Cosima presses her hands to her face as soon as Delphine is out of range. Delphine pregnant. She'd noticed that Delphine had been snacking more, gaining a bit of weight, but she'd attributed it to job stress. Not a gestating fetus.
A baby. Delphine having a baby... And not with her. Who? When? Cosima wonders, and how did Delphine find the time? Was this purposeful? An accident? Had this come from a broken condom? A drunken encounter?
"Cosima, it's not a big deal," Shay shrugs, "Your ex has moved on, she's having a baby. You should be happy for her. "
"I'm just shocked. " Cosima lies quickly. Felix rolls his eyes, but chooses to say nothing.
Jealousy. Cosima knows the feeling. It's not mine... Which is ridiculous. Delphine's child would never be biologically hers. No child she could ever have would be, Delphine couldn't possibly be that stupid, even heading DYAD. Those kinds of experiments had to stay off limits. But... Not mine. The words bother her. She doesn't want to picture a faceless stranger moving over Delphine, thrusting into her, causing her to whimper, coming inside of her. Creating life, even accidentally. It was just far too… intimate.
Not mine, Cosima reminds herself, Delphine isn't hers, this child isn't hers… A deep wrenching feeling in her gut brings an intense wave of nausea. She doesn't want anyone else coming in Delphine… or anywhere near Delphine. But this… misplaced jealousy? Is that it? A child is more than that. It's a huge wedge being driven between them. It… it will never be the same again. Delphine pregnant. Delphine having a baby. Her mind spins with the ramifications, the finality of it all. Who is the father that Delphine is carrying to term? Is it a baby she wants? Or is this part of something else?
"Can you wait outside?" Cosima implores Shay and Felix, "I just need to be by myself. Dr. Nealon is brief. It won't take long for the results. "
"It's looking promising, Cosima. I still want you coming in for dialysis - I'm not thrilled with the state of your kidneys. But the growths are not spreading. You're stable. " Dr..Nealon informs her quickly, handing over a stack of pages.
"Did Dr. Cormier examine my results?"
"Yes. I'll see you same time next week. "
"Fine. " Cosima nods considering, "Is Delphine -"
"Is Dr. Cormier what? Still competent? Of course. By the way - no more guests... It's awkward keeping them out of things. Your girlfriend still ignorant?"
"Yeah. Of course. Shay knows nothing. Just that I'm getting experimental treatment for an autoimmune disorder."
"Good. Keep it that way. We don't need the extra liability. " Dr. Nealon barely looks up from his notes.
"And if I don't? "
"Then we have a problem. " Dr. Nealon glares at her intently, "And you know how DYAD can handle a problem."
"Right. Yeah." Cosima nods, "Am I free to go?"
He nods at her and she stands up, quickly exiting the room and making her way back to chairs where Felix and Shay were chatting amicably, though mysteriously quiet once she had come into view.
"So?" Shay looks at her from her seat in the hall. Shay seems, more secure if anything, and the woman wasn't insecure to begin with, by any stretch of the imagination.
"We're making progress."
"It's promising then? This new treatment? I don't like it… I think you need to look at more holistic options."
"Well, we're doing those too. Both." Cosima reminds her girlfriend with a smile.
Felix interrupts, "Okay, so who's for lunch and drinks to celebrate? Delphine's out of the picture for good, and you're getting better. Ooh I have an idea… there's this great Thai place downtown and-"
"Sounds good to me," Shay nods, "Are you okay Cosima?"
"Yeah babe, I'm sorry. I'm fine." Cosima lies quickly. Delphine… she'll never quite be over her. How could she be? Even Shay had told her they had this 'karmic bond' tying them together. Not necessarily meaning their relationship would be lasting, only that its effects would be.
She tries to brush off her dreams of Delphine as usual. Shay, knowing better, simply directs her to the dream journal she'd insisted Cosima keep. It was supposed to help her process through her emotions during their relationship that had sprung from a quick rebound. A way to 'deal with her baggage' as they go.
"Do you really want me to tell you?" Cosima glares at her girlfriend as she scribbles in her dream journal. Dreams of having sex with a distinctly not-pregnant Delphine. Delphine telling her she loves her. Typical, Cosima thought, nothing much has changed there. Being symbolically pulled apart. Blah blah blah.
Shay considers, "Do you want to tell me?"
"No."
"Then that's it. But you're still processing through your emotions. It's fine to have feelings, but you have to admit it's over now. She's pregnant. End of story." Shay notices her tensing and rolls her eyes, "Don't. Don't lie to me - I can tell when you're lying."
"So what?" Cosima rolls her eyes, "Maybe I don't care anymore. Maybe it's something else."
"Just remember, it's your past. The past is behind us. So what? Delphine is an ex.. It doesn't matter how she got pregnant or with who. It's over. You told me it was done. And it's going to stay done. Besides… pregnant… I mean… you can't still want to fuck her."
"Yeah. Of course not." Cosima nods, "I think I need space. Like to clear my head."
"Fine. Go take a walk. Talk to a friend. Whatever you need to do."
"Aren't you jealous?"
Shay grimaces, "I told you. Pregnant. Not exactly the sexiest thing on the planet. My pregnant clients tell me they feel like beached whales by the end of it. Plus you know, stretch marks, heartburn, nausea, swollen feet, near constant discharge - it's gross. The complete opposite of sex appeal."
Cosima laughs softly, humourlessly, "Yeah. You're right. Not sexy. Even with a, what did you call it, 'karmic bond'."
"And, as I told you, karmic bond doesn't mean permanent or even good. I like what we have." Shay smiles, "It's nice. Less dramatic than that sort of thing."
"Yeah." Cosima agrees with a nod, leaning in for a quick kiss. She's still aroused from her dream, she tries to pull Shay in under her, forget these conflicting emotions. When they're fucking she can almost forget, almost lose herself in it. It's less passionate, Cosima acknowledges, but it's still pretty good. As long as she doesn't try to compare it to her overwhelming feelings for Delphine. Maybe nothing ever will compare, she's better off forgetting, settling for a relationship like this. Easy. Uncomplicated. Great friendship and pretty good sex.
Shay pushes her off, "Nope, no time, I have a client in an hour, so have a good day. Deal with your emotions. See you tonight." Hopping out of bed, Shay begins to dress, "Oh god, Cosima, don't pout at me. Find something else to do."
"Okay." Cosima agrees half-heartedly, rolling back over, hoping to dream again. Shit.
She finds herself watching for Delphine at DYAD. She lets herself eye Delphine, learning the new contours of her body by sight. She tries to make herself feel disgust, or anything but arousal and longing looking at Delphine. She tries to hide it as the weeks pass, but she tries to look in on Delphine as much as possible. Watch her enter the building in the morning, timing her commute so they usually coincide and she can follow Delphine in.
She's turned on by pregnant women? Cosima shakes her head. Fuck no. By the idea of Delphine pregnant? Probably not. If things were different, would she be? If it were a sperm donor and a baby planned by the two of them? In some weird alternate reality where they were together and functional? As close to 'mine' as Delphine's child could ever be, Cosima muses, she could have been into that, in a few years, maybe. Longing for Delphine in spite of everything? She muses, it must be the truth.
She stares blankly at her computer monitor, trying not to think about Delphine. Anything but Delphine.
"What are you looking at?" Scott approaches her from behind, just in time to see her jump.
"Nothing."
"Delphine." Scott reads her correctly.
"Yeah. I just… I can't stop myself from feeling." Cosima slams her hand into the desk in lieu of shoving papers off of it.
"What's wrong with that?" Scott shrugs cluelessly, trying to figure it out.
Cosima gestures it out, "Umm I have a girlfriend? Delphine's pregnant. I don't even know how…"
"Why don't you go talk to her? I mean we have these forms for approvals. Go get her to sign them." Scott hands her the forms.
"Isn't that your job?"
"Take the forms. Go see Delphine. Ask her." Scott suggests, "Advice from a guy who can't usually read these types of situations - ask. Makes things a hell of a lot easier."
"Ask her what?" Cosima cannot help herself from being a smart-ass.
"If her kid's dad is in the picture. If she's single… Whatever it is that has you mooning in the hallways nearly everyday." Scott returns to his work, "I'm going to pack up and go home now. Play some video games- and it's almost time to feed Tesla."
"Tesla is dead." Cosima deadpans.
"Tesla is my cat. I got her from the SPCA. It helps with the work stress."
"Seriously?"
"Yeah, do you want to see a picture?" Scott holds up his phone, revealing pictures of what appears to be a very affectionate fluffy black and white cat.
"Okay. Cool. Tesla the cat." Cosima nods.
"Just please no more lesbian drama. I don't need this. No lesbian drama. No threat of instant death. No baby daddy drama-"
"Baby daddy drama? Scott, what have you been watching?"
"It helps me sleep, okay?" Scott shifts uncomfortably.
"Right." Cosima gathers her stuff, and the forms and heads over to Delphine's office. Leekie's old office...fuck, right after a detour to the cafeteria… and any other place she can think of.
In her fantasies, Delphine is always the same as she was before. Curly hair and lithe form. The Delphine she's helping off her knees has a round belly that presses between them as she hauls her into a kiss, tasting herself on Delphine's lips, on Delphine's tongue. It was easy to forget when Delphine was on her knees, tasting her. All she could see was Delphine's beautiful face, she didn't want to resist anymore. She'd given in to her need. And Delphine had told her she loved her…
It's almost the same, Cosima thinks kissing deeply, trying not to care that a small gestating human is pressed between them. Is Delphine's ass bigger? She runs her hands over it and grins into their kiss at her discovery. Her breasts are bigger, but she's afraid to touch them. Would it hurt Delphine if she did? Would she leak milk or something? And more importantly, how is she going to give back to her? Should they switch positions? Would Delphine be okay on the desk?
Delphine breaks the kiss breathlessly, and for one terrible moment Cosima is afraid, afraid that Delphine will apologize, will allow the icy façade to fall over her once more and leave.
"Come home with me." Delphine breathes into Cosima's skin instead, "I... I need you. And... it's too hard for me to make love with you here. I need a bed."
"Yes." Cosima nods at her, "Yes... Of course. Take me home. " She wants to beg Delphine to hurry as she quickly grabs her things, and rushes her out the door, down to the parking garage.
She's in Delphine's car. And it's far too fancy and expensive to be one that Delphine picked out.
"It's DYAD's." Delphine answers her unasked questions, it becomes clear they aren't going to the old apartment. The one they briefly shared, it's a stab of annoyance. Why did Delphine move anyways? The baby, Cosima assumes. Or DYAD… Either way, it reminds her of the time apart.
The car is barely in park before Cosima undoes her seatbelt and pushes forward, aggressively kissing Delphine with plundering tongue and merciless lips. Cosima lets herself fantasize about shoving her hand down Delphine's pants, having her like a horny teenager in a parking garage. Or fucking her on the backseat, but… the pregnancy would make that difficult at best. Delphine is right, Cosima realizes reluctantly breaking the kiss, she needs a bed.
The blonde is breathless when she breaks the kiss, "Upstairs, come on. It will only take a couple minutes."
The quick ride in the elevator feels longer than she wants, and she barely refrains herself from another frenzied making out session as Delphine opens her door, and locks the two of them inside. The new apartment is larger, fancier, but all she wants to look at is Delphine.
"It's safe here." Delphine tells her, hands immediately going to the hem of her shirt, lifting it up and over her head. A large black band replaces the normal waistband of her dress pants, and through it she can see Delphine's navel is already protruding. How far along is she? Cosima wonders. But the same rush of excitement runs through her, she needs her again, liquid heat pooling at the apex of her thighs.
Cosima groans, quickly removing her own clothing. She's already soaking wet, Delphine loves her, Delphine wants her. It's undeniable, even pregnant, Delphine excites her. Delphine sits on a chair she's put next to the door to remove her shoes, before pushing herself up to her feet again. Delphine watches her cautiously, before reaching for the stretchy black band and pulling it down over her belly and hips, letting it drop to the floor.
Cosima tries not to stare. What would it be like to touch her belly? To kiss along that new curve? To cup swollen breasts in her hands? Shay was wrong about one thing, there are no stretch marks, no blemishes at all. Delphine's belly is round and taut, dotted with the same beauty marks she remembers. There's a curiosity there, and an arousal, Cosima acknowledges reluctantly. But she doesn't want to think about the baby, not about the small human who is going to come between them. Doesn't want to feel it move, or be reminded of what is coming. Or its father… or any of it. She just wants Delphine.
"Cosima?" Delphine asks cautiously, stepping out of her pants, reaching her hands back to unfasten her plain black bra. Her breasts are noticeably larger, her pale pink nipples have turned to a significantly darker hue. It's different, but… Cosima doesn't care.
Cosima breathes in response, "Bedroom." She pulls Delphine into a gentler kiss, and backs her towards the open door, hoping that this is actually Delphine's bedroom. Tries to infuse all her movements with tenderness as she guides Delphine back onto the bed, ensuring there is a pillow tucked beneath the blonde's head, pulling the covers down, needing Delphine to be comfortable. Delphine squirms to remove her underwear, revealing damp curls and swollen sex.
"Cosima…" Delphine whines reaching out for her, and she cannot stop herself from kissing her again, the absolute thrill of it. Delphine's kiss. Delphine's touch. That much feels the same.
It takes her a few moments to figure out the physics of it, but Delphine is warm and needy and dripping down onto her hand. Cosima is amazed, Delphine could probably take most or all of her hand, and she's tempted to try it - if space inside Delphine wasn't at such a premium...
"Je t'aime." Delphine repeats as Cosima thrusts gently into her, leaning down awkwardly to kiss her, not wanting her own body to even skim the bump. Delphine sounds the same; same perfect noises, same sounds.
"I love you." Cosima murmurs back, "So much… oh my god…"
Gently, gently, Cosima reminds herself, just two fingers, nice and slow… she doesn't want to hurt her. She doesn't want this to end either, as soon as it's over she'll have to think again. The reality of their situation. The love bite on her neck. The baby time-bomb gestating in Delphine's uterus. She pushes the thoughts out with tender kisses, with Delphine's tongue against her own, the sweetness of her skin under her lips. She swears at one point she sees Delphine's belly move, shifting to one side. Ignoring it, she kisses Delphine again.
Cosima groans as she feels her own body tighten sympathetically, and for a moment she swears she'll crash over the edge with Delphine as inner muscles clutch at her fingers. It's surprising how fast Delphine comes, but her expressions and movements are undeniable. Delphine groans, still moving under her, hazel eyes refusing to leave her own.
She begins to gently pull out but Delphine stops her with a steady hand.
"More. I need more." Delphine begs.
She cannot help herself from groaning in response, thrusting her fingers back in, adding another soon after. Delphine wants this. She wants her. Cosima grins at the thought, slowly increasing the force behind her thrusts.
"Oui… comme ça." Delphine moans, rocking her hips up harder, grabbing her more firmly, making Cosima skim her belly with her own skin. It feels good to touch Delphine, even if she can't collapse on top of her like before.
Delphine is gorgeous, Cosima bites back the words, refusing to say them. Not like this, she tells herself.
Cosima runs from the apartment, not stopping until she finds the closest TTC subway stop. She'd left Delphine crying, naked on her bed. But how much more could she explain? She's not a parent. Not sure she even wants to be a parent. Was that what Delphine was trying to do? Get her to bond with the unborn baby? Delphine is, Cosima surmises as she quickly hops on the first train headed downtown, a package deal. But where is the father of this baby? The only person who lived in that apartment was Delphine, her clothes in the open closet, her belongings scattered around. Delphine was pregnant and alone, Cosima realizes, breathing heavily as tears stream down her face. Her fellow passengers do their best to ignore her sobbing.
She'd felt it, the baby squirming inside Delphine. So much more real than she'd wanted to believe. It was like there was a dance party in Delphine's uterus, had the baby been moving like that the whole time? Was it because they were lying down? Or having sex? Cosima shakes her head considering. The baby was half-Delphine, Cosima thinks, if they resemble Delphine… could she love it? If baby doesn't? She couldn't be an 'auntie' or 'mama's friend', there was no way around it. Step-parenting? Parenting? Could she do that? Did she even want to? Help raise Delphine's son or daughter? Would Delphine even want her to?
She tries to calm herself before heading up to Shay's apartment. It wasn't a formal arrangement, but most of her stuff was here, and she stayed over pretty much every night. Unless clone club needed her, Shay had her own thing going on and was still blissfully ignorant to that.
Shay… Cosima shakes her head, fuck. What would she tell her? Would she just know? Kick her out?
"Hey, you're really late." Shay looks up from watching television on the couch, "What… where have you been?" Her tone changes as she takes in Cosima's clothes, she'd messily dressed herself, her dreads are down and loose around her shoulders.
Cosima finds herself paralyzed momentarily, "I … I am such an asshole. I'm so sorry."
"What's going on?" Shay hops up, moving around the couch, "What is that on your neck?!" She exclaims at the sight of the large hickey not quite hidden under dreads.
"Umm.. that would be a hickey." Cosima admits readily, moving her dreads to the side so Shay could get a better look.
"I'm hoping Felix did this to you as a joke, but I'm assuming you were cheating on me."
"Yes." Cosima swallows, tears coming easily, they had never really discussed exclusivity, but she'd assumed that they were. Shay probably had as well.
"Oh fuck no… Delphine? Do you have a weird pregnant lady fetish?!" Shay makes another face and heads for the fridge.
"What are you doing?"
"Grabbing a drink, sit down. We have to talk about this." Shay shouts at her, her usual calm but assertive manner gone.
"I don't want to talk." Cosima mumbles back.
"Either we talk now, or you go shower and come right back. Because this?" Shay waves a hand between the two of them, "Is not what I signed up for. So go, wash off and then we have to decide if we move forward together, or not…"
"Break your karmic bond? Is that seriously what she wanted you to do?" Felix rolls his eyes at her as he fetches them both a drink. She'd arrived with bags of clothes in tow, knowing that Felix would still be awake.
"Yeah."
"God, Cosima, can you ever pick them. The now head-bitch of DYAD and an esoteric freak."
"Mmm." Cosima hums in response, pulling her legs to her chest, "So where's Sarah?"
"Off with Helena and her rugrat, someone has to stay with them at all times, and it's her turn."
"Has Helena finally told us his name?" Cosima brings the small glass to her lips and shoots the liquid back, it burns and she coughs for a few moments.
"Sarah said it's Ukrainian. Aleksei. She looked it up, she's calling him Alex though, which our sestra does not like. And she'll tell you."
"They doing okay?" Cosima asks, she'd been largely disinterested in Helena's child, beyond the cheek swab Sarah had managed to take and mail to her.
"They're fine. Helena's still good with him, the only danger is getting him away from her. You try, even to give the kid a bath and she scratches you… Look." Felix rolls up his sleeve, revealing scratches, "She'll let Sarah hold him for a few minutes, change his diapers, but anyone else? Watch out."
"So… do we have to hide him like Kira?"
Felix shakes his head, "You separate that baby from his mother? She'll probably kill you. And Sarah would have to go with them… so they are laying low. Least for a few more months."
"He's what? 5 months old now?" Cosima considers. Aleksei was cute, even by Sarah's description. Babies weren't so bad, but she'd never even met the kid. Alison had gone once, and never again. Only Felix and Sarah really did anything.
"Yes, but, let's get back to you. So, you fuck Delphine - which… well yeah I get that it's Delphine, but stupid move, Cos. And Shay kicks you out."
Cosima nods, "That sums it up."
"I'm starting to think pregnancy is contagious. Thank god I'm gay." Felix shudders, "Least this one isn't yours."
"Yeah. Me too." Cosima pours herself another drink, "And thanks for a place to stay."
"Fine, just don't get too comfortable. Or we'll put you on Helena-watch rotation."
Cosima laughs, "No… I don't know anything about babies."
"Well, Helena feeds him, takes care of him for the most part. I mean, once Sarah got Helena to latch him on, that was the end of it, no one else feeds that baby. You just have to watch her, and feed her. And remember that she is still a trained assassin who could kill you without hesitation."
Cosima shakes her head laughing, "No… I can't. I mean even with Delphine. I know nothing about babies. I mean… I never changed a diaper or anything. I babysat older kids as a teenager… but not babies."
"So… this is about Delphine's baby? My guess is still blackmail. Some topside higher up let her climb into his bed. That's got to be it, right?"
"Maybe. I don't know. I mean, Delphine is ambitious. A baby … It still doesn't make sense." Cosima pauses, "I felt it move Felix."
"Eww… when you were fucking her?" Felix grimaces, sticking out his tongue, "That is just...gross."
"No, after, she grabbed my hand and pressed it to her belly. Like, it's amazing she gets any sleep at all." Cosima gestures rapidly, "It was like … break-dancing in there."
"Bonding with the unborn?" Felix shakes his head, "Don't do it Cosima. We'll find you another girl. Or just a 'scratching post'."
"No. No. Absolutely not." Cosima swallows slightly, eyes welling up with tears, "Maybe… I don't know."
In her dreams now, she's fucking Delphine as she is, pregnant and needy. She fixes it in her fantasies, her dreams, she lets Delphine press her hand against the swell of her belly, feels the little one kick and dance from inside. In dreams, she takes Delphine without fear, without reservation, touching and kissing her like she wishes she had.
"Oh god… Delphine." Cosima smiles, running her hands along the firm swell, feeling a tiny foot kick her back.
"He loves you already." dream-Delphine whispers to her, "Il t'aime déjà."
"And what if it's a girl?" Cosima teases, dropping her mouth to where she last felt the tiny foot, kissing there. Listening to Delphine's contented sighs.
Delphine giggles, stroking her face, "Elle t'aime déjà."
"Do you still love me?" Cosima begs, propping herself up to hover over Delphine.
"Always." Delphine promises.
Cosima wakes next to Felix, snoring softly beside her. She considers her latest dream, she's going to have to think about this. A lot. She could be with Delphine, or try to. But does she want to? Could she deal with everything that would entail?