You know it's Sunday when there's another chapter of LOF waiting for you. Thanks again for all of the lovely Pm's, follows, favorites and replies. I'm blown away by the beautiful words you put my way. Okay, let's get into it. This one was a little let tissue heavy, but still hard to write.

Grief is like the ocean
It comes on waves ebbing and flowing
Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming
All we can do is learn to swim
- Vicki Harrison

Their life actually feels like a roller coaster most days. She can feel perfectly normal, okay, one minute, but the next minute the memories hit her like a tidal wave and her whole world comes crashing down around her again. Deeks doesn't know how to help her. He pleads her to talk, to tell him how she feels. She would if she could. But she doesn't know how she feels. She doesn't actually think she feels anything, she's numb. Most days she has the utmost difficulty simply getting out of bed, opening her eyes, and putting one foot in front of the other. Deeks has retreated into himself, a shell from the bubbly fun person she knows he is deep inside, and she hates that she's the reason. She did this to them, she's the one who didn't have a body that was able to keep a baby alive.

The doctors in the hospital did an autopsy on Kaylee and they concluded there was nothing wrong with her physically. Her organs were strong, her bones whole. By all means Kaylee would have become a healthy baby, if Kensi would only have managed to keep her alive inside a little longer. She feels deep down like everything is her fault, she was supposed to be the biggest protector of that little live growing inside of her and she failed to do that, she failed Kaylee.
Deeks keeps telling her that he doesn't blame her, that there's nothing they could have done that would've guaranteed a different outcome. She wants to scream, shout and even slap him. She wants to yell that it's all her fault that she failed their baby and he should just leave and find a woman who is capable of giving him what he wants. Instead, she stays quiet. Feeling like there's no fight left in her. She just silently nods, let his arms envelope her, his warmth and love the only reason she hasn't completely given up.

After a couple weeks Deeks tells her he wants to go back to work. She knows it's not because they really need him back; that they can't handle things without them, it's that he needs to be back. Sitting at home, thinking about what could've been, is breaking his heart. Watching her becoming a shell of the strong woman he fell in love with nearly kills him. He pleads with her to fight, for them, for herself, for anything really. Somehow she can't seem to find the strength within her to do so. It's not that she doesn't want to fight, she just doesn't know how. But, that doesn't mean she doesn't want Deeks to fight, she needs him to fight, it's the only thing that's keeping her sane. It's the only way she knows she'll might be able to come out of this alive. She wants him to put the pieces back together, to get back on track. He deserves as much. She simply wishes she knew how to do that. How to move on from this. Right now, she's not sure she'll ever be able to.

She has her first real panic attack a month later. She can actually see the walls closing in on her, her breath becomes labored, things become blurry pretty quickly and before she knows it things go black. She regains consciousness a little while later, shaking and covered in sweat. Just when she thinks the worst is behind her she actually hears a baby cry from the back of the house. Her feet carry her to the nursery in an instant and her hand is already on the doorknob when she realizes there is no baby behind it. That the scream she heard just now wasn't real. She pulls her hand from the knob like it just burned her and she quickly takes two steps back, putting a hand over her raging heart "What the hell are you doing Kensi" she quietly mutters to herself. She glances back to the door, wondering what she would find behind it. She hadn't been inside of it ever since they came home without Kaylee, but she had seen Deeks walk in and out of it a couple times over the past month. Before she can talk herself out of it she takes the two determined steps to the door, takes a deep breath and opens it. She claps a hand in front of her mouth and silent tears run over her face upon the sight. The room is exactly how they had set it up; all the way down to the big teddy bear her mother had bought them just before everything went to hell. She wants to cross the threshold, but somehow her feet are rooted in place. Quietly closing the door behind her, she leans against it and tries to regain composure. She's going to have to talk to Deeks about it, it's not like they can keep it like that forever. That would be morbid. Shaking her head she knows that she needs to get out of the house before she really does go insane.

Deeks has been on desk duty ever since he came back to work. Hetty had told him, in her 'you-can-disagree-but-it-won't-change-anything' voice, that they don't trust him out in the field yet. He had simply tuned out the rest of the conversation but picked up on something about him being too emotionally scarred. Too emotionally scarred, what does that even mean?

Are they planning on having him do paperwork for the rest of his career? Because if so he'll rather find another job. Why can't they understand that he is going to recover from this a lot faster if they'll just let him out, into the field, doing what he does best?

Today's a quiet day with not a lot of paperwork so he's been playing backgammon on his computer for about an hour when he hears silent gasps coming from the people with him in the bullpen.
He quickly turns to the source and his eyes grow large when he sees Kensi walking towards him. He pulls himself up quickly and is beside her in an instant. "What are you doing here?" he asks, trying to hide the irritation in his voice. She's only had a baby a month ago; she's not supposed to be here yet. She promised she wouldn't be back until she was ready and she most definitely isn't ready. Sometimes he wonders if she'll ever be again. If they ever will be again.

"I wanted to see if you could use some help," she breathes out evenly "I was literally going stir crazy at home"
Kensi wonders if she should tell him what happened today, but she quickly decides against it. She doesn't want Deeks worrying about her. He needs to focus on himself, that's what's most important to her now. Making Deeks whole.

"What's wrong?" Deeks asks immediately. He knows her well enough to know there's something wrong. She looks different, more restless than most days. He would even go as far as to say that she's looking pained. Something he hasn't seen much from her in the past.

She should have known that he would figure out something was bothering her. He always prides himself on knowing her better than he knows his last name. And he's not wrong.
"I think you should break down the baby stuff"

"What? Why?"

"There is no baby, therefore there's no need for a nursery" she tells him matter-of-factly wringing her hands together for support. She doesn't want to fight about this. Not here. Not now. Not ever. She just wants to forget this ever happened, move on. But, how can she ever try to do that when there's still a complete nursery in their house? When everything in their house reminds her of the life she wasn't destined to live.

Deeks sighs deeply "It's only been a month Kens," he swallows "one freaking month". He doesn't understand how she can be so businesslike about this. How she can just set aside all of her emotions and be rational in a time like this. Nothing about this situation is rational; nothing about it is fine, nothing about it is normal.

"Don't you think I know that?" Kensi suddenly shouts, surprised by the anger bubbling up inside of her.

Deeks closes his eyes briefly, taking a couple short breathes to keep himself calm "Kens, I just think now is not the time to do this. ANY of this. It's not the time to remove Kaylee from our lives, it's certainly not the time to break down the nursery and it's most definitely not the time to talk about this here"

Kensi sighs exasperated "I need you to take it away. Break it down, sell it, move it to my mom's place, I don't care. Just get it out of the house. I'm tired of walking by her room every single day, feeling like the biggest failure in the world. Our house is supposed to feel safe. Like a home. I don't want it to be about her anymore"

"Kaylee," Deeks whispers "you can't even say her name"

She's about to respond venomously when she hears two very familiar voices come towards the bullpen. They're talking about what appears to be their latest case and she plasters the biggest fake smile on her face she can muster. No reason for Sam and Callen to be on the receiving end of the anger that bubbled during her conversation with Deeks just now "Hi Guys" she says fake cheerfully.

Both Sam and Callen stop in their tracks, looking from Kensi to Deeks, to each other and then back to her. "Do you need permission to give me a hug or something?" she smiles sarcastically and she sees a flicker of something cross Callen's features but it's gone before she can begin to decipher it . She sees Sam share another look with Deeks who simply nods at them stiffly. Apparently they do need permission, because it's not until after the nod that both Callen and Sam envelope her in a big hug.

"Kensi. What are you-"Sam cuts himself of, unsure of how to proceed. She can actually see the wheels turning in his head before he continues "you look-"he sighs, clearly frustrated that he doesn't really know what to say "It's good to see you" he eventually says. Callen simply nods and envelops her in another tight hug "really good," he breathes "I'm sorry Kens. So sorry"
If she didn't know any better she would've thought she heard him sniffle just now. She looks over his shoulder to Sam who also very discretely tries to wipe away some tears
"Geez Guys, get yourselves together" she tries to joke, trying to make light of the situation. She can hear Deeks gasp behind her and she doesn't have to turn around to imagine the state of utter shock that's etched on his face right now. "I think you should go" she suddenly hears him say and this time she does turn around to fix him with a stern look of her own.

"You do not decided if should stay or go" she spits out venomously. Feeling every bone in her body react.

Callen places a hand on her shoulder "I think what Deeks means is-"
She cuts him off by swatting his hand away "I know exactly what Deeks means thank you very much". If she was of clear mind she would have thought twice before snapping at Callen like that but she's not. She doesn't know where all this anger keeps coming from and she really doesn't know how to stop it.

"Kensi" Sam suddenly chimes in, emotionally eyes fixed on her. "No. No. No," she breathes out "not you too"

Right now looking at the three men around her with clear emotion etched on their faces she wishes she was just able to feel something other than anger. The things she would do if she would just be able to cry. But, there are no tears, there haven't been any ever since they truly said goodbye to their baby. There has only been sheer hot anger that comes bubbling up at the most inopportune times and with the people who least deserve it. She knows that's she directing the anger to the wrong people but, apparently knowing something is happening doesn't always mean you can prevent it. "I'm sorry;" she eventually says when she feels the anger disappear a little "I SHOULD go". Kensi smiles sadly at both Callen and Sam before turning her attention back to Deeks "I'm sorry," she repeats, kissing him on the cheek lightly "I'll see you at home"

A/N Okay, here's the thing. I know some of you won't like the way Kensi is dealing with this loss. That's okay, you don't have to agree with the way someone grieves, we just need to respect it, right?

I will try to explain what my (and Kensi's) frame of mind was while writing this chapter.
Elisabeth Kubler –Ross says there are 5 stages of grief. Denial – anger- bargaining- depression and acceptance. I'm pretty sure we can all agree that Kensi is stuck in her anger stage right now. She's still not ready to face the loss head on, and so she hides behind her anger and lashes out at the people closest to her. She just lost the second most precious thing in her life and she feels like it's all her fault. So she's mad, mad at Deeks for getting her pregnant (I'm not saying it's rational I'm saying it's what she's feeling right now), mad at herself for not being able to keep Kaylee alive but most of all she's mad at the world for letting this happen in the first place.

This stage will not last forever. But, I just want you guys to understand that there might be five stages of grief but grieving is a personal process that has no time limit, nor is there a 'right' or 'wrong' way to do it.

And for the people wondering about Deeks, you can expect him dealing with his grief a little more heavily in the next chapter. Next chapter will also have a conversation between Kensi and her mother that's LONG overdue. I promise you'll get to see how the loss will affect everyone but I don't want to rush it. I really want to do this story line justice because it's just so extremely personal for me. Right now it has just been easier for me to get into Kensi's head because I can relate to her on such a personal level with this, but that doesn't mean I forgot about the other characters.
Last thing I want you guys to know is that I'm not going to drag out this whole grieving story line. Like I said, I just want to do it justice and I need to find a 'right' way (or what feels like a right way for me anyway) to weave this into the future of the story.

Don't forget to review, I love hearing from you guys.

Until next time!