Another chapter already?!

"Hey, Earth to Cam."

Olivia snapped out of her reverie.

"Yes?"

Alex looked at her with concern.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, sorry. Just thinking."

"You've been doing that a lot today. Anything you wanna talk about?"

Olivia sighed. She couldn't stop thinking about what Hannah had said to her. For someone so young, she was incredibly perceptive. Too perceptive. It had been three days since their conversation, and yet it was all she could think about. She had been going over and over what Hannah had said to her. It was eating away at her. She had been thinking about talking to Alex, but the thought of opening up to her like that… she didn't know if she could. She was worried, and she hated being worried.

"Hello?"

She pulled herself from her thoughts.

"Sorry. I just," she paused, running her hand through her short locks, "I don't know. I don't know if I can talk to you about it."

"Why not?"

"Because it's about you."

"Oh," Alex said, pausing. "Well, I'm a good listener. I can listen and keep my opinion to myself if you want."

Olivia gave her a look.

"Okay," Alex grinned. "I can listen and try not to give my opinion."

Olivia smiled in response, but didn't say anything else.

"Come on. You've been in your own head for days now. Talk to me."

Olivia sighed, rubbing her palm on her thigh.

"It's just… Hannah and I had a conversation the other day, and I can't stop thinking about it. I was so sure about what I was doing before we talked. I was certain that I was doing the right thing, and now, well…now, she's made me second guess myself because she… she forced me to face some things. She kind of… she called me on some shit."

"Sounds like Hannah. She's a smart kid."

"I know. Too smart."

Alex waited a second to see if Olivia would continue. When she didn't, the blonde prodded her with another question.

"How did she make you second guess yourself?"

"By bringing up some really good arguments against what I was saying."

"You're going to have to be a little more specific."

Olivia took a deep breath.

"It's about us, you know, our relationship. She pointed out that maybe what's been stopping me from being with you isn't just some misguided attempt at keeping you safe. That maybe…maybe it's something more too," she said softly.

"Like what?" Alex asked.

Olivia looked away.

"Fear. And the more I think about it, the more I think she's right."

"Fear of what?" she asked gently.

"Everything? Fear of getting hurt, fear of failing you, fear of getting you hurt, fear of loving you again. I really did think the right thing was to distance myself from you. I thought I'd better be able to protect you if I wasn't distracted by you. I'm still not convinced I'm wrong, but at the same time, now I have my doubts about that too. And I'm scared. I'm scared of losing you. I can't-" Olivia cleared her throat when her voice caught. "I can't go back to how it was like without you. If I did something that cost you your life, if I were the reason something happened to you, I could never live with myself. I could never forgive myself. I need you, in a way that I've never needed anything else in my life. I barely survived last time you were taken away. If I lost you again…" Olivia shook her head, unable to continue the sentence.

Alex reached out and took her hand. She intertwined their fingers, giving the brunette the quiet she knew that she needed in order to think.

"But now… now I'm not so sure. She was pretty convincing. I can't stop thinking about what she said."

"What did she say to make you question yourself?"

Olivia took a deep breath. She looked into Alex's eyes, seeing nothing but love, support, and affection. She loves you. Trust her.

Olivia hesitated a second before taking the plunge.

"She said that I'm already in love with you and yet have still been able to protect you. And that you love me as well and there's no reason that we shouldn't act on it because there's not a real threat of danger out here. You know, since we're in the middle of nowhere and nobody knows where we are. She also pointed out that if we did act on our feelings, it might even motivate me to protect you even further because I'll be driven by my emotions, by my love and instinct to protect you," Olivia paused. "She's right about that one. What I feel for you… it's overwhelming at times. It consumes every part of me and makes this protective instinct that I have just take over. I would do anything to keep you safe, and that included giving up the thing that made me happiest… you.

I scared myself when we first got here because I got lost in us, in you. I actually "forgot" why we were here. I didn't even think about what was going on back home and when it was brought to my attention, it made my heart stop. It scared the shit out of me because I could have cost you your life. I could have gotten you killed with my carelessness. It scared me because I was a cop," she said, lowering her voice, "and I could have gotten you killed. You, the person who means the most to me. I spent my life protecting people and I wasn't doing that for you. I didn't do that for you."

Olivia felt her eyes burning. The emotions from that day so long ago came flooding back. Even after all this time, it still affected her.

"So that's why I just… I reacted and I stopped it all. I couldn't let myself be that negligent again. I thought I was right. I thought it was the right thing, even though I was miserable. I know you were too. I was so sure that there was no other way, but now…"

"Now?" Alex asked, forcing all hope from her voice even though it was flowing like a raging river through her body.

"Now I just don't know. I just don't know if I can take that risk. What if I become distracted again like I did before? I loved you then and I let you get shot. I can't let myself do that. I won't. I can't lose you again. I can't. I need you. I'm so scared of losing you," she confessed. "And now, now when I think about how I've acted these last few weeks… I feel like an asshole. I was an asshole. I was so scared of doing something that would cost you your life. I almost lost you last time because of my negligence. Because I wasn't paying attention. Do you know what I was thinking about when you walked onto that street? I wasn't thinking about the danger. I wasn't thinking about how I needed to protect you. I was thinking about," Olivia shook her head as the self-loathing washed over her. "I was thinking about how good you looked in your skirt, and I only vaguely looked around before I started scrambling to say something after I realised you were talking. I didn't want you to realise I was checking you out. I wasn't even paying attention to our surroundings, and it was my job to pay attention. I let you get shot and I didn't even-"

Alex shook her head, cutting her off.

"Stop. I know I'm biased," she began softly, "but you're the best damn cop I know. I trust you with my life, and that'll never change. You didn't let me get shot. It wasn't because you loved me that I got hit. It wasn't because you weren't paying attention, because you were negligent. I got shot because of my actions. I was so damn stubborn and wouldn't drop the case even though you pleaded with me to. I got myself shot, not you.

You put so much pressure on yourself. You try to do it all on your own, to be the strong one, the brave one. You try to do it all yourself, but you're not alone. I'm here too. I'm also responsible for keeping myself safe. And now that you're here, I'm responsible for you too. We're responsible for each other. We're going to look out for each other and keep each other safe. It's not all on you, okay? It's on me too. I want you to know that you can rely on me to keep myself safe. I did it for a year, didn't I?"

She smiled at Olivia, and the brunette gave a shaky smile back.

"We used to talk to each other, you know. We used to go to each other. I know when we first started dating it was a learning experience for both of us and it took us some time to get it right, but we did it. We were a team. And then I left, and I came back, and we haven't had much time to talk, to reconnect. But we need to. I want to. I miss what we had. I feel like now… I feel like I'm alone again, even though you're here. I feel like I'm alone in this, at least emotionally. You don't come to me anymore. I feel like we don't talk, not like we used to anyway. You made this huge decision without me and you didn't listen to anything I had to say. You shut me out, and it hurt. It still hurts. You would've never done that before, but now… now it's like what I feel and think doesn't matter because you're calling all the shots.

We're better together. We always have been. For this to work, we need to start talking again. You need to let me in, to trust me. I know you'll feel better if you start coming to me like you used to. You're a strong person, you could do it alone, but why would you if you don't have to? You know we make a great team, and together, we are stronger than when we're divided. Please, don't pull away from me. I can help you in your noble quest to protect me," she said with smile, "but you have to let me in. You have to trust me and trust that we can do this together."

Olivia stayed quiet, feeling the weight of Alex's words. Her head felt so heavy. She played with the ring on Alex's finger the way she used to when they were in New York, the familiar action helping to soothe her troubled mind.

"I'm sorry I shut you out. You're right. I did. I've been without you for over a year, and I guess I just got used to not going to you anymore, to making decisions on my own. That wasn't right and I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I got scared and I just… I reacted. It was cowardly and I'm sorry."

She paused before looking at the blonde.

"Are you angry that I did?"

"No, not anymore. I was at first, but I think it's because I was just so hurt. I spent so long waiting for you and then all of a sudden you didn't want me anymore."

The hurt in Alex's voice was more than Olivia could bear. She pulled the woman into her arms.

"I'm sorry. I did and do want you. God, I want you so badly, but I was so scared of losing you again. I'm still scared of losing you. And it would have been my fault because I was being so careless when we first got here. I couldn't live with myself if it happened again on my watch."

Olivia's eyes clouded over with pain, hurt, regret. The storm brewed in her eyes.

"I'll never forget that night. I'll never forget what I didn't do. I was supposed to protect you and I didn't even do that! If I had just taken a second to look. If I had paid attention, fuck. If I had just looked up that fucking street. I was half a second behind you, but I was too fucking busy looking at you. I should have-"

"It's not your fault," she interrupted firmly. "What happened before, it wasn't. your. fault. Do you hear me?"

They had never gotten to have this conversation, and Alex now knew that they so desperately needed to have it. If they didn't, Olivia would never be able to get to a place where they could finally start heal. This was a conversation they should have had weeks ago, but now was better than never.

"It was-"

"No," Alex stated clearly, firmly. "You listen to me and you listen hard. None of what happened back then was your fault. It was never your fault. There is nothing you could have done, nothing you could have changed, that would have stopped what happened from happening. I'm the one who insisted on pursuing him, I'm the one who wouldn't back off, and nothing you said changed my mind. You tried, we both know that you tried, but I made a choice. Do you remember the arguments? Do you remember the fights? Cause I sure do. I refused to listen to you."

"But that night…" Olivia trailed off softly, her voice thick with emotion. "I didn't even see them because I wasn't watching like I should have been. I didn't even-" her voice cracked, tears spilling down her cheeks as she recalled the sound of the gun and seeing Alex lying on the pavement. "I didn't stop it."

"Listen to me. You couldn't have stopped it. There is nothing you could have done. I was so blinded by my own ambition, by my own determination to get him that what happened that night was inevitable. If it hadn't happened that night, it would have been another time, another evening. I was reckless. None of that is your fault. You can't keep beating yourself up for that, for what happened. Jesus, have you been harbouring this guilt all this time?"

The thought shook her. How had Olivia managed to survive with the weight of this on her shoulders? How could she blame herself for all of this? And yet, Alex wasn't really surprised. Olivia always took on the blame, the guilt. She carried the weight of the world on her shoulders.

Alex's eyes filled with tears as she looked at Olivia.

"Oh, baby," she said, her heart breaking at the sheer anguish in the other woman's eyes. She pulled Olivia into her arms, holding her tight. The brunette buried her face in her neck, and Alex felt the woman's hot tears fall against her skin. "Don't cry, baby. It's okay."

"I don't want you to get hurt because of me," Olivia croaked. "Not again."

"Never, baby. It was never your fault. I won't get hurt again, not if we do this together. I don't want you to get hurt either, and if we work together, nothing will happen to either of us. We make a great team, but we need to work as a unit. We've always been a great together. Okay? No more of this working alone stuff."

Alex pulled back gently and looked into the woman's eyes. Olivia stared at her for several moments, working through the storm of emotions she currently felt.

"Do you really think this can work?" Olivia's voice wavered.

"I think if we work at it, yes. We need to learn to trust each other. I know I shut you out for a while too and I'm sorry. I was really hurt, but I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to shut you out. I need you, and I miss you."

"I miss you too."

Alex cupped her jaw and kissed her cheek.

"I understand why you did it even if I don't agree with it. I just need you to keep me in the loop from now on, okay? Don't shut me out anymore. Please. Trust me."

Olivia nodded.

"I'm sorry."

Alex pulled her into a hug.

"I need to think some more, if that's okay. Some space to just… reflect."

"It's okay, yes," Alex said, pulling away.

Olivia tightened her grip and pulled her back.

"Don't go," she stated. "I just… I need a couple of days. This is kind of… it's overwhelming and heavy. I need time. I'm not going to run, I just… I need some time."

Alex nodded against her shoulder.

"I understand. You're not alone," she said, kissing her hair. "You never have been."

"What did I ever do to deserve you?"

Olivia asked, giving her an affectionate squeeze. Alex said nothing, choosing instead to take comfort in the brunette's warm embrace. They sat on the couch, holding one another, until Olivia sighed, looking at the clock.

"We should get to bed soon. It's nearly ten."

"No," Alex protested. "I like it here," she said, cuddling in closer.

Olivia smiled and rubbed her back.

"Okay," she sighed happily. "Just a few more minutes."

Alex muttered a muffled "good" before smiling against her neck. It had felt good to talk to the brunette. Her hope of resuming their relationship had been renewed. She had missed the woman and now she knew without a doubt that Olivia had missed her too. Maybe things would change after all.

I predict smiles in the near future :)