directly back at Dark. Unfortunately, it was about as impossible as avoiding the darkness of night.

"What happened to you?" he asked her, coming to stand by the bedside just as Daisuke had done before. Judging by his tone, even if he'd gotten over his anger toward Daisuke, he still wasn't feeling too friendly toward her.

Her half sitting position in bed recalled memories of last night, and it made her feel too vulnerable. She knew that he was angry even if he seemed to be trying to hide it, and it upset her. Without answering, Riku summoned up her energy and swung her legs off the bed, sitting on its edge.

"What were you doing with Daisuke, anyway? You know that he has Satoshi!" Dark's even tone cracked on the name. "Or do you think he still likes you?

She ignored his words, blocked them out as best she could, even though they hurt, physically and emotionally. Was it only minutes ago that she had told Daisuke she was feeling better? The hot tears welling up in her eyes were partly caused by the sharp, painful pulsing in her head and partly by something else.

Even without glancing at him, Riku knew that he was still looking down at her bowed head, and she hated it. Hated the feeling of inferiority, hated the feeling that she owed him something, not the other way around, even when he was saying things like that to her. Without considering the cost of sudden movement, she stood up so she would be a little more level with him.

The blood rushing away from her head made a dim roaring sound in her ears as she gasped, her vision going black.

Dark cursed as she staggered and he reached out to grasp her arms, but it wasn't his touch that was on her mind now, but the sickness that roiled in her stomach. Her head spun with vertigo while colors around her seemed to bleed into each other, creating warped shapes. Riku wrenched away from him, one hand covering her mouth, and ran for the sink, where she retched. There was nothing in her stomach, nothing to come up, but the convulsions hurt.

"Riku!" A hand clasped her shoulder while the other helped keep her hair back from her face. She gripped the edge of the counter with whitened fingers, taking slow, deep breaths…waiting, as always, for the world to stop spinning around her, not that it ever would.

Eventually she rinsed her mouth and poured herself a cup of water with shaky hands, taking a few sips of it before she gave up. The nausea hadn't been unexpected; it was a common enough effect of migraines, but his presence was. Even if she was loath to admit it, the arm across her shoulders had helped steady her with its warm, heavy weight.

She finally looked up at the mirror, seeing her dark, wide eyes and pale face. Dark appeared behind her shoulder like the phantom of his name. Having said so much before, he was curiously unquestioning now, she thought, but without much rancor.

"You should go," she told him.

His hand tightened minutely on her shoulder, and she remembered to shrug a little, indicating that she no longer wanted him to be touching her. He complied with her silent request, but still stood there, looking at her through the mirror. She knew what he was about to ask before he said it.

"Do you really want me to?"

She hesitated, her ready-made reply dying on her lips before she uttered it. It wasn't the question that surprised her, but the huskiness of his voice that he couldn't quite control. So instead of saying yes, she scrambled for something else to say.

"It won't help either of us for you to be here."

"Are you so sure?" he asked.

The seconds ticked past and Riku felt caught in the web of time. In the end, she shook her head no.

Dark looked at her and she felt as if he just barely smiled.

A/N: Please review! Thanks – E.D.