Dare You to Live

By ElveNDestiNy

March 3, 2011

A/N: Sorry for the long wait again. This got pushed to the back burner since I've been churning out these 15 page/10k word chapters for my LOTR story. Over the holidays, I got a chance to sit down with one of my best friends and I plotted out this story to the end with her. My apologies in advance for the typos, since I haven't had time to properly proofread.

- 11: Reaction -

She never would have expected things to turn out this way. Riku wasn't the kind of girl to be particularly caught up in relationships and drama. Despite being 19 years old, she could honestly say that she'd never put that much time or thought into how she'd fall in love. Risa probably could have gone on for days describing every possible scenario, but Riku? She hadn't ever been the kind of girl who made searching for love a top priority.

It had always been a "someday" kind of vague idea in her mind: someday, she would meet someone special—or at least special enough that she would not regret losing her virginity to him. After all, Riku was a realist. In this day and age, she didn't believe that sex had to only come with marriage or even with some kind of grand passion—some decent combination of commitment, attraction, and affection were what she really hoped for, on the rare occasions that she thought about it.

Love, well, that was a someday thing, too. Someday, like what most people eventually ended up doing, she would fall in love and marry, then perhaps have some children.

Risa had always scoffed at her twin's mundane expectations. Risa, without a doubt, would consider Dark's restraint to be wonderfully romantic right now. After all, who would have expected a player to be such a gentleman? Except it turned out that Dark really wasn't much in the business of playing with hearts after all, and he was deadly serious about Riku's feelings toward him. Even though she knew, she absolutely knew that he was finding it hard to resist taking what she'd so clearly—mortifyingly, really—offered, he had more self-control than Riku had expected.

In fact, he had more self-control than she did, and that was incredibly frustrating on more than one level. Some part of her appreciated that Dark was waiting for her to get things sorted out in her head and to be really sure of what she felt. The rest of her asked who she was kidding, because she knew what she felt—she was just afraid to let herself feel it.

At least she could thoroughly test that control. The devilish part of her pointed out that after all, it wasn't really as if Dark had said that he wouldn't be amenable to a change of mind.

She normally wouldn't have been so bold, but Riku discovered that after a certain point, she just wanted what she wanted. It was a kind of intimacy all on its own, to have her desires focused so strongly on one person, and on a person whom she already knew wanted her back. Maybe that was why she'd never lost her mind so much over anyone else—Riku had attracted a fair amount of interest, but she'd never felt like this toward any of those men.

Somehow, her body's absolute acceptance of such desire made it easier for her to realize why she was mentally and emotionally balanced on a precipice. She was resisting because she knew that if she fell and there was no one to catch her, it was a long way down.

She had barely wanted to live after her twin's death, and that loss still haunted her. If Dark left her, Riku couldn't even imagine what would be left of her life.

It was a long, long night.

Having been one half of a set of twins, Riku had heard all sorts of expression before about being each other's shadows or being "joined at the hip." Dark, she discovered, took that phrase to a whole new level.

"I'm going to go crazy at this rate," Riku declared to Daisuke the next afternoon.

Daisuke winced. "We just want to keep you safe, Riku." The red-haired teen obviously thought her sentiment came from her feeling of being "locked up" in the equivalent of protective custody. Riku didn't correct the impression.

"You must be pretty sick of Dark's company, right?" Satoshi added sympathetically, causing her to look at him with surprise. Satoshi rarely offered his opinions, but she saw a slight smile curve his lips and she realized he was just needling Dark.

Because Dark was there with them, of course, since they had all somehow decided that since it turned out she did need a bodyguard, there was no one better for the job. It wasn't as though Riku actually disagreed, but every time his skin brushed against hers, she couldn't suppress the shiver that ran from the nape of her neck all the way down her spine.

Even now, his eyes were on her, and even though she knew that to Daisuke and Satoshi everything seemed normal, she still felt as though she could melt under the heat and heaviness of that gaze. Apparently, there was no easy OFF switch for lustful fantasies. She remembered asking him, what's going to protect me from you?

What was worse was that if he was similarly distracted, he didn't show it. Dark was professional from head to toe, less protective boyfriend and more security detail for a celebrity. Except she wasn't a celebrity, and if he made any joke about guarding her body, she was sure she'd spontaneously combust on the spot from embarrassment.

Dark just rolled his eyes at Satoshi's comment, blissfully oblivious to Riku's inner thoughts. "You can do whatever you want and go wherever you want," he reminded her, apparently thinking along the same lines that Daisuke had. "I'll just be with you."

"It's not the same," she mumbled, feeling herself flush hotly. "Just having you hover over me reminds me that I'm supposed to be in danger."

Daisuke might not have noticed it yet, but little escaped Satoshi's observant eyes. After the nights they'd spent sleeping in the same bed, there were inevitably all sorts of little gestures and touches that came naturally to both herself and Dark. What was between them was like a bomb waiting to explode and Dark had already lit the fuse.

The four of them pored over the blog entries written by Risa's stalker for clues to his identity and what he really wanted. There was very little for them to work with and reading the insane, rambling rants just made Riku feel like she was caught in a cat and mouse game, where she was most definitely the mouse. They checked the video cameras that Dark had installed around the house, but the footage showed nothing out of the ordinary.

Satoshi and Daisuke eventually left around dinnertime and Riku found herself alone with Dark once again. He remained as cool and casual as ever, but she could see through the façade enough to realize that while all of that brashness and playfulness really was part of his personality, it was hardly all there was to him.

She only needed to say a few words—the words that he was waiting to hear, of course. But somehow, Riku was unable to get them out. Every single time she thought about starting up that inevitable private conversation with him, her heart quailed and she lost her nerve.

Because when she finally held off her body's demands and stopped listening only to the rapid beat of her heart, her mind took over and she was filled with questions and doubts. Was this really a good idea?

Part of Riku reasoned that she wasn't Dark's first choice, or even second, or even third. He'd been unable to love, unable to give himself fully to any girl because of his phantom existence. But by his own words, Dark had really, truly fallen in love with each girl—enough to let her go for the sake of her happiness, even at the sacrifice of his own.

Risa had seen the expression in Dark's eyes when Dark told her about their grandmother, Rika. Riku had another experience to add to that: seeing Dark's expression when speaking of why he had broken up with Risa.

And if Risa were still here, still alive, would Dark give Riku a second look?

Riku was just the lucky beneficiary, the one who won the prize for being Caller 100. Rika, Risa, Riku. She was just the last incarnation of the girl who Dark couldn't ever have, the phantom love that the phantom thief had chased over 300 years. Even knowing that her grandmother, her twin, and herself all had vastly different personalities, Riku couldn't help but wonder, too, how much their similar appearances had to do with Dark's interest. No wonder he looked at Riku like she was special—because this time, Dark could really get the girl.

Even if all that didn't matter, Riku felt guilt press down hard on her heart. Risa had always claimed Dark as hers and she had even paid the ultimate price for her devotion. How could Riku ever forget that everything Dark was giving her—his love, his commitment, his future—had been Risa's greatest dream?

The fuse was burning up with every hour that passed, but when the explosion came, it was still somehow a surprise.

Riku had stepped into Risa's old room and because she'd adamantly insisted, Dark had left her in relative solitude. He was roaming outside, checking the perimeter of house. She wasn't sure what she'd been trying to find here, except she'd vaguely hoped that here in this room filled with the memory of her twin, she could figure out the jumble of thoughts in her head.

She sat on Risa's bed and stared at the furniture around her, once again struck by the profound loneliness of life without her vivacious twin.

The phone rang and Riku nearly jumped off the bed—apparently no one had ever removed the phone from the nightstand next to the bed. Laughing at her own nervousness, she reached to pick it up. "Hello?"

"Hello. Is Niwa Dark there?"

It surprised her for a moment to hear someone call Dark by that name, although he'd told her before that he existed legally as Daisuke's brother. "No, I'm sorry, he's not available right now."

"I was told that he could be reached at this number," the man said irritably. "I have a proposition for him."

"Well, I can take a message for him and he'll call you back soon," Riku said automatically, opening the drawers on Risa's nightstand in hopes of finding pen and paper. It was probably some kind of important business thing—maybe this was a big corporate client. She finally found some lined pieces of paper already covered with writing.

"I'll try again later," the caller said, and then abruptly hung up on her.

Riku resisted the urge to curse at his rudeness and returned the phone to its holder with a hard click. She was about to go find Dark when she looked curiously down at the paper that she'd found.

It was definitely covered in Risa's handwriting, the bubbly, girly script that her twin had favored during middle school. There were four pages of pale pink paper, lined with darker pink, and the pen's ink was blue. The paper looked as though it had been ripped out of a notebook and forgotten in the back of the bottom drawer.

Looking at the date cutely scrawled across the top, Riku realized that this was from just before the Haradas had moved away. It probably came from Risa's diary, judging from the first few lines. What really caught her interest, though, was Risa's predictable turn to the topic of Dark only one paragraph down.

Even though Riku felt a twinge of guilt, she couldn't stop reading. There were so many things that her twin wrote that made her smile. Risa's personality practically jumped out from the page—true, this was her younger self, but she always had that almost-airhead kind of bubbliness, even though as her twin, Riku knew how Risa was also determined, loyal, and sometimes surprisingly intuitive.

She missed her twin so much more now. Reading this was almost like hearing Risa chatter away again. There were three long and excited paragraphs all on Dark's latest theft, covering the whole front page.

Riku was still smiling from Risa's dreamy description of Dark's eyes when turned the paper over and her heart almost stopped.

Anyway, I think Riku might actually like Dark! :O No, really. I mean it. She always calls him names and says he's a pervert (he is soooo not) and loser (again, sooo NOT) and things like that, but she also blushes sometimes when someone mentions him. Once, I even caught her listening to the news about him! She turned off the TV and started ranting about how he was a no-good thief, but when I said that Dark is so cool for being able to evade all the security guards and police, she agreed. (As if any normal person would disagree, but Riku never says anything good about Dark. Ever.)

So, what makes me so sure? I mean, I know she's with Daisuke and they make such a cute couple really, but she definitely would be interested in Dark otherwise. I just know it. Maybe it's because she's my twin—like when I knew she was jealous and worried that Daisuke liked me first -_-

But anyway, I liked Dark first and he's totally mine. It sucks that we look alike because then if he thinks I'm pretty, that means he thinks she's pretty too! But I can't help but worry about things like that when I imagine them because Riku's always so popular and brave ^^; even if she dresses like a boy. I hope she never tries to steal Dark from me because I would never forgive her… :(

The writing ended there on the page, with four blank lines at the bottom. Riku stared at them until they swam before her eyes and a hot tear fell onto the paper. The ink began to run and Riku frantically patted the paper dry even as she started to cry harder.

Risa had guessed. She'd suspected all along, somehow, even though Riku hadn't even understood her own feelings and had been repressing them. Risa's insecurity came through so clearly here, in her own voice, and it was because she'd known.

Was that why, on the day of the accident, Risa had looked at Riku briefly before looking up at the sky, searching for Dark—before she'd taken that step off the concrete curb?

There were two more ripped out pages from Risa's diary, but Riku couldn't bear to read more.

She found him outside, standing on the balcony adjoined to her second floor room. His black wings were spread in a half arc, a glossy feathered shield around him, and the sunlight traced each feather so beautifully that she was tempted to touch them in wonder. The tops of his wings stretched over a foot above his head and his wingspan, even with his wings only half unfurled, took up nearly the whole balcony.

"Dark…" she called softly, to get his attention. He looked like some kind of exotic archangel, and yet he looked a bit like a cat, too, the way he was soaking up the warm from the indirect rays of the sun.

He drew his wings in close to his body and turned to her with a welcoming smile, which quickly disappeared as he took in the signs of her distress. Even though she'd waited for almost an hour until she had calmed herself down, just looking at him almost made her start to tear up again.

"Are you afraid?" Dark asked right away. Since she was afraid, but not in the way that he thought, her expression must have confusing to him. "You don't need to worry," he rushed to assure her. "Don't let him get to you."

When she didn't respond, his eyebrows rose slightly in puzzlement as he tried to figure out what was wrong. Hesitantly, he added, "I know it's been hard for you to have me constantly shadowing you. I didn't want to pressure you about anything, but just being around me all the time must be hard, when you're not really sure what you want."

Riku looked down at the floor, unable to keep looking at his face when he was like this. If anything, his sympathy and understanding just made it even harder for her to say anything, because the lump in her throat told her that if she tried to talk, it would sound like she was on the verge of tears.

A few strands of her hair fell forward, hiding her face, and Dark reached out to tenderly tuck it behind her ear again. "I'll try to give you some more space," he continued, the sincerity in his voice like an invisible knife to her. "Riku, I'm sorry if I've been too protective."

"I'm the one who should be sorry," she told him unevenly. "I was wrong to lead you on."

His eyes widened. "What are you talking about?"

She took a deep breath and met his startled gaze so he wouldn't be able to mistake the strength of her resolve. "I'm sorry, Dark. I'll never be able to love you."

Riku knew the exact moment that the meaning of her words penetrated through, the exact moment he understood her rejection. His expression froze at first, a mixture of disbelief and hurt in his eyes, before his face became nothing more than a lovely and unreadable mask. But he didn't have such complete control over his voice.

"What exactly do you mean?" he asked tightly, carefully. He had caught her slip of the tongue, because a tiny hope flared in his eyes. "You aren't able to love me, or you don't, Riku?"

The silence stretched on as her heart pounded so hard that she felt almost dizzy. "Is there a difference?" she asked, her voice soft. "I've made my decision. You said that you'd respect it. I still won't be with you, so is there really a difference?"

"Yes, there is," he said savagely, and then closed his eyes, taking a few deep breaths. When he looked at her again, she could see the turmoil in the dark violet of his irises. "Riku, please, just answer my question."

Then he added, stingingly, "You owe me that much, at least."

"I don't—" she began with determination, knowing that there was no other choice that wouldn't prolong the agony of this, but her throat closed up and the tears that had been glazing her vision spilled over. The sudden clarity was worse, because she held his shattered gaze with her own and saw everything as she broke his heart. "I don't love you, Dark."

"I don't believe you," he retorted, but she could see that he did believe it, despite his denial. It had happened so many times before to him, Riku knew, and she couldn't stop her tears from coming fast and furiously now, because she was hurting him so badly and he didn't deserve any of it.

Even when he flirted, even when he held hands with a girl, some part of him was waiting for the moment when it would end—because some part of him always believed that he wasn't good enough to be a real lover. He wasn't real enough. In a way, he had always been preparing himself for this moment, guarding himself from the inevitable pain of losing the girl he loved to another man.

There was no other man, and he was more than real enough now, but he was still losing her.

"I'm sorry, Dark." The words were so inadequate and yet she had nothing else she could say. He'd opened himself up to her and had shared with her all of his secrets, even the deepest ones that Daisuke had probably only guessed at. Riku knew better than anyone how special she was to him, for him to do that. She knew just how fragile his happiness was, just how vulnerable he was, underneath all the charm and confidence.

Numbness stole over her limbs as the shock of what she was really doing set in. She knew he was looking at her intently, trying to find the slightest sign that she wasn't as dead serious about this as she seemed to be. All Riku could think about was that he'd been willing to give her everything. No matter how unreasonable she had been or what things she'd said to him, he hadn't let her go.

Dark had handed her his heart and she'd just dropped it.

Riku remembered with startling vividness how he had once called her brave. But she wasn't brave, she was pathetic. She was a coward—a worthless girl pretending to be consumed by her own selfish grief for her dead sister, all while betraying her memory in the very worst way, by stealing the dreams that never had a chance to come true.

"I don't believe you," Dark repeated again, anguish lining every word. "Riku, you don't mean it." But he took a step back from her, and then another, until he was close to the edge of the balcony. His shoulders were hunched, but his wings were spread out fully so that she almost felt surrounded by black, feathered walls. He was somehow both hard and helpless, the wild look in his eyes scaring her because it screamed of danger and violence.

"I'm so sorry," she said again, and those three words just tumbled out again and again, because this was exactly what she'd feared, but also a hundred times worse than what she'd imagined.

They weren't the words he wanted to hear and each time she said it was just another twist of the knife, because she meant it completely. Dark turned away from her and his hands gripped the railing of the balcony for a moment, his knuckles turning white.

Then he exploded into motion and Riku couldn't help but cry out, because it was beautiful and terrible all at once, and she had moved forward instinctively, only to be knocked to her knees with the force of his wing.

She remained on the ground as he disappeared, falling first out of sight before rising up again, her guardian angel who'd fallen for her and fallen because of her. She closed her eyes.

When she opened them again, she was alone on the balcony. With a cold and trembling hand, she reached out to pick up the glossy black feather. The gust of wind from his departure had dislodged something else, as well, from where it'd been hidden on the edge of the railing.

It was a small white envelope with a sheet of blank white paper.

A/N: There are only about four or five chapters left and this'll be my only DarkxRiku story after all. I still have one other D.N. Angel "story," Release, but it's mostly writing practice. Most likely, there will probably also be no more D.N. Angel works from me, though I might eventually get around to writing a few oneshots I planned out years ago. I know this chapter is shorter than the last few, but I'm already half done with the next, so there shouldn't be much of a wait. Please review!