I don't know how I feel about this one, but I hope you like it anyway :)
The next day, Alex left just after lunch to meet with Lori. Hannah had decided to stay the night to help Olivia finish the deck the next morning. So, while Alex left to talk with Lori, Hannah and Olivia continued on the deck.
They worked quietly at first, until Olivia initiated a conversation. She wasn't satisfied with how they left things yesterday, and she'd been wanting to talk to Hannah about it. The girl seemed okay, she no longer seemed upset, but the brunette wanted to be sure.
"So, yesterday. Pretty heavy stuff."
Hannah nodded, unsure of what to say.
"How are you doing about it?"
"I'm okay, really. I was worried yesterday, but I'm okay today."
"Anything you need to talk about?"
"No, honestly. But thank you."
"Okay. I just don't want you to get scared off because of what happened," she said, only half joking.
The teenager smiled at her.
"It'd take a hell of a lot more than that to scare me off. Don't worry."
"Good. I'm starting to like having you around. You know, in the same way one enjoys the company of a fly or a small rodent."
Hannah laughed and pushed the woman, causing her to fall on her ass.
"You deserved that one."
Olivia laughed and got back up, smiling at the girl. She was happy to note that the teenager really did seem okay.
Hannah wondered if she should bring up the kiss that the woman had planted on Val's head yesterday. She'd been itching to bring it up. She debated for a minute before finally deciding to just ask. She wasn't one for filtering her thoughts much anyway.
"So… about that kiss."
"What kiss?"
Hannah gave her a look. Olivia relented.
"It was nothing. Just a friendly kiss."
"Mhmm. And just out of curiosity, which other friends have you kissed like that? Is that a Maine thing or…? Cause we certainly don't kiss our friends like that around here."
Hannah knew her tone was dripping with sarcasm.
"Shut up," Olivia muttered.
"Yeah, see? Don't bullshit. You like her."
"You know I like her."
"Yes. What I don't know is why the hell you're fighting it so much."
Olivia sighed.
"It's complicated."
"So uncomplicated it and tell me."
Olivia looked at her. Hannah could almost see the gears turning in her head, as her brain fought the desire to open up.
"Listen, I might be young but I'm not an idiot. I can at least listen."
"I know you're not an idiot, it's just…"
"I'm not going to judge you, but considering how blatantly obvious it is that you guys are into each other, I just can't see there being a good enough reason not to act on it, so please explain to me what the problem is."
Olivia sighed internally. Could she really understand? Probably not, but maybe it would do her some good to get it out. It wasn't like she had anyone else to talk to anyway, and Hannah had proven herself to be a good listener. And she called things like she saw them, something Olivia appreciated. She liked that the teenager spoke her mind.
"Why is it complicated?" Hannah prodded again.
"It's complicated because… because I need to remain focused, clear-headed. I can't have my feelings clouding my judgement if something were to happen here."
"What do you mean?" Hannah was confused. That hadn't made any sense.
Olivia sighed.
"Well, you know about the man who is after her. He's very dangerous. I need to stay alert, stay focused. I can't be distracted if I'm going to protect her. I can't…give into my feelings if I'm going to keep her safe. The way I feel about her, it's all consuming. I can't concentrate. I can't focus when we're together because all I can think about is her. So I have to take a step back, I have to… I can't be with her. I want to but, I can't. I need to keep her safe, and I can't do that if I'm distracted by a relationship."
Hannah stared at her before going off.
"What the hell kind of backwards logic is that? First of all, you feel how you feel already. I know like her, I'm sure you love her, and your feelings haven't clouded your judgement so far, have they? You've kept her safe. Look at you yesterday. You have feeling for her, but you still reacted really well and were able to calm her down yesterday despite the fact that you're into her. Plus, what are the odds this guy is actually going to find you with all the precautions you've taken? You hardly go online, you have obviously not let yourself be photographed, you live in the middle of bum-fuck nowhere so there's no one who will spot you here, so you've got that covered. So you could spend your whole life denying her and yourself the opportunity to be together for nothing.
And so what if you like her and date her? How is that gonna change your reaction IF and I do say IF he were to come for her? Would you really act any differently because you kissed her that morning? You'd still do your damndest to protect her and put yourself in between him and her. If anything, you'd be even more motivated to protect her because you love her.
You don't have to let your feelings become a distraction. You can get lost in how you feel about her, okay fine, but if you're aware of the fact that you tend to lose focus then you can better stop yourself from doing it. If you're aware of the problem, then you can take steps to solve it. Like, remind yourself of to focus when you feel yourself getting too distracted. I think you're just doing the adult thing where you complicate the hell out of something simple. You like her, and she likes you. So stop punishing her because you think you can't keep her safe. You can. And while you're doing it, you can make her happy too. Isn't that better than just protecting her?"
Olivia stayed silent, speechless.
"Well? Aren't you going to respond with something else so that I can prove you wrong about that too? I'm not trying to say how you feel is wrong. You feel how you feel and that's that, but your actions are wrong. You're punishing yourself and you're punishing her for no reason. Life isn't worth living, Cam, if you can't even be with the woman you love. What if something happened to her? Then what? You're seriously telling me that you wouldn't regret it? That you would be happy with the way you've been acting?"
"Hannah-"
"No. Listen to what I'm saying. You love her, don't you? I'm sure of it. And I'm sure she loves you too. If it weren't for how you're acting, you'd both be together right now. Stop letting your fear dictate your life.
And okay, it's scary. I get it. I get the fear. But what I don't get is why you're letting it control your life. You're letting it decide how you act. It's okay to be scared, but it's not okay to let it dictate your life. You have a beautiful woman who wants you and you're denying her, as well as yourself, the chance to be happy and feel whole and be together just because you're scared? I can't believe that, Cam. I admire you, but this… this isn't you."
Olivia blinked.
"You shouldn't be a cop," she said slowly. "You should definitely be a lawyer."
Hannah smiled, nodding.
"I guess I made my point then?"
"I don't know," Olivia sighed. "But you got me thinking."
"About what?"
"Everything. It's just a big decision, you know? It's… it's hard."
Hannah looked at her, frowning, as if working something out. She waited a minute, two, and suddenly, clarity.
"You really are scared, aren't you?"
"What?"
"You're afraid," she said. It was so obvious. Why hadn't she seen it before? "That's what this is all about. It's fear. You're afraid."
"I am not."
"Yes, you are. That's what's keeping you from being with her. You're scared." She wasn't saying it as an accusation, but as a truth. "What has you so scared that you're willing to sacrifice your happiness?"
The brunette looked away. She couldn't talk about this with Hannah. She couldn't talk about this with anyone. She barely acknowledged it herself, so how could she talk about this with the girl? How could she explain to her the magnitude of her fears? The overwhelming, soul crushing terror that ate away at her inside? She wasn't scared of many things. In fact, she prided herself on the fact that most things did not frighten her. But this… this thing between she and Alex. It had her petrified because of what would happen if it ended, if something drove them apart after allowing herself to love Alex the way she wanted to. If she got that close to Alex again and had it ripped away for a second time-
No. She couldn't let it happen. She could not live through that soul crushing, heart shredding devastation again. It would bring her back to that place. She could not go back to that place, never again. When she found herself in that place, things were… it was black. It was nothing. It wasn't living, it wasn't dying. It wasn't even existing. It was… a void. A place filled with nothing. Emptiness. It was a place she found herself in when her heart and soul, her very reason for living, was so violently ripped away from her. She couldn't do it again. She couldn't. Her life wasn't worth living if Alex wasn't in it. The fear of getting close to her again, only to have her ripped away… She couldn't do it again. She couldn't go back to living life the way she had been for the year after Alex had been taken away. She wasn't living. She wasn't even existing. She just was. This fear of losing Alex, of loving her so completely only to lose her again, to being alone again. She couldn't do it.
"I think this is a conversation you need to have with Val," Hannah said cautiously, pulling Olivia from her thoughts. "Not me. But I think I've given you enough to think about."
Olivia looked back at Hannah, contemplating her.
"How are you this smart at such a young age?"
The girl shrugged.
"It's not so much smarts as it is just being observant, reading people."
"You're too good at it."
Hannah smiled.
"I know. Are you at least going to talk to her? I know you're keeping stuff to yourself, but I can tell there's a lot there that needs to be said. You should tell her. Open up to her."
Could she talk to Alex? Should she? She was scared, worried. Olivia hated being scared. She needed to be brave. She needed to be strong. Why did this have to be so scary?
"Hmm?" Hannah prodded.
"I don't know," Olivia admitted.
"Will you at least consider talking to her? Think about it."
"Alright," she conceded. "I'll at least think about it."
Hannah nodded contently.
"Good. Then my work here is done."
"No it's not. We still have a ton of painting to do."
"Oh, it's not a ton. There's only a bit left. Stop your whining."
This time, it was Olivia who shoved the teen onto her ass.
"I ought to beat you."
Hannah laughed.
"Come on, grandma," she said, getting back onto her knees and resuming painting. "Hop to it."
Olivia grumbled, pretending to be angry. Truthfully, she was a bit… well, she wasn't sure what she was. She had intended to spend this time talking with Hannah about how the teen felt. This was supposed to be about her, and yet Hannah had turned things around and made it about Olivia. She couldn't believe that the girl had managed to turn the tables so easily. And yet, she was grateful for it.
By the time Alex returned later that afternoon, they had already finished and were lounging around the living room. The blonde poked her head in, smiling at them.
"Hey, you," Olivia greeted. "How did the talk go?"
"It went well. She was concerned about him coming here," she explained, referring to Lori's fear regarding Velez, "and asked if there was anything she could do."
"What did you tell her?"
"I told her to just keep the information to herself because I didn't want it to get around. She promised she would. She also said to call her if we needed anything."
Alex didn't mention the fact that they had also talked about the two "dates" they had gone on and Alex's feelings for Olivia. They had agreed a second time that they wanted to stay friends, and Lori had gently prodded the blonde about her attraction to the brunette. Lori now understood why the blonde hadn't been open to a relationship with her. You couldn't be interested in something like that when you were in love with someone else.
Lori had gotten her to open up, and when the blonde stated that Cam was reluctant to have a relationship with her, Lori had had to swallow the desire to tell her that Cam was an idiot. Instead, the woman listened attentively to the blonde. They had discussed Alex's feelings, her worries, her hurt. It had been a conversation Alex hadn't even known she needed to have, and when it was over, she felt like a weight had been lifted. She had thanked Lori several times, the other woman telling her that she was happy to listen.
"Earth to Val?"
"Sorry," Alex said, embarrassed to have zoned out. "Yes?"
"We're just starting a Simpsons marathon. Wanna join?"
Alex groaned.
"Don't tell me she's convinced you to watch that crap?" she asked the teenager.
"Hey! She is just as into this show as I am because it's an awesome show. Don't even try to deny it. You laugh right along with me."
"That's because I hear you laughing and it makes me laugh."
"Excuses, blondie. Come join us."
Alex rolled her eyes, but she still plopped down next to the brunette. She propped her feet up on the coffee table and snuggled into the couch. She glanced over at Olivia and Hannah, a smile forming on her face when the two began humming the theme song.
It was good to be home with them.