Secrets
Juliet
When Juliet was younger she'd had a recurring dream. It wasn't all that frequent, every couple of months, but it was so vivid that there wasn't one detail of it that she had forgotten. She hadn't had it since she moved to California.
She dreamt that she was watching TV, listening to the radio, checking something on her laptop, whichever, there was always an emergency weather warning. Some imminent storm. Ed was asleep and drunk in his armchair, Carol was upstairs crying, they never saw it. She would gather Sophia and a few things they might need and take her down to their cellar. Sometimes, if she was speaking to Carol at the time she dreamt it she'd get her too. More often than not she left her there and woke up feeling guilty about it. Either way, she'd hold her little sister close while their house was ripped up off its foundations. She'd always be the first one up when it sounded like it had stopped and the dream would end with her looking around the ruins of her house. There was nothing subtle about it.
But the night she fell asleep at Daryl's bedside, it was different. The same dream, only when she saw the weather warning she went down to the cellar by herself. When she realised she'd left Sophia behind she flew back upstairs, but the house was already gone.
She woke up and stopped herself from screaming.
The light was still on in the room, and moving up from the position she'd gone to sleep in she saw Daryl looking at her curiously. She smiled weakly at him.
"You okay?" he asked her. She nodded quickly.
"Just a bad dream." She looked up and realised it was still dark outside. She rubbed her eyes.
"The usual?"
"No. Something new." She didn't offer details and he didn't press her for them. "My neck hurts. I'm gonna go see if there's space for me in the RV." Daryl rolled his eyes.
"Just sleep on the bed. It's big enough." She didn't look sure. "I won't say anythin'."
"I'm not worried about gossip. I might roll in to you and spilt all your stitches."
"I'll be fine." She only hesitated a moment before she climbed up on to the bed and lay very close to the edge. She used the blanket he'd obviously put over her instead of getting under the covers with him. That would have made this all far more uncomfortable, as if it wasn't already. "I don't fuckin' bite."
"Oh, I'm sorry, would you rather I was practically lying on top of you?" He rolled his eyes. "I really am worried I'm gonna hurt you, and it's better on the edge than in the damn chair."
"Stop, okay, I'm fine. Besides, you're probably gonna fall out if you stay there." She wanted to protest but it was probably true. She sighed and moved an inch or so towards the middle.
"You gonna stop complaining now?"
"Yes. So shut up and go to sleep."
"Firstly, please goes a long way. Secondly, you shut up and turn the light out so I can sleep. Please."
He laughed, obliged, and was asleep within five minutes. She lay awake. The sound of him breathing was comforting; it assured her that he was still alive. The moment Rick had said his name kept replaying in her heart, and her stomach lurched every time it did, like she might suddenly arrive back at that moment and he'd say he hadn't died, he was so sorry. Every time she thought it she had to keep from reaching over to check he was still there. Eventually she did, her fingers just brushing over his. She left her hand there to remind herself he was still there, and relieved by that, she was finally able to sleep.
The next few days passed in exactly the way she expected them to. Every morning, Daryl swore he'd get out and start looking for Sophia again, and every morning, Hershel wouldn't let him, and Daryl was too smart to argue. She was then paired with anyone else who'd have her for the searches, which rarely lasted more than a morning. Everyone was out of stamina. No-one believed they were going to find anything anymore, not even a body. They kept going out of obligation to Carol. Juliet wanted nothing more than just to stop. She surprised herself by enjoying the day she went out with Shane the most, they both thought it was pointless that day more than any other, it was too hot to walk anywhere and they didn't have the energy or resolve to look properly, and after an hour they ended up in some old house and had a beer together. It was flat and disgusting, but they seemed to have agreed to a silent truce, which pleased her. She used to like him, she hoped she might again.
Carol spoke to her more, not a lot, but the occasional conversation. It was enough. They had dinner alone together one night in the RV and ended up recounting memories of Sophia. They spoke like she was dead, and neither of them mentioned it or stopped when they realised.
The rest of her time was divided between Daryl and Beth. She read to Daryl and recounted her days searching with various people and Daryl complained about how bored he was holed up in bed. Sometimes they drank together. She spoke to Beth about her life before all this, and she was always open, but Juliet never returned that openness. She always ended up sleeping in one of their rooms, and had set up beds for herself on both of their floors, though she tended to fall asleep lying on the bed with Beth talking and in the armchair Hershel had moved in to Daryl's room for her when he realised how much time she was spending in there.
It was a while before anything changed.
"I'm going out today." Daryl said firmly, as he had most mornings.
"No, not today. Tomorrow though. Just hold on until tomorrow." Hershel said. "You've healed well, but there's no harm in making sure." Daryl looked happier than he had done in days, and Juliet gave him a reassuring smile.
"See? You can stop complaining now."
"Juliet, Rick wanted to see you before you head out today, he's over in camp with everyone else."
"I'll go now. Have a fun day!" she said to Daryl, smirking. He glared at her.
"Leave that book, would you? Nothin' else for me to do." She smiled and handed him it. She'd started reading him The Help the night before and it had been the one he seemed to have enjoyed the most of all the ones she'd selected for him. She'd commented on how ironic that was considering what a racist asshole his brother was, and to his credit he'd laughed and agreed.
"I'll come and see you when I get back." She always did.
She stopped in to the kitchen to say hi to Maggie and Hershel on her way out, and they asked her the usual obligatory 'how are you' as well as telling her to say hi to Carol for them both before she left to find Rick. Those in the house had been in minimal contact with their camp since what Beth had told her had been 'a very awkward dinner'.
This was why she was surprised to see Beth and Patricia out at camp with the others. Beth waved her over excitedly, but she was ambushed by Rick on her way there.
"We're going to have a day or so of teaching everyone to shoot, get them up to speed in case things go badly." he told her in answer to a question she hadn't asked. "I know it's a long shot, because you're gonna want to go out searching, but I wanted to ask you if you'd like to come." She went to decline but he backtracked before she could. "I mean, not as a student, come and help us teach. You're good, you've learnt fast. We could use your help." Juliet was pleasantly taken aback by this.
"Okay, yeah. I think… Yeah. Don't tell Daryl. As far as he's concerned I was out looking all day."
"Yes ma'am."
"Genuinely though, thank you for thinking of me. I'd like to help everyone else." And it made her feel important to be asked, but she wasn't a child so saying that aloud was not something she would allow herself to do. She was also sold on helping because maybe, if she was vigilant, she could help to stop Andrea nearly killing someone by accident again. That seemed reason enough for her to go.
"Actually, it was Shane who suggested you help us. He said you weren't really feeling up to searching yesterday, thought you might benefit from a day off. Besides, we can both see how good you are. Daryl taught you well. You might even get better than him with practice."
"God, I hope so. That would be hilarious. It was a nice trade off, him teaching me to shoot. He taught me not to fire the bullet in to my foot, I taught him some complicated new words."
"Sounds fair. We're going to head out now, if you're ready." As Rick was speaking Beth bounded over in her typical way.
"Hi! How are you? How's Daryl? Is he better yet? Daddy said he would be soon, today or tomorrow, is that true? Are you comin' with us?" Her rapid questions when she hadn't seen Juliet in a few hours were typical and Juliet was used to them enough now that she was fond of how exuberant she was, even in the morning.
"Hey! Fine, fine, nearly, yes, and yes." Juliet answered all her questions in turn, quick-fire, in an amused imitation of her new friend. Beth always seemed satisfied with that.
"Are you and Patricia ready?" Rick asked Beth. She nodded excitedly.
"We're so glad y'all are teachin' us, we just wanna be useful if we need to be. Plus feeding the chickens is getting' a little repetitive, we need something new to do." Juliet nodded understandingly. Beth and Patricia, and Maggie to her credit, had offered to come out looking for Sophia several times over their course at the farm. Hershel hadn't allowed it, so this would be the first time Juliet saw either of them deviating from the monotonous chores around the farm.
"This is definitely a lot different to feeding chickens." Rick assured her with a smirk. That didn't faze Beth, rather excited her. Juliet was a little apprehensive of putting a gun in the hand of someone who looked so gleeful about it, but she didn't say so. She tended to put anything which might be construed as criticism of Beth to the back of her mind and never speak it aloud. It was too much like kicking a puppy that was already down.
It took a while before the group was fully assembled – at least half an hour – but eventually they were on their way. They didn't walk far, just far enough that the sound of gunshots weren't going to bring hell down on the farm. Beth talked the whole way. Juliet remembered all the walks she had taken with Amy into the woods back at their old camp when they were done with all their chores and needed some time away from everyone else and she felt suddenly very dizzy. She didn't speak for a little while after that, and Beth noticed. She stayed quiet too until Juliet was ready to speak again, which was both a relief because she needed the silence, and made her miss Amy's relentless babble which would stop for no man, situation, or walker.
She wished she'd taught Amy to shoot a gun, or gone with her, or insisted she take a weapon with her, but seriously, what kind of world was it where a person couldn't go to the bathroom without dying? She should have been fine.
Then again, so should Sophia. Really, there were no 'shoulds' anymore. Anything was fair game.
That was a slightly terrifying thought, which she did her best to ignore. She was able to once she was fully in the swing of teaching. Being in command had a tendency to occupy her mind.
Beth
It was fair to say, Beth was not a natural at pointing and shooting a gun. She was easily distracted and according to Juliet she kept locking her arms, which was not helping her. Still, she kept trying, and her effort was commendable according to Rick. Juliet had a different outlook on things, and out of the three teachers she was the only one who would not indulge Beth in a conversation when she passed, merely critiqued her stance or technique and helped her rectify the issue. Beth knew she wasn't doing it to be mean deliberately, she was doing the same with everyone else, and actually, she was the most helpful to have there.
When Beth was left alone she looked to Andrea to see if she was doing it correctly. She was easily the most adept of the trainees.
"Yeah, but none of you shot anyone." Juliet pointed out loudly when Beth told her this. She did so with a smile on her face and no hint of malice to her voice. Andrea heard and laughed, albeit a little nervously.
"I said sorry for that."
"Not enough. Aim a little higher, you're going to miss the mark." Juliet said, barely even looking at what she was doing. Andrea did as she was told and hit the can she was aiming at straight on. Juliet moved on to Patricia who was slightly better than Beth, though not much.
"You two are okay?" Beth asked quietly, not wanting to be overheard.
"We're fine. It worried her, and she doesn't like outward bursts of emotion. Not with Daryl, she prefers pretending she's cool about it." Beth had noticed this. "Daryl's the same about her though. Neither of them can stand the idea of the other knowing they care. It's sweet really. She's not as good as him though. I mean, look at this, she's more pissed than her boyfriend about this accident, I swear to god. That doesn't scream of not caring."
"Are they actually together?" Beth asked, confused. She had never quite been sure. Andrea laughed in a way that slightly made her regret asking.
"No, they're far too stubborn for that. Don't say I said that. She'll kill me, if he doesn't first."
"Or maybe she just wants to be by herself." Her sister would say that Beth was projecting by saying that, but she was pretty sure she wasn't. Okay, maybe a little. She was so sick of Jimmy being there all the time, and she couldn't talk to anyone about it. Even Juliet had shrugged, expressed how glad she was that she wasn't stuck with the guy she'd been seeing when she was seventeen and told her that there wasn't much she could do about it. Maggie had sighed and called it an 'off patch' and said that they'd be fine again in no time. Beth wasn't sure she wanted to be.
"Beth, leave her alone. We're supposed to be concentrating." Jimmy warned her, like he'd heard her internal monologue and wanted to punish her for thinking what she did by reminding her how close he really was. She sighed, squared her shoulders, and shot the gun she held, hitting the glass bottle dead centre.
"Show off!" Juliet shouted from down the line where she was showing Lori how to load more bullets in to her gun. Beth giggled, smiling gleefully. She'd hit one before Jimmy had, and though it was a small victory, it was a victory nonetheless. Actually all the women seemed to be doing better than Jimmy, which was probably less a comment on their abilities and more on his lack thereof.
"Nice shot, Beth." Shane said from behind her. "You need to try and take less time to perfect your stance before you shoot – out there you're never going to have time to do it like you are now, but you should be proud of your progress."
Beth got in three more shots before they all had to leave, still in the progress of aiming quickly and hitting the mark. Rick promised her they'd have more lessons in a couple of days and that she'd be a pro in no time.
"How long did it take you to get good?" she asked Juliet curiously on their way back.
"Daryl called it 'intensive training', just an hour or so every couple of days for a few weeks to make sure I didn't forget how things worked. I'm not as good as him, or Shane and Rick for that matter, but they've been pro's for years. I can hit moving targets no problem now which definitely works to my advantage because relying on someone else to defend you through this is a bad idea, and I'm not too good with a knife yet. I think we're going to work on that when he's up and about."
"He could help us all with knives too." Beth suggested.
"I don't know… I mean, you know what he's like, he'd probably hate that. But I'll talk to him, see what I can do. Shane and Rick could probably teach you that anyway, they're not quite as good but they'll be a lot more patient with everyone." Beth got the feeling that Juliet probably didn't want to learn with the group either. She knew that she hated people seeing her as anything less than utterly brilliant at everything. Beth had grown out of that. It was the only way she'd identified that she was more mature than Juliet.
Another small, unspoken victory.
"Rick, hey, I'm gonna branch off this way, search for a couple of hours." Juliet announced when they had stopped for a few minutes so everyone could have some water. They weren't too far from the farm. "Just so, you know, I've done something today."
"Okay, you want me with you?" Rick asked her. She shook her head.
"I'm fine on my own." she insisted, in a typically polite, not too forceful way.
"You sound like Daryl." Juliet didn't offer a verbal response, simply rolled her eyes.
"Can I come?" Beth asked. Juliet looked at Rick.
"Would your father be good with that?" Rick asked her. They both knew the answer full well, him asking was pointless.
"No, but I really want to help and I don't want to go back home just yet and you could tell him that Juliet's out givin' me some extra trainin', like Shane is with Andrea."
"I'm not sure that's all Shane's doing with Andrea." She heard Juliet mutter under her breath. Rick either didn't hear or ignored her.
"You'll keep her safe?" Rick pressed Juliet.
"Scouts honour, she'll come back alive with no chunks of flesh missing." Rick winced, and Juliet gave a little smirk. "What? It's better than me promising she'll come back with chunks of flesh missing." It was Beth who winced this time. Juliet noticed and looked moderately sorry she'd spoken. "I'll keep you safe, don't worry. We won't stay out long."
"Do not tell Daryl I let you go with someone who can't shoot."
"Jesus, why the hell does everyone think he'll care? He doesn't give a shit who I'm out with, all he cares about is me being out looking. He'd probably be glad if I died like that, he doesn't even believe that I'm going out anymore, he thinks I'm sitting in the garden for hours and just saying that I did. At least that would be proof. Probably a relief for the rest of the damn group too." She sounded very bitter. Beth didn't understand why. Neither she or Rick responded. "Okay, yeah, sorry I said that." She didn't sound sorry at all. Rick looked like he was about to speak. "If you're opening your mouth to tell me how much the group would miss me if I was gone, save it. I just… No. Let's go, Beth." She got up and started walking.
"That went in a bad direction. Have fun with her like this." Lori said, obviously having overheard. Beth smiled weakly and got up, hurrying off after her. "She does like a dramatic exit."
"Leave her be, Lori." Was the last Beth heard before she was too far for more. She didn't know Lori well enough to judge whether she would leave it alone or make snide remarks the rest of the way back to camp.
Beth caught up easily enough and was met by a smile and silence. The latter continued for about five minutes before she broke the silence, unable to help herself when she saw a little rabbit run across their path. Juliet agreed it was adorable, but commented with a smile that if Daryl was there he would most likely take it back to make a stew with, Beth laughed even though it was a horrible thought and then it stopped being awkward.
It was actually a pleasant couple of hours apart from the slightly vacant look she noticed Juliet got in her eyes every time she remembered why they were out there, and the look in her eyes when they agreed it was time to head back and they found nothing. Beth attempted to distract her with a Disney themed sing-a-long, which while smiling and shaking her head in a slightly patronising way she declared 'ridiculous' and refused to say anything for a minute and a half while Beth sung before she joined in happily with 'I'll Make a Man Out of You'.
They got back just as the sun was setting, and headed straight inside. Everyone was sitting around having dinner and the pair joined them. Conversation was pleasant, and she avoided meeting her father's eyes until she was washing up and he cornered her.
"I don't want you going out like that again." Hershel said abruptly. Beth sighed, and continued scrubbing the plate she was holding.
"I was perfectly safe, and I wanted to help. It was basically extra training."
"Beth, I know you want to help, but you don't know this missing girl. It's not worth risking your life for, not this late in the search when she's so unlikely to show up." Beth pursed her lips. She knew to pick her battles with her father, and she'd picked one earlier about gun training. She was never going to win this one, not after the morning. "They know what they're doing, they don't need your help."
"I was fine-"
"You might not have been. Juliet thinks she's very capable, and to her credit she is but she only learnt to shoot a month ago. It's not worth you dying over." She opened her mouth to argue. "No, Beth, I am not going to have this argument. You let them search if they have to, let them run this into the ground all they want, but you do not offer to go out again." She let her frustration with this be known by slamming the plate down on to the draining board, drying her hands on a cloth and marching out, flying up the stairs. Let him do the work for a change. She was done.
She almost collided with Juliet at the top who had been walking up a lot slower than she had. The other girl laughed good-naturedly and ran one hand through her hair.
"Were you looking for me?" Beth asked her with a furrowed brow. She realised it was a stupid question as soon as she'd asked it, Juliet was carrying a tray up with a meal on it and besides, she knew she was downstairs and she probably didn't have a lot to talk to her about after spending the day with her.
"Uh… No. I was just bringing Daryl dinner." She nodded down to the tray.
"Sorry. Obviously. You staying with me tonight?" She sounded almost jealous, and she didn't mean to. She'd never really liked her very close friends having other people they preferred spending time with to her.
"If you like. I'll spend half an hour with him then I need an early night." She didn't say goodbye as she carried on walking, and skilfully but gently kicked open the door to Daryl's temporary room.
She couldn't say why she did it, but as soon as she'd shut it, Beth was sat on the floor with her ear to the door. Maggie was taking a walk with Glenn, Patricia was already in bed, and her father would be down finishing the washing up she'd left, then reading on the couch until the small hours. No-one to catch her. She wasn't even sure what she was doing herself.
"…fuckin' chicken pie again." Daryl finished a sentence she hadn't heard the beginning of. Juliet laughed, and Beth assumed from the slight creak that she had positioned herself in her usual way, cross-legged at the bottom of the bed. "Get off my damn bed."
"It's not your bed." She heard Juliet pointing out. "It's Hershel's, and it's way comfier than the chair. And stop complaining about the pie, it's a damn sight better than another casserole. It's the apocalypse, I think variety is the last thing on anyone's mind."
"Not mine. Y'all got me on lockdown here, ain't much else to think about."
"Stop complaining."
"I like the casserole anyway." Daryl grumbled. He sounded like he had a mouth full of food. Juliet laughed loudly.
"Bullshit. You're just looking to disagree with me." Daryl grunted in what Beth wasn't sure was affirmation or denial. Juliet laughed again. "That does remind me though, when we were out today, Beth saw this rabbit and I mentioned that you eat them and you should have seen the look she gave me, like she thought I was the fucking bunny grim reaper, it was hilarious."
"You should let her watch me skin one, see how she takes that." Beth winced at just the thought.
"Be nice to her."
"What? That is nice. It'd be like, teaching her to eat." Nothing was said, but she assumed Juliet was sighing in there. "Searchin' turned up nothin', huh?"
"Just like yesterday."
"You didn't even look yesterday, Rick told me when he got back."
"Turning up nothing is beginning to wear pretty thin. I couldn't deal with it yesterday. I thought I was going to do the same today, but I ended up spending most of the afternoon out looking with Beth so I don't want to hear shit from you."
"With Beth?" Silence for a moment. "How was she meant to keep you safe?"
"She wasn't, I was keeping her safe. I can take care of myself, you know that."
"Yeah, yourself, not someone else. What if something had happened to either of you?"
"It didn't, so it doesn't matter. God you sound like Shane right now."
"I don't."
"Pass me a cigarette." The conversation paused, a drawer opened and shut and a lighter clicked. Beth hadn't realised that Juliet smoked. She obviously didn't do it very often, or around people who might notice. She'd have to remember to pilfer some of Jimmy's stash to give to her later. "You do, being all judgy all of a sudden. I thought you'd be on my side."
"You know I am, when you're out by yourself or with someone more capable. She'll get you killed."
"That's not fair. You should have seen her at gun training today. She could potentially be really good." She kept pausing between sentences, Beth assumed so she could take drags of her smoke.
"But she isn't yet."
"She'll never get good if we don't give her a chance."
"Give her a chance with someone else she can get killed."
"Aww, would you miss me?"
"No, Carol would."
"That's low, and simply not true. You definitely would, and Carol wouldn't care."
"Are you talkin' to her currently?"
"On and off. She's pissed off that I haven't sacrificed myself to the devil to find Sophia or whatever she assumes I should have done already. I swear, she acts like she thinks I'm not finding her on purpose, she's driving me crazy when she speaks to me and crazier when she doesn't." If it was Beth she would have tried harder to sort things out with her mother, but it wasn't. When she'd asked Juliet about her relationship with Carol she just shook her head and said she didn't want to talk about it. She hoped that when they did find Sophia – because unlike her father, Beth believed that they would find her – Juliet might try and repair things with Carol. She didn't like to see families so distant from each other. "She was good after you brought her that flower, do that again."
"I thought we agreed you weren't gonna mention that."
"We agreed I wasn't allowed to tease you about it, this isn't teasing. I'm asking you seriously."
"I'll think about it. Don't want anyone to think I'm too nice."
"Apart from me."
"I'm tryin' hard to get you not to think that either."
Juliet laughed as the front door opened, and Beth jumped to her feet and went down to greet Maggie. She wasn't smiling. Maggie wasn't either, which confused her. She always was after she saw Glenn, she couldn't understand why she wouldn't be.
"First fight." Maggie said by way of explanation when Beth gave her a questioning look. She didn't look as though she was fully lying, so Beth assumed there was a lot more to the story she was keeping to herself. "I'm going to bed, you probably should too. You've had a long day with gun training and being out there looking for that kid." She lowered her voice. "How was that, by the way?"
"We didn't find anything, but it was less morbid than I thought it would be."
"You going again tomorrow?"
"Daddy won't let me."
"Want me to talk to him?" Beth looked at her sister to try and gauge whether she was sincere or not. She nodded when she decided she was offering genuinely. "Okay, I will in the morning. I know you want to help your friend. It's good of you to want to help them, we should be encouraging this."
"Thanks. I'm gonna… You're right, I need to sleep." Maggie smiled as Beth gave her a kiss on the cheek and went back upstairs. She could hear the quiet hum of talking from Daryl's room but she couldn't make anything out from here. Juliet would be a while, and there was someone to catch her if she sat out there listening again. She felt bad about listening to them in the first place. She wasn't sure what it proved or disproved or what she was hoping to hear but at the same time, she wasn't sorry she'd done it.
Beth retired to her childish room, wishing like she had every night since she was twelve that she could sleep somewhere a little more grown-up. It amused her that even in the apocalypse, the colour of her walls still bothered her.