Lori was floating in a black sea of absolute numbness and comfort. No time, no light, no sound or pain. Funny, she always imagined there would be a light. She wondered for a brief moment if she would see her mother soon. There were so many things she wanted to tell her; How Gandalf had discovered her and helped her develop her magic. How she had gained friends in Kili and Fili, the ever fun-loving fellows who were deeply loyal and fought like devils to protect her. All of her doubts about how she would fit into the merry band of dwarves, and how she secretly desired to do so more than anything.

She would tell her about Thorin. The stubborn, cantankerous, grumpy, over-protective, chivalrous, magnificent and brooding dwarf king. How he frustrated her to no end in one second only to pull her in and make her knees turn to jelly the next. How he made her want to tell him everything all at the same time as making her terrified of what he might think of her if she did. She had even started to doubt if she really only was the tough-as-nails, I-can-take-care-of-myself, do-it-as-well-as-any-man kind of girl, or if perhaps there was more to her? Her short journey with Thorin had started to reveal that maybe she had potential for great things, even belonging, companionship or love?

But she would never know.

Her heart filled with a great sadness, so all-consuming that if she'd still been in her body, she would have wept bitter tears. It grew in her until it threatened to take over her very being and shatter her completely. For a good while - she didn't know how long - she wallowed further and further into despair.

The deepness of her sorrow scared her and caused her to fight back in anger. No. This would not do. She would not just forfeit her life and forego the chance to find out what her true potential could be. What was it that Gandalf had said? He had wanted her to find her destiny and her place in the world, whatever it may be. She would be forever damned if she gave up on that without a fight.

But how to fight?

She had no body, no senses and no weapons. She was in a world entirely of her own, and there was nothing else there.

Wait. Was that a whisper?

Yes, yes it was! There was a whisper in her mind, as if she wasn't alone. It gradually became clearer and Lori tried with all her might to call out to it, to let whoever was whispering know that she was there. Not having a voice made the attempt a very ill-fated one, though.

Perhaps in this world energy was the only law that applied. She reached for her magic like she had done before, but the whisper became loud and ominous, with only one word penetrating her mind. Don't!

That sounded oddly like… Gandalf! He was there! But… How?

Slowly more and more whispers came, but the prominent Gandalf-one kept drawing her nearer. The whispers became voices, voices she knew from somewhere… Was that Fili? Why was he shouting? And the rest of them as well. Really, there was no need to shout, she was not hurt here.

One particularly loud roar seemed to agree with her, because it silenced all the others and left the whisper in her mind to its work of pulling her up towards an imaginary surface.

Sensation came like a shockwave and she gasped loudly as pain exploded behind her eyes. She convulsed as she coughed and hacked, trying to control the blinding headache she had. At least she'd found her body, screaming nerve endings and all. Great.

Lori rolled over on her side and curled up in a ball with her arms around her pounding head. Tears flooded her eyes freely and she didn't have it in her to stop the sob that escaped from her. "Make it stop. Please!" She begged.

"Help her sit," Gandalf instructed.

Strong arms scooped under her torso and legs and gently lifted her from the muddy ground. She was pressed firmly into a shoulder clad in the softest fur and moved around with fluent grace until she sat in a lap with her head buried in warmth. A musky, slightly spicy scent touched her face and she found herself breathing deeper to draw it in. Her eyes were still squeezed shut from the pain and the arms around her held tightly, making her feel secure and aware of her woken body. Her mind would not drift away again while she was held this way.

Another pair of hands touched her temples and wrapped around to the back of her head and finally the pain reduced. Her body relaxed, but the arms anchoring her didn't let go. If anything, they tightened even more as she sagged against the warm furs. As the gentle hands on her temples slid away, she burrowed deeper and brought her hand up to cling to the softness of her 'pillow', only half aware and dizzy. But in stead of finding Thorin's coat, for Thorin it was, her hand touched the side of his neck underneath the dark mane of hair. A deep rumble erupted under her ear and the hand on her back started rubbing a gentle circle.

The skin on Thorin's neck was much hotter than Lori's hand and the surprising sensation woke her to also find it flushed red. She noticed that his pulse beat rapidly under her fingers. A pair of stormy blue eyes were looking at her with tenderness and a touch of receding fear, and he was so close she could count his lashes as she felt a wisp of his warm breath across her lips.

"You're hot," she croaked. "Are you alright?"

His expression contorted to surprise and amusement and landed on a mixture of exasperation and humour. "I'm not the one who was unconscious," he reminded her.

Gandalf interrupted them harshly; "Fool of a girl!" He hissed at her. "You completely depleted your energy, your life force, in that little stunt. And for what? Dry socks and happy dwarves?"

Lori frowned at him from Thorin's embrace. "Is that what happened?"

"You forgot to limit the spell to the company and it ran rampant until you were unconscious. Most of this valley has been dried off and wet by the rain once more! You must never exceed the limitations of your powers, Lori!" He seemed to calm slightly at the remorseful look on her face.

"But why does my head hurt so?" She brought her hand to the now dull throbbing at her forehead.

"You fell off your pony," Thorin rumbled. "And you hit your head on the flat rock, over there." He gestured with his head instead of letting her go.

"Oh…" That made sense.

"Be grateful it wasn't a sharp one, or I doubt even the wizard could have brought you back." The curtness of his words was tempered with the caressing hand on her back.

"He's right, you know," Gandalf reprimanded. "If you use magic carelessly, it is as likely to get you killed as any enemy of this world."

"I thought it was falling off my pony that was likely to get me killed." Lori quipped. Thorin hid a smirk behind her head so the wizard wouldn't see it.

"You are not in much risk of falling off your horse unless you're already unconscious, so don't do it again!"

"I won't," She smiled at him. "I'll make sure to limit any spells from now on."

"Good. Your head is not made of stone, silly girl." He tried in vain to hide a fond smile of his own as he stood up. "Though sometimes I find myself in doubt of the matter… Can you stand?"

"Sure," she said and the arms and legs surrounding her began to shift so she could be let up. As soon as she stood, her head started spinning and nausea wrung her stomach. Thorin's large hands grabbed her upper arms to steady her.

"Breathe slowly." He bent his knees slightly to look her in the eye. "Are you alright?"

"just dizzy… and nauseous." She said embarrassed.

"You have a concussion. But we can't stop for today yet - we've not gone far enough, so you'll ride with me and rest as much as you can."

Lori's eyes widened at the thought of being pressed against Thorin all day and it didn't install confidence in her that she would get much rest. "You may be right. But… I couldn't ride with you."

Thorin frowned slightly and let go of her. "You may choose to ride with one of the others if you feel more comfortable with them, but I don't think it's safe for you to travel on your own pony until you've recovered."

"I don't want to be a bother to you or the company… Gandalf?" She looked pleadingly at him. "May I ride with you?"

The old wizard mulled it over for a few seconds before his eyes flicked to Thorin who was looking rather dejected. "I'm afraid not, my dear. I already burden my horse enough and he needs to last the journey. Take Thorin's offer, he'll look after you well and be the perfect gentleman, I'm sure."

"Oh! No, I know that," She reassured Thorin, having read his mood as being offended. "Really, I meant no offence, Thorin."

The sound of his name on her lips sounded sweet to him, sweeter perhaps, than it should have. "So you'll ride with me then." It wasn't a question, and sounded quite gruff to Lori.

"If it's no trouble. Or I could ask one of the others?" She started.

"It's fine." He cut her off.

"Oh… Alright then." She fiddled with her hands and looked anywhere but at him until his one big hand covered both of hers.

"It's fine, Lori." Her eyes met his and he gave her a small reassuring smile that made her heart pound hard against her ribs. She took a deep breath to get herself under control and put on an air of perkiness for the sake of keeping awkwardness to a minimum.

Thorin mounted up and scooted back in his saddle to make room for her before he reached down a hand. When she grabbed him around the wrist he lifted her without giving her a chance to put her foot in the stirrup and placed her across the saddle in front of him.

"Umm… How should I sit?" Lori looked around to figure out how the most comfortable position could be achieved.

"Any way you like is fine, but sideways is best if you want to rest." The low rumble of his voice seemed to reverberate through his chest that she was now very close to. Her body was tense and the tension only served to make her head throb even harder in pain. Being pressed up against Thorin had her on edge and she didn't know where to put her hands or what to do with herself.

His right arm came around to support her back and grab the reins, and with his left he adjusted her seating and pulled her back to literally sit across his lap, much in the way they had just been sitting on the ground. Her left arm was tucked under his right shoulder and the only way for her to avoid being directly awkward was to rest her head against his chest.

Lori squirmed when something poked her in the hip and reached between them to find out what it was. Her pointy sai was digging into both her hip and Thorin's thick thigh and she was surprised he hadn't said anything.

"Here, let me just move this," The buckle that held the scabbard came undone and she put it on the right side with its twin instead.

Thorin sighed in relief, but at the same time looked a bit apprehensive that there now was nothing separating them. "Thank you." Then he cleared his throat and ordered the company to move out.

After a mile or so of sitting stiffly and trying not to touch her body too much against his, effectively giving herself a migraine, Thorin let go of his reins with the right hand and hugged her waist tightly to him as he whispered so no one else would hear, "Calm yourself, Lori. I'll hold you safely, just try to shut your eyes and rest for a while."

She deliberately forced herself to let go of the tension and soften against his form, only to discover that there was a lulling warmth there that slowly drew her into a soothing slumber. She didn't wake until evening when Thorin ordered to halt and make camp at the ruined farmer's house.

..o00Ô00o..

Lori had settled into her tent at the courtesy of Kili and Fili once more. The brothers didn't take more than a couple of minutes of amazing cooperation and almost artistic juggling before it was up, and her injury prevented her from doing anything but be in the way, so she accepted their help. Temporarily, of course; No need to throw away a hard won battle, after all.

She lay on her bed and took stock of herself. As much of her power and energy as she had used, much of it now seemed returned to her after a long day of rest on Thorin's pony.

Who was she kidding? Thorin's pony didn't really play into the matter as much as the man himself. If not for his strong enduring arms and warm comfort she would have been far worse off by now. It was a strange thing when she thought about it; most of the time he was harsh and stand-offish towards her and then sometimes this gentleness showed itself, turning her into a compliant, soft creature whom she hardly recognized.

Though resting had done her good, she now had a ghastly lump at her temple and the swelling didn't help her throbbing head any. She had the idea to use her magic to heal herself and briefly thought to consult Gandalf on the matter for safety. But it wasn't in her nature to run for conformation every time she needed to do something, and as she had said earlier, she would take the utmost care to limit the spell this time. Besides, Gandalf had stormed off earlier after an exchange of words with Thorin, to what purpose she did not know.

Having progressed in leaps and bounds over the last couple of days concerning fire- and water magic, Lori wasn't overly concerned that healing would be that hard. After all, her healing gifts had occurred spontaneously even when she wasn't aware of her magic, so there wasn't much to stop her from experimenting with it now.

She put her hands gently on her temples and concentrated on finding the energy within her. This time she caught it quickly and harnessed it, guiding the ripples towards her head to speed up the healing process. The whole session took a few seconds, and when she opened her eyes there wasn't even a hint of pain and the lump was gone.

To her surprise, Balin poked his head through the tent flap without warning. "You alright Lassie?" He asked.

"Fine… Why?"

"The whole tent just lit up like a sunrise. Thought it best to check on you." He lifted a white bushy eyebrow at her.

"Oh, sorry. I didn't know it did that…" She got up to crawl outside, not wanting to repeat any version of the Kili incident.

"No worries. You never know with wizards so I just wanted to make sure you were alright." He winked and sat back to continue chopping potatoes, onions and carrots for the stew.

"Speaking of wizards… Is Gandalf back yet?" She sat down next to him and took up peeling the potatoes that still needed it.

"I'm afraid not." There was a nervous tension in his posture that alerted Lori to the fact that the dwarves found great safety in Gandalf's presence, and his absence was acutely noticed.

"Don't worry. He'll be back before you need him. I've never seen him miss an event that he was meant to attend, and I doubt the old badger has even left us out of his sight." She comforted the old dwarf.

"Glad to hear it, lassie. Glad to hear it." He smiled at her kindly.

For a little while they sat together in compatible silence and prepared the produce.

"Balin?" Lori broke the stillness between them apprehensively.

"Hmm?"

"What do you think of me? Honestly?"

He looked surprised at her query, "Well, I hardly know you. It would be premature of me to judge you just yet."

"Oh, right… No I meant; what do you think of me joining the company?"

"Hmm… Well, at first I thought it was a really bad idea, but you seemed stubborn enough to not let us tell you what to do, so that's worked out somewhat alright." He mused. "Then there was the matter of you being attacked by wolves, but I think you handled that quite well... For a girl."

Lori was about to protest against the jibe when she saw that the elder dwarf was goading her and smirking behind his enormous white beard. She backed down immediately with a sly smile of her own.

"Also, and don't tell him I said so, but I think it was a poor judgment for Thorin to have you riding behind us, parted from our protection, so I blame him for that incident in part. You do tend to get injured quite often, I must say. How's the head?"

"Perfectly fine, thank you. The light you just saw did the trick…" Her voice was a bit tight at having her flaws pointed out to her, but then again, she did ask for his opinion.

"Did it now? I suppose you'll be putting Oin out of his healing business soon?"

"Not lightly," She smiled. "I can't do much yet, and only under very controlled circumstances... But Balin, am I a burden to you, with all of my injuries and differences?"

"Now, why would you ask such a question then?" He stopped what he was doing and looked at her intently. "Has someone said something to make you think that, lass?"

"No, no, nothing like that. But it seems to me that Fili, Kili and especially Thorin have taken on a lot of my burdens since we started out… I just don't want them to resent me for it."

"Well, do you know what I think?" He leaned closer. "I think that this is a tightly knitted company of fellows who take good care of each other. If and when you are accepted into such a company, they also take good care of you. They accept you, lassie, and therefore take care of you when you cannot do it yourself. We all do."

"But I'm not one of the company, am I?" She half asked, half stated.

"No? Let me tell you what Thorin said to me before we went out from Bag End… 'Loyalty. Honor. A willing heart… I can ask no more than that'. So you tell me if you don't meet the requirements of this journey, because as far as I have seen, you do."

With that he rose and went to give Bombur the ingredients for their supper, leaving Lori to mull over his words.

She was willing to travel all the way to see the dwarves returned to Erebor and their quest to reclaim their homeland fulfilled. Her loyalty lay with them and her intentions were pure, she had no ulterior motives for going. Not even their gold and riches held any appeal to her and she wasn't contracted to a part of it the way Bilbo and the rest of them were.

Her honor, however, suffered under her secrets and her cowardice. It demanded that she tell her leader who she really was and let him make his own judgment of her instead of her keeping certain things from him for fear of how he might react. How they might all react.

The thought of seeing disappointment, mistrust, anger or even disgust in the eyes of her new found friends put a vice around her heart and every time she thought of saying the words out loud it tightened painfully. Fear pushed the words back down her throat, making it feel like she was choking on them.

She had to tell them, though. Thorin had even said directly to her that she needed to be open about herself if they were to include her and trust her the way she wanted.

'Tomorrow,' she thought. 'Tomorrow, I'll tell Thorin about my father.'

..o00Ô00o..

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