Note: Hello! I am sorry for this update taking so long, I have just been so busy but this is my last week of school, so after this week I will be updating a bit more frequently. Thank you once again to everyone who has reviewed and followed so far, I am very happy to see that people are enjoying this story. :3 Now before you read I am going to warn you that this chapter is kind of really angsty and I may have gotten a bit carried away, but nonetheless I hope you enjoy it! Please let me know what you think :3 I love reading your reviews haha alright now I will stop this and let you read now, enjoy!
Thranduil was awake before Tauriel that next morning, and while staring at her face he was deep in thought about the person he used to do this with.
Besides Iestebeth, Legolas had slept next to him after her death if he ever needed comfort. He missed those days, when Mirkwood was still green and his son came to him for comfort and advice. They were long over, but not completely lost. Of course they wouldn't ever sleep together again, but maybe Legolas would find it in his heart to confide in his father again Thranduil hoped.
After a while he realized these thoughts took away from watching Tauriel's breath rise and fall as she slept next to him. He wondered if she was having any dreams. Though for her, it is best she didn't have them. Because he knew that her dreams often turned into nightmares. He had been through so many nights with her since the war ended. He couldn't imagine a night without her now, because he would be so worried about her state.
He faintly saw the sun rising through his thoughts, and decided it was time to wake Tauriel before she woke herself up with nightmares. He already saw that her breath was getting shorter, and her face was getting crumpled in distraught. He started brushing his lips against hers lightly, but he did not linger there. He immediately placed them upon the spot that made her gasp the most, which was the center of her throat. "Tauriel, you are with me. Everything is alright."
Her eyes opened slowly, and she took a deep breath in.
"Did you dream at all?" He asked, his voice vibrating into her throat. He could feel her alertness as she took in the waking world.
"Yes." She said quietly. Her eyes were watering, but she didn't let a tear fall. "How about you, love?"
His heart jumped every time she called him that. But it was in a good way that it did so, and he was grateful for that. He nodded, and placed a kiss on her lips again; a reminder of what he wanted before she even thought about leaving.
"How long had it been before me that you slept with someone next to you?" She asked. That question surprised him, but he wasn't completely uncomfortable he realized.
"I cannot gage the time difference nor do I wish to." It was surprising to notice how easily he answered her. He decided to test the waters further with his memory.
"My wife and I hardly slept though, she loved looking at the stars, and I loved watching her look at them. Maybe it was only natural she be among them."
Tauriel responded to that with a kiss on his cheek. He felt warm by it, even if it wasn't one of the more passionate ones they shared. Tauriel made simplicity a wonderful thing.
"If only I could see the stars again. I love those lights the best, even more because I am with you."
Thranduil agreed with her. And then he remembered something. It struck a really hard nerve in him, but he got over it before she was awake and alert enough to realize. He eventually eased back into his calm mood, but he also realized there was a place where they could, but the very thought of it gave him the chills. So many old memories of that place sprung up at once, and he felt shaky. Maybe with Tauriel those old memories would be replaced with new ones. That was what he hoped at least.
After much thought during their kisses, he came to a decision.
"Tonight I have to show you something. It will be your reward for going out to the forest again." He smiled to her, thinking of the place again and the fond memories that happened there.
Tauriel seemed amused, so she nodded and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "That gives me enough drive to venture out to the forest again. I fear what state it's in though."
Thranduil cringed, because he did know what the forest's state was due to the reports from Merenor and the other official guard captains. The best thing was that the forest sickness did not reach the kingdom yet, and he was determined enough to keep it that way.
They spent the rest of their morning embracing and kissing, and then Tauriel left. He couldn't bring himself to tell her once more that one day she would not have to sneak out. He still didn't know what to do on the matter, he knew he just needed the right time to announce it, and things would hopefully be fine. If not, he was the king and he did not have to listen to anyone, but that would surely empty these halls, even now.
It comes down to a possible choice; the choice of love, or duty.
Thranduil did not have an answer for which one he would pick right away. But it mattered not at the moment. He had things to do and places to be. So finally he got ready. The only thing on his mind was Tauriel, and her reaction to what he was going to show her that night.
Upon getting to the throne room though, Lady Feriadis was waiting for him once more, and her face was somewhat grim. His light mood immediately darkened.
"What troubles bring you here Lady Feriadis?" He asked sincerely.
She looked him straight in the eyes, and took a deep breath. "Is it true that Tauriel pointed her arrow at you back at Dale?"
Those words definitely hit him hard in the heart, and the scene replayed in his mind, but he didn't let the sadness of remembering overcome him.
He furrowed his brow. "Who told you this and how many people know?"
"My son told me last night. He said he just couldn't live with the guilt of keeping something like that a secret, and before I told anyone else I wanted to confirm it with you, so it is true isn't it?" Her face was one of shock, as she started to realize it was true.
"Bring your son to me, so I can remind him some things. Now as for the credibility of his story, it is true. But I have met with Tauriel after the battle and we came to a personal agreement. She will not defy me or this kingdom any longer, and I can assure you of that. Too much time has passed for it to be of any use, so do not speak of it to anyone else. From what I hear Tauriel has suffered enough, and I do not want someone valuable to me and the kingdom to be chastised by it."
She seemed to ease up slightly, but the weight of their conversation got to her. "I will bring my son in now."
She left, and he ascended to his throne and plopped into it with a big sigh. There was no way he could proclaim his love without the assurance of his council members. He was just glad that of all people, Lady Feriadis was the one to have accidentally found out. He feared for Tauriel's safety in the kingdom now, because if others were to start slipping, too many people would know and it would rage out of his control. This was how Mirkwood elves were, less wise and more dangerous.
Tauriel reached her room and started getting ready immediately. Her nerves were high for some reason. While Thranduil had reassured her that she would be alright in the woods protecting their home again, she wasn't so sure herself. But the thought came across her mind that she was still alive, and that eased her a bit.
Her heart jumped again though, when there was a knock on her door. She answered it to find Lady Rainil.
"How is it you are still a captain of the guard after all you've done?" She asked her. Tauriel's heart was threatening to pop out its chest, but she kept the cool on her face.
"Because I am one of the best, and the king sees it. Though I admit I was not expecting to get the title back myself, and yet here I am getting ready to defend my home."
Lady Rainil was not pleased with that response. Her lips pursed for a second while she came up with a comeback, but before she could even say anything more, Tauriel put her hand up to silence her.
"My lady may I ask why you always chastise me so? What have I ever done to deserve such belittlement from you?"
"Because you think you can do what you want and get away with it because the king favors you." Tauriel couldn't stop her from speaking that time.
"I do not get away with doing what I want, I am just the only one who has ever dared to reason with him and gotten a positive answer. It's not easy doing so either, it hurts to argue and try to get past the armor that he puts up for everyone, but once I do, the outcome is worth it."
Lady Rainil let out a laugh, and Tauriel was just about to smack her. If she imagined her as an orc rather than an elegant-looking lady with a sour face, it would be much easier to. But Tauriel wanted to reason with this woman too, so that she may finally see some peace.
"This is just too funny to hear. I already know your secret."
Tauriel kept her face as stoic as possible, but she was sure the sound of her heartbeat was enough to give her away.
"I do not know what you are talking about." She said calmly, not trusting herself to say too much, or even lash out. The urge for both was getting higher.
"I know why you visit the healing room everyday, and I know about what my daughter is trying to convince the council of on the next session. I am here to tell you it will not work. Not if you're behind it."
"I'm not behind it. I am simply teaching those women how to defend themselves, and they are all promising. I am just the captain of the guard now. But your daughter is suggesting something revolutionary, and it's a shame that you're not going to support her." Tauriel relaxed only just slightly. She didn't want to give away the fact that she was relieved, but it just went to show how tired she was of this.
"It's not my daughter's idea, it's yours. This has your name written all over it."
Tauriel sighed, and she just couldn't take anymore.
"What's the matter? Am I too much for you?"
She hit the doorway to her room, and it made a loud enough noise to make the lady jump back and her eyes grow wide. It was obvious how pitiful she was. Tauriel smirked.
"I will hear no more of your bad judgements. Why don't you go make yourself useful and help our kingdom for good? Now if you'll excuse me, I have somewhere to be." She walked past her and her smirk grew bigger when she saw her flinch away as she did so.
But once she turned the corner, she let out a big sigh. For a moment, she wished she had a stare like Thranduil's. She wouldn't have to show her true strength to get someone to back off.
These thoughts made her head spin as she made her way to the weaponry to get her equipment. When she put the items on her again, the weight they had felt heavy for her. It had been a long time and she was not used to it. Nonetheless, she kept them on. Hopefully she would get back into her routine in no time.
But looking at the chest of equipment next to her that belonged to Legolas, her heart sunk a bit.
Her group of elves finally walked in, and they had unsure looks on their faces. Tauriel took a deep breath, and suddenly remembered she was a captain again. She had power again.
"I know what you all must be thinking, and it is a strange thing that I am still with this title. But, the king and I came to an agreement after the battle had ended, and I will not leave my post or break my oath again. I am loyal to this kingdom until the day I die."
She knew it sounded awkward, but she had to say it one way or another, and thankfully the guards understood.
But one of them stepped up, and he had a face of great concern.
"I broke the king's rule to not speak of it to anyone… I told my mother Lady Feriadis. But the situation has cleared up now and… After hearing you now, I truly believe now that you will do no harm in anyway."
Tauriel's heart was beating fast at that statement, but she still held it together. She let out a simple nod to him.
"Has anyone else spread the news?" She asked in a deep, almost frightening voice, and all the elves shook their heads. She let out a silent breath of relief.
"We will defend you Tauriel, nothing's changed." Another elf said, and her group nodded in unison. A genuine smile spread across her face. It's true things weren't the same, but her group has decided not to care and just move along. So Tauriel will do the same.
"Thank you. Now that that's all settled, show me the forest."
As the day progressed for Thranduil, his sense of unease grew. How could he be so sure that neither Lady Feriadis nor her son was going to keep quiet about Tauriel's act in Dale?
His thoughts were interrupted by Lady Rainil, who was walking in very brusquely.
"If you have come to me to talk about Tauriel, I do not wish to hear it." He said right away. There was simply no time to deal with her nonsense. He was expecting messengers from Galadriel and Elrond that contained answers to very important questions he had. They were certainly more important than the lady's complaints, as they were very large lately.
"So my voice doesn't matter to you anymore, is that it?" Her face and voice were anything but graceful, and he did not like it.
"I never said that. I just do not want to hear anything more about your negativity towards Tauriel. Nothing you say will make me change my mind about her."
"What about the fact that she is teaching women how to fight?"
She was really getting out of hand he realized, and he almost forgot who he was. Tauriel stepped boundaries yes, but not in a very annoying and unreasonable way like Lady Rainil was doing right now.
"She told me it was self-defense, and I have allowed it. Now please leave, or I will have the guards do so. I am in absolutely no mood to be arguing. I just want one day of peace." He gave her a frightening look to show that he was serious.
She did step back, and the guards prepared to grab her arms as Thranduil waved his hand for them to do it.
But to his relief, she bowed. "I apologize, my lord. I won't discuss her with you again." He could see in the way she walked out that it still wasn't over. But for him it was.
A thought then occurred in his mind about Lady Rainil, and Maein. How is it that Maein was somehow better at not overstepping her boundaries than her mother? He did recall that they did indeed have similarities, but they did not seem to be directly inherited.
But all thoughts stopped when the messenger arrived with the letters from Rivendell and Lothlorien. He had other business to tend to. He thought of seeing Tauriel once again to calm his mood, and he began to read and decipher the letters so that he could respond to them again.
Tauriel immediately knew how much the sickness had gone into their borders by the time they had walked a good amount of miles from their home. It sickened her.
They came across spiders, but Tauriel found that it was tougher to fight them, and she learned their poison was also more dangerous and took days to heal.
But just walking through the forest and seeing the change, was a depressing thing. She didn't know how much she would be able to handle.
"This isn't just Mirkwood anymore… It should be now called Sickwood." Tauriel said half-joking yet half grim. Merenor let out a small smirk next to her.
"Don't lose hope Tauriel, wait until we keep going." He assured her.
They walked to the very edge of their borders, and suddenly the air was lighter. It was still Mirkwood air, but not the thick air that threatened to intrude into her lungs. She gasped at this revelation.
"Could this air be a thick cloud that might just be passing through?" She asked her group, but they didn't give her an answer.
"Since we knew you were coming back today, we didn't tell the king, and we thought this would be a good piece of information to tell him. It would certainly spark a remedy, don't you think?" Merenor's face was kind, and she wanted to cry.
The way back was felt long, and maybe it was because the thick air was back.
Suddenly, in a matter of seconds, Tauriel found herself standing in front of a bleeding elf that had been poisoned by a spider that was going to jump on her.
After dispatching the spider she acted fast and put a remedy on the wound, but it didn't seem to be making a difference. The color was draining out of him quickly, and he was coughing up blood. All around them there was fighting, and she was trying her best to save him. She chanted many prayers, but none of them were useful. He did not change. It was then she realized it was the one who told his mother about her act of defiance.
"Captain, no matter what you do, know that I would have followed you, to the very end. That is why I gave my life for yours."
"No, no it doesn't have to be this way! I can save you." Tears were falling from her eyes. Her fears were coming alive again, and all the horrifying images of the war flashed through her mind again.
You are a failure. You can't save anyone, let alone yourself.
"Tell my mother it's alright. She will understand. She knows the oath I took, and that was to protect this kingdom, and I am…"
He was no more after that.
The rest of the walk home was silent, and Tauriel was silently crying, yet still on high alert. Her group carried the lifeless elf, and when they got back to the gates of the kingdom, they took him to the healing room.
Maein happened to be in there talking to Naradeth when they arrived. When she saw Tauriel she walked up as fast as she could to her. She took in the situation, and Merenor filled her in.
Tauriel wasn't in the room though, she was back at the Ravenhill, staring at Kili's dead body, and once again was reminded of what she failed to do. And the only thing that she wanted to feel was her own death.
Her friend brought her back though, and comforted her for a long while.
"He did not die in vain Tauriel. Please know that. You must know that. We cannot afford to dwell in the past. You have to be here with us."
Her words were working, until Lady Feriadis walked in, and she nearly dropped to the floor when she saw her son, but kept her ground. Tauriel immediately went up to her.
"I know what happened, and I want you to know everything is okay. Your secret is safe. I feel even more comfortable keeping it and supporting you, because I know you tried to save his life as well."
The lady actually gave Tauriel a hug, and whatever fears ran through Tauriel's mind were whisked away by the embrace of someone she caused pain.
"He was very loyal, to the end. He wanted to you to know that it was alright." Her voice was breaking as she told this to his mother.
"It will be. Do not fret child." She pulled away and Tauriel let out a huge sigh. Her tears were finally slowing down. She knows now who she needs to be with, and went straight to the throne room once her face had dried of her tears.
Though on her way there, she felt a fire starting up in her, so she knew she had to be careful about the exchange she was about to have with her 'secret' lover.
She couldn't stand having to hide so many things anymore, nor have people die so that the secret could be kept. She feared that many more would die because of her. Two have already, and she cannot afford to have one more go for the sake of her. It was just selfish.
Thranduil was about to retire to the study when Tauriel entered. She was in her guard uniform again, and he liked seeing her that way. It meant she was doing something again, and she was on her way to healing from the wounds of war.
But his face dropped when he saw the tear stains on her cheeks.
"Leave us." He commanded the guards, and they did. After that, he descended down to her and immediately pulled her into an embrace and kissed the top of her head.
"The first thing I must tell you before we get serious is that, at the very edge of our borders the air is clearer again."
This was good news to him, but it certainly wasn't the reason she was crying. He pulled away to look at her, and silently nodded for her to continue talking.
His heart dropped as she told him the events of the day, and how the one he had yelled at earlier for not keeping a secret died for them both, and he knew Tauriel's guilt.
"Thranduil… I'm tired of living like this. I'm tired of Lady Rainil constantly coming to my door trying to fight me on everything I do. I'm tired of keeping secrets, and having people die for it." She had a hard face, and he wished that the face wasn't so familiar. He braced himself for the stinging words that had yet to leave her lips, but knew were coming.
"My dear Tauriel… Soon you will have fewer worries." He replied, stroking her hair. To his surprise though, she backed away.
"You say things like that too many times my lord. I have grown tired of hearing that and everyday it is the same." Her voice was low, and it held a ferocious tone. He did not like this. Things almost felt as if they weren't in love, but he knew he was, and he also knew his determination.
"Please do not put me in this position." He argued. His own voice was getting lower and he was hardening his face in defense.
"Tell me then, how you plan to let this out? How do you plan to tell your people; some of which know that I have pointed my bow at you, that we are in love? My lord it just doesn't make sense anymore." Tears were pricking at her eyes again, and his heart fell. He did not have an answer for her.
After too much silence between them, Tauriel stepped back completely, and her face hardened. Her hands went behind her back formally, like she did when she was only his captain of the guard. He wanted to grab her and snatch her back, but he knew she wouldn't let him.
"I think we need to reassess this relationship then…" She said quietly. He knew it hurt her to say those words. He knew, but he couldn't do anything. He made no response.
"I bid you farewell, my lord."
He felt his heart shatter as she walked out in a businesslike manner. It was agonizing to watch her go.
You can fix this. You will fix this.
He stood there in silence for a few moments, trying to think of ways to make it right again, to have her want to be with him again comfortably. The only solution though, was telling the kingdom about his love for her. He just wasn't ready for that.
She put him in an unreasonable position, but still he knew that it was completely reasonable. His head was spinning.
That night he did not sleep. Because if he did, he feared he wouldn't wake up or that horrifying images would just take place in his head. He paced around his room, worrying about Tauriel, and as his worry grew, he eventually intoxicated himself to numb the pain.
He found himself waking up on his couch the next morning, and the sadness of what had happened hit him again. The morning just reconfirmed that Tauriel had gotten angry with him, and because he didn't want to hurt her fragile soul, he let her go.
Maybe she was right after all, and some distance was the best thing for both of them, for now at least.