Chapter 6 - The List
"The whole thing?" Severus asked with an amused smile.
"In its entirety. Every word." Hermione couldn't stifle a giggle.
"And why, pray tell, did this seem like a good idea?"
"Well, I was only four years old at the time, and it was the first time I had been allowed to take a book out of the library, and I so did not want to give it back, so copying it over seemed like the only prudent course of action." He continued smirking at her while she laughed at her childhood foibles, but after the last few days she knew to interpret it as a smirk of endearment, not as an insult.
Since she had succumbed to her inner Gryffendor and forced Severus to begin talking to her, they had hardly stopped talking. He had learned all about her muggle childhood, the day she found out she was a witch, her relationship with her parents, and (what surprised her most) he was most interested in the little, inconsequential details that no one had ever even bothered to ask about, not to mention to find interesting.
And so days passed, lots of tea was drunk, many stories were told, and she became more and more comfortable around this new Severus who seemed at times a completely different person than she had envisioned him to be as the swooping, black-robed, potions master she had known (and partially feared) at Hogwarts.
Much to her surprise, he had slowly started to open up about his childhood as well. She had listened with horror as she learned how his horrible father had treated both Severus and his mother. He regaled her with the stories of his exploits at school, some of which would have made even Fred and George Weasley proud. After a little time, he even began to open up about the events at Hogwarts that had led to the end of his friendship with Lily and the beginning of his association with the dark side.
However, he had yet to mention anything that happened after Voldemort returned to power back in her fourth year. She was careful not to press him, but she had so many questions that were fighting to get out. Even so, she practiced the very un-Gryffendor skill of patients, telling herself that he would open up if and when he was ready. She did note with pleasure that whenever she was otherwise occupied, he would usually gravitate towards the little leather notebook she had given him. On some occasions she would walk in on him scribbling away like his life depended on it, other time she would find him simply staring at the same page for what seemed like hours on end.
A week after the final battle at Hogwarts had occurred, they were sitting at dinner when Pigwidgeon made another one of his not-so-smooth landings in the middle of the table, almost knocking over the large pitcher of lemonade Severus had brewed for the occasion.
"This is the third one. Pretty soon Ron and Harry are going to come looking for me if we don't figure out some way to respond." Severus was silent for a few minutes, seemingly pondering how to respond to Weasley's owl. When he finally spoke it was with a look of far-off sadness in his eyes.
"If you had it to do over again, are there any parts of that night in which you would choose to change your actions?" A shocked Hermione closed her mouth as soon as she realize she was, how would Professor Snape of old describe it? Gaping like an idiot. Mouth closed, she responded honestly.
"There are many outcomes I wish I could change, but none tied directly enough to any one action that I could know which to change and how." Another long silence. Hermione studied Severus' face, trying to glean either how he had arrived at this question from Pig's sudden entrance or what he was thinking about her answer. After waiting for a response, she realized none was coming. Before she could think the better of it, she tentatively asked, "…is there something you wish you could change?"
Severus quickly stood up and wordlessly walked out of the kitchen. Uh oh. Hermione thought. Did I just plunge us back into the silent phase? She replayed the conversation in her head, but didn't think her question had crossed any major lines (he started it, after all, with his question), but yet again, he had been so unwilling to speak about recent events that she was afraid this might be two steps back for whatever fledgling relationship they were forming.
Just as she was really beginning to kick herself, he reemerged into the kitchen carrying a determined expression and his little black notebook. He stopped to the side of her and seemed to consider his choice thoroughly before he opened to a page about halfway through the now almost completed notebook. He gently placed the open book on the table in front of Hermione and began carrying the plates from the table to the sink, where he took out his wand and began charming the plates to clean themselves. After the dishes were clean and put away, he walked silently by Hermione and out into the living room.
Hands shaking with nerves, Hermione peered down at the little book in her hands. The page to which he had opened contained not paragraphs, but a bulleted list. She glanced down the page and quickly gleaned it was a list of things that happened in the last year relative to the final battle with Voldemort. Some were quite cryptic ("transportation"), while others listed only names (she noted Neville Longbottom had a place on the list, as did Ginny Weasley). She tried to make sense of it, but eventually rose out of her seat and sought explanation in the living room.
When she turned the corner to see the man sitting on the couch, she saw on Severus' face the grimmest look she had ever witnessed. It seemed as if he had so long passed the point at which a normal person would have broken down his face could no longer register any more sorrow. Before she knew what she was doing she had knelt in front of him and had both of his hands in hers. She looked imploringly up into his face and was met with a look that was either pleading or grieving, she could not tell which.
"What does that list mean?" she whispered, as if the subject was less upsetting if not spoken out loud. He gripped her hands as if the question provoked actual physical pain, yet said nothing. Wanting somehow to comfort him, yet not knowing how, she bowed her forehead down to rest on their clasped hands. She stayed there, willing her strength to him through their physical connection. After several of the longest minutes of her life, he finally spoke.
"Albus credited my actions in the war to my love for Lily. At first, he was entirely correct. I loved Lily Evans completely from the moment I set eyes on her." Why he telling me this? Hermione's insides squirmed with a very unwanted emotion, but she fought to keep her face neutral as he continued. "But then Lily Evans became Lily Potter. She made the choice of what kind of man she wanted to be with, and I clearly was not that man. Slowly, painfully, I had to accept her choice because on some level I knew I had made too many wrong choices to deserve to be her choice. I got over her romantic rejection, but when she was murdered I couldn't shake the feeling that had I been that man, the one she deserved, and had she chosen me, I would somehow have been able to protect her. That is why I vowed to protect Harry. I hoped that if I could save Harry, I would somehow redeem myself in the cosmic order of things. I wanted to see if I could be 'that man' that actually would have deserved her."
He took a deep, haunting breath before he continued. "A clean slate is, in my opinion, one of the rarest and most magical things in the world. Even with whatever role I played in keeping Harry alive last week… I had made my peace with dying to save Harry, exchanging my life for hers. This was my plan. I could never imagine my slate being wiped clean, but if I could make up for her sacrifice… It would be a noble enough way to go."
He paused long enough that Hermione felt brave enough to question, "I still don't understand." He looked lost. She desperately sought some way to bring him any measure of comfort. "Go on, Severus." She hesitated momentarily before saying his name, still uncomfortable with the informality, but hearing the way his name sounded on her tongue gave him just enough fuel to continue.
"When you found me in the boathouse, I was in the middle of living out the death I had so long expected. I had given Potter the memories that paid my debt to Lily. I was content to go peacefully into the night." He paused. She squeezed his hands, silently urging him to continue. "You, Hermione," he lingered across the word, saying it like a prayer instead of a name "altered my plans. Not only did you allow me the opportunity to live, but when I awoke holding your hand, it was the first time in a very long time I actually wanted to live."
Her heart beat in doubles hearing him say this. This was the first either of them had done anything to acknowledge their physical contact. She gripped his hands even harder, eyes imploring him to continue. "However intrigued I was by this new development, every time I looked at you I was reminded that I still am not that man. The man a girl like Lily…or a woman like yourself…chooses." Hermione's entire body raged in protest to this last statement, but something in his eyes warned her not to interrupt.
"When you gave me that book, I didn't intend to write in it as you intended. I'm not sure when I even started, but it turned out, as your muggle therapists might suggest, to be an incredibly helpful exercise. I realized that if I am ever to get…what I want…" the loaded tone in his voice spoke mountains and made her heart rate climb even higher "then I must be that man." He could tell by her expression she still didn't understand.
"The list is the things I regret. The things that I wish I could change. The things that, were they removed from my history, might turn me into the kind of man…" he took another breath as if to say more, but seemed to think the better of it. His eyes dropped to his lap and she could tell he had finished. Unable to control herself, she reached up with one hand and stroked his cheek. He leaned into the warmth of her hand, but the sadness didn't leave his eyes as they met hers.
"You are already the bravest man I know, Severus." He placed his slender fingers over the hand that had now come to rest on his cheek and closed his eyes as he spoke. "That list is to serve as my reminder that I do not deserve you…your praise." Excellent cover up, she thought ruefully before returning her attention to the matter at hand. "Severus, you have done more good in the last year than most wizards do in a lifetime. Can't that be enough to earn you my praise?" She stressed the last word to let him know his hidden meanings were not so hidden. He smiled, but she could tell he was not so easily swayed.
He felt her mood change in an instant, as if she had just figured out the answer to some complex mathematical equation and was in a hurry to test her new theory. "Are you saying that this list is the only thing keeping you from pursuing…what you want?" she asked eagerly.
"In not so many words," he replied, cautiously eyeing her to surmise what new plan had been hatched in that lovely Gryffendor brain of hers.
"Come with me," she said. And without hesitation or another word, she grabbed his hand and practically dragged him upstairs.