18 Miles Out
Beth
Every day people insisted on coming to sit with her. They spoke like she was a coma patient who couldn't hear them, but she could. Even Juliet, who she thought she could rely on to just leave her be insisted on coming in every day. That was almost worse than the others. She usually sat quietly and said nothing to her, like visiting Beth was a huge burden she was forced to bear, or she came with Daryl or her mother and had fun talking to them. It wasn't fair that while Beth lay grief addled in her bed she was forced to listen to Juliet laugh about a hunting mishap or burning the dinner.
How was it fair that Juliet managed to adjust to things so much quicker than she could? She'd lost her little sister, why wasn't she curled up in a bed crying like Beth?
She wanted to get up and yell at her but she just couldn't.
It lasted about a week before one morning, upon waking, she found herself walking down to the kitchen to make herself a cup of tea. Of course Maggie squawked about how proud she was, but Beth ignored her praise and just went back up to bed.
She still didn't have the energy to talk to them.
Juliet came in looking even happier than usual. She had a very different air to her now that Sophia was no longer missing. Like she was missing her but also relieved. She seemed happier, especially when she was with Daryl. She and her mother were getting along better than Beth had ever seen them. She wondered if that had been what Juliet was like before the world ended, or even just before her sister had gone missing. She would have liked it much better if she had been able to share in her newfound happiness and enthusiasm.
"Beth, Maggie said you were up this morning! That's so good!" Juliet exclaimed. Beth detected that the excitement was obviously forced and noted this was the first time Juliet had directly addressed her. She simply closed her eyes and pretended not to hear her speak.
"She don't look any better." Beth heard Daryl mutter from the doorway.
"Shut up, asshole!" Juliet hissed at him. It was almost fond, the way she said it. Beth didn't understand how they could be so cruel to each other most of the time and still be friends. It was the kind of jovial relationship she would never be able to sustain. "Sorry about him, he doesn't know when to mind his tongue. It's just a flying visit, I'm afraid, we have to go." Beth knew for a fact that Juliet wasn't as sorry as this as she was attempting to sound. It pissed her off that Juliet didn't even bother telling her where she was going. She was just abandoning her for no good reason. "Hopefully when we come back this evening you'll be up for real."
Beth waited for a moment and rolled onto her side to face them, finally ready to say something. They were already leaving, Daryl's arm around her waist as he guided her out, talking softly to each other so that she couldn't overhear. She heard Juliet laugh about something, and was immediately envious. Juliet got someone like Daryl for a friend who made her happy to spend her time with. She was stuck with her overbearing older sister and father, and a boyfriend she didn't even like anymore. She remembered how tightly he'd held onto her at the funeral, like she was about to jump in the graves next to her mother and brother. She was more likely to have pushed him in and buried him alive.
Twistedly, it was that thought that made Beth smile for the first time since the barn was opened.
"She cheered you up huh?" Beth's smile was immediately wiped away when Jimmy entered the room, smiling brightly and genuinely, carrying a tray of breakfast food which she already knew she wasn't going to eat a bite of. "Well, I'm guessing it was her, not Daryl. I wish I'd seen you up earlier, it's good that you managed that."
Stop talking to me like I'm a child, asshole. Beth thought crossly, mentally taking ownership of Juliet's favourite nickname for Daryl and deciding that Jimmy fit it pretty well too. She thought it with none of the same playfulness that Juliet ever said it with.
"We're going to have to put bets on when those two will start hooking up."
Sooner than you'll get me to sleep with you. Beth almost smiled at her own internal dialogue, but she was too irritated by Jimmy's presence to do that.
"After the funeral, remember I told you he'd moved down to beside the woods? The evening after all that, the day they brought that guy back – who they're finally taking away today, so that'll be a weight off your mind – yeah, that evening she moved all her stuff down there too. She took her own tent but after Lori went down once she said that it didn't look very lived in. She's either super tidy, or they're sharing."
Maybe you should leave her alone and let them do their thing? Stop acting like you know shit about relationships when you can't even tell that your own girlfriend hates the sight of you.
"I did try and ask her but she just laughed at me."
That was the best thing Juliet had ever done, in Beth's mind.
She wondered what Juliet was off doing while Jimmy continued talking. She and Daryl had probably taken his cool motorcycle and were killing off thousands of walkers to keep the farm safe. They'd bring back armfuls of food and then sneak back off to their camp and laugh about useless little Beth bundled up in bed because she was too stupid and weak to be as okay with everything as they were.
It would be better if I just died.
And the thought took root in her mind. No-one would miss her. She wasn't built for a world like this. They'd be sad for a while, maybe, but in the end everyone would realise it was good to get her out of the way before she caused more trouble than she was worth.
She contemplated writing a note for Maggie, but she was pretty sure taking her own life would speak for itself. Beth formulated a plan involving the knife that Lori was sure to bring her when she brought her lunch. Until then she would lie in wait, suffer through the last miserable minutes of her life.
Juliet
After having once again forced herself to visit Beth that morning, Juliet was having a much more pleasant afternoon than expected. She felt sorry for the girl, sure, but it also vaguely irritated her that Beth was confining herself to bed. In Juliet's mind, she wasn't trying hard enough to get better, and everyone else was just pandering to it. Carol had tried to force her to be more sympathetic, but Daryl was on her side. She was coping just fine with things, Beth should have been too.
"Just remember, this was your Mom's idea." Daryl said to her for the millionth time that day. He was taking her out for what Carol had referred to as a 'lovely surprise' and what he had called 'a terrible idea' that he had assured her she would hate. Honestly she was too amused by the whole affair to care what was happening.
"I don't know whether to be impressed or concerned that you're concocting plans together." Juliet said with a grin. She was surprised by how much time Daryl was spending with Carol. It seemed an oddly normal thing for him to do, get to know her mother. So far he'd taken her out shooting, both with and without Juliet accompanying them, eaten with her every evening and allowed her to show him how to cook some basic meals other than roasted squirrel, and every time he took Juliet out on her own he brought her back a different flower in a beer bottle. Carol and Juliet both knew better than to confront him about it or even thank him, but it made them both overwhelmingly happy that he was trying so hard. Maybe he didn't think he was a part of the group anymore, but the three of them had their own little family, and he was definitely a part of that.
"She suggested it when I took her shootin' yesterday."
"You didn't have to go along with it. You don't have to indulge her like that, she won't mind." Daryl shrugged and looked at the ground. Juliet knew he had trouble saying no to Carol. He worried about her without Sophia and was actively trying to make her happier. "Unless you secretly think it's an awesome idea and you're just not saying so in case I think it sucks."
"That ain't it." Daryl protested, which just made her surer that was exactly what was going on. "Okay, it's right up ahead." She could hear the excitement in his voice and had to force herself not to say something. She caught the little smile he was wearing out of the corner of her eye.
"I'm genuinely so excited for this."
They came out of the edge of the forest and she saw what he'd brought her to, a little picnic blanket set up right beside a stream. She stopped and bit her lip and Daryl carried on forwards.
"So… Yeah. Carol helped me get some leftovers and stuff for lunch, she made a cake too. Maggie baked us some bread – she just thinks I'm taking you out to cheer you up." He gestured to the little wicker basket. She had the mental image of him carrying it down here that morning while she was eating with Andrea. "And Patricia helped me find this old wireless tape player so we could listen to some of the stuff you pointed out to me from Maggie's collection while we eat. I know it's dumb, but –" She cut him off immediately with a kiss and pulled back grinning.
"It's not dumb. At all. This is the sweetest thing ever." Daryl actually blushed. It just made her smile more. He honestly had no idea how touchingly sweet she found it that he'd put this all together for her. "Thank you for doing all this."
"I'm really glad you like it. I thought it could be like… you know, an actual date rather than us just hunting and joking about it."
"It's perfect. So, what music did you get?" she asked as she sat down on the blanket. He sat down beside her and they went through everything together. It had been a while since Juliet had listened to music on anything other than her computer. She forgot what a pain it was having to change tapes every half an hour when they finished, fast forwarding through songs rather than skipping them but introducing Daryl to English punk rock she loved had its own rewards. The Clash and Blur ended up being his two favourites, although he might just have said that because they were the two she got the most excited about.
It felt oddly normal to talk about something as trivial as her taste in music, but it was a welcome change from the usual unending drama and danger. It wasn't spoiled when they both spotted a walker, instead he helped her up and taught her to shoot with his crossbow, something which, when she adjusted to the weight, she was actually pretty good at. It took only two arrows before she got one through the eye and the walker fell down.
"I'll see if I can find you one of them to use instead of your gun." Daryl mused as they sat back down again.
"Are you kidding? There's no way I could carry one of those things for more than about three and a half minutes before I started feeling like my arm was about to fall off, I'm not ridiculously built like you are. Find a more weakling friendly weapon, please."
"Okay, you can use a sharp twig, you shouldn't have much problem carrying that."
After proudly proving she did in fact know all the words to Girls and Boys, and not slipping up at all she lay back on the blanket with his arm around her. She occasionally broke the conversation they were having to sing a line in a song she liked, but she got the feeling that Daryl found it endearing rather than annoying. It was only when the sky began to darken with storm clouds that the pair agreed that it was possibly time to return, though both were extremely reluctant to do so. They'd ended up spending most of the afternoon out there.
"I wonder if Rick and Shane are back yet." Juliet mused as they walked.
"Shoulda just shot that kid and been done with it. None of them are fuckin' brave enough to admit that sending the kid out there on his own with that hole in the middle of his leg is the same. Least if we did it like that it'd be over quicker." Daryl huffed.
"They think it's the kinder thing to do. He might have a chance."
"And, what do you think?"
"I think that eventually Rick is going to need to drop the 'holier than thou' act, and if Sophia was here I already would have snuck into that shed, shot him, and buried the body. Or got you to do it for me. Probably that last one actually, it's so much easier to get you to do my dirty work rather than bothering to do it myself."
"I'd have done it if you asked me anyway. If he'd bothered you he would have been gone."
"It's oddly touching that you'd be willing to commit murder for me." Juliet said with a small laugh as they arrived back in their camp. It was almost by default she had ended up sleeping down there now, invariably going down with Carol to have dinner with Daryl, staying long after her mother left in order to talk to him and realising how late it was hours later. He wouldn't have let her go back to camp on her own and she wouldn't inconvenience him by making him take her. She liked sleeping next to him at any rate. If the others had noticed her absence, they'd said nothing. Juliet wondered if maybe Carol was fielding some of the questions. Neither she nor Daryl had told her mother outright what was going on, but both were aware she knew.
Juliet was surprised to see her mother sitting there, but greeted her happily. She was in a wonderful mood after the afternoon she'd had, which unfortunately was not a state of mind she would retain once Carol spoke.
"Juliet, you need to get up to the house now." Carol said gravely. Juliet looked to Daryl for some clue as to what was going on, although she realised he knew as much about the situation as she did.
"Why? Is something wrong?" It was an idiotic question, she knew as soon as she asked. Of course something was wrong, Carol wouldn't be here if there wasn't, and she certainly wouldn't be this serious about it.
"It's Beth. She tried to take her own life this afternoon."
Juliet froze for only a moment before she started running in the direction of the house. She heard her name being called, but she didn't turn around. She didn't stop until she got there, she barely breathed the whole time. She barged in through the back door to find the kitchen empty and flew up the stairs to the room Beth was in. She only stopped when she was outside, realising it might be prudent to knock before entering.
"Come in." Juliet heard Beth call from inside, and she took a deep breath of air before walking in. "Two visits in one day? I must've done somethin' wrong." Juliet watched Maggie give her a stern look and almost smiled. "Maggie, could you give us a few minutes, please?" Maggie looked to Juliet to confirm that would be okay and Juliet nodded firmly. If Beth wanted to see her alone then she was happy for that to happen. If she tried to do anything while Juliet was in the room she could always scream for help loudly and repeatedly. "So, come to preach to me about how wrong I was." Juliet felt her eyes slipping to the bandage covering her wrist.
"Fuck no. When I went off into the woods after Sophia's funeral I wanted to die. Not so much after I got back, I screamed at Daryl for a little while and then remembered that dying and leaving everyone else to pick up the pieces isn't great either. I thought about it when I was a teenager too, my father was a horrible man and I thought that dying might be the only way to escape that. I couldn't so it though, I could never leave my sister like that. I'm not going to judge you for something I thought about a hundred times."
"So you understand why I did it?" Beth asked her. "It wasn't because I wanted to die. I just can't deal with this anymore, I don't want to lose anyone else. It's too much."
"I know, but you just have to endure it. You have your family who love you, a group of people out there who think you're just the sweetest person ever and would be heartbroken if they lost you, not to mention me."
"You have Daryl, you wouldn't miss me."
"
"But that doesn't mean it would have been a good idea. I was so worried when Carol told me what had happened, I would have been devastated if I'd lost you. I know I haven't really been here for you this last week, I had a lot on my mind with Sophia but I should have made more time for you. You needed me to be here and I ignored that. I promise I'll be better from now on." Beth's face softened as she spoke and the younger girl reached up to hug her, then pulled her down to sit on the bed beside her.
"Can you stay with me tonight? Maggie wants someone with me, but I don't want her here and I'm pretty sure the other option is Lori and I kind of yelled at her earlier."
"Of course I will. I'll go and get my things in a little while."
Two hours passed before Juliet finally made her way back down to her camp, surprised to find Daryl sitting there with her mother engaging in a very amicable discussion. As she approached she was almost reluctant to interrupt them but they both noticed her and Carol waved her over.
"I'm going to stay with Beth tonight." she informed them both.
"How is she?" Carol asked with concern in her voice.
"Not great, still very upset, shaken up. It just all got way too much for her but I think she's glad she's still here. She doesn't want Maggie breathing down her neck all night but it's probably not a good idea for her to be on her own." Juliet began gathering up the things she wanted to take in a small bag and she watched Daryl get up and come over to her.
"Are you sure you wanna be the one watchin' her?" Daryl asked quietly. Juliet nodded.
"I barely sleep anyway and I'm her friend, not someone obligated to look after her. She seems pretty stable, I don't think I'm going to have any issues." Daryl looked at least moderately reassured by this. "What are you going to do for the evening then?" Daryl shrugged.
"Probably just talk to you mom until she gets bored of me."
"Has she been down here with you since I went up to the house?"
"Yeah. I caught a couple rabbits nearby and she cooked them for us." He wore a little half smile, indicating to her that he was actually having a nice time spending the evening with Carol, who herself was sat quite content in front of the fire. Juliet leaned up to give him a quick peck on the lips.
"Thank you for being so good to her. You're the only one who doesn't walk on eggshells around her apart from me, she appreciates it. Just don't go replacing me with her." she teased him. He laughed good-naturedly.
"I'll try to resist the urge."
She was back in the house in under twenty minutes. Beth had moved back into her bedroom and Maggie had already set up a bed for Juliet on the floor but the pair were arguing as she entered.
"Juliet, tell her it's ridiculous." Beth implored her.
"I literally have no knowledge of the situation so I'm not gonna do that." Juliet said, hoping she was being reasonable. "Explain this to me."
"Maggie wants to watch while I take a shower."
"No, I want to make sure she doesn't try to kill herself again. Beth, you know I can't leave you alone." Maggie said, sounding like she was genuinely sorry about it. Juliet understood her concern, especially as a bathroom had been where she had attempted the first time, but she honestly didn't believe Beth was going to try again that evening.
"I don't want you in there! You're my sister, it's creepy, and I don't want you around right now. Sit outside or something!"
"Being outside didn't help you much earlier, did it?"
"Okay, how about I go in with Beth, I'll take the partition from the guest room and sit behind it so you don't have to have your sister in there, you still get your privacy but you also have someone to make sure you're okay." Juliet offered. Neither seemed entirely happy with this, but both conceded that it was probably the only way forward and true to her word, Juliet was carrying the partition from the guest room into the bathroom only a few minutes later. Beth was silent as she got into the shower, but she seemed to forgive Juliet partway through.
"Jimmy thinks you and Daryl are going to be a thing soon." Beth called to her over the jet of the water. Juleit smiled to herself.
"Does he?"
"Yeah. But I don't want him to be right." Juliet raised her eyebrows.
"You don't want Daryl and me to get together?" I might have some bad news for you if that's the case.
"No, I mean I just don't want to give him the satisfaction of being right." Juliet laughed, more out of relief than anything else. If there was one person who she wanted to actually talk to about Daryl, it was Beth. It would be nice to include her again. "Are you two together already?" Juliet paused for a moment before answering.
"Yeah."
"Wow… That's… When did you…?"
"Just in the last week. We're keeping it quiet though, we're not twelve and there's no need for everyone to know after we give some huge, self-important announcement. Carol knows, your sister has probably guessed that something's up, so we're being private. And Jimmy definitely doesn't know." Juleit joked. Beth was unusually quiet, probably trying to take it all in. She had sworn blind over the course of her friendship with Beth that there was nothing romantic between she and Daryl. It hadn't quite been the truth, there was always something she'd been repressing and a sense that their friendship could be something else, but it hadn't entirely been a lie either.
"That's really great." Juliet could hear Beth straining to sound sincere. Maybe she didn't want her and Daryl together. There was almost a hint of jealousy in her voice and it played on Juliet's mind a little, but ultimately she decided to ignore it. She was probably just hearing things. Beth switched the water off and Juliet heard her getting out of the shower. "I'm going to have to start wearing something over my wrist to hide the scar."
"You don't have to." Juliet assured her warmly. Beth stepped out from behind the partition in her pyjamas.
"It's ugly."
"But sometimes it's good to remember what you've gone through."
"I'm not going to have a problem remembering this, with or without the constant physical reminder." Beth said with a small laugh.
"It'll fade eventually."
"I'll be dead long before that. It won't be me, I'm not going to try again, don't bother calling Maggie in so you can both babysit me. I can't do anything in a world like this. I can't shoot, can't hold a knife, hate the idea of killing something that was a person once. If I had to make bets on whose dying next, I'm going with Lori's baby, Jimmy, and me. None of us can do shit. We're all useless. Even Carl can do more than I can and he's not even a teenager yet!"
"Beth, I'm not going to let anything happen to you. We'll go out tomorrow and start some proper training, not just guns, other weapons too. Quiet ones. I hated killing them at first to, but when it comes to a them or you situation you'll be able to. I promise, I'm going to make sure you have a while to live yet." Beth grinned, looking far more her usual self and flung her arms around Juliet. She looked poised to say something when they heard a car draw up outside.
"That'll be Rick and Shane back." Beth reasoned.
"I wanna go down, see how it all went. Come with me?" Juliet offered. Beth nodded and the pair made their way down the stairs and out the door.
"How could you let this happen?" Maggie was demanding of the two men who were stood looking exhausted and greatly pissed off.
"What's going on?" Juliet asked, brow furrowing. Shane rubbed his head and Rick sighed heavily.
"Randall knew who Maggie was. Apparently they went to school together, but Maggie never knew who he was. He knows where the farm is, and taking him fucking eighteen miles away from it won't make any difference, he can come back or tell people where we are." Shane explained to her.
"So what you're saying is…" Juliet prompted. Rick sighed once again before finishing for her.
"We brought him back. And now we gotta decide what to do with him."