First of all, thank you to everyone who took the time to review and/or follow. It means a lot to me. Second, I've decided to go ahead and make this a story. I have most of the chapters mapped out and have a clear trajectory as to where I am going to take this. So, without too much author's note beforehand I present to you chapter two.

And to clear up any and all confusion there might still be, unfortunately NCIS LA still isn't mine and neither are Kensi & Deeks, but the story is.

Enjoy

Love is uncertain
It's incredibly risky
And loving someone leaves us emotionally exposed
Yes, it's scary and yes, we're open to being hurt, but can you imagine your life without loving or being loved?

-Brené Brown

Being in love is scary
Being in love with your best friend is scarier
Being in love with someone you work with is the scariest
But, being in love with someone who loves you back is just scary beyond comprehension

Kensi Blye had been in love with Marty Deeks for quite some time now. He got on her nerves pretty much all the time but damn him for making annoying a cute character trade.
They had been partners for five years and she's been denying her feelings for him for half as long. She knows they've been more than partners for over a year now and if his recent attitude towards her is any indication she knows that now would be the time to stop pretending she doesn't love him as much as she does.
He's been pulling and pushing against her walls for as long as she can remember and somewhere along the way she stopped putting up a fight.
He had secured his place in her heart and she knows she's steady in his. Her only true problem is that she doesn't want to lose what they already have. But by playing it safe, she's realizing she's on the verge of losing him anyway.
He's been slowly and silently pulling away from her ever since she told him she couldn't (or rather wouldn't) take a chance on them. And as much as she wants to blame him, she can't help but understand why he's doing what he's doing. Retreating back into himself, to shelter his heart for more heartbreak. She understands. She understands because that's exactly what she's been doing until he came along. Understanding doesn't make it hurt any less, and it certainly doesn't make her miss him any less either, the many hours they used to spend together outside of work now simply reduced to zero.
She misses the way his eyes would twinkle when she'd take him up on whatever he had planned for them that day, or the small way he would crack his special smile when she asked him to hang out with her just a little longer. Or the way he would chuckle when she'd call him on the weekends practically begging to go do something. She wonders how you can miss someone who's still here. He's still in her life, still covers her back like no other partner ever could, still listens to her stories and still tries to smile at her ever so often (She certainly doesn't miss the way his smile never reaches his eyes anymore)
But that's it, at the end of the day they both go their separate ways.
She really misses him, all of him. Her (almost) lover, her confidant, her best friend, her partner in crime, her Deeks.

"What's wrong?" a silent voice pulls Kensi out of her thoughts.

She blinks a couple times to clear her head, looking up towards the voice "Huh?"

"Did you two break up?"

Nell asks, the worry and sympathy shining in her eyes.

Kensi raises her eyebrows "Who? Deeks and I?" She briefly wonders if maybe Nell overheard her talking to herself but quickly realizes she doesn't do that. Kensi isn't known for her talking skills (well, not the kind that matter in this situation anyway) so she knows she would've never voiced her thoughts out loud for anyone to hear.

Nell looks at her questioningly "No, Brad and Angelina. Yes, you two" she counters. She knows the telltale sign of her friend in distress and it certainly didn't look like Kensi was having pleasant thoughts just now, sighing ever so often and wringing her hands together like she does when she's really nervous about something.

Kensi let out a soft chuckle "Deeks and I where never together" she tries to put the irony in her statement but her voice is wistful.

"Oh Please, you've been together ever since you two locked eyes" Nell replies. Knowing as well as anyone else that there has been a lot going on between the partners for a long time now.

Kensi feels anger bubble up inside her. She doesn't want to be here, she doesn't want to talk about this, she doesn't want to think about this right now "No. We weren't, aren't nor have we ever been together" She spits angrily, quoting the 'together' part with her fingers.

Nell doesn't seem the least bit faced by Kensi's angry outburst. She figures that if she presses on she might just get to the bottom of what's bothering her friend so much "There's something different though"

"No, there's not" Kensi breathes out, silently pleading to drop the subject.

Nell's about to ask something else when a familiar voice interrupts her.
"Night Velma" Deeks says, smiling at her. "Night, Kensi. See you Monday" Before Kensi has a chance to reply Deeks is already moving away from them.
"See" Nell points towards the retreating figure in the distance. There's absolutely something going on there, and she doesn't like it.
"What is there to see?" Kensi asks, getting more agitated by the minute

Nell sighs, grabbing both of Kensi's hands forcing her to make eye contact "When was the last time you two left work separately and didn't spend the weekend together?"

This was cutting way to close to Kensi's open wound and her face betrayed how much it affected her, yet she tried to downplay it "We spend wee-"

Nell didn't even let her finish, seeing right through her little charade "Kensi, come on, I'm your friend, spill" she said a little forcefully, tired of this whole closed of Kensi business. She was supposed to be her friend, if not one of her best friends and she wasn't getting anything out of her. It bothered her more than she'd care to admit.

"It's nothing Nell, drop it" Kensi growled. The venom in her voice made Nell tremble. Kensi wasn't one to fall out like that so she must have hit a sore spot. Figuring that it was best to give up defeat (for now) she walks away slowly, shaking her head. Sometimes she wished Kensi's wasn't still so stubborn and closed of when it came to matters of the heart.

Deeks was laying on the couch absentmindedly playing with the remote control when he heard a faint knock on his door. He glanced towards the clock and wondered who'd be foolish enough to come to his house at 11 P.M on a Friday night.
Most of his friends knew that after a grueling week at work he wouldn't be in the mood for anything other than sipping a beer on his couch, watching whatever he could find on TV that didn't require much thinking.
The only person who it could've been in the past, was Kensi. But, he had made it quite clear that if she wanted him to keep being her partner they had to take a step back and not hang out for a while.
As much as it had hurt him to say it, it hadn't hurt nearly as much as watching her broken expression when he said his goodbye's earlier at OSP. He felt like he couldn't get out of there fast enough, and not just because it seemed like she was in a rather emotional conversation with Nell. He knew that if he stayed and watched her for just a second longer, his resolve would crumble, he'd take her into his arms and tried to cheer her up with dinner and a movie. But, he couldn't do that anymore, not if he still wanted to be able to work with her and not have it permanently damage him and his battered heart.

He shook his head when the second knock, a little louder, brought him back from his thoughts. Taking just a minute longer to figure out if he shouldn't open the door at all, knowing that it could only be one person, he decided against it, not wanting to get an earful on Monday as to why he let her stand outside in the cold.

Opening the door he was greeted by the one person he knew it would be "Kensi, what are you doing here?" he asked, trying to steady his voice. He knew it would be her behind the door, but seeing her standing there, hands in her pockets, cute little had on, he had to swallow back the urge to hug her and urge her inside.

"We need to talk" Her face displayed determination but her voice trembled. He wondered if it was because of the cold or nerves. He figured it was probably a little bit of both.

He knew that it wasn't nice of him to let her stand outside in the cold and the image tuck on his heartstrings but his head was winning over his heart this time "I'm all talked out. Nothing left to say. Nothing that hasn't been said anyway" he made a move to close the door, when she shoved her foot in between the frame and the door

"Please, Deeks" she pleaded, fixing her eyes on him. Hoping against all hope that he'd give her a chance to explain why she'd came. She could see the doubt and uncertainty swirl in his eyes. After a minute of complete silence, he decides to give her the benefit of the doubt, opening the door a little further signaling her to come in.

Kensi looks around the living room, doubt creeping in when she settles on the couch, legs securely tucked under her. She feels the couch dip and lets out a sigh when she sees Monty snuggling against her side.

It's a sight for sore eyes, and it hurts his heart knowing that she's still so comfortable being in his home. He wished he could do the same but his heart is racing and his head is in overdrive, he needs something to calm his nerves, to ease his racing heart "Want a beer? I'm going to get a beer. I think I need a beer" he rambles, walking towards the kitchen, but before he can get two steps away from her he hears her quiet plea "Deeks, sit down. I just want to talk to you"

He decides to ignore her request, desperately needing to get away from the tension that surrounds them "Talking requires hydration. Beer is hydration. Beer it is"

Shaking her head she watches him practically sprint towards the kitchen. A minute later he comes back with two beers. He puts one in front of her , eyeing the couch wearily. He knows that even though with Monty snuggled against her side there's still enough room on the couch but he opts for the coffee table. Feeling his back twitch two seconds later he abruptly stands and settles down on the seat on the far end of the room. A silent chuckle escapes him, for someone who has lived in this house for years he seems ill at ease.

"Deeks, relax" she pleads "Please" she swallows, feeling her own nerves flair up.

"I'm not sure what you expect from me here, Kensi"

Kensi sighs, he's been using her full name ever since their first talk and it shows her how emotionally detached he's trying to make himself "Deeks"

"Just say what you came here to say, Kensi"

There it is again, the use of her full name. No Kenselina, no Fern, no Kens, and it hurts her more than she might be willing to admit.
"Can you just try to relax Deeks. Please" She says again, trying and failing to keep her own nerves from showing. She looks at her hands, woven together tightly, a nervous habit she's picked up over the years. She tries to focus her eyes on him but she can tell he's been looking at her hands as well

"I don't think that's such a good idea" she suddenly hears "I've been too relaxed around you for too long. I let myself get too close for comfort" His eyes meet hers, and she see the hurt shining through "I got burned" he whispers the last part, but she catches it none the less. And, even though she realizes he's right, it doesn't make the words sting any less "I don't know how to move on from this" he continues "Every day with you, but not really be with you is another day a piece of my heart crumbles"

Kensi looks at the man she considers to be her everything, although she might not be able to say that out loud yet, she needs him to know this is hurting her just as much as it is him
"This is not easy for me either, Deeks" she lets out tentatively.

Deeks shakes his head "It's not about easy anymore Kensi. It's about how to get through this slightly battered but relatively emotionally unscathed"

Knowing that this is where thing start to get really tricky, she swallows and pushes out the words that have been eating away at her ever since her talk with Nell "I don't think that's possible"

"And that's the root of the issue right there" Deeks swallows. He's trying really hard to look anywhere but at the beautiful woman in front of him. He knows that if he keeps looking at her just a little longer, he's going to say or do something they'll probably both regret not long after.

Kensi silently takes a sip of her beer before asking the question she's been dreading to ask ever since they got into this situation "So, now what?"

Deeks doesn't miss a beat when he forces the next words out of his mouth fast "I could resign, go back to LAPD"

Her reply is steady and resolute "That's not an option worth considering and you know it" she says, silently praying that it isn't something he's really considered with all of this going on.

"It isn't?" he asks timidly, wondering why he's so keen to hear her answer.

Kensi swallows hard "I can't imagine my life without you in it. I don't remember life without you and I seriously don't want to find out" she answers.

Her eyes are trained on him and he has to give her credit for opening up to him. He knows he owes her the same "I don't want to lose you from my life either"

Kensi visibly relaxes after his last words but he can see the tears pricking behind her eyes, knowing it takes everything in her power to hold them back "So?" she asks silently "Now what?"

Deeks seems to be thinking about that for a minute before coming up with an answer "I think there's only one option left" he finally says.

Kensi raises her eyebrows "Which is?" She tries to steady herself, unclasping her hands.

"I'll try to stop loving you"

It's quiet for a long time before she finally speaks "I don't want you to try" the words come out so quietly that he has to strain to hear her.

"It's not a switch I can turn on and off, Kens" he whispers brokenly. His own resolve crumbling by the minute. He doesn't really understand what she expects from him, why she's making this so hard on both of them.

Kensi gives him a tentative smile upon hearing her nickname "That's not what I meant Deeks" placing a hand under his chin she pushes him to look at her "I need you to keep loving me" there, she said it.

Her words don't register with him immediately, he's still trying to figure out how he didn't see her coming towards him, trying to come to grips with their sudden close proximity. When the words finally do register, he manages to crack out a strangled "Why?"

"Because I need to keep loving you"

Ooooooh, I just LOVE cliffhangers, don't you? *evil laugh* Anyway.. Let me know what you think okay?
Reviews are what makes the sun shine and the world bright and it makes writing a lot more fun (so more chance for faster updates)

Just a little extra A/N:

Now that I've made the decision to make this into a real story I'll try to update every Sunday. BUT I will have to say that I'm on the verge of moving. I will be at family for about two weeks because the house isn't ready yet and I have to get out of the old one.
I'm planning on moving the weekend of the 10th but I'll have internet around the 12th.
That being said, I'll TRY to write and update anyway while being at my family BUT I can't promise anything, I just want you guys to keep that in mind while waiting for the next update.