Don't be afraid.
He makes it sound so easy. I wish it was.
My phone rings, snapping me out of my usual pessimistic thoughts as I lay, freshly awoken. Another notification from Katrina reminding me we have Psych 101 to catch bright and early tomorrow morning.
"Uugh girl, can't you ever cut me a break from thinking about school? Or responsibilities in general?.." I mumble, turning my head to my alarm clock. It reads five forty-seven. Ungodly. I would have had a whole 'nother hour and some odd minutes.. If it weren't for my best friend's unbearable morning person influence that has only gotten worse since we started college together.
I sigh starring up at my ceiling painted to resemble outer space, not like my dreams have brought me much peace lately anyhow. I sit up and hang my legs off the edge of my bed, finally pushing myself to start my day as my bare feet meet the cold wooden floors.
It's my freshman year of college in Superior, Wisconsin. My first time on my own, in my own apartment, and my first time on campus as of eventually-O'clock tomorrow. I walk slowly over to the bathroom to hop in the shower, I plan to steam my stress away.
Standing under the shower head and turning the water on I let it fall as hot as I'm able to stand, running my hands through my waist-long black hair.
God it feels good, it's too bad after twenty measly minutes I have to get out. As soon as I do the thoughts come racing back, I can never turn them off for long it seems. Lucky I get to meet up with the best distraction to ever happen in an hour.
After my eternally inconsistent morning routine I head out the door of my two story apartment. I recall the pain in the ass move up here a few months ago during summer. I always romanticized the idea of a second floor apartment, until I had to move my stuff up these impossibly narrow stairs. Now I have to walk up and down them every time I leave or enter, but I try to think of the exercise I'm getting from it that my downstairs neighbors aren't.
I get in my car and pull out of the parking lot blasting some rock, I wonder how he's doing today.
I get to his apartment in record time, seven minutes isn't bad. I knock on the door and smile as I hear him stir from just around the corner in the dinning area, he was waiting for me. He opens the door and my smile fades, he never ceases to take my breath away.
"James." My smile returns as we hug like mad, two twenty year old lovers excited for our first steps into the real world. Excited that we get to take them together.
"Hey baby." He kisses me, lingering a little too long. In the corner of my eye I see his adjacent neighbor exit his abode, and stops to eye us in the doorway. He clearly wants us to "get a room". I roll my eyes. James must feel his glare as he pulls me in, maneuvering himself onto the side of the door, laughing, and kicks the door shut behind our interlocked forms. He pushes me towards his couch and we fall together, laughing in between our kisses.
I don't want to stop, but James breaks our contact at last to speak.
"So," He breathes. I already know what's coming.
"Did you pick yet?" I let out a heavy sigh, unintentionally avoiding eye contact with him. I don't know what to say, well I do, but he won't be happy to hear it.
"Saliene, you're going to have to face this eventually, why not just get it over with?"
"I can't. I just can't pick a major, I can't even decide my minor, babe. How am I supposed to pick something I want to dedicate the most important years of my life to studying, mastering, when I feel no passion towards anything anymore?" I try not to get emotional, not this early. Not today, not in front of my poor boyfriend that's had to hear this spheil far too many times. He sighs audibly and I try not to let it bother me.
"I mean.. The only thing I feel strongly about anymore is, you. And unfortunately there's no major for "extremely sexy genius boyfriends"." He doesn't even try to smile at my attempt at humor.
"What about all your art? You spent years teaching yourself how to draw, something I'll never be able to do. You should utilize those skills and turn them into profit. Even if not in the monetary sense, it would give you something to focus on."
"That's.. It's just not enough anymore. I can't even draw what I want to anymore. I learned how to draw because I wanted to bring the imgaes in my head into reality but... There's nothing I see in my mind that I would want any other person to have to see. And, even if there was, I wouldn't be able to draw it anyways. And before you say something like, "Well that just gives you motivation to learn how to draw those things too" it doesn't. It just adds to my frustration. I look at a blank piece of paper and instead of ideas I get feelings of despair, hopelessness. I feel like I am that piece of paper, just wanting someone to bring out the image I am destined to display to the world.. but no one can seem to figure out what that image is. Babe, I want things to get better, I thought they would at this point. I always do. I thought it would get better when I finally got my diploma, I thought it again when I got my first shitty job, I thought it yet again when I moved into-"
"Sweet heart you're spiraling, take a breath."
"I don't want to take a breath babe! I feel like I'm drowning. Do you know what happens when you try to take a breath underwater? You just drown faster." I don't mean to be so difficult, especially not with James. He doesn't need this, he has his own problems.
"The point is it always comes back to this, and I don't know what to do about it anymore but, I'm sick of pretending like any milestones are going to erase it. Even if I did figure out my major, so what? When the time comes I'll lose my passion for whatever it would be, too. Just like everything else." Silence. The sort that scares you. I break it.
"I.. I hope none of this makes you feel insecure, about us. The feeling of hope I get when I think at least through this.. all I have you, well... That is one thing I know will never change, I will never lose my love for you. I'm sorry if this, dealing with me, makes you feel uncertain sometimes. I know it would mak-" He cuts me off abruptly, practically smashing his lips into mine. I almost fight it but, I can't.
His lips to mine make me melt every time. I let him melt me down, drown out my sorrow. Pulling back, I stare him in his bright, knowledgeable green eyes. His finger comes towards my face, and I'm confused until I feel it wipe away a tear I didn't even feel cascade down my cheek.
"Sometimes, you know I seriously wish you came with a manual, or something. Even just a check list would've been nice." He smiles thinly and I try to laugh.
"Look, tonight is supposed to be about you. It's supposed to be a celebration, come on." As much as I want to fight that logic, and I would any other day but.. I can't. Not today.
"Okay, but you better promise this will be the night of my life."
"Oh, it will be. Now let's get out of here and grab some breakfast so you can get me to work and we can get you off to Katrina to pick out that dress."
I pull up to James' office after we hit a cafe together. He never ceases to look amazing in a suit, I feel like a school girl looking at him.
"I'll see you tonight at nine P.M. when I pick you up then, right?" I smirk at him. James laughs as he gets out from the passenger side, I follow as he comes around to my side of the car.
"Yup.." He trails, kissing me. Man I don't want to leave him, but if I make Katrina wait she'll have my head.
I get out of my car in the parking lot of my local mall, striding towards the East entrance as quick as possible. I just want to go in, find a dress, get out and relax with Katrina before I pretty much say good-bye forever to any shreds of my childhood. Time to grow up, but not until after tonight.
"Hey! Finally you made it, slowpoke." Katrina calls out to me from out from a bench under a tree, near the fountains. She has a grin I couldn't wipe off if I tried. I see her bright, chin-length red hair flowing round her hazel eyes. My hair, being much longer, gets whipped about me in the wind, which manages to push me around a little. It's not like I weigh much for a 20 year old girl, if I weighed any less the wind would have it's way with me.
"Hey bestie, so what painstaking tour of clothing stores have you planned for this fine morning?" She laughs me off as we walk up the hill to the entrance.
"You can stand to act even a little more enthused. And lucky for your sassy ass I've only planned a single store for us to check out, you know the one."
"Royal Pain?" She giggles in response as we're blasted by the air conditioning, entering the building.
"Figures you'd pick the store that represents your current demeanor."
We enter the store, and as per usual it's filled with my most favorite styles. It always brings a smile to my face to see Victorian era clashing with modern designs in a positive way, for once. Nothing in here is cheesy, lame, over done, or washed out. It is as glorious as it was in it's hay-day, only transferred to fit more modern tastes.
If only it didn't all cost an arm and a leg, looks like I'll be pushing my luck to find a whole outfit, might be settling for a dress alone. Katrina browses around some shoes, I'm betting with her fashion addiction she already has her outfit picked out, but she can't resist the temptation of at least looking. But I know she's doing more, she's considering.
I try not to laugh and I keep shuffling through all the clearance dresses, wondering why I think I'll find something fitting from last season when I know it's too cold for short anything. Even with the party indoors, in a crowded bar. I don't want something to the floor, but something that not any drunk guy can pretend to fall and take a peek under would be great.
I give up on the idea of saving my wallet and mosey over to the newest selects, telling myself I will not look at any tags until I find one I like. If I do. Even at your favorite store, you're not guaranteed to find a hit. I run my hand over the fabrics, I sift around in the different color sections, going from black, to white, to blue, to purple, yet nothing seems good enough.
Not for my twenty-first birthday, if I have one excuse to waste on looking my best in my life, it's this one day I'll never get back.
Then I see it, the dress. It's light material hangs a couple inches off the floor, strapless, decolletage neck line with a corset, all in a deep wine red. I don't stop to let myself think I just yank out the tag. I cringe. OWCH.. This is going to hurt but, it must be done. Katrina seems to somehow notice my cringing and finally breaks from her trance and walks over to me, I'm now holding the dress and wondering if it's worth not eating for a week, or if I should care about that right now. I can pretty much hear Katrina smile.
"I see you found the dress, so what's the hold up?" I turn to her and furrow my brows.
"It's perfect, and I may die of hunger because of this choice but, I'm buying the dress, damnit." She perks up noticeably.
"YES, awesome! I won't even ask how much it was, so as to make this very difficult choice easier for you." We laugh at my moronic decisions as we approach the counter, handing the dress to the checkout girl she smiles wide, she must know this is the last one on the rack.
"Cash of credit?" She asks, but before I can state my preference of cash, Katrina reaches over me and swipes her card. It pings and the transaction goes through, the clerk smiles at my best friends kindness. I look at her, amused and.. only a little hurt in the pride.
"Don't give me those sad little kitty eyes Sally, today's your birthday! This may not be the only thing I'm getting you but, you deserve something nice, and new, without having to starve for it."
"Thanks, Kat. You complete me."
"Well if you're going to be showing me up, your party or not, I might as well help you do it right."