I sigh before I answer. "I just-" I stop myself. I'm not sure how he's going to react to this. It's not like I'm a drug addict or something, but part of my brain was begging me to keep it inside, to lie. I can't tell him. He'll see me differently, he'll hate me for lying, he'll be mad at me and I can't take it when he's mad.
I just go with the first thing that pops into my head. "Before I met you…" I start. Ashton immediately goes stiff, not knowing what to think of the situation. He remains quiet and I continue. "You know I wasn't originally an Ashton girl." I approach the conversation a little differently, hopefully convicing him. He nods. "That's changed completely now. I can't imagine being with anyone else, but…" I explain to him, unsure if he's buying it or not.
"But what?" He finally speaks up.
I hesitate again. I don't know! I'm thinking on my feet! I just need to make this convicing, he needs to believe me. I have a feeling he knew what I was going to say. I just hate having to use this as a way out. I want to tell him. I want to come clean, but... I don't know. This was a touchy topic and has been ever since we started dating, and we just started getting back to our usual selves, I don't want to ruin it with one stupid, cover-up lie.
"You know I was more of a Luke girl at the time, right?" God this is the worst possible explanation ever. His muscles loosen as he relaxes and licks his lips. His eyes are calm, happy almost, as if he didn't care, as if it didn't bother him.
"Yeah." Is all he says. I look down guiltily and sniff a couple of times to sell the story. Looks like high school drama actually paid off for once. I look back up and try to stop myself from looking him in the eyes, because I know he'll know I'm lying if I look at him.
"Well, when you first asked me out on a date," I look back at my hands, god this is stupid. "I kind of wanted it to be him to be asking me." I look back at him and he rubs my hands, smiling at me. Why is he smiling? Ok, more convincing! "But that was months ago! I can't even imagine what my life would have been without you! I can't even imagine being with him instead! I promise it was just naïve me being a selfish jerk." I look at him, worried that he would see right through the lie. Well, it was kind of a lie. What I was telling him was true but not what I really wanted to be telling him.
He just chuckles and strokes my cheek with his hand. "It's ok." I try to look shocked, as if I was expecting a different reaction. Then again, I wasn't expecting him to just be completely ok with it. "I mean, it's not like you still feel this way right?" He grins at me, raising an eyebrow.
"Well…" I say, messing with him a little. He hits me on the arm lightly.
"That's not even close to funny." He says seriously but jokingly at the same time. We laugh a little until he continues to talk. "Well, that wasn't too bad. I guess we-"
"That's not it." I cut him off, the smiles from both our faces fading. I need to tell him.
"Oh. Well, what else is there?" The mood in the room suddenly drops to an all-time low. Fuck. I can't tell him. What will he think of me? But what else is there to tell him? I can't think of anything else! I look down and start fidgeting with my hands, I guess we both do that when we're nervous.
He grabs my hands and pulls them from my lap. I can't tell him. "Babe? What is it? What's wrong?" My heart jumps a little when he calls me that. He pulls me towards him, into his chest and wraps his arms around me. "What's wrong? You can tell me." He says seriously.
I pull back and wipe my eyes, trying to 'compose' myself. "It's nothing serious, I was just..." I pause. I sniff one more time to get my point across and start again. "Ever since that interview where we cleared up the whole 'me and Luke' thing, I was grateful that you guys put so much effort into making me feel safe and at home."
He holds my hands tightly and draws circles on the back of them with his thumbs. "We're always here for you Dani, especially me."
I smile at his reply and continue. "I know," I sniff, "and I couldn't have asked for anyone better but," I pause, my smile fading, "since the interview I've been checking the internet to see how people were reacting…" I trail off.
"Oh God. Dani, why'd you do that? I told you not to." He gives me a pitiful look and I immediately felt like a child when my parents were giving me the whole 'I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed' talk. Jesus, I didn't think he'd take this one so seriously.
"I'm sorry ok? I just, I wanted to know if people believed it!" I 'get' exasperated as he pulls me back in. "But they didn't, not all of them." I say quietly into his chest.
He kisses my head. "I know. I was hoping you wouldn't see it. I don't know what else to do, I've explained to every fan we've met. Some of them believe me, some of them don't." He tries to explain to me. He's too sweet.
I sit on the bed in his arms for a moment before I finish your 'story'. "Remember when I went shopping in Vegas and you went out with the guys?" He nods. "This girl came up to me and started asking these questions, some of them were pretty rude but the one that got me was when she said, "Are you really dating Luke?"" I pause. This art was true. At least not everything was a lie. "I wanted to scream at her. I wanted to set her straight but I knew it would back-fire on you so I stopped myself." He strokes my hair telling me to continue. "I tried explaining to her that it was a mix-up by the press. She nodded and walked away but I heard her whisper to her friend." I stop.
"What- what did she say?" He asks carefully, not sure it was 'safe' to do so.
"Slut." I whisper. This time, letting the emotions flow through me. I start feeling the tears roll down my face. I never thought that I'd be the one to be so affected by this. It's just, none of them know who I am, yet they hate me. What have I done wrong?
He wipes the tears from my eyes and pecks my lips. I look back down, hoping to hide my red eyes and smudged make-up form him, but he just lifts my face up with his finger.
"They don't know what they're saying. They're just basing their opinions on what they hear on the internet. Just know, those who don't believe us are just saying that because they're jealous of us. They're jealous that we're happy and they're jealous that we're in love. I know the truth. I know you, the real you. And I couldn't have fallen for a more perfect girl." I smile and kiss him. How could I not after what he had just said?
His thumb gently strokes my cheeks as we kiss and the butterflies in my stomach return. I pull away and smile lightly at him. "Is that true?" I ask him.
"What?"
"That we're happy? That we're in love."
He looks at me, glancing down at my lips and back up at my eyes. "I don't know, you tell me."
I smile a little, "Yes."
*** The Next Morning ***
I open my eyes only to be blinded by a beam of sun shine filtering through the curtains. I lift my head from Ashton's chest and realize that we must have fallen asleep in our clothes, not to mention we were both still over the covers. After last night and the conversations we had, Ash and I must've been too tired to get into bed.
I smile looking at him, I'm happy that he was sleeping, he needs it. NO matter what he says, he was exhausted last night. He looked so peaceful, so innocent. If someone were to walk in and see him sleeping right now, they'd never guess the things he's been through these past couple of months. His eyes were closed but I could still imagine their hazel colour contrasting his sharp features. They were almost like a beacon to me, whenever I was feeling lost, I could always look into them, and somehow, I could find my way. I guess that's what scared me most about becoming distant. I became lost, but then again, so did he. I couldn't find my beacon. It was as if it had been put out by an unexpected gust of wind. But now, now it was coming back and I could see the light again, shining brighter than before.
I run my fingers through his fair, twirling bits and pieces through my fingers. It was weird how all my life I could live without a person and then suddenly, can't imagine my life without them.
There's a knock at the door. I panic momentarily; I was worried it was going to wake Ashton. I didn't want him to wake up as it was only 8 A.M. Not to mention the fact that he had been restless for so many nights. Luckily he was still fast asleep.
I tip toe towards the door and look through the peep hole to see Luke. I slowly open the door, careful to make sure it doesn't make a sound and slide my body through it, leaning the door against its' frame behind me. "Sorry, Ashton's still sleeping and I didn't want to wake him up, he hasn't been sleeping well." I say whispering.
"Oh, okay then I'll just come back later." Luke says, turning around and walking away.
"Wait, Luke" I say causing him to turn his head back to face me.
"Yeah?" He asks.
"Why did Ashton tell you about that phone call he got that night we were on the beach before he told me?" I ask, like Luke would know the answer to that, but it was worth a shot asking him.
Luke's face becomes red again, just like it did last night, and he rubs the sides of his legs with his hands. "I...I really don't know the answer to that." he says nervously.
"It's okay. I guess it doesn't matter, but I just don't understand who would do something like that. He didn't tell me everything they said but it was enough to make me believe that whoever did this must be-" I stop because I knew if I continued I would get emotional. I just shake my head. "Do you need to talk to Ashton?" I ask him, changing the subject.
"Yeah I kind of do, but it's okay it's not that important. I can wait. But also can you remind him he has a writing session before the show tonight with Calum at 3?" Luke says.
"No." I say sternly. Luke looks at me confused, holding his breath. "I'm just kidding Luke, of course I'll tell him." I say laughing a bit. I decided it was important to stop not being happy whenever I was around Luke. The truth of the matter is that I can't change the past and I know he didn't mean for any of this to happen. He deserves better than the way I've been treating him.
Luke lets out a sigh of relief and grins. "Good one." He says, laughing uneasily as he turns around and walks down the hallway. Huh.
I turn around and put my hand on the door knob to open the door, but it doesn't budge. Shit. The door must've slammed closed behind me and I genius-ly didn't have a room key. I didn't want to wake Ashton so I guess it's a good thing I fell asleep in my clothes. Luckily this was a hotel and getting a room key was an easy fix.
I go down to the lobby and go to the front desk. "Hi, I'm really sorry but I'm in room 707 and I got locked out. Do you think you could make a new room key please?" I ask politely.
"Of course Ma'am what is the last name of the room?" The man asks me.
"It should just be under the name 5 Seconds of Summer: rooms 710 and 707." I reply.
"Thank you ma'am, just give me one moment." he says as he takes out a plastic card and puts it into one of those special devices. After a few seconds he hands me the card.
"Thank you so much." I say relieved, as I walk to the buffet breakfast they had laid out. I really wasn't that hungry but I grabbed a few pieces of fruit and some yoghurt cups to bring back up the room for later.
I get back up to the room and see a pair of ripped skinny jeans lying on the floor with a band shirt thrown lazily on top. At first I was confused until I saw a little lump in the bed with messy curls sticking out from under the covers. I set the food down on the bedside table and slide underneath the blankets, wrapping my arms around his body. He was warm, unusually warm. He tries to grab my hand, but I pull it away and push him so that he's lying on his back. I take the back of my hand and place it on his forehead.
"What are you doing?" He says with a raspy voice.
"You're hot"
"Oh, why thank you." He replies cheekily, smirking at me.
I shake my head. "You feel hot Ash, I think you might have a fever." I say worryingly.
He closes his eyes and swallows. "I'm fine." he says back.
"Ashton please, you're burning up. This is what happens when you don't get enough sleep." I say as I take my shirt off so I can pat the sweat away from his forehead.
He gives me a cheeky smile and he puts his hand to my cheek. "I should get sick more often." He says giving me a silly grin. I just roll my eyes and smile.
"You're funny." I say.
"I have a writing session and then a show, do you think I'll be okay by then doc?" He asks, a bit more seriously.
I giggle a little. "I think so, as long as you stay in bed until you have to leave with Calum." I say.
"Will you stay with me?" He whines.
"I will, but first I have to go to the drugstore and get you something to suppress your symptoms." I say, getting up before he grabs my arm and pulls me back down onto the bed.
"Why do I need anything, I'm just fine. You're my cure." He says cheekily, pouting his lips.
"Because real medicine will make you feel better. And if you rest then you'll feel a lot better. So I am going to go." I say smiling and get up from the bed. "And you should try to get some more sleep, ok?" He nods in response.
I throw on the shirt that was lying on the ground, because I didn't want to put mine back on for obvious reasons, and I wasn't bothered to have to sift through my suitcase to find another one to wear. His was huge on me, but I don't really care, it's just a walk down the street.
I grab my phone and my purse and walk over to Ashton's side of the bed, pulling the covers back over him. His eyes are already closed as I lean down and kiss his forehead.
"I'll be right back." I whisper.