Chapter 3
December 21st, 1967
"So, Laura," Dr Wick began, taking a drag of her cigarette. I did the same and she glanced up at me. "It seems that you haven't been getting into any trouble during your stay here."
I shrugged, hiding my smirk behind another drag. "Not really."
I ran down the north hallway, Betty's hand in mine. This was going to be the best Senior prank in the history of ever. She laughed. "This was a bad idea, Laur."
"Yeah, you're probably right."
There was a loud scream and then an explosion. We both laughed from behind a corner, but then there was another explosion, and then another. And… maybe setting off an explosive paint bomb in a chemistry lab was a really bad idea.
"How have the flashbacks been?"
I slowly moved my cigarette from between my lips and glared at her. Neither of us said anything for a few moments until she cleared her throat, obviously waiting for an answer. "How do you know about those?"
She smiled. "Well, you see, it seems at time, you stare off blankly into space -"
"So?" I asked harshly. "Everyone does that."
"Yes, my dear," she said, crushing her cigarette in her ashtray, "but most people can usually remember where they are. You were about to ask when you got here, correct?"
Yes. "No."
She nodded, clearly amused.
Bitch.
"How's Carmilla?"
My eye twitched. Nothing's happened between Carmilla and I, but we've both been kicked out of each other's rooms multiple times. Not like it matter, we always ended up together anyways.
"What about Carmilla?"
She smiled. "I was just wondering how you two were doing. You two seem to be very close, yes?"
I rolled my eyes. "We're two crazy people stuck in a mental torture chamber with a lot of crazy shit in common, okay?" I said matter of factly, as I lit another cigarette.
She hummed lightly and then looked at me with a glint in her eyes. "But are you really crazy, Laura?"
"Are we done?"
She nodded. "For now."
A nurse escorted me back to my room where I pulled out my journal from under my pillow.
Dr. Wick is the stupidest therapist I've ever had the pleasure of meeting. She doesn't know what she's talking about. She thinks she does when she writes nothing but empty words in her notebook, but she's clueless.
She says there's something wrong with me but she can't figure it out? How oblivious does she think we all are?
"Knock, knock."
I shut my journal and slid it back under my pillow. Carmilla was standing in the doorway with a smirk on her face. "Hey, Carm."
"What's up, cutie?" she asked, crushing her cigarette in the ashtray on the dresser. "Get back from your the-rape-me session with Dr. Dyke?"
I sighed. "Yeah."
She frowned and walked over to my bed. She lifted up my legs, sat down and then sat them on top of her lap, leaning back on her hands. "You okay?"
I sighed. "Yeah I just -"
There was a knock at the door. A nurse popped her head in. "Laura, you have a visitor."
I frowned and looked at Carmilla who shrugged. Was it my Dad? "Um, okay, I'll be out in a second."
"Come on, sweetheart," she said, standing and offering me her hand. I took it and we walked into the TV room where I immediately dropped her hand.
Shit.
"Betty?"
She turned around and smiled at me, nervously fiddling with her pockets. "Hey, Laura."
I cleared my throat awkwardly and stepped slightly in front of Carmilla. "What're you doing here?"
She laughed.
I missed that laugh. "What? I can't come visit my girlfriend?"
Double shit.
Literally half of the room gasped. "Girlfriend?" Elsie asked from her spot on the couch. She laughed. "Oh, Laura, you're dead now."
Betty shot her a look and offered me her hand. I took it, timidly, however and we walked back to our room. Before the door was even locked, all I heard was: "Okay, so in the case of seduction eyes that this chick was just giving cupcake, I think she needs some space."
And then, there was Danny: "Seduction eyes?!"
Betty laughed. "These people are fucking crazy." And before I could even really respond, she was kissing me and I kissed her back like she'd be away from months; which she had, and it felt great to be with her again.
She put her hands on my hips and pushed me back onto the bed and I slipped my tongue in her mouth. And honestly, I'd be lying if I'd say I didn't miss this.
She used her free hand and ran it up my stomach and palmed my breast hard. "Shit… wait," I said against her lips. I say up slightly on my elbows and tried to pull her shirt of, which of course got stuck because my arms weren't long enough. I guess it didn't matter though because the door burst open anyway. A nurse popped her head in.
"Checks," she said before blushing. "Sorry."
And then there was Valerie smirking at me. "You know, Laura, you do have grounds privileges."
She shut the door, but not before I saw my friends laughing and Carmilla giving me an amused expression. Betty stood up and straightened out her shirt. "Maybe we should -"
"No," I said. Because holy shit did I need this. "It's fine, we have fifteen minutes before they come back," I finished, while my hands worked on the button of her pants.
Fifteen minutes later though, when the nurse did come back for checks, we were already dressed. "Checks," she said lightly before ducking back out of the room.
I smiled at Betty shyly. "So… I have grounds privileges. Do you want to -"
Before I could finish she hand my hand in hers, pulling me out of my room where I was bombarded with wolf whistles. I blushed and she pulled me out of the doors and down the stairs. Once we got down the main staircase, we took a left to get to the main doors.
We walked outside and she pulled me in the direction of the parking lot. "Betts, what're you doing? The Cafe's that way -"
She stopped and turned around. "We're leaving, Laura."
I stared at her, a confused look on my face. "Wait… what?"
"My Dad gave me 5 grand, Laur," she said, licking her lips and looking around. "I got drafted to be a medical nurse in the army."
Oh, right.
We were all staring anxiously at the TV, waiting to see the birthday of someone we loved come up on the screen. Or the people we hated.
"December 30th," the announcer said.
I blinked. "Shit," I said quietly.
"What?" Elsie asked.
"A girl I know was just drafted to be a medical nurse."
She laughed. "She's dead now."
"Are you listening, Laur?" she asked. And while her hands gripped mine tighter, mine wanted to pull away even more. "We're going to Canada."
"Wha… why?"
"Look, Laura," she sighed, "you don't need to be here."
"I tried to kill myself, Betty."
She licked her lips and shook her head. "So you took a couple of aspirin -"
"I took a bottle of aspirin," I said, trying to reason. She threw her hands up in the air.
"And that buys you a year in this place? C'mon, Laura, that's bullshit!" she said with a humorless laugh. "You don't belong here. We can go to Canada, build a cabin in the woods. Just you and me, but we have to go."
I stared at her and then glanced back at the Women's Ward while she tried to pull me forward. This place was holding me back, and for once, that was a good thing. "I can't leave, Betty," I said throwing a look over my shoulder. "I have friends here."
"Who, them?" she asked and I shrugged. "Those girls, they're eating grapes off the wallpaper. They're crazy."
"If they are, then I am."
She left go of my hands now and stuffed them in her pockets. Something she does when she gets defensive. "Laura, I think I love you. Look, I have five grand!"
I didn't realize I was crying until I brought my hand up to wipe the tears from my face.
Betty gave me worried look. "I mean, you want to leave… don't you?"
I laughed as more tears fell from my eyes. "Yes, Betty. I do want to leave. But not with you," I said with finality. She reached for my hands and I backed away. "Not with you."
I didn't have time to hear her reply because I was running back inside. Up the stairs, hard, fast. I can't breathe and it feels great. I get up to my floor and go straight to my room, looking out the window and watching her leave. There was a knock on the door.
"Fuck off!" I yelled, resting my head against my pillow on the window seal. The door creaked open.
"Not a chance in hell, cupcake."
I turned around to see Carmilla standing there, arms literally wide open. I didn't think twice, or at all really. I jumped down from my bed and crashed my face into her shoulder. I cried for a good fifteen minutes, and then she finally spoke.
"It's okay, Laura. It's okay."
And at this point, all I ended up thinking about at the moment was the fact that…
She called me Laura
An hour after lights out, I stared in the dark at the six pages of hardly readable script. Four words, repeated a hundred times over.
She called me Laura
December 31st, 1967
You know, nothing ruins New Year's Eve worse than finding out you have a Dr. Wick appointment first thing in the morning.
I figure it's because of what happened with Betty, more or less; considering that I only meet with Dr. Wick once a month and my once a month was about a week ago. "Why do you look like someone just took away your paycheck?" Danny asked casually, plopping down beside me on the couch.
"I have a Dr. Wick appointment tomorrow morning."
She frowned. "Didn't you just have one like two weeks ago?"
I nodded, putting another cigarette to my lips.
Danny lit it for me and I smiled. "Thanks, Danny."
She waved me off. "No problem, now… tell me why you have an unscheduled slash unplanned appointment for Dr. Dyke."
So I told her exactly what happened between Betty and I, and after my five minute explanation she looked at me, unamused. "What?"
"Would you have went to Canada with her if you hated it here?"
I shrugged, taking a drag. "I don't know."
We didn't say anything after that, just sat in silence and watched reruns of I Love Lucy. Danny's question was bugging me. Would I really have left with Betty if I did hate it here? A girl I'd been dating for a few months, basically on and off? And I honestly don't like the fact that my answer is 'I don't know'.
I mean, yeah, she said she loved me… kind of. But, it didn't feel right. Maybe if she wouldn't have said that, my answer would have been yes. But then, I would have to hate this place. Which I don't.
Doesn't mean I don't want to leave, though. Maybe I just don't want to go by myself. Or maybe I just don't want to leave some things behind.
9:43 pm
Carmilla and I lay in my bed, my head in the crook of her neck and her hand rubbing circles in my arm. We hadn't said a word for a good half an hour until I broke the silence. "Are we aloud to watch the ball drop?"
"Yeah," she whispered. "And if we weren't, I'd find a way anyways so…" she trailed off.
I smiled. "I know."
10:58 pm
We were all gathered around the poker table playing some card game where you tried to guess if your opponents had the right card they said they had. "Three threes," Danny said carefully, placing the three cards face down on the pile.
"Bullshit, firetruck," Carmilla said, smirking in Danny's direction when she picked up the entire pile of cards.
"Quit calling me that, Al Capone?"
Carmilla rolled her eyes and then winked at me. "Fucking hypocrite."
11:49 pm
"No! Get the fuck off!" Elsie screamed as two guards wrestled her in their arms. "Nobody's ever going to fucking love me!" she cried. "It's not fucking fair!"
Valerie was sighing and jerked her head towards the other hallway. "Solitary Confinement, please."
I looked at Carmilla with pleading eyes and a pout.
"No," she said. "Cupcake, I don't want you to get in tr -"
"Please?"
She sighed and we both stood up. "Yeah, whatever."
11:52 pm
Carmilla and I booked it to the art room. They kept a locked up compartment of instruments, and she had keys to everything.
She popped open the lock and I grabbed a guitar and a tambourine and as soon as we were in there, we were gone.
Trying to quietly run down the hallway with a tambourine is a lot harder than I thought.
11:54 pm
I sat next to the thick, white metal door with the guitar in my lap. I smiled at Carmilla who was shaking her head at me, a smile on her face and a tambourine in her hand. "Elsie?" I asked quietly.
"Go away," came her weak reply.
Carmilla nodded her head and I strummed a few weak chords. "Um… okay, hold on," I said before adjusting my fingers. I cleared my throat and croaked out the first few words.
When there's nowhere else to run
Is there room for one more son
One more son
If you can hold on
If you can hold on, hold on
I want to stand up, I want to let go
You know, you know, no you don't, you don't
I want to shine on in the hearts of men
I want a meaning from the back of my broken hand
By now, Carmilla was playing and singing along and I couldn't help but smile. Her voice… was perfect, much like everything else about her. And now all I'm thinking about is writing about her in my journal.
Another head aches, another heart breaks
I am so much older than I can take
And my affection, well it comes and goes
I need direction to perfection, no no no no
Yeah, you know you gotta help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the backburner
You know you gotta help me out
You're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down
Carmilla sat closer to me, now; playing the beat on the tambourine like it was her heartbeat and all I could do was strum a little bit harder.
Because this was my favorite song and I'll be damned if I don't play my little heart out.
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier (x10)
11:59 pm
Over and again, last call for sin
While everyone's lost, the battle is won
With all these things that I've done
All these things that I've done
I played the last chord and glanced up to see Carmilla smiling at me. I set the guitar down and smiled back. She brought her hand up and wiped some hair from my face.
10
9
8
"You're a really good singer," she whispered, eyes glancing down at my lips.
7
6
5
"So are you," I whispered back.
4
3
2
"Happy New Year, cutie."
I didn't hear the last number from my friends in the TV room, because I was too focused on the roaring in my ears when I finally felt her lips pressed against mine.
I kissed her back and she pulled me onto her lap, running a hand through my hair in the process.
We broke apart and she started laughing. I laughed too and sat next to her, leaning against her shoulder.
When our laughter subsides, finally, she kissed the top of my head. "Goodnight, cupcake."
"Goodnight, Carm," I whispered. But, before I closed my eyes I swore I could hear Elsie humming the song we just sang her.
Maybe everything wasn't alright.
But for now, we could all pretend they could be.
January 1st, 1968
"Wake up!"
Someone kicked my foot and I slowly opened my eyes. "What the hell?"
"You gotta get back to your room, Valerie's -" LaF was cut off with a loud yell.
"God damn it!" Valerie yelled, staring directly at me. LaF shook their head and ran back down the hall.
I stood up and stepped away from Carmilla as fast as I possibly could, without making it look like something was going on. Which was ridiculous because nothing really was going on.
She pointed a firm finger at me, seething. "I've had just about enough of your shit, Hollis."
She marched over, and I thought she was going to hit me, but she just bent down and grabbed Carmilla by the collar of her shirt and yanked her to her feet. "Oh, good morning to you too, Val."
"What do you think you're doing, Carmilla?"
She sighed and looked down at her nails. "Well, I was sleeping -"
Valerie shook her head. "No," she said. "What do you think you're doing with Laura?"
At the mention of my name, she narrowed her eyes. "The fuck are you talking about?"
Valerie shook her head and pushed Carmilla back against the wall before dropping her hand from her collar. "Stay away from her," she spat. "You'll ruin her, Karnstein. And we all know you don't want that."
A look of fear got replaced with a look of realization and it made my heart crumble. "That's not true," I said quietly.
"Go to your appointment, cupcake. I'm fine."
I gave her a pleading look but she just shook her head, a small smile at the corners of her lips.
So, I picked up my feet and walked to Dr. Wick's office, guided by an orderly. As soon as I sat down on the uncomfortable fake leather, I lit a cigarette. She smiled knowingly at me. "Good morning, Ms. Hollis."
I didn't respond, just leaned back in my chair and took a drag so deep, it felt like my lungs were going to burn out.
"So, would you like to know your real diagnoses?"
What?
"What?" I asked, surprisingly myself. "What do you mean real?"
She smiled again and cocked her head to one side. "Perhaps that is for another visit, yes?"
No. "Yeah, whatever."
I took another drag and then flicked the ash into that ugly ashtray on her table.
"Maybe we should talk about your behavior."
What was she talking about? She can't be talking about what happened with Betty, or even what happened with Carmilla. No way, those aren't behaviors. Those are moments that just happen.
"See, someone like you might engage in a sex act where -"
I scoffed and finished my last drag, crushing the light into the darkness of the ashtray. "Am I in trouble for kissing Carmilla or giving my girlfriend head?"
She gave me a brief smile that fell from her lips the second it was there.
"Neither."