Darkest Night

Summary:

A few weeks after the shit-storm with Khan, Jim has a nightmare. He has a lot of nightmare material from over the years, but this...this is by far the worst.

Notes:

I got this idea last night while unable to sleep. Not entirely sure where it came from, but it wouldn't leave me alone until I wrote it down. This is the first Star Trek fic I've written that doesn't involve music - although I am working on another part of my Music For The Soul series.

As usual this is completely unbeta'd, so any and all remaining mistakes are my own.

Disclaimer:

Unfortunately I don't own Star Trek or the characters, but if I did, McKirk would totally be a thing.

He hit the glass between them so hard the skin on his hands split. His throat burned from the force of his screams and he was distantly aware that people were gathering behind him. He didn't care; he didn't care that he was their Captain, he didn't care whether his behaviour was logical, he didn't care that his crew was hurting too. He didn't care about anything other than the fact that his best friend was lying dead in front of him, and the pain that was radiating out from his own chest.

Jim Kirk had lost a lot of important people in his life; his father, his brother, his family on Tarsus IV, Chris Pike...and now Bones. His Bones.

The only person in his entire life who looked at him and actually saw Jim. Bones saw him and didn't leave. Jim couldn't lose him now; not like this. Bones deserved so much more, he deserved to grow old and be happy. He deserved to live.

So Jim kept pounding his fists against the glass and screaming pleas to whichever deities were listening; he just need Bones to open his eyes and glare at him for anything as long he was alive.

Jim felt a jab in the side of his neck and flinched sharply; he had a few seconds to glare mutinously at Spock before everything faded to black.

He woke up a while later in sickbay and immediately sat up, calling out for Bones. Chapel hurried to his bedside and Jim's heart froze in his chest. His eyes slid past her to Bones's office; the door was shut tight and the nurses all seemed to be trying to avoid even looking at it.

''Where is he?'' He demanded.

Chapel took a deep breath, ''He's in a private room. Doctor M'Benga is the only other qualified member of staff to carry out-'' She stopped and sighed heavily, ''We're struggling to keep up with all the injuries as it is.''

Jim nodded jerkily, ''I want to see him.''

Chapel looked as if she was about to argue but seemed to change her mind at the last second and nodded, gesturing for him to follow her.

When Jim reached the room where his best friend lay, he bit his lip to keep himself silent. Even on a starship, deep in space, Bones had managed to keep a slight tan. Now though, he was so pale that Jim couldn't quite process that it really was Bones. Reaching out a shaky hand, he took Bones's slightly larger hand in his own and rubbed a thumb over his knuckles.

''Bones?'' He whispered, brokenly. ''You know, you once promised that you'd never leave me - all those times that you saved me, pulled me back from the brink, you made me promise to stay alive for you. But you promised too. So...you can't be gone. You can't be. You've never broken a promise to me before, Bones. This can't be the first one.'' With his free hand, he swiped at his eyes.

He tightened his grip on Bones's hand, ''Come back, Bones.'' He brought their hands up his face and pressed a kiss to Bones's knuckles. ''Come back to me, Bones. Please.''

Leo had been sleeping fitfully but jerked awake when he heard Jim crying out. Heart pounding in his chest, he sat up and placed his hand on Jim's shoulder, gently shaking him. ''Jim?''

Jim continued to thrash around and repeat Bones over and over again, Leo shook him harder. ''Jim?!'' When he still didn't receive a reply, he moved his hands up to Jim's face, ''JIM!''

All at once, Jim came awake, lashing out with a fist that Leo caught and held against his chest. Jim struggled for a few moments until his eyes cleared and he slumped against Leo's side.

''Oh God...'' He croaked, gasping.

''Sshhh, Darlin'...it's okay. Whatever it is, it's over. You're safe.'' Leo murmured softly. He stroked Jim's hair and pressed a kiss to his temple.

After a while Jim calmed down enough that Leo risked questioning him, ''Do you want to talk about it, Jim? It might help...''

Jim hiccupped against Leo's shoulder, ''It was awful, Bones...''

Leo nodded slowly, from Jim's reaction he knew it was bad, but he also knew that bottling it up would only make it worse over time.

''Talk to me, Darlin'...'' He pressed, gently.

Taking a deep breath, Jim told him everything. ''It wasn't me that realigned the warp core,'' He glanced up at Leo. ''It was you.''

Leo held him tighter and kept stroking his hair, waiting for him to continue.

''I couldn't get to you, I couldn't do anything. I couldn't save you, Bones. You died right in front of me and there wasn't a fucking thing I could do to stop it!'' His breath hitched as he fought off the sobs that were threatening to overtake him. ''God, the worse part was seeing you lying there...''

Leo couldn't help but flinch at Jim's words; his own painful memories flashing across his minds eye.

Jim pulled away and looked up at him, ''That's what you felt...?'' He asked, hesitantly.

Nodding his head slowly, Leo squeezed his hand. ''Worst pain in the world, Darlin'.''

''Fuck Bones, I'm so sorry.'' Jim said, surging forward and pressing his face into Leo's neck.

''I get it, Jim. Really, I do.'' He sighed, heavily. ''I know why you did what you did, and I understand the reasoning behind it...'' He kissed Jim's hairline. ''But that didn't and doesn't make it any easier to bare.''

He felt Jim nod against his shoulder, ''I just felt numb to everything else; nothing else mattered because you were g-gone.'' He said, weakly.

They sat quietly for a few minutes, both taking comfort from being pressed together. Just when Leo was beginning to think that Jim had drifted off to sleep, the younger man moved away slightly and pulled Leo around so they were facing each other.

''Bones,'' He started quietly, playing with Leo's fingers. ''I can't promise that we'll never be a similar situation again. I can't promise that I'm never going to get injured...'' He glanced up. ''Or killed. But I can promise that I would never make that decision lightly; only if all else failed would I make that play.'' Jim sighed and gestured around the room. ''I would never give this up unless I had no other choice.''

Leo frowned slightly and opened his mouth to reply, but Jim cut him off. ''I don't mean the ship, Bones. I don't mean being Captain, or being in space, or any of that.'' He smiled, lovingly at Leo. ''I mean being with you. Coming back to our quarters, being surrounded by our things, getting to wake up beside you every morning. Be it here on the ship or in Georgia; the place doesn't matter, as long as I'm with you.''

Leo felt warmth blossom in his chest as he listened, he placed a hand on the back of Jim's neck and pulled him closer, their lips almost touching. He'd always thought that Jim's eyes were beautiful, but up close they all but glowed. He could clearly see the love in them and he knew that Jim could see the same in Leo's own eyes. He closed the distance between them, kissing Jim tenderly.

''I love you so much, Jim. And while I hate the thought of you getting so much as a cold, I trust you. I trust you to always try to come home to me.'' He whispered, once he pulled away. ''But I swear to you right now, that no matter what happens, I will always do whatever it takes to save you, to heal you, to keep you with me.''

Jim smiled softly again, ''I love you too, Bones. So much.''

Leaning forward slightly, Leo kissed him, slow and deep. Even death itself wouldn't separate them; they wouldn't let it.

-END-