First off I'd like to apologize for not updating on time. But once again things where out of my hands. My laptop crashed for the second time in two weeks and this time there was absolutely nothing they could do to fix it. Which meant that I had to buy a new laptop and re-write the chapter from scratch and that takes time. Especially this chapter (You'll find out why at the A/N at the end) Anyway, here it is. Only a day late, so I still think I managed to do quite okay. Hopefully you guys still stick with me through the rest of this story.

Enjoy!

In every shadow there is light
In every tear, a smile
In death I know there still is life, that lingers for a while
- Author Unknown

Kensi's 28 weeks pregnant when the world comes crashing down around her, quite literally.

She had been enjoying her day off ,going for some well deserved retail therapy with Nell, and things couldn't have been going any better. Or so Kensi thought. When they finally settled down in a quiet cafe, feet aching, stomach growling, she relaxes and puts a hand on her ever growing stomach. With a frown she realizes that she hasn't felt the baby kick today, not once. She doesn't want to worry about it too much, since she's been busy for most of the day. It's not like it hadn't happened before either. There had been a couple instances in the previous weeks where she didn't feel any movement during the day but as soon as she settled down and relaxed the baby would start kicking up a storm, making up for lost time. Maybe this was one of those times. Her midwife told her it was normal with a first child. Somehow, in the back of her mind, Kensi felt this time was different.

Looking at Nell, who is standing in line for their hot cocoas, she makes a mental note to pay a little more attention to it for the rest of the day.

When she comes home that night, after still not having felt any movement, she's quick to grab her laptop and Google 'what does it mean when I don't feel my baby kick?'There where a couple of websites that gave her tips on how to get the baby to move and she tried them all. She ate chocolate, lots of chocolate, she pushed the baby around with her hands, she even started doing weird exercises but nothing seemed to work. The more time passed, the more nervous she got. Deep down she knows this is wrong, that it's not supposed to be this long before she feels any movement, and that there's quite possibly something wrong.

But, she also hears the voices of her friends "Worrying about this now THAT'S not good for the baby", her mother," You didn't even start moving at ALL before 30 weeks" and the voice of her midwife "It's perfectly normal to not feel the baby all the time" in the back of her mind. So, she tries to push the awful thoughts out of her head and wills herself to relax.

When Deeks finally comes home a little after 9 PM she's on the couch with a giant tub of rocky road, watching reruns of 'hoarders' on TLC, trying everything in her power to not focus on the ever growing unsettling feeling in the pit of her stomach.

"Hi babe, everything okay?" he asks, kissing her soundly on the lips. His hands find their way to her stomach "How's the little nugget?"

Kensi sighs, no, everything is not okay, she can feel it. "Good" she says instead.
"We're both good"

Deeks raises an eyebrow "And now tell me how you REALLY are" he says, seeing right through her.

There's not much she can do or say that won't make him equally as worried, if not more, and she doesn't want that. She wants Deeks to be able to enjoy this pregnancy. To have the joy of becoming a father more than having to worry about all the things a pregnancy does to a woman. "It's just been one of those days you know" she offers "I haven't felt peanut kick in a little while". She knows that's an understatement, because if she was completely honest she hadn't felt any movement in over twenty four hours. The last kick being somewhere around yesterday afternoon.

"Maybe its just enjoying a well deserved nap. Baby's sleep a lot you know. Or at least that's what I've read, and maybe its just really soothing inside mom's belly" Deeks says, quietly placing a hand on her stomach. He gives her a kiss on the cheek "I'm sure peanut will be keeping you awake in no time, so enjoy it while you can"

She knows he's just trying to make her feel better, but the more he talks, the more anxious she gets. That stupid feeling in the pit of her stomach just won't go away "Yeah, you're probably right," Kensi sighs before settling her head against his shoulder "I should get some rest too" she says. It wouldn't hurt to just close her eyes for a little while.

It's dark when she eventually wakes, feeling something beside her stir. She blinks a couple times, adjusting her eyes to the dark. When she regains full consciousness she realizes she's on the couch and she had fallen asleep in Deeks' arms. Turning her head around slowly she focuses her eyes on the clock. 3.35 AM. Looking back at Deeks she can see him sleeping peacefully, blissfully unaware of the ever growing turmoil that had formed itself as a dark cloud in her mind. Taking a couple breaths to slow her raging heart she oh so slowly wiggles herself out of his embrace and stands up. Tiptoeing into the bathroom she settles herself inside the empty cold ceramic bathtub.

Hours seem to pass with her sitting there. Her hands on her belly, trying to coax any kind of movement out of the little peanut. But still, nothing comes. She's into her third round of weird exercises when reality catches up with her and she finally realizes what she's doing. Something inside her seem to click and she can't stop the giant scream and sob that escape her throat, not long after that the tears come.

Deeks startles awake from an unbearable sound what seems to be coming from inside the house and is on his feet within seconds. He looks around the room a little disoriented but quickly realizes Kensi isn't beside him and the sound is coming from the bathroom . He runs as fast as his feet will take him. Without any warning or hesitation he kicks open the door. The sight before him not only startles him, it frightens him, and he knows, without her even having to talk, there's something terribly wrong.

She's not sure what happens next. In a split second she feels strong arms pull her up and in the back of her mind she seems to be hearing a voice "What's wrong Kens, tell me what's wrong". Listening to the voice more clearly she understands it's Deeks "Are you in pain?" she hears him ask. Unable to speak she just shakes her head, letting him know that no, she's not in any pain, not physically anyway.

"Did you fall?" Deeks asks, looking everywhere for bruises or signs of discomfort. All Kensi seems to be able to do is shake her head.

She didn't fall. She's in no pain. That's good. Right? Deeks thinks. Then why is she still crying? And where did that terrible sound come from?

"Tell me what's wrong Kensi. Do I need to call a doctor?" Deeks shakes his head "No, I'm GOING to call the doctor" he corrects himself , hurriedly pulling his cell phone from his pocket, dialing 911.

As much as she tries to, she can't seem to follow the conversation going on between Deeks and the person on the other end of the line. So, when he hangs up the phone, she does the only thing she knows to do "Deeks" she brokenly whispers.

"The midwife is going to be here shortly" Deeks answers, pulling her into a tight embrace "It's okay, you're okay" he says.

Kensi can hear the uncertainty in his voice and that scares her more than anything. She cries a little harder. She might be okay, but she's pretty sure the baby she's carrying is NOT.

Things quickly take a turn for the worse when the midwife comes and can't find a heartbeat. The woman is calm, eerily calm, but friendly enough trying to reassure them that it doesn't have to mean there's something wrong but Kensi knows better than that. The midwife proposes to ride to the clinic where they can do a extensive ultrasound to put their minds at ease. Still unable to speak it's Deeks who agrees and quietly figures out the logistics while sneaking a peek at Kensi every two seconds.

She's trying her hardest to stay calm, to regulate her breathing, but she can almost feel the panic attack that's bubbling to the surface. This was everything she worried about when she found out she was pregnant. She had hoped that as long as she did everything according to the books, nothing would go wrong, that God would see that she could learn to be a good mother, even though she never wanted to be one for the longest time. Apparently she was wrong.

The ride to the clinic is rooted in silence. Kensi's mind is running a mile a minute, unable to process everything that's happening. Deeks is driving, and he's trying his best to not panic himself, Kensi's hand tightly gripped in his, resting on the console.

"Deeks" Kensi suddenly says, red rimmed eyes locked on his "I'm scared"

Deeks has half a mind to pull the car to the side of the road before locking his eyes with her. He takes both of their hands and places them on her stomach "I am too" he admits, unable to hide the pain in his voice "I don't know what's going to happen Kens"

"Can you please just drive? The sooner we find out the better" she says, rubbing their hands over her stomach.

Deeks doesn't say anything, just nods, and puts the car in drive. He takes a deep breath, he wish he knew what to say or do but this is not something they both prepared for. This was not what he anticipated when he woke up this morning and kissed his girlfriend and unborn baby goodbye. This was not something he could've prepared for he realizes. Closing his eyes for a second he quietly prays to God to keep their baby safe, but somehow he feels that his prayers come to late.

Deeks parks the car as close to the clinic as he can and quickly helps Kensi out of the car. The midwife is already waiting for them and gives both Kensi and Deeks a reassuring pat on the shoulder. Kensi wants to shrug away the hand but she decides against it. It feels warm, nice, comforting. Something she definitely needs right now.

They walk into the room silently and Kensi climbs up the chair before settling down carefully. The midwife, which she now just registered, is called Astrid, sprinkles some gel on her stomach and flips on the machine. The first thing Kensi sees is a beautiful looking baby lying in fetal position. If she didn't know any better it looked like she was peacefully asleep. But, the frown on Astrid's face tells her it's anything but a sleeping baby. She knows, even before the words are spoken, they lost the baby and suddenly all the pain, tears and fear she had been holding in come crashing down like a tidal wave.

Deeks is beside her within seconds, nestling his face in the crook of her shoulder. She can feel the tears streaming down his face and she can hear his strangled sobs but she can't say anything, can't do anything, she's too lost in her own pain. It literally feels like she's lost a part of herself and that her heart has been ripped in two.

"I'm so sorry" Astrid says, quietly placing her hands on Kensi. This was not what she intended to happen when she asked if they could come to the clinic. Even Astrid thought it was going to be fine. She was just going to give an ultrasound, show the baby's heartbeat and then send the reassured pair home. Now, she had to deliver the news that would send their lives into a tailspin.

"What now?" Deeks sniffles, kissing Kensi lightly on her head before turning towards Astrid. He knows this is only just the beginning of a whirlwind of emotions

"There are two options" Astrid explains, and Kensi turns her head showing she's listening. "You can go home, process everything that has happened these past hours. Maybe even talk to some people and then come back tomorrow or the day after that, or whenever it feels right for you, to terminate the pregnancy" Kensi grabs a hold of Deeks' hand for support and he squeezes it lightly "Or, I call the hospital and you pack a couple things and go straight away. They'll give you medication to induce labor and the baby will be born relatively quickly"

Kensi searches Deeks' face for support. She knows this isn't her decision to make. Not only hers anyway. But, if she's being completely honest she knows exactly what she wants, and needs, to do right now.

Deeks gives her a watery smile, unable to hide the pain he feels. He can't believe this is happening to them, that this is a decision they're are going to have to make. He's not sure he can. "What do you want to do?" he asks. It's Kensi who's been carrying the baby and she's the one who is dealing with the fact that the baby inside her belly isn't alive anymore. He doesn't feel he has any right to make the decision for her.

A strangled sob leaves her mouth "I want this baby out of me," she sniffles "NOW"

Astrid looks from Kensi to Deeks who quietly nods. He's not going to argue with that. Astrid turns on her heels, leaving her alone in the room. Deeks looks around, the room is dark, lifeless. Pretty much exactly how he feels right now.

"Deeks" Kensi whispers brokenly "I'm sorry"

If his heart wasn't breaking before it sure is now. The woman in front of him is a shell of the strong, confident person he knows. There's no light in her eyes, and the radiating pregnancy glow has been replaced with a dark grey cloud. He'll never understand how that works.

"Don't Kens" he says, grabbing her hand when she slides from the chair "It's not your fault"

More silent tears run down her cheeks before she gets pulled into his broad chest. She nuzzles herself into him as tightly as she can. If he only knew, she thought.
If she just had said something sooner, if she had just listened to her inner voice, to her intuition, maybe they wouldn't be in this situation. It's all her fault.

Deeks quietly looks towards the clock. 6.45 AM. It's morning, he deduces. Six hours ago he had fallen asleep with not a care on his mind and in the span of three hours their lives had been turned upside down. How was that fair? What did they do to deserve this? What did she do to deserve this?

"The hospital is expecting you within two hours," Astrid says, walking back into the room quietly "are you okay to drive?" she asks, eyes focused on Deeks.
He nods solemnly, giving her a hand in quiet thanks.

"Good luck" she hears Astrid say, before the door is closed behind them.

Kensi looks up at the sky, towards the sun that's slowly setting, and tries to smile through her tears. That's going to be your new home now, she thinks before putting two hands on her belly. Closing her eyes, she takes a deep breath. Finding her strength, she nods to herself. Let's get this over with.

This chapter was hard to write because it's something I had to go through myself at the end of '13. I incorporated my own personal experience of loss into this chapter and I hope it translated. I'm actually quite proud of this chapter, it being something I have been going back and forth with since before beginning this story. As soon as this story started to root I knew this was where I wanted to share my personal experience.

Next chapter is dealing with the birth & fall out of everything that happened in this chapter.

It would mean a whole lot to me if you could review this chapter.

See you all next week