Alex lay in her bed for a long time, staring at the wall. Her mind was mercifully empty. She had a pounding headache, but she would take that over the endless thoughts that usually occupied her brain. She could hear Olivia getting ready in the bathroom, and she listened as the woman went about her routine. Olivia followed her morning routine with almost military precision: first she woke up, had a coffee, showered, put on her bra and panties, brushed her teeth, combed her hair, applied light make up, and then she would finish getting dressed. Dressing was always the last thing that she did. Alex used to tease her about it, telling her that she would probably work in her underwear if she had been allowed to. Olivia would joke back and say that she would never, because then Alex would become too distracted.
If Alex had been capable of smiling that morning, she would have when she thought of that memory. It always brought a smile to her lips, thinking of the banter they shared. Now, she just felt empty. She didn't even feel sad anymore. She had cried herself raw last night, and she could still feel the ache in her throat and in her chest. She didn't have the energy to face the woman right now, so she waited until she heard the front door close before she got up. As she made her way down the hall, she thought she heard the car start, so she turned and headed to the spare room. She looked out the window and saw Olivia leave with the vehicle. Alex felt relieved. She hoped the brunette would be gone for at least a couple of hours. It would give her some much needed space.
She turned and headed back to the bathroom, where she spent the next twenty minutes simply standing under the spray of the hot shower. She let the water run over her body, trying to cleanse herself of everything that had transpired over the last twenty four hours. She stared at the bottom of the tub, watching the flow of water disappear down the drain, relieved that her brain was blissfully empty. She finally turned off the shower when the water started to cool down, standing there naked for a minute before finally reaching for her towel. She dried herself off and made her way to the bedroom, where she chose the simple, white boho dress she bought yesterday. She then slid on her underwear and grabbed the first book she saw on her bookshelf: Jane Eyre. She made her way downstairs to the kitchen, where she briefly considered making herself something to eat. She hadn't eaten since lunchtime yesterday, but she didn't feel hungry. In fact, she didn't really feel anything. Instead, she went out the backdoor and walked down to the beach, looking for a place to sit. She walked until she found a rock peeking out of the water, its surface large enough that she would be able to sit on it. It was only a few feet in, so she hiked up her dress and waded over until she had reached her destination.
She climbed up, sitting down on the flattest part, and dropped her feet and calves into the water. It was beautiful out, and although the sun was beating down on her, the water was cool enough to keep her from getting overheated. She glanced back at the house, but the driveway was still empty. She sighed and turned around, not sure why she cared if Olivia was home or not. It wasn't like she was going to speak to her. She wasn't sure if she would ever want to speak to her again. Not while she felt like this anyway. The emptiness she felt was still laced with strings of hurt, a feeling she wasn't sure she'd ever be able to shake off. She had tried to be angry, and it had worked for a while yesterday, but the hurt she had suppressed quickly resurfaced. It was easy for her to get angry when the hurt she felt wasn't that great. Now though, it was all-consuming.
She sighed and turned to the book, opening it up on the first page. She started reading, forcing herself to pay attention to the story. It was an older version of the book, and there were no footnotes to explain some of the more antiquated terms. Regardless, she had always enjoyed this book, maybe because she identified with Jane and her mistreatment at the boarding school. Alex's own schooling at been similar: she had been sent to a live-in private school when she was eight and had been forced to stay there until she was sixteen. She finally left in grade 11, when she could no longer stand the stifling environment. Her last two years of high school were spent in public school and they had been the most freeing years of her life. She did miss some things about private school, such as the hot lunches and her incredible law classes, but the benefits of public school far outweighed the few of private school.
Alex read until her back ached from being hunched over. She closed the book, noting that she was on chapter XV, the part where Jane saves Mr. Rochester from the fire in his bed. She would get back to that later. She hadn't read this book since college, and she had forgotten how much she liked it. She sighed and stretched her back, glancing once again at the house. This time, she spotted their familiar black vehicle in the driveway. She wondered briefly where Olivia had gone, but quickly decided she didn't care. It didn't matter anyway.
Alex hiked up her dress once again and waded back to shore. She slowly made her way back to the house, wiping her feet on the grass before walking up the steps to the kitchen door. She could hear the sound of a saw somewhere from the front of the house, so she followed it until she saw Olivia hunched over, drilling into the front door. She frowned, wondering what the woman was doing. When the brunette finally stopped drilling, she looked up and smiled at Alex.
"Hi," Olivia said gently. "You look really nice." And she meant it. The dress looked great on Alex. But then again, she looked good in pretty much anything.
"What are you doing?" Alex had planned on keeping to herself and staying in her room, but given that Olivia was sawing through their front door, she wanted to know why.
"I'm installing deadbolts on the front and back doors. These will prevent anyone from kicking in the doors and getting into the house. I already added extra window locks on all the windows on the main floor and this," she said, getting up and walking to the new keypad on the wall, "is our new security system. Come here, I'll show you how to set it up."
Alex took a few steps forward, getting close enough to see what Olivia would do, but not near close enough to touch her.
"You just hit this button here when you leave in the morning. You have ten seconds to get out of the house before the alarm goes off. When you get home, it's the same thing: you have ten seconds to shut off the alarm. To turn it off, you press this button, put in the code, and then press this "home" button again. At night, we'll hit this button here before we go to sleep. It's easy to use, that's why I got it."
"And what's the code?"
"It's 0921."
Alex paused, trying to find something to associate those numbers to. She remembered numbers better if she had something to remember them by. 09-21… No one's phone number ended with those digits and they weren't anyone's address. What was that on the calendar? September 21st?
Her breath caught in her throat. September 21st : their anniversary. The day Alex had broken down and finally confessed her feelings for Olivia; the day that Olivia told her she returned those feelings wholeheartedly and then kissed her for the first time. It was no coincidence. Olivia chose those numbers for a reason.
Damn you for reminding me of what I can't have.
Alex refused to let the sadness she felt in her heart show on her face. She let out a curt "okay" and then made her way upstairs, where she closed her door and flung herself down on her bed. She pulled her pillow close, holding it tight, fighting with every ounce of her being the desire to break down and cry. She wouldn't let Olivia make her cry again. She bit her lip and stared at the wall, listening to the faint sounds of Olivia's tools against the door. They served as a good distraction from the pain in her chest. She desperately wanted to reach out the brunette, to let Olivia comfort her, but her pride wouldn't let her. Olivia had pushed her away yesterday. She couldn't let her do that again.
When the noise stopped, she listened as Olivia dragged her things to the back of the house, presumably to the kitchen. Alex could no longer hear her working, so she turned, and that's when she noticed the giant television hanging from her wall.
"What the-"
Alex immediately bolted up in bed, staring at the screen. That had not been there last night.
"You were busy today, Olivia," she mumbled to herself. She got up off the bed and walked over, noticing the DVD player on the dresser right under the tv. There was also the first two seasons of Sex in the City sitting on top of the DVD player. The show had been her guilty pleasure in New York. She reached for the folded piece of paper sitting on the side of the dresser and flipped it open.
A thank you for all the clothes. Now you can stay in and watch Sex in the City all day.
She had mentioned once to Olivia that she would like to get a tv in her room so that she could sit in bed all day and watch nothing but Sex in the City. She couldn't believe the woman remembered. She had said it once. Alex herself had forgotten about it until this very moment.
Olivia was a romantic at heart, while Alex was not. It was part of the reason the blonde loved her so much. Olivia did things that were incredibly sweet without even trying. Those gestures came naturally to her, and she reminded Alex all the time how much she loved her. Alex did nice things for Olivia as well, but she was not the crazy romantic that the brunette was. It took effort to try and do something special, but Olivia did it naturally. And she did it often. She was always bringing her flowers or writing her little notes. She had quickly wedged her way into Alex's heart, a feat not many had ever succeeded in doing.
Alex sighed, turning to sit on the edge of the bed. She was torn between her feelings. She hated Olivia for pushing her away and she wanted nothing more than to punish her for hurting her. But, Olivia was obviously trying; she was reaching out. Her heart told her to be patient. Olivia was confused, and she wasn't doing this to hurt her. She was doing this because she truly believed this was best. But Alex was angry and hurt that she'd just decide how things would go without even discussing it with her. She had wanted to punish Olivia, push her away until the brunette was hurting too. She knew it was childish, but she didn't care. It wasn't fair. She knew she should probably talk to Olivia, she couldn't very well ignore her forever, but she didn't feel ready yet. She was still hurting too much.
The sound of her stomach grumbling was enough to break her thoughts. She was quickly reminded that she hadn't eaten anything in nearly 24 hours, but Olivia was currently working in the kitchen. She still didn't really feel like facing her, but she had to eat. So, Alex got up and made her way downstairs, deciding that she would at least be civil.
She found Olivia in the middle of attaching the deadbolt, having already drilled the hole in the door.
"Hey," the brunette said, once again smiling at her.
"Hi," Alex responded, but she kept the coolness from her voice this time. She offered a small smile back before turning to the fridge. She had decided on the way down to make herself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, her favourite comfort food. It had been her favourite ever since she was a kid.
Olivia continued working in silence, not wanting to push the blonde. She knew that Alex was hurting, that she was upset, and that she needed space. She wanted to comfort her, but she had made a choice, and she had to live with the consequences. She figured Alex would ignore her, or at least keep her distance, for the next few days at least, if not longer. The blonde didn't do well with hurt, and she knew that the woman was hurting deeply. It would take her a while to deal with her emotions. Olivia was fine with giving her space, she knew that Alex needed it, but she would make sure to let the woman know that she was still here, that she still cared. That was why she chose the gift that she chose; she knew the thoughtful gift she had left up in Alex's room would remind the blonde that even though they couldn't be together, she still cared about her. Hell, she still loved her deeply, and that was why she was distancing herself. She had to.
"Thanks, by the way," Alex said softly. "For upstairs."
Olivia hid her surprise at hearing Alex speak to her. She hadn't expected that, but she nodded in acknowledgement.
"If you have any issues with it…"
"Thanks," she said sincerely.
With that, Alex turned and headed back to her room.