So it turns out that I actually wasn't in trouble for kissing Carmilla or having sex with my girlfriend. Someone drugged the nurse that was on guard that night and Valerie found out. Which would explain why she was so pissed off earlier.

But, it didn't make sense that she thought that I did it. My guess is that it was probably Elsie or something; she did have a huge problem with that nurse a few weeks ago, so yeah, it probably was.

Either that or Carmilla, which is really far fetched because she was with me the whole time.

I mean, she did wonder off for a few seconds, but that was probably just her short attention span that she has when it comes to helping other people. I mean… right?

"That bunched up face you make when you're thinking is adorable, cutie."

I tensed up and turned around, throwing her a brief smile. "Hey."

She nodded and sat on the table, swinging her feet back and forth. Kind of like she was nervous.

"Can I ask you something?"

I cocked my head to one side and gave her a questioning look. Was she asking for permission? That's weird, even for her. "Um… yeah, as long as I can ask you something."

She nodded. "Do you…" she sighed. "Are we okay?"

We? What the hell is that supposed to mean? "What do you mean 'we'?"

She shrugged shyly and I smiled because it was honestly the cutest thing ever. "Like… I don't know. Are we still… whatever we were before?"

"That's what I was going to ask you," I said, shrugging and looking at the floor. "But… if you want to be, then yeah, we're fine."

Carmilla glanced up at me and sighed before looking behind her. Nobody except for Elsie and Natalie were in the TV room, so it was pretty empty. "Fuck," she mumbled. I was about to ask her what was wrong when she grabbed my hand and pulled me towards her room.

She pulled me inside and shut the door and apparently she made a lock because she locked the door. She brought her hand up and rested it on my cheek. We stared at each other for a long time before she ran her thumb over my lips and I took in a deep breath. "Carm…"

She chuckled softly. "I really want to kiss you."

I swallowed. "Then do it."

She shook her head and dropped her hand. "I can't."

I gave her a look and she sighed.

"Look, I think… well, I don't know what I think. But… there's something about you. You're smart, you're funny, you're the most adorable and sexiest person I think I've ever met, but you don't belong here, and I don't want to be the thing keeping you where you don't need to be."

"You're not."

January 25th, 1968

So… Sarah Jane is getting out sometime in February. Her Dad called and said as soon as he buys an apartment and gets furniture and stuff in there, she could move in. And Carmilla and I haven't done anything since New Year's.

I mean, we've talked but we haven't kissed, cuddled or snuck out together to go down to the tunnels. She came into my room one night when she had a nightmare, but she didn't touch me, she just fell asleep. Which was okay too, because I really just wanted to be near her.

And Dr. Wick said that I should stay away from Carmilla. I laughed and told her to pull her head out of her ass so she could hear what she was saying, because it was all bullshit.

I sighed, slid my journal back under my pillow and got up from my spot on my bed, lit a cigarette and dragged myself to the TV room.

"Hey, L," LaF greeted, getting up from their chair and walking over to my side. I gave them a small smile.

"Hey."

They furrowed their brow. "You okay?"

LaF and I have actually become really good friends over the months that I've been here, and honestly I'm thankful because I'm not in the mood to talk to anyone but them right now. "Uh, kind of, I don't know."

They nodded. "Alright, alright, come on," they said, grabbing ahold of the fabric of my shirt and pulling me towards their room.

We walked in silence and when we got their, they hastily pushed me inside and shut the door.

Natalie was sitting on her bed painting her nails.

Wait.

How?

LaFontaine and I both looked at her. "Where'd you get nail polish?"

Natalie looked up at us and smirked. "I have my ways."

LaF and I nodded and stood there awkwardly. "You uh… you bagged it from the Men's Ward, didn't you?"

She shrugged and picked up her stuff, screwing the top back on the nail polish and putting it in her pocket. "Whatever you guys are going to talk about, I don't care, just don't take long, I want to finish my nails."

We both nodded and she left, closing the door behind her. "So… what's your deal, L?"

I sighed. "You know how Carmilla and I kissed on New Year's, right?"

They nodded and I licked my lips.

"Well, we haven't kissed since then, but apparently she wants to kiss me but she says she can't because she doesn't think that I belong here and she doesn't want to ruin me and I'm totally freaked right now because I honestly think I like her and normally I wouldn't -"

LaF placed their hands on my shoulders and laughed. "Breathe, you dip shit, okay?"

I took a deep breath and let out a soft chuckle. "Thanks," I said. They smiled.

"Don't mention it. If you would have died from asphyxiation, I would have missed you."

We stood there for a little bit before I spoke. "So… what do I do?"

"Carmilla likes to be in control of situations. Show her that she's not, okay? She's a real fucking hardass, but for some reason I feel like she'd let you walk all over her," they took a breath. "Now, you call the shots, L. Otherwise all of this," they waved their hands in a general location, "is never going to work. Because seriously, we can all feel the sexual tension between you too. It's disgusting, so do something about it."

I smiled, triumphantly. "Time to girl the hell up, right?"

They laughed. "You know, that'll be on a TV show someday."

February 1st, 1968

Okay, so… it's been a week and I haven't done anything about my… situation (?)

And honestly, I'm not sure I want to because Dr. Wick, Melvin and Valerie are all getting suspicious that something between Carmilla and I is going on behind their backs. Which, is kind of true but we haven't done anything. Not like I don't want to… because wow, but I just don't know how to and it's kind of driving me insane

I sigh and shut my journal before LaF, Danny and Perry come bursting into my room. "Uh… hey, guys…?"

Danny sighed before she shrugged and all three of them walked over to my bed and picked me up. I thrashed a little bit when Danny pulled out a blindfold.

"Woah, what the hell?" I demanded, glaring down at LaF who stood between my airborne legs, holding them up by the ankles.

Danny held my arms and Perry slipped the blindfold on.

"What the hell are you guys doing?" I yelled as they all shushed me.

"We're kiboshing this little problem of yours, once and for all."

I grunted. "No, you're kidnapping me." I didn't get a response, they just started hauling me out of my room and left down the main hallway.

We took a few turns and stopped a few times when we heard voice. Eventually, I heard a door open and then there was Carmilla's voice. "Take this fucking grungy blindfold off of me you twats before I slit all of your worthless -"

"Carmilla?" I asked, scrunching up my face from behind my blindfold.

"Cupcake?" she called back, sounding just as confused as me.

"Ready?" Elsie said.

Apparently everyone else in the room nodded because in three seconds, my blindfold was pulled off and so was Carmilla's. All of my friends stood around the two beds that Carm and I were on.

"Where are we?"

"Seriously, I don't even know this place," Carmilla said, blowing some hair out of her face.

LaF spoke up. "Okay, sorry about all of these… extreme measures, but honestly something had to be done because you two are so clearly into each other it's making all of us sick, so, we figured if you guys couldn't fix the problem, we could try our hardest."

I raised an eyebrow. "So you kidnap us?"

They all shrugged before walking towards the door. Elsie was the last out the door. She looked over her shoulder and smiled. "And don't think about trying to leave. The door locks from the outside."

When she shut the door, I glanced at Carmilla. "So…"

"Yeah…"

I cleared my throat. "Can I come sit by you or…?"

She shook her head, a small smirk on her face. "If you want to, cutie."

I nodded, stood up, walked over to the bed and awkwardly sat on the edge of it. We sat in a surprisingly comfortable silence until I looked out the window. It was raining. "The rain tonight's really pretty."

"So are you."

I looked at her and blushed. Seriously, what is she doing? Does she like me, or is she just flirting?

This chick is honestly one piece of work. "What're we doing, Carmilla?"

"Well, currently we're sitting in some room that smells like this one girl that I -"

I waved my hands in front of her face. "Okay, first of all… no," I glared at her. "We are not talking about other girls right now."

She lifted her eyebrow and rubbed the back of her neck. "Oh...kay?"

"Hurry the fuck up in there, we don't have all night!"

I let out a harsh breath and sat fully on the bed, crossing my legs and giving Carmilla a look.

She gave me one right back, but one that seemed more like sadness than anything. It was… definitely not expected. "I need you to understand something, cupcake."

"Okay… let's start with the nicknames. Why do you use them?"

She laid back on the bed and crossed her hands over her stomach. "Do you remember when you first got here?"

"And you tried to kill me?"

She laughed, and it was genuine. I could tell by the way she lifted her head to look at me and then laughed harder. "Was I really that bad?" she asked and I shrugged, a smile on my face. "Anyways, after I didn't kill you, I went to solitary confinement and cried over Ell."

I nodded. "Was Ell your -"

"She was my girlfriend," she said simply. "And you were right, Laura."

I frowned. "Right about what?"

She sat up and swung her legs over the bed. She stood up and walked over to my side of the bed and sat next to me. "We shouldn't be talking about other girls because I want to talk about you."

Oh.

"Oh."

She was giving me the look. You know, the one someone gives you when they're about to bang you up against a wall or some shit? Yeah, it was that look. Or, maybe that's just the way she looks at me because she grabs my hand, intwines it with hers and kisses my knuckles. "I know I'm not so good with the feelings thing, but -"

"Guys, seriously! If we get caught I'm gonna kill -"

Carmilla growled. "Okay, Jesus fucking Christ!"

I laughed and she glared at me.

"You're not making this easy, cupcake."

I smiled and shrugged. "Pretty sure none of this is supposed to be easy." I nudged her with my shoulder. "Anyways, you were saying?"

She let out a sigh and squeezed my hand. "I think I really like you and I'm sorry that it took so long for me to realize that it's just… I don't know. Usually when I sneak out of here, I always end up hooking up with some random girl and then having to deal with their husbands or boyfriends afterwards, but the last time I snuck out? I didn't want to deal with that because I kept thinking about you and…" she trailed off and I squeezed her hand a little tighter.

"And…?"

"I don't ever want it to be like that between us, you know? Something quick. That's not what I want with you and it's kind of freaking me out because that's honestly all I've ever known until I got together with Ell but it's just… weird, I guess. But you're kind of really awesome and I just -"

She was cute when she ranted, but holy shit I swear if we ran out of time to finish talking before my idiot friends came in and ruined it, I would end up murdering half of them. "Carmilla?"

She looked at me and raised her eyebrow. "Yeah?"

"Shut up," I said before crashing my lips onto hers. And, honestly I've thought about kissing Carmilla a lot… like, really a lot but this felt a lot better than writing about it in my journal or having some stupid day dream about it.

I tilted my head a little further to the right to deepen the kiss and she did the same. I swept my tongue across her bottom lip and she opened her mouth so quickly I almost wanted to laugh. But there's really no time for laughing when Carmilla Karnstein's tongue is in your mouth.

She pulled me down on top of her and threw one of her hands in my hair. I smiled as I pulled back. Which quickly turned into a smirk when I saw the look on her face. "Disappointed?"

She licked her lips. "Shut up."

I got off of her and ran my fingers through my hair. And then I offered her my hand. She took it and we both smiled. "Come on, let's book it before those girls lose their shit."

I opened the door and pulled Carmilla past my friends who were giving us encouraging glances. When we got to the end of the hallway, I sheepishly turned back to them. "Uh… which way?"

LaF and Elsie held up the blindfolds with smirks before LaF spoke up. "Nice try, frosh."

February 21st, 1986

It was cold outside, like… bone chilling cold and we were walking to an ice cream parlour.

"Y'know, taking a bunch of us to get ice cream in the middle of winter kind of makes you wonder who's crazy here," I said, tightening the string around my waist.

Valerie smiled. "Well, I figured we should do something nice for Sarah Jane's last day, and all of you seem to enjoy ice cream enough to try and sneak over to the Men's Ward to get some, so why not make it easier?"

I looked at Carmilla who shrugged.

Well, she wasn't wrong.

"Anyways, I thought the fresh air would be good for you ladies."

We walked in silence most of the way, trying to think to ourselves how exactly it was that they were letting Sarah Jane out despite the fact that her Dad was basically buying her out of that place. We all knew she wasn't "cured", and I'm pretty sure even she knows that.

When we finally got to the ice cream place, we took our coats off, put them in the booths and walked up to the counter. Carmilla ordered first. "Well, hey there..." she glanced down at his nametag and smiled, "...Ronny."

He gave her a nervous smile. "Um, hi," he cleared his throat. "What can I get for you?"

Before she spoke, I overheard someone talking to the left of us and tensed up.

Seriously? I can't get a break?

What were they even doing here?

Valerie nudged me. "You gonna get anything, Laura?"

I shook my head. Carmilla continued her flirting with Ronny and I rolled my eyes. "So… you want a sundae?"

She nodded and dragged her thumb across her bottom lip. "Can it have sprinkles though?"

He nodded. "Sprinkles, sure, yeah. Anything else?"

She picked up a cherry from behind the glass, brought it to her lips and sucked on it. "Well, there's one more thing…"

I heard Elsie and Natalie chuckling and I kind of figured where this was going. Ronny cleared his throat again and brought his pen to his notepad. "Um… nuts?"

We all burst out into laughter and Carmilla pulled the cherry stem out of her mouth and threw it in the trashcan behind the counter.

Valerie rolled her eyes and stepped to the front. "We'll all just have the peppermint stick."

Sarah Jane faked a pout, trying to hide her smirk. "What if I want peppermint dick?"

Elsie spoke up. "Well, what if the rest of us want peppermint clit?"

We all laughed again and Valerie nodded her head and turned back to us. "Sit," she said. And we did.

We ate in silence for the most part because we were too scared Valerie was going to kill us if we said anything else. But honestly, I was way too worried about him coming over here and noticing me.

He did anyway.

"Hello, Laura," he said coldly.

I nodded. "Mr. Gilcrest."

Carmilla gave me a knowing look. He leaned down a little closer to me. "I know what you did and where you are right now. And let's just say I hope they put you away for a long time."

Carmilla sat up. "Hey, back off Tarzan."

He stood back up straight and narrowed his eyes at her. "Was I talking to you?"

"No, you were spitting on me, so mellow fuckin' out!"

He literally gasped.

Asshole.

"Don't tell me what to do!"

Carmilla rolled her eyes and handed her ice cream to me. "Look, she gave your wife some head. Big fucking deal, she was probably begging for it. And I heard yours is like a pencil anyway, so I don't blame her."

He pointed his finger at her, rage filling his face. "How dare you?"

Carmilla swatted it away. "A little advice? Just don't point your fucking finger at crazy people!"

I sat there, wide eyed until Elsie started barking.

Literally barking. And then the rest of them starting making weird noises and doing weird shit that I've never seen them do, but what most "normal" people would expect crazy people to do. He stormed out of the parlour, I looked at Carmilla and then I laughed. "Thanks, guys."

Carmilla took her ice cream back. "No problem, cupcake."

The walk back was filled with laughter and… honestly a lot of shit. I was walking next to Carmilla when Valerie turned to look at her. "Did you enjoy the fresh air?"

She smiled. "Yeah, I did Val, thanks for asking."

She hummed and nodded. "Good, because it's the last you're going to get during your stay here."

Carmilla smirked. "Is that a dare or a double dare?"

February 22nd, 1968

I woke up and immediately shut my eyes again. "Oh, shit," I mumbled.

Yeah, maybe I shouldn't have drank so much last night. But people only leave once, right?

I laughed. Now I really am starting to sound like Carmilla.

"Hey… hey, hey, hey… hey!" Elsie yelled, snapping her fingers in front of my face. I blinked and looked at her.

"Huh?" I managed. She handed me another shot and I took it, cringing afterwards. We were back down in the tunnels, bowling and drinking and…

Holy shit I'm fucked up.

I laughed and Carmilla handed me the bowling ball. "You okay there?"

"I'm totally blitzed right now, sorry."

She shrugged and kissed the side of my forehead. "As long as you don't hurt yourself or do anything stupid, you'll be fine. Maybe not in the morning, but, you know."

I groaned when the door opened. "Morning checks," the nurse said before shutting the door.

I turned over and glanced at Perry who was smiling at me. "Good morning," she said.

I nearly threw up. "Not likely."

I closed my eyes for a few minutes before the door was being opened again. I squeezed my eyes shut tighter in hopes that whoever it was would go away because at this point I'm pretty sure that I'm dying. "Morning, cutie."

"Go away, I'm gross," I mumbled into my pillow. She laughed and I felt her sit on the edge of the bed.

"Take these and drink this and you won't be so gross anymore," she said. I peeked at her and she smirked, handing me a glass of water and a few pills. I sat up slowly and took the pills, chugging the water afterwards. "Lay back down and go to sleep. You'll feel better in about an hour."

I offered her a small, shy smile. "Thanks."

She leant forward and kissed me. "Yeah, yeah. Just feel better."

And I did, but for a totally different reason.

12:07 pm

We were all gathered around the table in the TV room talking to Sarah Jane. "You guys will get out, okay?"

Elsie rolled her eyes. "Whatever you say, Daddy's girl. It's not going to be any time soon."

She shook her head. "You don't know that."

Elsie laughed. "Yeah, I do."

While we waited for her Dad to get here, they told me stories about things that happened before I got here. And yeah, some of the stories were crazy, but the more I stayed here I realized that my friends aren't. At least, not in the way everyone else thinks.

1:19 pm

Sarah Jane leaving didn't really affect us all that much, but I honestly couldn't help but feel like something was missing. And something was. But things were going pretty good. I was happy for her.

Valerie tapped me on the shoulder. "Can I talk to you for a minute?"

I looked up and nodded. "Sure, about what?"

"Carmilla."

I nodded slowly, stood up and pushed my chair in, giving Carmilla a desperate look. She gave me a confused one.

Valerie led me into her office, shut the door and locked it.

There should have been a million things running through my head, but the only one was:

We're fucked