I'm actually quite blown away by the amazing reviews and PM's I've gotten last chapter. It was hard for me to make the choice to incorporate some of my own personal experience into this story but I'm glad I did. Like I said, it worked therapeutic. So did this chapter. I'm not ashamed to say I've written through my tears these last two chapters but that's okay. Tears aren't a sign of weakness.
And, on the same note, did anyone watch the latest Grey's episode? Like seriously, it should have come with a trigger warning because I seriously thought I couldn't cry anymore, but I did. Well, it can't even be described as crying, it was heart wrenching, breathtaking, ugly sobbing. It hit so close to home, and to have all those feelings that I thought I dealt with come back up, that was hard. But, they also did it so extremely beautiful. Jesse and Sarah captured the emotions so extremely beautiful that even if you didn't experience something similar you'd still feel all of their pain and heartbreak.

Well, enough of an A/N before hand. Without further ado I give you chapter 9.

Enjoy!

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you, when she stands under my colors
Oh, and life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby
The sharp knife of a short life
- The band Perry/ If I die young

Life teaches you hardships so you can learn to overcome them.
Life throws you in the deep end to find out how good you can swim.
Life shows you how strong you are when being strong is the only choice you've got.

All if this is proven to be ironically accurate for Kensi and Deeks right now.

Here she was, lying in a cold white hospital bed, duped up on meds, trying to get her body to work with her in getting out the baby inside of her belly. The baby that, no matter how much she wants it, won't come out alive.

They had given her the first pill to induce labor about two hours ago and nothing was happening yet. Lying in this bed, thinking about all the different ways their lives could have turned out made her anxious "I need to get out of here" she breathed.

Deeks tore his eyes away from the show he was absentmindedly watching. Well, he hadn't actually been watching anything other than moving images for the better part of the past two hours, trying to keep his mind from going places he wasn't sure he could come back from. "I'm not sure they'll let you go babe"

She chuckles sarcastically, off course he would think she meant get out of the hospital. "I meant out of this bed genius" she barks a little more venomous than she intended. The minute she sees his eyes cloud over in pain she feels guilty.

Before she gets to correct the mistake and say she's sorry he's already halfway towards the door "I'll see what I can do" he whispers, before disappearing into the hallway, head hung low.

Letting out a strangled breath she internally berates herself for being so harsh. She doesn't know how she's supposed to deal with this, what she's supposed to feel, or what is expected of her. But, she needs to realize, neither does Deeks.

He comes back ten minutes later, rolling in a wheelchair "They said you could get out of bed, but only in this wheelchair" he says, eyes focused on anything other than Kensi.

Are they serious right now? They expect her to get into a wheelchair and let Deeks wheel her through the hospital "Are you freaking kidding me right now? What do they think is going to happen? That I'll walk this baby to death? Oh wait, it already IS dead" she spits venomously, swinging her feet to the side of the bed.

Deeks recoils, not knowing what to do about Kensi's anger. He didn't know what he'd expect her to feel, but anger wasn't something he was prepared for. Tears, that's what he expected, lots and lots of tears. Like the ones that have been accumulating in his eyes for hours now. But, he refuses to let them fall. Not when she's the one being so strong. He wants to be mad, he wants to be able to scream, shout and just punch something but all he feels is a deep soulful sadness that is threatening to eat him alive. "Okay" is al he says, pushing the wheelchair to the side.

He quietly holds out his hand and she accepts it hesitantly. "Thank you" she manages to choke out, all too aware of her anger outburst not a minute earlier. She knows she's going to have to try and rein it in. She's not the only one grieving.

Deeks hates that the situation reduced them to this. Him, unable to look at her, wisely keeping his mouth shut most of the time, not wanting to say anything that would set her off. Her, angered by every little thing that seems to come her way, not even recognizing herself most of the time.

Three hours, they've been in the hospital for three freaking hours and nothing is happening. She's been walking, slowly, through the halls, with Deeks by her side. Somehow he had managed to have the OBGYN sign off on not using the wheelchair and she's thankful for that. Maybe walking will help her get her body to do something, anything at this point. It feels like the universe is trying to punish her some more by keeping this baby inside her for as long as humanly possible. Like, if it stays in longer, it will magically come back to life and they'll tell her it was all just a horrible mistake. Yeah right, as if that's ever going to happen. The baby is dead, and it's going to stay dead. Why on earth won't her body cooperate in getting it out of her? She wants this baby, this thing out of her and she wants it out now.

"Do you want to go back to your room?" Deeks asks, when she decides to take a break.

She leans her arms over the banister that overlooks the entire downstairs of the hospital, quietly watching the people walking in and out. For a minute she wishes she was the little old lady she sees walking on crutches, being supported by what seemed to be her husband. That little old lady didn't have a dead baby inside of her belly that refuses to come out. That little old lady smiles at her husband with an easiness and love that makes her stomach turn. She wonders if she'll ever be able to smile that way again. If she'll ever be able to look at Deeks in a way that won't make her think of all the things she denied him by letting the baby inside of her die. A shot of pain hurls through her and she has to clutch her stomach to try and breathe through it.

Deeks watches her quietly from the side. Her face has been permanently etched in a mix of pain and anger ever since they found out the faith of their baby and for a minute he wishes he knew what she was thinking. She won't talk to him, so he has no idea on how to help her, how to be there for her. He's doing the best he can and he can only hope it's enough.

Taking Deeks' hand for comfort she feels another shot of pain course through her and somehow she knows that her mind and body finally caught up with each other. "It's time" she whispers solemnly, focusing her eyes on Deeks.

2 hours, 28 minutes and 47 seconds later there's a tiny bundle of white being held up by the OBGYN.

"Do you want to hold her?"

Kensi's eyes shoot from Deeks to the OBGYN, shaking her head vigorously "No," she said resolute. There's nothing to hold. The baby she's looking at is just a bag of bones to her. It means nothing. Her soul has already left her body and if it's up to her they can take that thing away as soon as possible "but you can if you want to" she says, pointing her head towards Deeks.

Deeks quietly nods, holding out his arms to cradle the tiniest thing he had ever seen. She's white, wrinkly and cold. She looks like a sleeping baby, but he knows she's not. There's no cry, there's no moving of limbs and her chest is staying flat, showing the harsh truth that she's not breathing "It's a girl," he whispers, not taking his eyes away from his daughter "are you sure you don't want to hold her?"

Kensi sighs "I said NO Deeks" she tries to keep the venom out of her voice, knowing it'll only hurt him. But, she wants them to take the baby, that thing out of the room right now. She wants to be alone, close her eyes and sleep. Sleep, and dream of a better world in which the little girl that she just gave birth too is alive and lying in her arms contently.

"I think you should just take her" Deeks says, picking up on Kensi's discomfort, handing the baby to the nurse. He knows they won't take the baby to the morgue just yet. He asked a little while ago. They made room for her in the room next door. Placing her in the beautiful tiny basket and blanket they picked out when they came here he carefully places a kiss on the baby's forehead.

The OBGYN takes the basket from him "What's her name?" she asks, name card in hand.

Kensi lifts her eyebrows "Does it matter? She's dead" she says.

Deeks lets out a strangled sob "Kensi" he warns. He doesn't want to get mad at her but his patience is wearing thin. She's making it seem like they're handing over a kitten to its new owner.

Sighing once again Kensi fixes her eyes on Deeks. Without having to say anything she knows they need to give the baby a name. It's mandatory after 26 weeks, and if she's being honest she knows she can't keep revering to it as 'the thing' or 'the baby that didn't make it'. She might not have gotten to know her baby outside the womb but that didn't mean she didn't love her. "Kaylee" she breathes, looking at Deeks for conformation.

The only thing he can do upon hearing her utter the name is nod solemnly. He thinks back to the conversation they had just only a week prior to this nightmare. After 3 months of bickering they had finally agreed on a name for a girl or a boy. They had early on in the pregnancy come to the conclusion that they didn't want to know the baby's sex before it was born. And now that they know it was a girl, Kaylee was the only logical name for the beautiful baby that wasn't meant to live.

"Kaylee" he whispers silently, before watching the nurses wheel the baby out of the room.

He settles himself down on the spare bed that has been set up for him before turning his attention back to Kensi "Are you okay?" he asks timidly.

"Please don't ask me that," she says brokenly, her tough exterior crumbling before his eyes "I don't know how I'm supposed to answer that. I'm not okay. OBVIOUSLY. I just lost my baby. WE just lost our baby"

Deeks swallows "right" he says, fidgeting with the ends of his blanket nervously. What is he supposed to do now? What is he supposed to say? He doesn't know what to do and it's killing him. "I don't know how to do this" he quietly admits, casting his eyes down, sighing heavily.

"I don't either Deeks," Kensi admits, rubbing her eyes tiredly "can you please just ask if I could rest a bit?"

Nodding his head in confirmation he suddenly feels his body tense when he realizes he's going to spend the night in a hospital. He hates hospitals, always has, and right now it dawns on him that he's been inside of one for over eight whole hours. He pushes the nervous anxious feeling aside, he needs to be here, he needs to stay, for Kensi.

Ten minutes later there are three nurses and an OBGYN beside her bed, prodding and forcing her to talk "Miss Blye, I need you to tell me how you're feeling" one of the nurses, Nicky, asks her.

Shaking her head she bitterly spits "I don't KNOW how I'm feeling. I'm TIRED as HELL and I NEED to sleep. Can I PLEASE just go to sleep?"

The nurse has the nerve to look a little hurt, but Kensi doesn't care. It's not like she has never been in this situation before, right? Kensi's pretty sure she's not the only woman to have delivered a stillborn baby. She can't help this little streak of hostility that keeps forcing its way to the surface.

"You can sleep now Miss Blye" one of the other nurses, Mary, says after having consulted with the rest of the team. Deeks walks the nurses back out of the room, quietly conversing but she's too tired to care what they're talking about.

She doesn't even acknowledge Deeks when he comes back into the room whispering a quiet 'goodnight Kens'. She just turns her head, pulls the covers over her a little more and finally closes her eyes. Maybe, just maybe, when she wakes up tomorrow the world will be a little less painful.
Somehow she doubts it.

A/N I don't have much to add right now. I just want to point out that everyone grieves differently and not everyone is going to be able to find themselves in the way Kensi (or maybe even Deeks) handles certain things. I just need you guys to realize there's no guideline for grief. There's no right or wrong way to deal with loss. You do it the way you see fit, the only way you know you'll get one foot in front of the other, seeing another morning.

It might not look that way now but I promise this story is far from over and there are going to be good times ahead for our beloved couple. Just because they lost their baby doesn't mean their whole life is over. It might just feel this way for both of them right now, and that's okay. But it's always darkest before the dawn & there's ALWAYS sunshine after the rain. Remember that going forward.

I would love for you guys to review this chapter, it means a lot to me to hear your thoughts.

Till next time

XoXo