Thank you all for the amazing reviews, follows and favorites this story is still getting. It's really nice to know this story is appreciated and well read. To the one person who asked me if I could please stop writing the dialogue in Italic there's just one thing I want to say about that. I understand where you are coming from and I can also understand that for some people it might not read that easy. But, I chose to write the story this way for a reason, and I am not going to change the layout of the story midway through because I feel like that would just be weird. I AM keeping it in my thoughts though and maybe I'll be crazy enough one day to change it all. But not now, not midway through, not while the story isn't finished yet. So, if it really bothers you that much I'm really sorry but I hope you can understand my reasoning and can read through it.

Without any more hoopla here's chapter 11 for you all. Enjoy!

Sometimes, you just can't tell anybody how you really feel
Not because you don't know why. Not because you don't know your purpose. Not because you don't trust them. Or love them. But because you can't find the right words to make them understand

- Unknown

Julia Blye had last seen her daughter exactly three months ago, the day she gained and lost a grandchild.
She can still remember how ecstatic she had felt when they told her she was going to be a grandmother. Julia had always known that Kensi and Deeks were meant for each other and eventually would create their own little family. Julia and Kensi had never been that close, not after everything that happened with Kensi's father all those years ago but they had stricken up an easy friendship in the last few years and for that she was thankful. That was why it had hurt so badly when Kensi had shut her out completely after Kaylee died. Kaylee Deeks-Blye would have been her first grandchild and she felt the loss right down to her bones. She wanted to be able to be there for Kensi, to work through this horrible experience together, but instead her daughter had once again completely shut her out of her life.
This time Julia wasn't planning on giving up that easily though, still feeling the pain of the scars that last time left her with. So, she had tried, relentlessly. She called, she texted, wrote letters. She even tried visiting, but Kensi had just shut the door in her face the moment she saw her telling her "now isn't the time". After months and months of trying to get through to her daughter it was Deeks who told her it might just be wise to give her the time and space she apparently craved so much. He had told her that it wasn't just with her, that Kensi had been shutting everyone out, including him. The therapist he talked to about it had told him that they needed to adjust to Kensi's pace and let her grief in her own way. That she'd come to them when she was ready. And that's exactly what happened. Three months after that terrible faithful day Julia gets a call from Kensi asking if she wants to come by for Coffee.

It's been months since Kensi actually talked to her mother. Not for lack of trying on Julia's part, but more on lack of acceptance from Kensi's part. The first few weeks after it happened she didn't want anyone around her, even reducing Deeks into the spare bedroom. After a month she finally allowed Deeks back into their room but still didn't want to talk about anything, with anyone. Everyone had wanted to be there for her but she just closed herself off and tried to forget it ever happened. Nell and Eric, Sam and Callen and even Hetty had tried multiple times to get her to open up and talk but she shot them down, one by one, time and time again. Deep down she hoped that the longer she did it the sooner people would get the picture and just stop trying. Her mother had been the worst of the bunch though, calling Kensi every single day, asking her how she was. There were days when she simply didn't bother turning her phone on to avoid the inevitable call, but at the end of those days she'd always end up fighting with Deeks. He would emphasize that he needed to be able to reach her, and he was right. And, it was not like calling was the only way Julia had tried to contact her, she had tried every single trick in the book to get her to talk, until one day she had simply stopped trying. Weeks passed without a single word from her mother and at first it had been really nice, the quietness, the nothingness, but as the weeks passed and turned into months she realized exactly just how much she missed her mother. So, one day she simply called her and asked her over for Coffee.

It's three in the afternoon when Julia finally arrives at Kensi and Deeks' place. Kensi had been busy the past few hours, occupying her mind with the simplest things. Deeks had asked if he needed to stay home today, for extra moral support and as much as she loved him for it she knew this was something she needed to do alone. She also knew that she couldn't say what was on her mind with Deeks hovering around her all the time. She knew he meant well, that he only did it out of love, but lord that man could drive her crazy sometimes.

The knock on the door startles Kensi from her latest endeavor, cleaning the kitchen counter, and she quickly wipes it down before walking to the front door slowly. Julia simply envelopes her in the biggest and strongest hug she had in ages and she struggles to breathe for a minute. "Hi mom," Kensi smiles, opening the door a little further "come in".

Her mother smiles so bright "I was so glad you called, Kensi" she whispers, sighing knowingly.

The relief on her mother's face and the worry lines around her eyes are enough to make her almost double over in regret. "I'm sorry mom". She should have asked her to come over much sooner, realizing that this period hadn't been easy on her mother either.

"Don't be. How are you doing honey?" Julia says reassuringly. There's no need for apologies, she's just glad Kensi finally picked up the phone and called.

Kensi smiles ruefully, silently thanking her mother for not making a big deal out of her retreatment. "I'm managing. It's still hard most days but it gets easier"

"You're getting help?" Julia hopes this question doesn't put Kensi back in her shell. She knows her daughter, she knows she doesn't like accepting help but she also knows that this time is different; this whole situation is something they all have no experience with.

"Deeks has me seeing his therapist and it's actually quite good for me," she chuckles lightly "which I know sounds ironic from the girl who once said that therapy was for the week minded"
She thinks back on the huge fight that went before her finally agreeing to see a therapist. Deeks had been hounding her for weeks about needing help. Kensi knew she was getting worse, actually shutting out everything and everyone around her but there was a part of her that liked it that way. She had found a rock she could crawl under when things overwhelmed her and it was getting quite comfortable down there. It wasn't until Deeks had tearfully told her that he loved her but didn't know he could keep doing this that her eyes slowly opened. She lost Kaylee and there was no way she was going to lose Deeks in the process.

Julia nodded. She knew how stubborn her daughter could be and was glad that she found a way to accept the help provided for her "There's nothing wrong with therapy, if it's helping you"

Kensi mulls over that statement for a minute. The first two sessions she only cried, for an hour on end, unable to speak. She didn't know how she did it, but Angela had managed to crack open the wall that Kensi had build up around her emotions and she had cried, cried, and cried some more. She had apologized profusely for being such a sobbing mess but Angela had simply told her that it was okay. That it was actually a good thing she was able to cry. It had meant that Kensi was open to find a way back from this and that was all they needed to get started."I truly think it is"

"Then I'm happy for you Kens" her mother said truthfully.

Kensi smiled "Thanks mom," she said, handing her mother a glass of wine. She had invited her mother over for coffee but found she needed something stronger to be able to get through this conversation. As much as she was on her way to healing she still wasn't the Kensi people used to know and sometimes memories still hit her light a freight train, she found that alcohol helped her relax. "Mom?" she asked after a minute.

"Yes, sweetheart" Julia said, taking a sip from her wine.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Anything honey, anything"

Kensi sighed, looking for the courage to ask what she desperately wanted to ask.
"Are you disappointed in me?" she asked timidly.

"What," Julia screeched, surprised by the question "why would I be disappointed in you?"

"I keep forgetting that I'm not in this alone, that I'm not the only one hurting. You where denied a grandchild and that must hurt" Kensi admitted, voicing her thoughts. The last couple weeks she had spend more time on trying to place herself in other people's shoes. Her therapist, Angela, had told her that she needed to step out of her comfort zone and try to put herself in the mindset of others. And as much as it had hurt, she had realized she wasn't the only one affected by this and she needed other people in on her grief.

"I won't deny it didn't hurt, losing Kaylee, and feeling like I lost you all over again, but I do understand," Julia says, eyes fixing on Kensi, the unshed tears evident in them. She swallows, trying to keep the tears at bay "everyone grieves in their own way and I'm not one to judge that" she finishes, hugging Kensi once more

"Thank you" Kensi breathes, wrapping her arms around her mother tightly. She had missed this.

Julia drops a kiss to her daughter's hair "You know Kensi; I think you needed this time to come back into yourself again," she explains "you and Deeks have gone through a huge ordeal and I can't imagine how that feels for both of you. And yes, you two might not have been the only two affected by this but you two were the ones who it affected the most"

Kensi knows her mother is right; they needed to do this together. But has she really allowed Deeks to grief with her? She shamefully has to admit that she spent more time on her own grief than on talking about it with Deeks, something she figures must have hurt for him too. As if her mother can read her mind she asks "How are you and Deeks?"

"We're dealing. Deeks has been so patient with me. If there's one thing this experience-," she says, unsure as of how much she wants to share with her mother "Kaylee, has showed me," she takes a deep breath, feeling her own tears bubble to the surface again. Apparently saying her name is still a huge trigger "is that that man loves me with everything he's got"

"I always knew he did, Kensi"

"I knew he loved me yes, but I never knew how deep his love ran until this happened. Every other man would have thought twice about staying. I put him through a lot mom and he took it all in stride"
That's not completely true off course. They fought, a lot, but always managed to come out stronger for it. Deeks knew how to push her and she knew when it was time to accept. But, never once, had either of them walked out during a fight, not without letting the other know where they were going and promising the other to come back, and for that she would forever be grateful.

Julia smiles. Hearing her daughter talk about her relationship with Deeks in such a loving and positive healthy manner sets her mind at ease a little more. They are going to get through this, as long as they stick together "If you love someone you take the good with the bad"

"But there was a lot of bad mom. Like a lot, lot" Kensi had to hold back a sniffle, really not wanting to show her emotion in front of her mother. She knew it didn't make any sense, but she still felt uncomfortable showing her emotions in front of other people. The only exception being her therapist. Somehow she felt like that was the only person who wouldn't judge her for it. It was unreasonable, she understood that, but her mind hadn't quite caught up to that.

"I know" her mother said knowingly. Casting her eyes down for a second, making Kensi think there was more to the story than just those two simple words. "You do?" she asked.

Julia didn't really know how to respond. She hated keeping secrets from her daughter but she also didn't want to cause any trouble for Deeks. "He told me" she finally admits.

"You talked to Deeks?" Kensi asks surprised. Whipping her head around, her sadness making way for anger.

"He's been coming by every week, just to talk"

"Every week," Kensi can't believe what she's hearing. Deeks had been visiting her mother every week and she didn't know about that? How could she not have known? Why hadn't he told her? "He never told me"

"He's been doing that ever since that first night you asked him to sleep in the guest room"

Kensi gasped, clasping her hands in front of her mouth. "You know about that?" she half shouts, standing up suddenly. She can't believe he told her that. That was something that was private, which was supposed to stay between them.

"Are you mad?" Julia asks, clearly afraid she'd said too much. Kensi thinks about it, "Yes," she breathed out. But is she really? Isn't Deeks allowed to talk about things, to deal with his grief the way he needs "no," she sighs "I don't know," breathing in deeply, she wills away the anger she feels. She doesn't feel like she has the right to be angry "not really I guess"

"You weren't talking to anyone Kensi, and Deeks needed someone. He thought I was his best option, since I'm your mother. I know you"

"There's just one thing I don't understand," Kensi said. "Deeks isn't really the talking type. He's already seeing a therapist. Why would he feel the need to talk about this with you too?" It's hard imagining Deeks wanting to talk at all. For years they both had trouble expressing their thoughts and feelings and she just can't comprehend that he would feel comfortable enough to talk about this with her mother. He had enough trouble opening up in therapy.

"Because talking about it is the only way he knows how to deal with it," Julia explains, taking her daughter's hands in her own "You internalized, wanted it to go away quickly, pretend it never happened. Life doesn't work that way Kens, Deeks understood that. Deeks knew that in order for him to heal and make peace with what happened he needed to talk about it and not just professionally. He needed to talk about it with the people affected by it"

That's the final straw that breaks the camel's back and suddenly she can't stop the tears from falling "I'm sorry I couldn't do that" she hiccups, surprised by the amount of tears that stream down her face.

Julia shakes her head, placing a hand on Kensi's cheek wiping away some of the tears "It's not a reprimand Kensi; I don't blame you for shutting me out. You needed to do it this way, Deeks needed another way"

"It gets easier talking about her though," Kensi smiles sadly through her tears "Kaylee"

"She would have been the most beautiful baby girl everyone had ever seen," Julia says, letting her own tears fall freely now. She wanted to be strong for Kensi but it feels good to cry, to let it all out. "Did you see those amazing black curls she already had? She was born a goddess"

"And now she's with dad. I asked him to take care of her you know" Kensi looks up briefly, silently praying her father heard her prayers and is taking good care of Kaylee up there.

Julia smiles ruefully "He will. I still remember right after your father died how much I talked to him," she breathes "I still do actually. There's a part of your father with me every single day and that will never change. His death left scars and they still burn every once in a while. They itch to remind me of what I lost, but also of what I gained."

"I know it might not look like it right now, but you need to find positive in this Kensi. For me it was the absolute startling realization that I was stronger than I ever imagined I could be. You need to find the one thing that you gained from this and hold on to that."

"Why?" Kensi asked. She didn't really know there was something other than pain that she had gained from all of this and that was absolutely not something she wanted to hold on to.

"Because once you find something positive in this horrible heartbreaking situation and latch onto it, that's when you can truly start healing"

They talk amicably for another hour about everything. Every once in a while they bring up something that will trigger another emotional outbreak but they both agree to deal with it the way it comes. They don't want to push away anything anymore, they need to give all their emotions their space and that's what they do. They cry, a lot, but they also burst out into a fit of giggles over the simplest things and it feels nice. It feels normal. Something Kensi has been craving for the longest time. So, when Julia says goodbye right after Deeks comes home she gives her a big hug and kiss on the cheek soundly "Thanks for this mom" she says truthfully before shutting the door.

"Things went okay today?" Deeks asks, turning his attention to Kensi who watches her mother back out of the driveway. He wraps his arms around her from behind and nuzzles his chin in between her shoulder blades. "They did" she answers honestly. Today can be qualified as an 'okay' day.

"I want to come back to work," Kensi said, looking straight at Hetty and Granger. She's standing in the bullpen surrounded by both her bosses. "It's time to move on" she said. Kensi truly wanted to come back to work; this wasn't a spur of the moment decision. This was something she talked with Deeks about in lengths and as much as he hadn't agreed with her at first, she had managed to talk him into agreeing. Hetty shared a meaningful look with Granger and he left with a simple pat on Kensi's shoulder and weary smile.

"Kensi, there's no such thing as 'moving on'," Hetty said, voice soft and slightly hesitant. Not something you'd expect from the great Henrietta Lang, Kensi thought. "You can't simply move on from this, nor do you need to want to." Hetty sighed and her voice became surer with every syllable she uttered "You simply try to move forward with the scars and experience this gave you. Move forward in life with Kaylee in your heart. She'll be with you for the rest of your life and that's okay. Cherish that. Cherish her. Don't sell her short by removing her from the equation. You're a mother Kensi; you just don't have your child physically present with you anymore. That doesn't make you any less of a parent. You are now and forever will be, Kaylee's mother"

"I know Hetty" Kensi said, not really wanting to get into Kaylee at the moment. This was work; this needed to be about work, not about anything else.

"Do you really Kensi? Because I need to be honest with you," Hetty said "I don't think you're ready to get back to work"

"Truth is," Kensi sighed exasperated; she knew this was not going to be easy. She still remembered the last huge fight she had been in with Deeks over this. She got him to see her point, now it was Hetty's turn "I don't know if I'll ever be completely ready but I need to get back to work Hetty," she said "please"

She could see the wheels turning in her head "What does Deeks say about this?" she reluctantly asked. Hetty didn't want to step on anybody's turf or stir up trouble for the couple, but she feels she just got Deeks back on solid ground and having Kensi back could potentially be the best, or the worst thing, for both of them.

Kensi smiled "He was okay with it," she said "eventually"

"I would be more inclined to say yes if you agree to a temporary desk duty assignment"

"Deal" Kensi said without missing a beat. Anything was better than sitting at home doing nothing.

"Then I guess a welcome back is in order Ms. Blye"

"Thank you Hetty," she said smiling, wrapping her arms around Hetty quickly "truly"

She turned around quickly to eagerly share the news with the rest of the team but before she could walk away she heard Hetty call her name once more "Kensi. There's just one thing I want you to keep in mind" she said, fixing her eyes on Kensi's "I want you to know. No I need you to know you can always talk to me about anything. If tomorrow you think this is still too much, or next week, or next month, just tell me and we'll figure something out. I might be your boss but I'm also a friend" she continued "I know we don't always see eye to eye but that doesn't mean I don't care about you. You are all like family to me and if there's anything I can do, please don't hesitate to let me know"

"Thanks" Kensi says, lips quirking up into a timid smile.

She walks around OSP for a second, taking in her surroundings. This is what she had missed for the past six months. She was going stir crazy at home and she knows that coming back to work is the best thing for all of them. Kensi knows she's good in what she does and they've been working with less than 100 % of the team for too long to be considered productive. Yes, she's ready. As ready as she'll ever be anyway and she's really happy Hetty gave her the opportunity to come back.

"I guess we're complete again" Deeks says, the minute she walks through the doors of OSP and he lays eyes on her from the other end of the room. Callen and Sam nod knowingly, silently giving their okay. Eric simply stares at her, unable to say anything and Nell just runs up to her and hugs her so tight you would think they haven't seen each other in ages. Come to think of it, it has been ages. She pushes away the guilt that bubbles up inside her when she's been enveloped in a group hug by her 'family' because for the first time in a long time Kensi feels like she can actually start moving forward.

A/N I know I said that this chapter would focus more heavily on Deeks' grief but I thought the conversation between Kensi and her mother was long overdue, and I knew I wanted Kensi to have a talk with Hetty about going back to work as well. I contemplated putting the fight she had with Deeks about it in this chapter but I felt it was heavy enough without it and it didn't actually felt right to fit here. These two conversations in this chapter are going to be a catalyst for Kensi to finally open up to Deeks and in return we'll get to dive a little deeper into the way Deeks has been grieving (you got a snippet from it through Kensi's conversation with her mother) and how they've been dealing with things as a couple.

See you all next week?