The Beach House – Chapter Four - Stay
McKinley High, Lima, Ohio – 2011
Blaine was in the auditorium. He had just gotten through the first night of West Side Story, but the bitter taste in his mouth after the fight with Kurt the night before was still there.
They had taken up Sebastian's offer to get them into Scandals. Blaine knew that Kurt didn't want to go – but Kurt accepted Seb's offer and they found themselves at Scandals the next night, fake IDs in hand.
Entering the club, Kurt felt dirty. The place was in need of a few days with a scrub brush and a gallon or two of bleach. The patrons of the bar left a bit to be desired in terms of cleanliness, too.
Sebastian was waiting at the bar with drinks: a beer for Blaine and a Shirley Temple with extra cherries for Kurt. After a few sips, Blaine was feeling loose and loving and lightheaded. Kurt didn't drink any alcohol, so he was just unhappy.
Sebastian asked Blaine to dance and gave Kurt a haughty look as he led the dapper young man out on the dance floor. Kurt was torn between following and grabbing his boyfriend back or staying at the bar to look as if he knew there was nothing to worry about. Kurt ended up in the very worst position: Sebastian was dancing very close to his boyfriend, hands on Blaine's hips as they shook and swayed to the music. To make things worse yet, Kurt heard a voice next to him.
"Better watch your boyfriend."
Kurt glanced up to see Dave Karofsky sitting next to him.
Surprisingly, Dave was not such a bad companion. They spoke about several things, and Kurt was interested in what the man had to say. He was glad Dave was getting along now, that he had come to accept himself. When they came to the end of the current song and a new one started, Kurt gathered his courage and charged onto the dance floor. Nobody was taking Blaine away from him, and certainly not that meerkat-in-disguise Sebastian.
Kurt shoved the weasel away with his hip as he faced Blaine and began dancing very close. Sebastian took the hint and backed away. Kurt got very close to Blaine, letting the boy put his hands on Kurt's hips as they swayed together. If he was apprehensive at first, Kurt warmed up to the dancing quickly. Blaine was pulling him closer, kissing his sensitive neck and nuzzling him with his nose while he whispered sweet things into Kurt's ear. It was overwhelming and Kurt was feeling things he had never felt before. Things that scared him.
"Blaine, we need to get home. My dad..." Kurt said, wanting to stay and grind his body next to Blaine's as he saw the two men next to them doing the same. He knew he couldn't do that, not yet, so he asked Blaine to take him home.
"Okay, Babe, we can go," Blaine agreed. Sebastian was in the men's room, so Kurt took advantage of that and herded Blaine out the door. In the parking lot, Blaine was rambling on about living at Scandals and making art and so on about a Utopian society while Kurt steered him to the car. Blaine got in the back seat, but pulled Kurt in on top of him. After a brief struggle, Blaine's anger peaked and he tried to convince Kurt to have sex with him in the back seat.
"I know you wanted a meadow of lilacs with Sting playing in the background, but it's about us - can't we just do it here?" Blaine asked.
"You're right, it' is about us and that's why I don't want to do it when you've spent half the night dancing with another guy and that you're sober enough to remember it the next day!" Kurt shouted, anger seething from him.
"Why are you yelling at me?" Blaine asked, incredulous.
"Because I've never felt less like being intimate with someone and either you can't tell or you just don't care."
Blaine walked home that night. He wanted to call Kurt, to apologize, but he just couldn't face his boyfriend being disappointed in him. Kurt's anger was slow to build and even slower to come to a head – but when he finally had enough it was like being run over by a freight train. It was fear of Kurt's wrath that finally kept Blaine from contacting him.
All day Saturday Blaine kept to himself in his room. His parents were busy – they had left for Florida a few days before, his dad was now at a golf game with a business associate and his mother was with her friends discussing a charity ball she was planning. The house stayed empty and quiet. The only one home to listen to Blaine's woes was his Golden Retriever, Kodi, short for Kodiak, who sat with his head on Blaine's knee as the boy tried not to shed tears over his colossal mistake.
Blaine had considered staying home and calling Artie to ask him to put the understudy in, but a lifetime of living up to his obligations pushed him to get dressed and drive to McKinley. At the very least, he owed it to Rachel to be there for her.
Getting in his car, which magically appeared in his driveway despite the fact that he left it in the parking lot at Scandals with Kurt, he drove to McKinley and went in to have his makeup done.
Blaine was waiting while Rachel helped put on his foundation make-up, thinking that Kurt had probably driven his car to his house and then Finn or someone had given Kurt a ride home. Even angry, Kurt was a gentleman.
Walking across the stage before the performance, he caught a glimpse of Kurt out of the corner of his eye. His boyfriend looked preoccupied, not answering when Tina asked him a question and when the whole group gathered to give Artie a bouquet of roses in appreciation, Kurt wasn't to be found.
During the play, Blaine gazed out to the audience before remembering his parents were in Florida this weekend. They were planning on being back before the last performance on Sunday night, so at least they would see him.
The play went well. Blaine kept his head in the moment, not daring to think about Kurt or he would forget his lines. He was worried up until Kurt came on the stage, killing with his part of Officer Krupke. Blaine thought his own performance had gone well – except for one of the leaps. He just couldn't seem to land it, so after the auditorium cleared out, after all of his friends went to toast Artie in the after party, he stayed behind to work on his leap.
Standing on the stage, the house lights the only illumination in the large auditorium, he heard someone walking backstage. He turned to see Kurt standing, looking at him.
"Shouldn't you be celebrating?" Kurt asked.
"I'm going over this move, I messed it up tonight," Blaine said, daring to glance once more at the boy he'd given his heart to. It hurt more than he thought it would.
They stood, resorting to small talk of how the play had gone. Kurt mentioned all of Blaine's friends had been there – the Warblers. Sebastian. Blaine sighed. Here it was again, something to stab him in the heart. He couldn't take this, he had to do something to bring Kurt back to him. He cursed Sebastian silently, swallowing before he could force words past his lips. He looked up at Kurt.
"Come here," he asked. "Give me your hand. Hold it to your heart," he directed his boyfriend, taking his hand and placing it over his heart. "Kurt, Sebastian doesn't mean anything to me. And you were right, our first time shouldn't be anything like that. I was drunk and...I'm sorry."
Kurt looked into Blaine's eyes, feeling the strong message that he wanted to convey. His golden eyes were like molten lava and mesmerized Kurt.
"It sure beats the last time you were drunk and made out with Rachel," Kurt said to keep them from getting too serious, to keep them from hurting each other. He was very afraid, but he couldn't let Blaine see that.
"But I'm sorry, too. I wanted to be your Gay Bar Super Star, but try as I might, I'm still just a lame romantic," Kurt confessed, trying to make a joke of it. Blaine could read through that effort, he could see how much he'd hurt his boyfriend and he needed to make up for that.
Blaine moved forward quickly, taking Kurt's ever-so-kissable lips and giving him a kiss to let him know just how sorry he was, just how much he wanted to make up and just how in love with Kurt he was.
Kurt reluctantly pulled back. "You take my breath away."
Blaine's heart soared when he heard those words, but Kurt wasn't finished.
"And not just now, but tonight on that stage, I am so proud to be with you."
The tears were in Blaine's voice as he spoke, "I want you to be."
They stood there, just smiling at each other, both feeling the joy of reconciliation. Blaine spoke first: "Artie is having an after party at Breadsticks. Will you do me the honor of accompanying me?"
"No." Kurt said and Blaine's heart went through the floor. Before he could even react, Kurt went on: "I want to go to your house."
Blaine could hardly draw another breath. Kurt knew his parents were not home, that they weren't coming home until the next evening.
That was the night that Blaine and Kurt fell so much in love that they never thought it would end. They made love, bonded together, made a union that was to last forever. It was the best night of both of their lives.
Kurt's Apartment, Washington Heights, New York City, 2022
The two men were still sitting in Kurt's bedroom. Little Daniel was still asleep on the sofa, covered up with a blanket and probably out for the night. Kurt's cat, Piers, was curled up next to him.
Blaine's words were burning in Kurt's mind.
"Kurt, when I left you all I wanted to do was die."
He knew how that felt. There were nights after Blaine left him that he wanted to die, too. If it hadn't been for his father, he might have taken that step.
"Blaine, I understand – I do. Things between us? – they were bad. I was denying to myself that anything was wrong. I did all the wrong things. I wish we had the chance to talk it over back then, maybe make mutual decisions about what to do to mend it, but..." Kurt couldn't think of anything to say that didn't put all the blame on him, and that wasn't going to do either of them any good.
Blaine sat silently looking at Kurt. He knew in his heart that it was his fault, but admitting it did nothing to make this better. He put his head down once again.
"Blaine? Is there a chance – just a small, tiny chance that somewhere in your heart you might forgive me?" Kurt asked.
Blaine's head went up abruptly. "Forgive you? Oh, Kurt, I forgave you years ago. I forgave you as soon as it happened. I left because I couldn't forgive myself. I was toxic to you, so I ran away."
"Can I ask – where did you go? I looked for you, I called everyone I knew," Kurt said, looking even more forlorn than he had earlier.
"I hired some guys to move my stuff to a storage unit, then I bought a ticket to LA. I was probably on the plane before you were home," Blaine said.
"Cooper."
"Yes, I ran to my big brother. I stayed there for a few years, finished college, got a few jobs singing. Four years ago I came back to New York. That's when I decided I would never get married. I didn't think I would be a good husband to anyone, so I stopped looking. Then I got Daniel...he has been the bright spot in all of this," Blaine said, his face breaking out in a smile as he thought about his son.
"I can understand that. I've only known him for a few hours and I'm completely charmed by him," Kurt grinned, but then he realized what he'd said and the smile left his face.
"You are?" Blaine asked, curious. He could tell that Kurt meant it, that he was captivated by the little boy.
They sat silently for a few minutes, both trying to think of what to say next.
"Have you ever thought of having a child?" Blaine asked.
"Do you really want to know?" Kurt shot back, feeling hurt again. They had talked of having a child together, maybe one child from each of them biologically.
"Of course, I asked, didn't I?" Blaine said softly, wondering if he had hit a sore spot again.
"Then yes. Ever since I've known you, Blaine, I wanted to marry you - and part of that dream was that we would have babies. We would be a family with three or four children, a house in the country, dogs and horses...the American Dream. I guess I forgot how much that meant to me after you left." Kurt said it all quickly, then regretted it. He looked away, studying the fish swimming in the tank against the wall. Why couldn't he keep his mouth shut? What right did he have to dump that on Blaine? He was suddenly ashamed of himself, and so inside his own head that he almost missed what Blaine whispered.
"I dreamed that, too."
Silence filled the room like fog settling over the shore on a cool morning. Neither man dared look at the other in the face of the last confessions. Kurt finally gathered his courage.
"You know I called Cooper – to ask if he knew where you were. You were right there with him, weren't you?" Kurt accused, but without venom.
"Yes. I was just hurting so badly, and Cooper was afraid for me. I didn't tell him the details and he didn't ask – but he knew I'd left you. He lied to you to protect me, so please don't be angry with him," Blaine asked.
"I'm not. I understand. I called him several times over the next six months. I even called your father after that."
"You're kidding!" Blaine gasped in surprise. He had stopped talking to his father a year before he and Kurt broke up. Blaine's parents had a messy divorce and then his mother was killed in an auto accident.
"He said he didn't even know we had broken up. He sounded genuinely confused, so I never called him again. Do you talk to him now?" Kurt asked.
"Only at Christmas. I'm not angry with him any more, he's an old man and I don't think he remembers things very well any more. I quit fighting with him years ago, but we don't stay in touch. How is Burt?"
"He's fine. He and Carole are still living in the same house. Dad opened another tire store, and he still does mechanical work at the first store. Puck works for him since he got out of the Air Force. He and Lauren have twin sons. I still keep in touch with some of the New Directions," Kurt said. "Finn and Rachel are married, still living here in New York. Finn is a school counselor and Rachel teaches voice in a private studio."
"That's nice. I am still friends with Trent, Jeff, and Nicky. Trent lives here in New York – he owns an art gallery in the Village. Jeff and Nicky have an album coming out next year. They are in LA with their band, but they come to visit here several times a year. Wes became a doctor – no surprise – and is still in Ohio. I try to keep up with the gang when I can," Blaine said.
They sat quietly again. It was getting harder to talk, trying to come up with neutral subjects.
Bedford-Stuyvesant, New York City - 2014
It was the first day of living in their new apartment. Kurt had been so exuberant that he scooped Blaine up and carried him through the front door, stopping to try and slide it shut behind him, and went on through into the bedroom where he set Blaine on the bed.
"Hey, I almost dropped you, Babe!" Kurt giggled.
Blaine reached up to grab his hand and pulled Kurt down on top of him. Kurt's smile could outshine the sun that day. Here he was in his own apartment with his boyfriend and this wonderful life laid out in front of them. He knew all of their detractors were wrong. They weren't too young, they were meant to be together forever.
He settled his weight on Blaine, scooting so his legs were between Blaine's and kissed his boyfriend deep and long. He could feel Blaine arching up to meet him, their bodies accustomed to this dance. Kurt finished the kiss, reluctantly pulling away and then gasping as Blaine kissed his neck, sucking gently as he pushed his hips forward to grind against Kurt.
They celebrated this new privacy – there had been so little of it at the dorm where they shared their suite with two other students.
"I can kiss you any time I like now," Kurt said, kissing Blaine all over his beautiful face to prove it. "And we can be intimate any day of the week without having to hang one of our ties on the door," he said, kissing Blaine again. Yes, they were going to enjoy this apartment.
It was just a few moments later when they both sat up, removing every stitch of clothing and coming together with the heat of their bodies guiding them.
"Blaine..." Kurt moaned, loving the feel of his boyfriend's warm skin as it slid along his own. They had been intimate for a while now. What began the night of Blaine's debut in West Side Story had progressed to the two getting together every time they could find privacy, anywhere they could find it. It was amazing that their parents hadn't walked in on them.
Then when they were in college, they tried to find privacy in a crowded city, in a crowded dorm building. This apartment of their own was going to be something beautiful.
It was nine or ten months later when the fighting began. At first it was just a few little annoyances – they had grown up in very different circumstances and trying to make those mesh was not easy. Blaine hadn't had to let anyone know his whereabouts, there was rarely anyone home to care. Kurt had grown up being accountable for his every move, letting his dad know where he was, what he was doing, when he'd be home.
Then there was the issue of money. Money, or the lack of money, had been hard in their new circumstance. Blaine had been on a budget since junior high. With his parents rarely home, he had to do his own shopping for groceries, for clothing, and paying the utility bills on time. With Kurt, Burt had always taken care of that, so sticking to a budget was foreign territory for the sheltered boy. They didn't share a vision, and they had no frame of reference to talk about it. No wonder they failed each other.
Kurt's Apartment, Washington Heights, New York City – 2022
"I don't know where to go from here, Kurt. We lost ourselves in front of the theatre that day, and I don't know if we can find us again," Blaine lamented, blinking his eyes. They had it all for a while. Then, with the snap of fate's fingers, it was gone.
"Is it too late, Blaine? Is it worth trying again?" Kurt asked, afraid to look into his ex-boyfriend's eyes.
Blaine sat for a while. He thought about Kurt and everything they had back then. Could he risk what he had now to try to regain what he'd lost? His eyes clouded over, unwanted tears stinging the backs of his eyes.
The bottom line for him could be summed up in one statement: Kurt had been the one thing he had run towards when he met him, the one thing he didn't run away from in a lifetime of running away. Until he ran away from Kurt that fateful night - and that was the very biggest mistake of his life.
"I better get home. The weather looks worse now than when I came. Daniel's clothes are probably dry?" he asked.
"Blaine, it wouldn't be good to take your son out in this weather. It's dark and cold on the street. Stay the night. You can go home in the morning when the rain is gone. It's the only sensible thing to do and you know it," Kurt reasoned.
He was well aware that Blaine had not answered his question.
"Okay," Blaine finally agreed. He really didn't want to take Daniel out in the cold and wet night. The boy was sensitive when it came to his lungs. He caught every cold that went around and he'd already had pneumonia three times in his young life.
"Here, I can scare up something for you to sleep in. No point in ruining your nice clothes," Kurt offered. He went to his dresser and found a pair of flannel pajamas that Carole had given him for Christmas. He handed them to Blaine, then got out a clean towel and washcloth, handing them to him and directing him towards the bathroom.
"Go ahead and get ready for bed. I just need to clean up the kitchen and jot down some notes in the office," Kurt said, leaving Blaine in the bedroom. He took his own pajamas and went to the guest bath to change.
Blaine felt dead on his feet. He hadn't really done much today, he'd been anxious when the rain began to fall. He'd always abhorred thunderstorms and was a bit worried this would turn into one. He got in the shower and quickly washed, loving the memories that came bursting into his head as he smelled the shampoo Kurt had used since high school. It was the quintessential scent that shouted Kurt's name to him, a scent of carnations and sage that he had given Kurt as a gift. Kurt had loved it so much he'd never switched to another scent.
Sudsing up the washcloth, Blaine scrubbed off the smell of New York City. He could never get used to it – the smell that permeated this entire city. He'd always been fastidious, but here in New York that had just increased over the years.
Finally happy with the shower, Blaine got out to dry off and get into the flannel pajamas. They were warm and hugged his shoulders a bit too much, but were comfortable enough. He sat on the bed, noticing that Kurt had changed the linen while he was in the shower.
"Blaine, are you done?" Kurt called through the door.
"Yeah, just got the pajamas on. Thank you for your kindness," Blaine said and Kurt rolled his eyes to himself.
"Can I come in?"
"Of course." Blaine sat up straighter and looked as Kurt came through the door, his back towards him. He was confused for a moment until Kurt turned around. He was carrying a tray with two mugs, steam coming from them, and a plate of doughnuts. Blaine could smell the cinnamon coming from the warm pastry and it made his mouth water.
"I was thinking, if you're not too sleepy that maybe we could have a snack before bed? Maybe watch a movie?" Kurt asked shyly. He looked to Blaine as if he might shrink inside himself he was so hesitant to suggest this. Was this hesitation and shyness what he had done to Kurt? Blaine was ashamed of himself.
"Oh, that sounds great. I'd really like that..." Blaine said, scooting so his back was against the pile of pillows by the headboard. He patted the space beside him, hoping Kurt would join him. He saw the hesitance in Kurt's movements and tried to smile a welcome.
"For old times' sake?" he asked, hoping his sincerity would work. It did. Kurt sat on the bed next to Blaine, the tray on the bed between them. The mugs of hot cocoa with whipped cream an invitation to relax and enjoy.
Kurt flipped through the available movies on his Netflix and when he heard Blaine gasp quietly, he chose that movie. It was an old one, they had watched "Casa Blanca" numerous times when they were together.
"Did you make these?" Blaine asked, indicating the doughnuts.
"Yeah, I like to bake when the weather is bad. With all the rain this week, I ended up baking several days. I remembered you love cinnamon, so I picked these instead of the brownies," Kurt said. Blaine grinned.
They ate and watched the movie in silence, each catching a glimpse of the other from time to time. It felt almost like old times. Almost.
Blaine certainly looked happy now. He was still as beautiful as he had been the first time Kurt had seen him on the staircase at Dalton. Movie star handsome with his thick silky curls tamed into a perfect style to match his prep-school image. Kurt closed his eyes for a moment, thinking back on that day. He saw this gorgeous guy, who stopped and introduced himself, then took Kurt's hand and pulled him from one life into another and nothing had been the same since. Nothing.
The movie was about half over when Kurt got the courage to ask.
"You know, you didn't answer my question earlier...do you forgive me for all the damage I did to our relationship?"
"But I did. I forgave you right after I ran. I was on the airplane and headed to LA. I wanted to turn back, to run back. It was the worst moment of my entire life. I'm sorry, Kurt. I'm sorry I wasn't the man you thought I was, I'm sorry I couldn't be what you needed." He wiped his hands across his eyes, embarrassed to be shedding tears over something from so long ago.
"Blaine, I think you need to forgive yourself."
Kurt sat and just gazed at Blaine's face, noting the red puffy eyes, the worn look that he got when he was tired. It shocked Kurt for a moment. Not the way Blaine looked, but the fact that he hadn't changed over the years.
Blaine was still once more, and Kurt could swear he heard the gears turning in his brain. He wanted so much, things he had been denied for so long. Could they reconnect now? Would Blaine even want that?