A longish one for tonight :)
The electric pulse of the force field didn't last long enough to do any damage, but the titans scattered, giving Robin time to leap to the trapeze. Starfire was in the air again in a second, but Beast Boy hadn't quite avoided the spikes, and Raven sensed pain in his emotional climate before he ascended in bird form to the trapeze, dripping blood from a stab wound on his calf. She managed to catch herself, but barely. The initial shock gone, she ascended shakily, but her heart rate refused to slow, palms sweaty as she felt panic grow in her chest.
While Star attacked, severing the trapeze ropes with concentrated beams of green, Raven tried to gather herself. Her heart was racing, her hands were shaking, and blackness was bleeding from her feet. She couldn't convince her body that it wasn't in imminent danger. Wounds that had closed weeks ago felt fresh, suddenly, and she could practically feel cold steel against her stomach. This was exactly what she had been afraid of. However 'perfectly natural' her therapist said it was, episodes like this were less than helpful in training and could be disastrous in battle.
Not noticing her distress, Robin sent another boomerang whistling towards her. Normally, deflecting it would have been simple, but Raven's hands were shaking so badly that her nexus of black energy missed the boomerang completely and instead shot by Beastboy's head. He gave her a reproachful glance.
"Hey, watch it!"
She couldn't apologize, she could barely keep darkness from racing out of her and enveloping everything in sight. Robin's eyes found hers. She didn't know what she communicated, but he frowned and dropped from the trapeze, purposely allowing Star to catch him midair and bind his hands in his own cloak while Beastboy leapt into the air and wrapped monkey hands around his head. As soon as they hit the ground in a tangled mess, Cyborg placed his arm canon against their leader's head.
"Boo yah!"
Grateful for the out, Raven waited until her team mates had landed and commenced their high-fiving and excited chatter about strategy, then melted through the floor. Unruly as her powers were at the moment, even her teleportation was off, and she found herself half crouched in a tower hallway just off the kitchen, knuckles of her fists pressed into the soft carpeting of the floor, breath coming in ragged gasps. It must have been several minutes, but it seemed like no time at all before she heard rushed footsteps. Robin was in front of her before she could even think about escaping into her room, kneeling insistently in her periphery.
"Raven?"
She did not look at him, mostly because she was worried that if she did, she would attack. He did not listen to her nonverbal communication, every inch of her that was screaming for him to go.
"You're okay. All right? You're fine, it's just practice."
She felt shadows leaking from her clenched fists, focused on pulling them back into her body.
"Raven. Breathe."
Shakily, she obeyed, feeling sweat on her brow.
"Good. You're doing great. Keep breathing."
She knew she was regaining her faculties because she began to feel the urge to cuff Robin around the head, and also the beginnings of embarrassment. Slowly, the void she had been carving into the carpet receded.
"There you go. You're safe, okay? Everything is fine."
She didn't move immediately; she was afraid to. The feeling in her limbs was reminiscent of the tingling that accompanies decreased blood flow. Her legs felt breakable. Her entire being felt breakable. Still, Robin refused to leave.
"You need to get up."
Dimly, she realized that he wanted to get her out of sight before the other Titans showed up.
"You can. I promise. Come on."
He grasped her elbow and pulled her to her feet, where she swayed for a second, surprised that her legs were willing to hold her. She heard footsteps and voices in the kitchen. Robin glanced down the hall, then at her, gaze too probing for Raven's liking.
"My office."
He kept a hand clasped around her forearm, as if worried she was going to topple over. Ordinarily, Raven would have hit him, but she had a similar worry. Robin's office was small, but impeccably organized. He didn't allow any hint of his personality into this space; it was all austere filing cabinets and computer screens. There were two chairs pushed against the back wall, next to a bookshelf composed oxymoronically of stainless steel and carved wood. Raven collapsed into one of them while Robin sank slowly into the other. They looked at each other for a moment, or rather, Raven examined his lower jaw while he looked expectantly into her face, reaching up to remove his mask.
"I'm sorry."
He was taken aback by that. Of all the things he had been expecting her to say or do, that was the last one he would have guessed.
"For what?"
She wove her fingers together and cracked her knuckles, the air suddenly riddled with sharp pops. Robin winced, reminded of the punching bag incident.
"For being a liability. If I'm this useless in practice, imagine how much worse it'll be when we're dealing with the real thing."
The thought had crossed his mind.
"It's not something you should be sorry for."
"I thought I could handle it. I miscalculated."
There was silence then, the kind that settles in corners and makes air feel viscous.
"You still don't have to be sorry. You just have to fix it."
"And if it can't be fixed?"
He smiled slightly.
"Of course it can be fixed."
"Blind optimism again."
He rolled his eyes.
"Maybe I just have confidence in you."
"Same thing."
She was being difficult on purpose, partially out of embarrassment, partially because she liked to push his buttons.
"Can we stop with this self-deprecating crap, just for a second?"
He ran his hands through his hair, then leaned forward, embarrassing her with the sincerity in his gaze.
"You're worth it, okay? I know you can get through this."
She stood up abruptly, cape swirling around her ankles.
"Maybe. But I still need training. And apparently, I can't even deal with an obstacle course."
Her voice was its usual low-pitched monotone, but Robin thought he detected frustration in her body language, the way she paced back and forth, not seeming to notice the shadows that bled from under her feet.
"I could train you."
She froze.
"You…could?"
He folded his arms across his chest and leaned back in his chair, raising an irritating eyebrow to compensate for the annoying urge to pull her into his arms.
"You need hand-to-hand training. I'm pretty experienced in that area."
After a brief and sardonic acknowledgement of his inflated ego, she turned her back on him and pulled her hood over her head.
"Thank you. That would be...kind…of you."
She sighed.
"I'd better go explain things."
He winced and watched her go, not envying her the task. Raven closed the door carefully behind her, feeling an odd mixture of emotions. Embarrassment was predominant among them, but gratitude was there too, along with something she recognized as…fondness. Shit. Fondness was the last thing she needed right now. Trying in vain to shake the unsettled feeling in her stomach, she moved down the hall, footsteps echoing as she left the carpet and came to the stairs that led down into the living area, where she paused to force a deep breath in and out of her lungs.
Beast Boy spotted her first and paused his video game long enough to yell to her over the back of the couch. Raven noticed a long bandage wrapped around his leg.
"Hey Raven! How come you didn't stick around?"
Starfire, who had been watching the game tasked with the uncomfortable role of referee, turned around to face her, leaning against the back of the couch.
"Yes, friend, I wished to congratulate you on your performance! We worked very well together!"
Cyborg, more perceptive than the other two, put his remote down and approached her slowly.
"Anything you wanna talk about?"
She sighed and lowered her hood.
"I won't be doing any more group training. Not right now, anyway."
Starfire and Cyborg were silent, but Beast Boy popped briefly into a frog and back again.
"What?! Why not, Rae, you kick serious butt!"
Cyborg had been giving her a long look, from which Raven surmised that he had been at least as worried as Robin lately.
"She doesn't have to tell us if she doesn't want to, B."
"But – "
"I said she doesn't have to tell us. Now let's you and me sit down so I can finish kicking your serious butt."
Raven shot him a grateful glance, but still felt that she owed them some kind of an explanation. They were her friends, after all. As if echoing her thoughts, Starfire had flown to her side and was now prodding various limbs.
"Perhaps you require some Tamaranian acupressure? Or neftrous glorg brains? Or some form of human medication?"
Peeling her off and holding her by the shoulders at arms length, Raven looked over at Beast Boy, who was frowning.
"Thanks Star, but it's not that kind of a problem. My powers…have been unpredictable lately. I can't risk hurting one of you by mistake."
Beast Boy and Cyborg exchanged glances as Starfire bit her lip, a sorrowful cast entering her expression.
"This has to do with your imprisonment, yes?"
Raven took a deep breath, willing herself not to cry. The desire to do so was sudden, unpredictable, and rooted in her exhaustion, which weighed on every limb.
"I…yes."
Cyborg, still standing, placed a metal hand on her shoulder.
"Hey, that's all right. There are other ways of training."
Starfire, still looking as though her pet maggot had died, wrapped her in a bone crushing hug, which only increased the feeling that something was fighting to get out of her chest. As the corners of her eyes began to prick, Raven was suddenly grateful for her hood.
"This is the all right, friend Raven! You are still our friend and team mate in sickness and in health!"
Beast Boy, who had vaulted over the back of the couch, was looking unusually somber.
"Uh…Star, I'm pretty sure that's for weddings."
His gaze shifted to meet Raven's as he rubbed the back of his neck with one hand.
"But she's right, you know. We're here for you, whatever."
Raven couldn't do much more than nod; she didn't trust her voice or throat, which felt even more constricted. Beast Boy glanced cautiously at her after a quick squeeze to her shoulder.
"I'm guessing you want to be left alone now."
With difficulty, Cyborg peeled Starfire away from her, pushing the alien princess towards the sofa.
"We gotcha, ice princess. C'mon, BB, let's see how many more times I can cream you."
With another long glance at Raven, Beast Boy backed away.
"Yeah. Okay."
Not trusting her powers, Raven made her way on foot towards the hallway. By the time she gained the relative safety of the carpeted floors and insulated walls, tears were streaming freely down her face. Every bone in her body ached and her mind was plagued with memories of pain, darkness and doubt. On top of all of that, she hadn't had a good night's sleep in days and her entire being craved the warm comfort of her bed.
Robin closed his office door behind him, glancing left and right down the hallway before taking a right turn toward the main hall, idly wondering if Raven needed rescuing from the sometimes-overzealous members of their team. He had reached the juncture where his little alcove met the main corridor when he heard her footsteps. She moved by him quickly, looking determinedly at the ground. He caught a glimpse of her face and winced. Ordinarily, Raven would have sensed him, but she was exercising a great deal of discipline to keep her powers in check and had not engaged her usual empathic field. Robin took a hesitant step forward, but thought the better of it and let her go. The sound of her bedroom door slamming echoed through the quiet of the tower. In the silence that followed, Robin leaned his suddenly aching head against the wall and wished that he could help her more.
Thank you soooo much for reviewing and stuff! Makes my day(s).
xxxxx