AN: Gon and Killua both have a run in with two different kind of characters. One; is made of trickery and deceit. The second; manipulative and spiteful. Neither are of any good news to them.
Hisoka can pull more then just a rabbit out of his hat ;33 TROLOLOL /shot
Kinda OOCish to me, or at least it feels that way. Nyeh. Gon finally meets with Hisoka (look its kind of anti-climatic too) and Killua has his talk with Illumi. I've been toying with how I originally wanted them to meet for who-knows-how-long and finally just slammed my head into a wall and got this. Yipee.
Also, will be rewriting and fixing up earlier chapters as well. I may be taking a temporary hiatus on this story after the 17th chapter is posted in order to finish my other DRUG AU (High) and also look over this story again and fix it. Sine it's Un-beta'd and all that nonsense, it's littered in typos and errors. Plus I dislike my style of writing. So I want to fix that. But it won't be like 9857846 months or something, no worries. Probably like 2 weeks at best or something around that c: hope that's okay.
Excuse all my nonsensical rambling. BACK TO STORY YEP. THANKS. Enjoy.
I hate every part of you in Me
16
"Do it."
"But, Killua told me to stay away from Hisoka."
"Just do it, Gon. Come on!"
"Killua said no."
"Gon!"
"Why do I have to do this?" Gon turned and deadpanned at the three expectant, waiting faces of Leorio, Kurapika, and strangely, Hanzo. How the three of them managed to convince Gon to come here; to find him, and were now pressuring Gon to go and just have a friendly 'talk' with him – Gon was not sure when they arrived at this outcome or for what reason.
All he knew is that they wanted him to go meet this Hisoka person and they wouldn't let it slide even if the entire Chimera Ant army started invading the shores at this moment.
He was going to speak to Hisoka whether he liked it or not and that was that.
"Because this is your chance, Gon. You absolutely must talk to Hisoka. He's quite a character when you get to meet him! I think you two will really get along!" Hanzo gestured at the nearby clown who was presently longing on a bench in the middle of what might have been a big grassy public park at one point. The only thing remotely intact was the rubble of a fountain in the center of everything, two other bench structures barely held together and Hisoka was sitting on the only one that was in a whole piece.
Twenty feet away and utterly alone.
Gon heard of elusive traps before by some of the adventurous tales from fisherman; those ones that led you in on false pretenses that something good will come out of it only to get seriously hurt. Or worse – You die. Killua mentioned something about traps in video games where your character falls into one and nine times out of ten it results in your death, because that's what traps are set up for.
To kill off the stupid, weak players dumb enough to fall into one. (Or in this case, unprepared.)
"He doesn't seem my type though nor does he seem very approachable." Gon commented, dryly, eyeballing the frame that not so long ago was sporting a ginormous boner for god-knows-what reason. Hisoka still carried that dangerous air around him; suffocating and noxious like poisonous gas and Gon understood; now, with Killua's warning, that this person is someone you did not want to approach. Hisoka was relaxed and reclining, completely motionless with his eyes shut. It did not bode well in the pit of Gon's stomach.
"At least give him a chance, Gon." Leorio pleaded, tugging on Gon's jacket sleeve, "You'll be really surprised." There was a glint in the elder man's eyes Gon couldn't quite pinpoint what for, but it set him on edge.
Kurapika chuckled and it sounded forced. "Yeah, Gon. I think this may be a prime opportunity to make some friends with the other squadron. Right now all you've got is Killua so why not take this chance to meet some other people? Hisoka is a-" Gon missed the anxious twitch of the blonde next to him, "-a, well, you know.. a g-good guy. Very friendly and nice and loves to make friends. And, uh, well, you know...?"
"He knows cool magic tricks!" blurted Hanzo and all three pairs of eyes and gaping mouths rounded on him, Hanzo sweat dropping in secret. Indiscreetly, Leorio and Kurapika were throwing thumbs up his way and Hanzo struggled to keep his quivering lips up in a reassuring smile that Gon seemed to be contemplating on. "Since he used to be a really popular children magician, Hisoka knows a ton of really neat magic tricks. I think you'll especially like them."
"Yeah- Yeah!" Leorio threw up his finger, doing his best to keep his voice low and away from prying ears but failing already. Hisoka shifted and immediately the older men cringed and lowered in their knelt spots, Gon blinking in confusion. "Hisoka knows lots of magic tricks and he even knows a bunch of tricks that involve.." A pause, the medical hunter rubbing at his stubble chin, "Involve animals! Yeah, animals!"
Kurapika snapped his fingers, beaming himself. "Yes, Leorio! You are right. I totally forgot about that!" He faced Gon and the tan-skinned teen perked a brow in mild interest. "Hisoka is a huge animal lover and he knows quite a lot about animals, including some tricks, too, that involve animals. Doesn't that sound like something you would be interested in, Gon?"
"I guess..."
"Then it's settled!" Before Gon could protest further, six hands were shoving him forward and Gon practically fell out of the nearby bush they were hiding in. He stumbled, tripped on his own foot, and just caught himself in time to upright again when Hisoka glanced over his shoulder. Those piercing yellow eyes were now trained on him, zeroed in like a sniper at its prey and Gon was the inescapable target.
The sun-kissed teen swallowed, the words he was tugging on to complain to the others ripped from him in one stolen breath of air. A sly, malignant snicker twisted those thin, bright red lips and Gon's mouth went totally dry while his skin broke out instantly in a nervous, clammy sweat.
Crap.
"Hello there." Hisoka had a voice that was oddly sweet, sultry, and Gon rubbed at the goosebumps on his arms involuntarily. "Come to join see the park as well? Here," Hisoka gestured at the empty spot beside him and Gon felt like cement magically dropped into his boots because he was stuck in place, "Have a seat. There's plenty of room on the bench with me and I don't mind sharing."~
"U-uh." Gon stuttered, choked on his own spit really, and glanced back over his shoulder at the bush. He could blearily make out the eyes of his friends narrowed through the underbrush and their hands were waving at him, trying to usher him forward, but Gon figured himself unable to dislodge. Sighing, he peeked back at Hisoka who was no longer watching like before and was humming a merry tune that did sound kind of nice. "Are you sure it's okay?" pressed Gon, working his brain frantically on how to get out of this situation he was forced into too soon. He wasn't prepared for this at all. "I mean, to sit with you?"
Please say no. Please say no. Please say no.
"Not at all."
Darn.
Because he didn't have the brain capacity to weasel himself out of this; and he really wished Killua was here to help him because he was so much smarter and would know what to do, Gon begrudgingly willed his feet to move and he trudged over and stopped a foot away from the opposite end of the bench. Hisoka smiled out of the corner of his eye and patted at the spot beside him. Gon felt rocks painfully twist in his gut and it took all the courage he had to force himself to sit; teetering so far off the edge not even his butt was fully on it. The bench wood creaked under his weight, threatening to break, and Hisoka patted again as Gon started to slip. Before the edge cracked, Gon scooted reluctantly sideways and was fully seated now with one body space to separate him and Hisoka.
Darn. Darn. Darnit.
"There you go. That's a good boy." Gon shivered, Hisoka's smirk on him. "Was that so hard, now?"~
"Yeah, maybe a little." answered Gon and instantly regretted saying a word. Because that just gave this new stranger something to feed off of and whatever percentage of dread Gon was feeling was multiplying itself by ten per second.
"That's good to know then."
They sat in silence for a few minutes when really it felt like eternities drifted away and Gon was paralyzed in the infinite loop of their noiselessness. He sat rigid, like he had a flat board wrapped around his spine, and his fingers wiggled in his lap anxiously. What was he supposed to say? Killua did warn him that Hisoka was dangerous and he certainly did feel dangerous but what was Gon supposed to do now?
Before, this Hisoka person had both intrigued and frightened Gon, yet that was only from a safe and considerable distance. Now, up close, he wasn't sure what he was feeling.
It wasn't necessarily bad, per say, but it certainly wasn't good either.
Chancing a peek to the side, Gon looked over to see Hisoka leaning back against the bench rest with his eyes closed. He had one hand up, against his forehead and long, spider-like fingers netted in the scarlet red bangs poking through. There was an expression of content there, Hisoka relaxed and totally at ease. Gon felt he was very out of place here; a nervous wreck sitting as still as a statue, and here Hisoka was in his own world, in the zone, and peaceful. It didn't make any sense.
Who is this guy?
"Who are you?" Gon's thoughts voiced out before he could stop them and the split instant he realized his slip, he slapped a hand over his mouth and gasped against it, sputtering, "I- I- I mean- oh crap -mean like-? I don't know!"
Hisoka laughed, cutting off Gon's struggle to cover up his mistake and didn't bother looking at him to talk, lips pursed out thoughtfully. "Call me Hisoka."
"Hisoka."
"Yes," The clownish man chuckled and Gon twitched at the hollow quality to it, "Hisoka. That's me. But, if you would be so kind, will you tell me your name? I don't recognize you, so you must be a new recruit." One gold pupil opened, Gon fighting the urge to shy away from the stare with his unshakable determination not to flee from this.
He's come this far, why stop now?
"Gon." He said, chest rising, shoulders back, and breathed in; his confidence back somehow but he chanced it wouldn't be for long. "Gon Freecs."
"Gon." Hisoka mused, painted ruby nail tapping at his sculptured jaw line. His angles could cut sharper then even Killua's – Having anatomy that could harm just from sight was a scary thought. "I like that. Gon. It fits. Gon it is."~
"Well, yeah. I guess it does." muttered Gon, averting eye contact and drummed his fingertips along his thigh. He was uncomfortable, sure, but he was dealing.
"So, Gon, why have you come to see the park?"
"Boredom." Gon answers and he hates his own lie so he bites on his lip to keep his brutal honesty at bay, because he really has no other better excuse but that. "I think."
"I see. Well, boredom is a perfect excuse to come visit a park, then." Parting his bangs to the side, Hisoka lulled his head back until his hair splayed alongside his high, milky-skinned cheekbones. Gon gulped when sparing another glance his way and regretted the way the man made him all hot and bothered with no explanation as to why. Was it a fearful bother or an excited bother, like before? Or was this something else entirely?
It didn't feel pleasant though. Not one bit.
"Why are you here at this park then?" Gon eyeballed the surrounding rubble and ruin. What grass may existed prior was now just dirty and empty. The stumps of trees around the field were charred, burnt, and had no chance of surviving even in their cut-off state like so many other plantations would. Their roots would find not nearly enough sustenance on land that held no life, not here. "There isn't very much to look at anymore. So you can't be here just to see the sights."
Hisoka waved his hand dismissively in the air. "You're correct. I'm not here to see the park." He began weaving invisible patterns in the space between his fingers. When Gon squinted he could make out the shapes as they appeared with pinkish colored Nen: A spade, a clover, a diamond, and a heart. The four playing card suits. "I'm here because I'm admiring what's left of the city view and nothing more, nothing less."
"View? What view?"
"Why, the view of what's left of our battlefield of course."~
"Battlefield?"
"When we fought those nasty little pests called Chimera Ants, dear Gon." Hisoka informed and Gon's eyes widened in realization. They did all of this?
"But didn't the Ants do some of this? I mean, they are kind of destructive..?"
"Not at all, actually." Yawning, Hisoka started fanning himself and it wasn't remotely hot out. "When they came, it was us who was destroying the place during the battle. I give them an A for effort though, for trying to wreck things and demolish the city, but they were weak and easy to pick off. It was actually quite a bore really and not even a remotely entertaining fight."
Gon gaped openly, like a drowned fish, and stared at the scenery that surpassed beyond the reaches of the park. Everything was in shambles; Zaban City no longer recognizable on the map. It was another wiped out blot on the planet's surface, just like Whale Island. The others were right – The members of Silver Squadron 1: Attack Formation were formidable indeed. And strong. Very, very strong.
"You sure destroyed the city then." commended Gon, mindlessly speaking as he surveyed the chalky ground around their bench space. "You can't even tell it's a city even more."
"Then I guess that means we did our job well, then."~
"You sound like you're happy that the city is in ruins."
"Maybe."
"Maybe?" Gon hissed out, amber hues narrowing and Hisoka whistled randomly for no reason. The tick in Gon's left eye was irritating and he scrubbed at his cheek a moment to regain his composure, before that something deep inside of him in the pit of his gut decided against having a sense of decency or respect for your elders.
And not decking the man straight across the face with his fist.
When Gon thought he had finally calmed himself down, the magician's words that came next tossed aside all his effort, in vain. "Yes, maybe, Gon-kun. Maybe I am happy the city is in ruins." Hisoka copied in that same sing-song voice and the hard line in Gon's mouth twitched.
"That's not funny, Hisoka."
"Oh? It's not?"
Scowling now, Gon leaned forward on his right arm and glared up at the taller man, pupils slit and angry. "Why would you be happy an entire city was totally destroyed? I mean, what about the people? That's not fair to them. This was their home! And now it's completely gone because you people think it was fun to destroy it? Is that it?"
"Sounds like you're smarter than I thought you'd be, Gon."
"...You." Inhaling big, Gon's chest expanded and deflated with each breath he drew in to keep his cool, yet finding it quickly diminishing. He pulled away, scooting back over to the edge even if his rear was sliding off, and held his fists tightly against his knees. Killua was unmistakably correct about this Hisoka person; he was crazy. Bat-shit insane, Killua called it. There was a sadistic air to that smirk, a twisted-up amusement hidden in the gleam of Hisoka's eyes; and Gon felt it all the way to his toes and back, curling and uncurling like a snake ready to strike.
He just so happened to be the one in his path, the one he bared his fangs and whipped his tongue towards; lusting and hungry, venomous.
This was bad. Really bad.
"Oh, Gon-kun, what's the matter?" Hisoka voice broke through the fiery haze of Gon's inner turmoil and he spun around right as a molten stare met his honeyed one. Effectively immobilized in the gaze, Hisoka slid the pads of fingertips up and along the curve of Gon's jaw, back behind his ears, and gripped at the base of his head before pulling him frightening close. Their faces were only inches apart and Gon literally smelled the sweet, sticky taste of something like licorish or gum on Hisoka's breath and he cringed away as far as he was able to. "You look pale."
That's an overstatement, Gon thought bitterly because his skin was deep brown and trying to find a trace of paleness anywhere was harder then finding the needle in a haystack. He shivered as Hisoka's fingers slipped higher up his neckline and he leaned forward out of the touch then regretted it when it brought their faces uncomfortably too near and he had to recoil back into the touch to avoid any much unneeded part of them brushing let alone touching or making contact. He did not need that at all.
"I'm okay." Gon tried his hardest to brighten up if it meant Hisoka would let him go. Or something that didn't involve this. "Nothing is wrong."
"Tsk, tsk. You're lying, Gon. You shouldn't lie to your superiors."
"And how exactly are you my superior?" The challenging threat in Gon's pitch slipped and he reached up to grab Hisoka's wrists instead of stifling his noise because what the hell, he was screwed already and it couldn't get much worse then this, correct?
"I'm your superior in strength at least, and in status." Hisoka crooned and the collar of Gon's tank top felt as itchy as if a thousand spiders were crawling across his skin. He scratched at it but it didn't make the tick go away. "Which means you should be honest and faithful to the people who rule above you."
Gon grit his teeth, not appreciating being looked down upon, more or less by some stranger like this. There was no way he was going to let Hisoka proclaim him as inferior when he didn't know a thing about him! No way in hell. "You don't rule me."
"Oh? Why is that?"~
"Because you don't." Gon answered immediately, no longer a slip of the tongue but his thoughts exactly, "Nobody does. Only I can rule myself. No one here rules over anybody else or is of any better or greater status then the rest of us."
"Aren't you forgetting we're at war, dear Gon? There is a ranking among us that predetermines where we sit within our peers." Hisoka tapped both thumb nails against Gon's brow and he hissed when the jagged points drew thin, cut lines across the creases in his forehead. "That's just how it goes in a battalion such as ours."
"I don't care, then. I'm not going to follow any of that. I just want to fight and help the people who need it and that's that."
"My, aren't you the heroic one?"
"I'm not a hero." Gon brushed aside Hisoka's touch and it easily withdrew back as Gon stood, towering only a foot above Hisoka's true height. "And I don't want to be one. I just want to do what's right."
"Then what is 'right' in your opinion, Gon-kun?"~
"Helping the other people who are fighting in the war and ending this once and for all."
Hisoka giggled, raising to his own feet and Gon was forced to look up just to maintain eye contact, gaze determined and fearless not to back down in the face of this magician Hunter. "You certainly sound confident."
"I am. I'm confident in my ability to fight." Gon's chest elevated with a breath and Hisoka licked his lips, crudely as ever.
"Then perhaps a duel is in order to test out if you really are ready? Are you interested?"
Gon contemplated this, an eyebrow cocked upright as he stared back into those yellow snake-like slits. The prospect of fighting somebody such as this; dangerous like a wild card, lit fire to the blood in Gon's arteries. He felt warm, tingly all over, and the goosebumps that were there before were not just from fear, but dwelling excitement. Gon had never once fought in a real fight before; the ones he's done dueling with the animals while trying to catch them didn't count much when he often had the upper hand.
No, this was another person. Another living being. Someone who obviously knew Nen, as it radiated off him in sickening, luscious pink waves that tickled at Gon's flesh, burned him; made him want more of this raw, untamed power.
And now, with his own Nen, Gon had every right to join this new realm – Where the people battled every day of their lives, grappled with fear and adrenaline and that rush. They fought with pride in their strength and assurance in their mentality, warring with this life to do the job they've chosen, at its best.
The world of the Hunters.
His father, Ging Freecs was a Hunter. He chose to abandon Gon at an early age, leave him in the care of Aunt Mito and Oba-chan, for the sake of this profession. The depths of which this occupation must have pulled him in, could only be described as something addictive enough to draw him away. There must be something about being a Hunter that was more important to Ging then to remain here and raise his own son, his own child and offspring; his kin.
Gon could finally find out that reason and it all started on taking that first step into this Hunter world.
Hisoka was a Hunter, too, right? Like Kurapika, Leorio, Killua and Hanzo and all the others. Was it finally time for Gon to join them?
Pulling his hands into fists at his sides, Gon moved forward and was a mere foot away from Hisoka, chin upturned and grin splitting his face in two. He had his answer now.
I'm ready. I'm coming.
"I'll fight you, Hisoka." He breathed, boldness a badge on his heart and bravery his shield and sword. The tenacity lay in his eyes, the flame sparked in his golden irises burning like ruby and topaz combined; two precious gems coming together in a passionate display of renewed life-like fireworks. A brightly burning molten fire.
Besides, Gon was curious what a real fight utilizing Nen was like. Hisoka just happened to be the first to initiate such a thing and Gon had no choice but to take it.
He's a risk-taker, what more can he say?
"I accept your challenge."
"Killu."
Obsidian hair obscured his face but Killua could see that visual clearly in his mind; in his worst nightmares and always in time to ruin his best dreams. Illumi stood a few feet away, back braced on the wall of some broken-down home they'd found refuge from prying eyes and ears. His oldest brother was a secretive ass like that; when he insisted he'd have Killua alone with him whenever they talk and never speaking about any sort of personal matters out in the open like normal people did. He loved to isolate Killua whenever he had the opportunity. So here they were, together and no one else around, for the past five minutes standing in absolute silence.
Until Illumi's detached, void-like tone hit the air and sucked all life from it, and from Killua's lungs.
"Killua, look at me."
Killua shook his head.
"Why won't you look at me? Why won't you look at your dear brother?" Killua felt that disapproving frown of his on the back of his skull, with his back turned to him and arms crossed, and couldn't stop the shiver from twitching at his spine because of it.
'Dear' brother, my ass.
"Why should I?" He bit on his bottom lip and chewed thinking it might relieve some of his anxiety. It wasn't. "I mean, you just suddenly show up after three years expecting us to be on good terms and for me to oblige to your every demand? Fuck off-"
SMACK.
If it weren't for his already tense posture, Killua surely would have fallen forward with the strength of Illumi's slap against his skull. He leaned away from the touch, only an inch out of place, and growled, shoulders quaking from his rattled emotions. "What the hell." It came out as a mere whisper, but Illumi's small responding 'hmmm' didn't go unheard. "What the hell is your problem?" Rounding on his older brother then, Killua swung around all claws and teeth combined, hissing like a feral cat. "Why did you hit me?"
"Because," Illumi answered, simply, "You shouldn't cuss like that, brother. Foul language isn't tolerated in a Zoldyck."
"I can cuss all I fucking like, asshole-"
BAM.
Killua did fall completely forward then, but his highly tuned-in instincts caught him in time to land on all fours instead, feet firmly planted to the creaking floorboards below and palms embedded and full of splinters. A few droplets of blood fell to the floor in front of him from near his ear, most likely from whatever blow he took to the head just now.
"You should know better by now the consequences of going against the family code, Killua." spat Illumi, knuckles cracking, and Killua glared vicious daggers at the wood knowing even if they reached Illumi, that they'd be of no affect against somebody like that rotted bastard of a relative. "Has nothing I taught you all those years remained steadfast in the time that I was away? What a shame. If that's the case, I'll have to start all over again from the beginning then-"
"-No!" Killua flung himself to his feet and turned, wild-eyed and nerves on fire. Illumi was standing so close the tips of his flat-footed slipper shoes were against Killua's own and he instantly drew his feet away with an audible hiss, like he'd been burned from the contact which in fact; he was, because this was his over-bearing and acid-mouthed brother. A Zoldyck son; the oldest and the first one of his family line, for that matter. Even his presence could brand you like a hot iron. "Sheesh, why the hell are you even here now anyway? What happened to taking care of family business?"
Despite Killua already knowing beforehand that Illumi was now apart of the Silver Squadron, it didn't make the apprehension die away. Ever since Hanzo warned him, Killua was mentally and emotionally preparing himself for this encounter. He'd been contemplating all sorts of scenarios, all sorts of topics and things Illumi ought to bring up when they reunited, but everything he thought he had stored in his holster; ready to be drawn and fired point blank range, apparently slipped through a hole and was long since gone.
He was left with emptiness and nothing he could use to counter, nothing in his arsenal to use as a weapon to fight with.
"Mother said she could take care of the business since Kalluto is finally of age to take on missions on his own, so she gave me leave to join the Chimera Ant war alongside the rest of the family." Illumi tilted his head, void-like eyes blinking. "I heard you joined this Silver Squadron group and offered my services to the Association to fight and was placed on this attacking squad. Isn't that quite convenient?"
"More like bothersome." Killua sniped and Illumi reached out to pat his brother's head but he bolted sideways just as those cold, sharp fingers brushed across his scalp. He bristled from the contact. "Don't touch me."
Illumi frowned. "Why not, Killu? I've been touching you since you were but a child. Why do you reject me now?"
"Because I said so and I don't want you to touch me, Illumi. So, back off." There was a flash of warning in those electric blue eyes and the elder brother pursed his mouth out critically, humming.
"You've changed, I see."
"Three years fighting in a war would do that to yah. It shouldn't be that much of a surprise."
Illumi's fingers, unwarranted, brushed across Killua's neck as he hissed and a jolt of fear burst through his veins like stars on a clear night sky. He threw his hand up to knock back the offending limb, but Illumi caught his wrist and locked him in place, a faint smile etched on an emotionless mask. "Is it because of this 'Gon' character?" He inquired and Killua's involuntary gulp made Illumi raise a questioning brow when he got no immediate response. "It is, isn't it?"
"Leave Gon out of this." A snarl curled the corners of Killua's mouth up and he wrenched free his wrist from the others grip, glaring sideways while he rubbed at the minor bruise there. "He has nothing to do with any of this so just forget you ever saw him."
If only Gon hadn't been there when Illumi showed up. None of this would have ever had to happen.
Gon..
"Who is he, Killu?" Illumi edged closer and forced Killua back against the wall.
His leg twitched once, instinct telling him to flee, get out while you still can, and Killua figured he'd need at least ten seconds to run for it. That is, if he could out maneuver Illumi in those precious few seconds when the window of opportunity arose. Illumi's dark eyes glanced to the side when something creaked beneath the wood nearby, a rodent, and Killua's feet were rising on that brief chance of success. His boots were moving in slow motion, making an escape, when Illumi's hands snapped forward and slammed to either side of his body, effectively trapping Killua in place. Sapphire irises widened, a soundless gasp left him. Some debris grazed cuts on his cheeks and went unnoticed. "Killua. Who is this 'Gon' person to you?"
"He's nobody." The words came automatic and Killua's brain cogs were moving too fast for comprehension. There was trembling in his calves and he didn't dare move his feet back from their partly-risen form less he could get another slip up and wiggle free on the slim motive of avoiding his older brother's questioning. "He's just a new member on the team. That's all."
"Where did Gon come from?"
"I don't know." Killua said immediately knowing he had to cover Gon's tracks. It was enough if Hisoka found out Gon was just a stray they picked up from Whale Island. If Illumi knew Gon wasn't really registered on their team, he'd throw him under the bus and thrust Gon into the Association's clutches. The same hands Killua was still avoiding, still out running all this time. He couldn't bare to see his only – possible – friend end up there before he did. "Hanzo's the guy who handles that kind of stuff, you know, with the members and everything. He just kind of showed up one day, that's all. If you need to know the details, why not ask the so-called leaders instead?"
"I will consider the thought if Satotz doesn't inform of us such news in our later meeting, then." The calculating gaze of his brother had Killua sweating bullets and he averted eye contact at all costs. "Is that all you know about Gon, then? Why was he there when I came to speak to you?"
Gulping on the rock in his throat, the heavy-weighted boulder in his chest, Killua maintained his best poker-face in spite of Illumi's adversity and his eagerness to slip through the mental barricades that he had built to protect himself from this sort of threat. Killua fortified these walls to keep out his brother's antagonizing words, his manipulating thoughts; and there was no way he would let all that training and practice go to waste. "Gon's the new guy and he asked me to show him where the base was. He wasn't part of the squad when we were stationed in Zaban City. I was going to have Leorio or Kurapika do it but they were busy dealing with Hanzo and the others sorting out our things. That's all and there's nothing else to it."
"He called you his friend."
"He's really friendly and calls everybody in our squadron his friend. It's not that big of a surprise."
"He was defending you."
"Gon's an overly caring guy. He does that to you no matter how many times you push him away."
"He was holding your hand."
Killua opened his mouth and promptly closed it. Fuck. "...Well, about that-"
Illumi leaned dangerously near the split second Killua glanced his way and he bit back a gasp as he crushed his own weight against the wall to get away, only succeeding in keeping their noses from touching in the close proximity. He felt that chilly, lecherous breath on his neck and goosebumps rise like needle pricks on his skin, quivering. "Kill," Illumi said, briefly gazing at the way Killua's adam's apple bobbed up and down in apparent fright, "Didn't I tell you before that you can't have friends? Assassin's don't have friends. There is only our clients and our targets, nothing more and nothing less."
"But-"
"I'm curious. You never did tell us why you decided to join the war. Why is that?"
"I-?" Killua hesitated, stumbling on his own words, and was caught off guard. Why did he switch topics so fast? He knew Illumi would jump at him the second he mentioned the two boys holding hands, yet now he was sidetracking to something totally different? It didn't make sense. "I don't know." He reluctantly offered, brows scrunched thoughtfully, "I mean, I just. I wanted to fight. And get stronger. I thought joining the war effort would do just that. And I was bored so I thought it'd be fun to go out and just practice killing Ants. That's all."
The killing part should win him over, he thought, Illumi always gets happy when I mention I'm practicing my murdering skills.
Illumi seemed to think this over, looking at his collar bone and not straight-faced like usual. For a moment, Killua's face lit up in possible hopefulness, but it dropped when Illumi's droned, empty voice took a completely different direction. "I see. If you wanted to practice killing, why not stay home and proceed with missions instead? Wouldn't that be much more logical then wasting your skills on pathetic creatures such as these? Not only will you be able to kill, but you'll make money then. Money for yourself and money for the family with the security that the Zoldyck's offer. There is no protection out here fighting a trivial, pointless war, or is there monetary benefit."
"The Ants are tougher then you think, Illumi. I wouldn't underestimate them if I were you. And you know I never really cared for money, anyway. Money is just stupid trying to keep track of it let alone do any of you let me keep it anyway."
"Child's play." He drawled, "For someone of your caliber, you are abusing your talents on weak opponents. You should be home, now, training to perfect your assassination skills; not ambling around playing games with petty inhuman creatures. Money is of no importance then. Killu should focus on his killing."
Killua glowered and his upper lip curled, displaying his fangs. Illumi and his insensitive nature towards anything that he can easily trod down upon, crush into the dirt – It always set an unpleasant taste in Killua's mouth, his throat dry and parched because Illumi ripped the struggle right out of him.
And he had no where left to go in return.
"You don't know anything, Illumi. You don't know what it's like fighting these things, watching people die right before your eyes. Watching innocent lives be crushed before they get a chance to do anything. Watching these stupid ass things just slaughter everything in sight. It's not as easy as you make it out to be."
Illumi cocked his head to the side, hands lowering until they brushed against Killua's own shoulders and the younger sibling tensed, flinching away again. His brow knitted with his anxiety. "Since when did you concern yourself with other people's deaths? That's news to me."
"Since the war started, idiot."
Killua caught the faintest hint of anger in those soulless black irises, but Illumi only turned away with his mouth set in a thin line, frowning. "Hm. That is something to be concerned of then, indeed. Killua shouldn't be having any feelings for those who are too helpless and weak to defend themselves. He shouldn't be fretting over the dead nor the dying. That is most troubling. Mother and father will be greatly displeased."
Gawking at those words when understanding dawned on him, Killua leaned forward and started to speak, but Illumi placed two fingers to his lips and silenced him. "Killu, need I remind you that you are a killer?" The second the word killer came to light, Killua went as rigid as a statue. "You do not feel for those that you've slain. You're a dark, passionless puppet. You don't want nor wish for anything, let alone need. As one who lives in those shadows, you can only feel pleasure when people die. That's how father and I raised you since birth. What would you accomplish joining a war to become worried about all the extra, worthless lives of the deceased and the people that's been slain? It's excess baggage. What is there for you to gain?"
"Anikii-!"
"Hm?"
There was a plea in the young teenager's voice that made even Illumi pause, intrigued. "What is it, brother?"
"I-" Killua swallowed, sweat dripping down his face now like rainfall on a pale background. "You're wrong."
"Am I? How am I wrong then?"
Is he? Killua asked himself, lost in thought. Is he wrong?
"I care a lot about you, because, Killua's my friend!"
Yes. He's wrong. It took all the courage, all the determination and sheer willpower for Killua to blurt out his next words, but he wouldn't stop them for the world for the warmth in his chest was about ready to burst. "You're wrong. There is something I want. Something I can gain from it."
"No there isn't."
"You're my friend, Killua."
"Yes, there is!" Killua insisted and Illumi leaned back only slightly. Killua appreciated the little bit of extra space no matter how meager, sighing out a breath to calm himself. He pushed his balled up fists into his pockets, a shudder wracking his frame, but he refused to let it keep him from pressing forward; move towards that light he's seen again and again.
Gon's light.
"Then what is it?"
Killua could see it in hindsight; Gon's smiling face in a halo of light and his hand outstretched, reaching for him, waiting for him to come out and take it. Take him and accept him – The truth in reality.
That Gon and Killua were in fact, friends.
"I-..." He inhaled sweet tasting air, spice and pine that he delighted in whenever Gon was around; and he remembered what it was like to be in Gon's presence then that even miles apart couldn't erase his existence from Killua's mind. Or his heart. "I want to be friends-"
"This is about Gon, isn't it?"
Shit. Killua felt his jaw tighten, uncomfortable and painful, copper tang on his tongue from where he bit down on the inside of his mouth, and he peeked up through his bangs up into that expressionless, blank face of his eldest kin. He was dead serious as ever and that dread from before returned full force, a truck-load of bricks knocking more then just the wind from his lungs. He had to grab hold of his shirt, twist his nails up into it, anything to ease his steadily thundering heart beat. Shit, no-
That image of Gon still smiling and hand waiting for him was easily replaced by Illumi's crushing gaze, his greedy claws snatching him up, all-consuming as his dominating aura ate away the last vestiges of his hope. All in one fast swoop.
Gon's light was destroyed as Illumi's darkness took over.
"That's preposterous, Killua. You can't make people be your friends."
"No-"
"We want to make you our friend, Killua."
"Your only concern when you meet someone is whether or not you can kill them. You just don't know how to classify Gon because he's too dazzling for your eyes, too bright and too brilliant and light. Unlike you, who is dark; made of shadows and empty and dead. That's how you were trained, how we brought you up throughout your childhood."
"You're our friend now, you little punk."
"Please-"
"You don't actually want to become friends with him, Killua. You never did since the first time you laid sight on him. And you know that if you stay with him, you'll end up wanting to kill him one day. You'll get that urge to know, to see if whether or not you can kill him. Because, Killua, you have the soul of a killer. You are a natural born killer. You are like that no matter who you try to befriend or get close to; you will always want to kill them."
"That's not true!" He was struggling to hold onto those last images of Kurapika and Leorio, smiling at him in the hallway as they declared themselves his new friends. But they were blurred, their faces blotchy and smeared and their words were like hollow bells ringing, destitute and vacant.
"It is. Killers do not need friends. They only get in the way."
"No they don't!" Killua remembered the time when Palm Sibera mentioned them friends, in her snide little way when she snickered and threatened him at knife point only to laugh afterwards, fawning over how cute he was and how much of a child he can be. But a friend to him, nonetheless. And she, too, was fading with the others, slipping from his fingers and falling into puddles at his feet. Puddles cast in scarlet red; blood, staining him.
"You say you want to be friends with this Gon, Kill, but what you really want to do is murder him, right? You want to watch your hands wring around his throat until he's no longer breathing and your name is whispered on the last of his breaths. You want to watch your claws tear apart his body, his flesh and meat and paint your hands and your face with his blood. You'll wear it like a badge of honor, like a new mask, and you'll wear it with pride. You want to be there to break every bone, crush every inkling of hope and light in his eyes and be the one to watch it fade in him; watch him die by your hand. Am I wrong?"
"Ne, Killua. Did you know that? You're my best friend!"
"Stop-! Please, stop!"
"I'm not wrong." Illumi looked smug, knew he was winning, and Killua was beyond horrified at this point; so much he couldn't stop the tears welling in his eyes or the tremors of his terrified form. He was reaching up, like he might grab hold of Illumi, shake and beg him to stop or something, but his hands only made it half-way before they lingered, unable to take that last step and actually grab him. Actually give in to what might be the truth.
Was it the truth?
"Killua is a killer." said Illumi, monotonously, and all around him Killua's world was shattering like glass shards, sharp feathers that cut him to shreds, to indistinguishable, unfixed pieces of his former self.
Pieces that were only broken. Pieces that couldn't be saved.
Every single piece of himself that he hated.
"If Killua doesn't want to be a killer, why doesn't he stop being one then?"
"And you'll always be one."
"Killua's not a killer."
Killua's hands found their way to his head, his flaxen hair, and he grabbed hold of the white tufts when his eyes fluttered shut. He doubled over, not caring if he was going to fall into Illumi in the process, as his mind was invaded by all these voices. Endless, hollow sounds echoing in his head, bouncing in his skull, and he couldn't hear anything but them. Screaming and cursing and crying, sobbing and speaking, whispers that mocked, all at once they told him, repeated Illumi's words over and over with zero escape. The pathway he walked upon trembled, those taunting silhouettes mocking him, laughing and pointing as they surrounded him from every angle. There was no exit.
Killer.
Killer.
And all he could do was scream, even if he found his own voice drownedinto reality, see the image of a person there at his feet, right where he stood. The darkness shrouded the outlined image of the shape on the ground, clearly made out to anyone with a careful, practiced eye. There was black and red every which way, blocking out any other color from granting freedom. Dangling at his side, the weapon of choice, the final markdown to end one's own life. The reaper's scythe that deals the deathly blow and the final screech on a soundless field, slicing through the air, cutting away the light and granting privilege to the all-consuming shadows.
It was him, still standing there; Killua over his victim. An assassin straight up and a body face down.
You're a killer.
And that will never change.