Chapter 25

Candlewood Suites
Watertown NY
Outside Ft. Drum Military Reservation

October 2011

"I need the school." Spencer said. He had moved away while Morgan called everyone, was sitting on a table by the window looking out at the soothing, familiar countryside.

"You need the school?" Morgan asked.

"You asked me what I needed to heal. Right now I need to feel safe. Not that I don't now, but..."

"But? Talk to me."

"I need the school. That was our private place, mine and Tally's, dedicated to our needs and our...comfort. It was a place where we could talk and think and not have to be afraid of who might overhear. JD used to sit in his truck right by the courtyard gates at the end of the day just waiting for an excuse to take his inadequacy and lack of self-esteem out on someone. You didn't dare even look up when you were around him. The school was an escape from that. I need a place like that, preferably with her in it, a place that's safe and away from...likely repercussions. That's what I need."

Morgan nodded. "I can see that. The best I can do right now is your own hotel room."

"That would be a start."

"Okay, give me a few."

Why? "Why? It's a hotel room."

Morgan grinned. "Trust me...Doc."

Doc? But Spencer wasn't going to ask. He sensed conspiracy in the air. "Does Emily still have Tally?"

"Yeah, they're giving her the medical once over."

"Is she...um..."

"No. She's not pregnant." Spencer let out a whole lot of stress on a big, deep breath. Morgan noticed. "Seems the midwives there agreed with your assessment, they were doing something to keep that from happening."

"Thank god." She wasn't going to die. His love wasn't going to die anytime soon. He hadn't killed her. That was an immense relief.

"You don't want kids?"

"I do, preferably with her. But given her stature I'd be a lot more comfortable if she had real medical care throughout the process. Not that the Midwives there haven't done their best, but..."

"I get it. All right. Just sit tight, they'll be here when they're done." Morgan headed out to do what wanted doing.

The problem was the sitting tight bit. Spencer wasn't used to being in hermetically sealed modern spaces anymore. Even in the classroom he left his door and windows open to the fresh air all day long. And everything there was handmade, or perhaps antique. The plastic, closed-in-ness of this hotel was bothering him.

So he didn't sit tight. There were trees out there, quiet green spaces just past farmland occupied by a cow from the looks of it. He found his jacket and his walking stick, stuck a note on the table that said he was going for a walk, and headed that way.

He walked over the field watched the sun move over the sky. What else did he need to heal? A place where he felt safe, safe in himself and safe with Willow. Privacy. The chance to sit with and understand his own body and his own desires again.

But he also needed to know that he would not hurt Willow in the process. He needed to help her as well. He was responsible for that, not out of obligation but out of love.

"There you are," said a familiar voice behind him.

He turned and grinned at the sight of her, so achingly familiar now in her tan dress, blue pinafore and that grey cardigan she'd made, her basket in her hands. "I needed to get out." He said.

"I don't blame you. These are very strange places." She came over and stood quite close. "Hello Professor."

"Professor?"

"We're not teachers anymore. But you are still a Professor, and I am still quite small and female so 'Professor' and 'Tally' will do." She took his hand as they ambled under the green canopy. "I know they're your family, Spencer, but I would still rather not hear my true name from anyone but you."

"That's all right Willow. We'll do as you feel best. They'll respect that."

They walked together a little while, the peace of it easing his mind again. "You were right, they did ask about consent. I assume that means you had to talk about it."

"I did. I'm sorry."

"That's all right, they asked nicely. I told them the truth."

"That's good." They walked for a few in silence. Then, "They hurt both of us you know."

"I've been trying to tell you that."

"I think I needed to hear it from someone who understands monsters to be sure I hadn't become one."

She nodded. "Understandable. But I don't feel hurt. Except..."

"Except?"

She was looking off into the distance of memory. "They had midwives there today, to see who was pregnant and to see if people were healthy. They wanted to loosen my dress, they had this thing they wanted to press against my back and chest and...I remembered how it felt, when we were there, and what JD said and I just...I couldn't do it. I don't want anyone to look at me. I couldn't even take my pinafore off." She looked up at him. "Is that what you mean? That twisted up feeling?"

"Yes." He said. "It's a way of being hurt, and not an uncommon one when this kind of thing happens. I'm sorry you feel that way." He thought of something. "Did I make you feel uncomfortable like that?"

"No, just the opposite; you made me feel safer, protected. And I never felt like you were displeased with what you saw. Which is entirely different from loving someone as a friend and spouse, isn't it."

"Never. Not at all, you are, um, very pleasing. I wanted to protect you as much as I could. I was angry at JD and the others more than anything. And I was trying to look as little as possible; I thought you'd be uncomfortable like that."

"I was." Willow looked up at him again, as if weighing the meaning of his words. "Housekeeper said that sometimes people from a place only find people from that same place pleasing to look at. JD and the others were from another place, she said people looked very different there, and that was why he said such awful things; that and being a bad person in general. But that since we were from the same place you might disagree."

"I do."

"So I don't look like some nasty, sick raggy doll?"

He was stung on her behalf. "Absolutely not." Prison might be too good for JD. "I think you're beautiful."

She gave him another of those up from the side looks and turned pink. "Good to know. And I think you're a very handsome man. I think for now I'd like to stay quite covered up unless we're very alone. I don't feel like inviting commentary on my looks like that."

It was part of their culture, he decided, like not using proper names. "What else do you want?"

"No, you next."

What did he need to feel comfortable? The best answer, he knew, was the one that came right off the top, before he could overthink it. "I need control." He said. "They made us take these pills that made us lose control of our bodies. I need to never do that again." So help him unless he shut down completely he was never going near the stuff. "It might take time for me to figure out how without them though. If you still want to I mean?"

"Plant a baby? Yes, of course."

Uhhh... "Thing is, there are ways of doing that without actually planting a baby. People do that just because they enjoy it."

"Really? Even better. I'd like to have a chance to learn more before I have to confine myself with a baby." Willow gave him another of those looks. "But I do like the way you feel. I think I might miss that part tonight."

Spencer stopped walking and blinked at her a long moment, "Really?"

"Really. Once I could block out everyone else but you that was starting to feel quite pleasant."

He might not need as long to recover as he thought. "We can work with that."

"But not the way we did."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't want to feel too small anymore, especially not then."

"Too small?"

"Yes. Maybe I'm spoiled because everything in the school fit me, and my chair in the eating hall was built for me and my bunk as well. I felt so small and helpless in the barn, and I was always so afraid I was going to put a wrist out hanging on to the wall, I don't want to feel like that again."

Spencer shook his head. "You won't." He said. "At least not in any place I can control. I'll do what I can to make our home fit both of us." And to ever keep her from feeling helpless and vulnerable again.

Willow beamed up at him. "Thank you. That would be a huge help. Your turn again."

"I need to know I can call for help should someone like JD or even the Masters cross our path again." He needed the team, his friends, his family, around him. He had missed them so. Their walk had taken them through the grove of trees and back around to the field by the hotel again. He heard someone hail and looked up to see Morgan and Emily waiving for his attention. "But it looks like that is going to be taken care of now."

"Oh excellent!"