Here's the chapter some of you have been waiting (and begging me) for. This chapter centers around Deeks. It gives you a glimpse into his mind and I hope I did him justice. I just want you guys to keep in mind that I'm a woman (yes, shocking I know) and it's hard to get into the mindset of the man in a situation like this since I can only go with my own personal experience I have with the subject. Then again, I did have a partner I could rely on just as much as Kensi can rely on Deeks and I tried to portrait some of that into the story.
Enjoy!

Think not so much of 'moving on' but of 'moving forward'.
And as you move forward, you always do so with your loved one by your side, in your heart,
within your every breath.
They are part of you now and always.
You move forward with them and continue to engage in life because of their inspiration

Ashley Davis Bush

Life hasn't been easy for Marty Deeks these past few months. The loss of Kaylee broke him in more ways than one, and to top it all of Kensi had completely shut him out.
The past few months he had felt the loneliest he had felt in a long time and he wonders how much more it's going to take for him to break. He had taken her shutting him out in stride, not putting up a fight when she ordered him into the spare bedroom only three weeks after it happened. If space is what she needed then space is what Deeks was going to give her.
He had heard of couples breaking up over smaller things then what they've been through but he wasn't about to let that happen to them. He loved her too much to simply give up. No, he was going to fight, and if need be, he would fight for the both of them. Just as long as there was fight left in him, he'd be standing, sword in hand, ready for combat.
That didn't mean he didn't have moments where he was more than willing to throw down the gauntlet and simply walk away. Thankfully, those moments came few and far between and it was in those moments that he turned to an unexpected source for comfort, solace and guidance. Julia Blye. He knows it sounds ludicrous to go to your partner's estranged mother for advice but Deeks knew Julia was the only one who could truly help him. Out of all the people he knew she was the only one who had dealt with grief in a similar way. Donald Blye died, albeit much much later in life, in the same way Kaylee had, completely unexpected. Leaving them with an emptiness that can never be explained to someone who hadn't felt it.
Julia, for him, was the only one who knew what that soul crushing feeling actually felt like and had found a way to deal with it, still standing strong after more than a decade without the love of her life.

Deep down Deeks knew that keeping this from Kensi wasn't his smartest move but it wasn't like they were talking much these days. Their days consisted out of work, coming home, eating, meaningless chitchat and endless movies or nonsense TV shows before each retreating to their own rooms.
Kensi hadn't uttered Kaylee's name once as he could recall and every time he brought her up he was shut down without as much as a recognition of what happened. He had given up trying to talk about Kaylee with Kensi and had relented to the fact that he was to adapt to her terms a long time ago. That he was to wait for her to be ready to talk. So, when he comes home one night, after a long hard day at work, with Kensi sitting at the table with what looks like a home cooked meal, he knows that time has finally come.

He expects them to fight, for there to be some harsh words, slamming of doors and maybe even some walking away. Mainly because that's what they've been doing for the past 93 days, 9 hours and 47 minutes. Not that he's counting. He's honestly not. Deeks can't help it that his brain just etched that horrible moment into his memory without any effort and he certainly can't help the fact that he can still recall exactly how he felt and what he did, that faithful day.

He wasn't expecting this time to be any different. He prepares for battle, arming himself for pain as he waits for her to make the first move. He silently locks eyes with her and he sees the reluctance and weariness reflected in them. There's so many things he wants to do, so much he wants to say, but he knows now is not the time. This is going to be their breaking point. He has waited months for this confrontation and now that it's finally here he's not sure he's ready. He's not sure he can do this, or even wants to do this.

"I'm sorry" she says quietly. Apparently, neither is Kensi.

Deeks sighs "It's okay," he says, taking her hand and squeezing it lightly "we don't have to do this now"

"No," Kensi replies, eyes darting away from him "you don't understand"
She locks eyes with him moments later and the weariness and reluctance he saw moments earlier have made way for perseverance and clarity "I'm sorry" she draws out again, every syllable uttered in such a profound way that it's hard to miss the underlying message.

"It's okay" Deeks says again, downplaying the situation. It's not like he hasn't dreamed of hearing those exact words come out of her mouth, it's that he knows there isn't anything to be sorry about "we all deal with things in our own ways".

He settles himself down at the dining room table and watches Kensi do the same. She folds her arms on top of each other, swallowing nervously. They both feel the shift in the air. It's either fight or flee, talk or walk. He can see that part of her wants to flee, walk away, but the bigger part seems to win out.

For the first time in forever they talk, really talk. Quietly, calm, and collected, laying their souls bare to one another. Like they should've done from the beginning.

"My way wasn't the healthiest," Kensi explains "I can see that now"

"It's what you needed to get through the day"

"But I never once thought about how it all affected you. We both lost her Deeks" Kensi whispers sadly and Deeks sighs. Apparently she still isn't able to say Kaylee's name and it hurts him more than he's willing to admit. "We both lost Kaylee" she repeats quietly.

The moment her name leaves her lips, his breath hitches and their eyes lock. He can see the silent tears swarming around in them, threatening to fall at any moment. It's the most vulnerable Deeks had seen her in a long time, and it breaks his heart.

"We did" is all he manages to say, chocking back his own tears. Honestly, he doesn't know what else to say. He doesn't want to break her, push too far. She's slowly opening up to him and he will take however much she's willing to give him.

"I'm sorry" Kensi smiles sadly. She knows it's not much, she knows she owes him more. But it's all she can give him right now.

"Kens," Deeks breathes, taking both of their hands and lacing them together, he orders her to look at him "stop saying you're sorry"

"But I am"

"Kens, no" he sighs, trying to find the right words to explain what he means "Did it hurt when you shut me out? Yes. Did I wonder if you were ever going to let me back in? Yes. Have I doubted your love for me? Not for a single second," He gives her a timid smile, and he squeezes her hand once more in reassurance "There's absolutely nothing to be sorry about"

"I shut you out"

"You felt like you needed to do this alone" Deeks retorts. There's no point in rehashing this, he wants to move forward.

"I kicked you out of our bedroom" Kensi mumbles, clearly trying her hardest to keep it together.

It hurts him knowing that she's still not comfortable enough to let her emotions go "You needed space and quite frankly I would've moved to the moon if it meant you'd heal" his own resolve is breaking with every regret she lists and he wonders how much more he can take.

Kensi casts her eyes down, unable to look at him "I know"

"There's nothing I wouldn't do for you Kens. I love you. Always have, always will"

"I know," she repeats "that's what makes what I did so horrible. You would move mountains for me if you could and what do I do? I shut you out. I make it my life's greatest mission to drive you away"

And that's what breaks his walls. He can't stop the sudden influx of tears that stream down his face in rapid pace and he makes no effort to wipe them away "But I'm still here aren't I?" he chokes through his sobs.

"You are" Kensi swallows. Seeing Deeks break down in front of her kills her and she wishes she had the will to cry. She can feel the tears threatening to spill but she can't seem to let them fall.

"And I'm not going anywhere," Deeks smiles, opening his arms "We're going to get through this," her whole body melts into his and they share an intimacy they haven't in a long time "together"

Kensi looks up at him, eyes watery "We're going to be okay?" she asks. And he knows that the answer he'll give her is either going to retreat her back into her shell or open the floodgates. He realizes he's been considerate of her feelings for long enough, right now what she needs from him is honesty, and that's what he's going to give her.

"If we keep talking like this we are going to be just fine"

That's what finally breaks her. To hear him say they are going to be fine. That she didn't push him away far enough to never come back from. He's still here, he's not going anywhere. To hear those words come out of his mouth, break her emotionally. She feels like there's no point in choking back her tears, it's simply time to let go. So, she does. Kensi cries like she hasn't cried before. Her whole body wracks with sobs and she struggles breathing. She feels Deeks' hand on her back, drawing circles, soothing her. She can hear his voice in the distance, and she concentrates on the love that resonates from it. That's what eventually brings her back to reality.

He looks at her through his own tears. Her eyes are rimmed red, puffy, and her cheeks are flushed but to him she hasn't looked more beautiful than she does know. The openness, vulnerability, she gives him, is all he could've wished for.

Deeks is not one to kid himself; he knows they still have a very long road ahead of them. But, tonight they both took very important first steps to getting back to where they were and as far as he's concerned things can only go up from here.

When they lay on the couch later that night, absentmindedly watching something random on TV, his mind is working a mile a minute. He's happy they've come this far. Their talk had been more than enough progress for him and he wasn't about to push her any further. She had clung to him all evening, curling her body around him on the couch, lacing their fingers together, laying her head in the crook of his neck. It's the most intimate they've been since Kaylee died and he's grateful the walls around her are starting to tumble down. So, he's ready, prepared even, to say goodnight and retreat into the spare bedroom when the next words out of her mouth come as a mild shock "Stay with me tonight"

Deeks stiffens. "You don't have to" she quickly back paddles. Apparently she feels his reluctance.

"Kens," he says "it's not that I don't want to" He tries to organize his thoughts the best way he knows how "I don't know if you're ready" he admits quietly. His biggest fear is that they're pushing too much too fast, and they're both going to pay the price for it later on.

"I understand" Kensi says, trying to keep the disappointment from her voice. Deep down she knows he's right. It wouldn't be the smartest move to jump back into bed together but being this close to him the entire night made her realize just how much she had missed him, how much she actually needed him

"Soon," Deeks smiles, placing a soft kiss on her lips "goodnight Kens" It takes every ounce of strength he's got to close the door behind him. The biggest part of him just wants to wrap his arms around her, make love to her all night and never let her go. But it's too soon. They're not ready. And as much as she might want to, she's not ready.

"Soon" Kensi breathes, when she settles into bed. The spot next to her is still empty, his lingering smell long gone from the pillowcase. She closes her eyes, and smiles silently into the night. Tonight she learned that even after everything she did that spot next to her won't be empty forever and that's good enough for now.

It's two weeks later when neither of them seem to be able to hold back the desire of wanting to be together. Kensi feels like she's ready to burst out of her seems. The last time they where intimate was seven months ago, right before Kaylee was born. She knows for a fact that Deeks' is more than ready, and willing, to comply. She had been driving him crazy at work, brushing past him deliberately, bending over painstakingly close to him and breathing dirty things into his ears and she didn't miss the darkening of his eyes, the desire clearly evident in them.

Deeks comes home a little after nine and the moment he opens the door Kensi's intent is clear. The entire house is covered in candles and in the middle of the living room she stands in the tiniest, sluttiest, skimpiest outfit he has ever seen her in (and that's saying a lot since last year's Halloween costume was that of a slutty sailor and contained nothing more than Kensi in a Bra and mini skirt)
From the other end of the room he can smell the lavender body wash on her that she knows drives him wild. He tosses his bag into the corner of the room and before he has a chance to say anything she jumps into his arms, he stumbles back a little with the sheer force of her bodyweight tumbling them both back into the soft pillows of the couch. His jeans strain immediately, since she hasn't been the only one on a dry spell for over seven months. She giggles slightly before fusing their lips together and he complies wholeheartedly, meshing their mouths together vigorously. If Kensi Blye wants something, she gets it. And right now it's Marty Deeks she wants. Naked. On top of her. Inside of her. Around her. Everywhere.

They're cuddling together blissfully, post lovemaking, their bodies entangled in a way that you can't see where one person ends and the other begins, when Kensi drops the biggest bomb on him "Marry me"

Deeks' hand drops from her back where he had previously been drawing lazy circles "What?" he manages to choke out.

"Marry me" she repeats, her eyes sparkling mysteriously but her voice not wavering. Clearly she's joking. Right? "You're not serious"

"I am," Kensi smiles, dropping a soft kiss on his lips "marry me" she says again.

Deeks searches her eyes for any indication of this being some sort of weird joke. But, all he can seem to find is love and devotion, making him realize she's absolutely serious "No" he resolutely shakes his head. If she's going to give him an honest question, he's going to give her an honest answer.

"What?" Kensi breathes, untangling herself from him. She softly pushes herself up from the couch, wrapping the blanket around her carefully. Her eyes search his and for a split second he sees the hurt in them. Was she seriously thinking he'd accept her proposal like that? "It's too soon" he explains. Surely she knew that. Surely she knew there was the possibility of him saying no.

Kensi casts her eyes down, not wanting to look at him right now "But things are going so well" she whispers, wringing her hands together nervously.

Deeks sighs, pushing himself up from the couch, walking towards her tentatively "Exactly. Things are finally getting back to normal. Why chance all that?" he tries to explain. He reaches for her hands but she takes two steps back before he can reach them "Maybe because I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you" she challenges, her eyes boring into him, a fire inside of them he didn't know she still possessed.

"And I wouldn't want anything less," Deeks smiles sadly, feeling very uneasy "you know that"

Kensi walks past him, plopping back down on the couch with the loudest sigh "But you don't want to marry me" she breathes out painfully.

Deeks shakes his head slowly "Not right now I don't"

There you go. How is that in terms of development? Maybe some of you think I let Deeks be too easy on Kensi but with everything they've been through together I just felt like it wouldn't be essential to the story to have them fight AGAIN. I just wanted Kensi to open up to Deeks, to show the emotion she's been suppressing for so long. I want them to start to heal together. And they are.

Things have been rocky between them for a long time but better times are ahead of these two, I promise. Oh, and Yes, I do know that Kensi's parents weren't together when he died but for the purpose of this story they where.

I don't like to beg, but you would you be so kind as to leave a review? I love to hear what you guys think. It makes for more fun writing.

See you all next week.