Note: So here is a somewhat angsty chapter for you guys. And before you read I am going to say that I have twisted some canon things about elves that may or may not be true, but I am putting it here for the sake of fitting the story. So because I am doing that I suppose I should say that I do not own any of the LOTR Hobbit material. These things have just been twisted for the sake of entertainment and all that. With that said, I hope you like what I came up with. Please leave a review and tell me what you think! I should have the next chapter up sometime by the end of this week, but no promises on that. Now enjoy the chapter! ^^
Tauriel did not sleep for three days. She couldn't trust herself to not have terrifying dreams anymore. She walked away from Thranduil and realized that the pain it brought her was unbearable. While most saw it as her probable guilt for causing the death of Lady Feriadis' son, she saw it as her distancing herself from Thranduil. She realized a moment too late that she was being unreasonable with him again, and she couldn't blame him for anything. But then again, he needed to know what was on her mind as well.
It was a constant battle in her mind between staying away and running to him. She hadn't even seen him these past few days, not even to report their findings in the woods. She sent Merenor to do it, and he understood.
Within those days as well, Lady Rainil had tried to visit her for more chastisement, but Tauriel hopefully scared her off for good with a sour face. It conveyed just how much she couldn't deal with her world around her.
She began to wonder if she would ever find peace.
On the fourth day of spending the night alone, she actually did fall asleep, and she woke up screaming with the nightmares that it contained. No one came to her aid though, there were absolutely no gentle kisses or reassurances that she was here now and that she was okay.
She realized then just how terrible her existence was, and began to lose hope for everything.
After she calmed down, she finally got ready and visited Maein to see how she was holding up. Her stomach was getting bigger and it was harder for Maein to do anything. She worried about how she was going to deliver a proposal to the council when they held their next session.
"I can talk to the king for you and make things right." Maein offered. She was sitting in her usual comfy chair and sipping a mixture of herbs that helped with the pains her unborn child was giving her.
Tauriel simply shook her head. "You need to rest. If you want that child to come out right you can't stress yourself with my problems. Besides, I think it's a good thing I have kept my distance with him lately. Things are getting far more dangerous to be sneaking around. I feel like we might be attacked by something."
"I can see the lost hope in your eyes Tauriel. Don't try to mask your pain from me."
"I'm not trying to do that it's just… I need to keep my mind occupied with other things, or else I will fall away to nothing in my sadness. But even then I am stuck. I don't know what purpose I serve in being here anymore, when all I do is cause problems. I don't save anyone."
At that Maein actually stood up. It was a great effort for her to do so, which made Tauriel step to help her. But by the time she reached her she was already standing. Maein grabbed her shoulders really hard and gave her an angry stare.
"How could you say such a thing? Tauriel your life matters. You cannot just discount yourself as a pawn to serve the king. You two are in love! I see it—"
Tauriel covered her mouth. "I do not know if this is love anymore, and I am not even a pawn. I am just chaos that sends this whole kingdom into frenzy with everything I do. I know that someone is just waiting to get their ears to hear this, but they will not, even if it isn't true anymore."
She wrenched free from Tauriel's mouth. "It is true. Please don't do something reckless Tauriel. Your life is precious value; If not to the king then to me. You have helped me through so much, and you do not deserve to suffer. Just let me help you please." Maein was actually near tears, and it broke Tauriel's heart.
But she guided her friend back down to her chair, and gave her a small hug.
"I fear I may be beyond help now." She said quietly, and then left.
The days following without Tauriel were numb for Thranduil, and he wasn't surprised to see Merenor giving Tauriel's report. At the end of every one, he asked how Tauriel fared. Merenor replied with the same answer: she looked fine.
They both knew that was a lie.
When Thranduil wasn't worrying about the kingdom, he was trying to figure out ways to get Tauriel back, and confess his love. But he found himself trying too hard and burning out of ideas. It almost seemed like there was no way to do this.
But he was determined, and he wanted to find a way.
Thranduil was currently sitting on his throne, when Feren came in to interrupt his thoughts, but he realized soon why his new advisor was here, and it somewhat gave him hope.
"What brings you here, Feren?"
The elf smiled and bowed his head. They both knew the answer, but it was better to be formal. "I am here to listen. What happened between you and Tauriel? She's seemed quite down as of late, and she comes to the training room every night to destroy the practice body I have set up for new recruits."
"She walked out on me. I think the main reason for that is because she is scared of the secrets and what has happened because of it."
"You missed the big reason I'm afraid."
Thranduil couldn't believe it, Feren was retorting back to him. Maybe it was a sign of how soft he's been, especially lately. But it still took stepping over a certain line to make him angry, and Tauriel has indeed changed and affected him in ways he couldn't have imagined. He truly missed her presence, and it won't be too long until he goes completely insane because she isn't with him.
He went back to Feren's words, and remembered the big reason why Tauriel walked out. It was because of him. He thought he could just keep it a secret, but she was right. There were way too many things at stake. But then again when he looked at it from his point of view as a king and her ruler, it was starting to seem like what she did was justifiable, and it took just a few long moments to let her go completely.
Except, he did that, and it didn't work.
He let out a big sigh, and rested his head on his fist. "I am well aware of what I forgot to mention."
"My lord, I do not think I can advise you any further on this situation. I have already sworn to keep this a secret so I can't ask what anyone else might think of it, but I believe that if you have good reasoning, your people will follow."
"Is love a good enough reason?" It was so weird to wear this kind of expression in front of Feren. He was probably amazed behind that neutral face.
"I believe it is."
That voice made them both jolt. It didn't come from him, it came from a woman. Soon enough, Lady Feriadis showed her face, and she was smiling. Thranduil however, felt a little too vulnerable, and cursed at himself for being so careless at that moment.
"My lady, what brings you here?" He asked, and in a bit of an irked tone.
"I just wanted to talk to you about the other councilmembers and where they stand on letting females fight, and I am here to tell you it's going to be an even match. Lord Lanthirdir and Lord Heriedir have already been convinced by Lady Rainil on why it is a bad idea. However, I got Iuithon to side with myself and Lady Aderthadis."
"How long had you been listening to this conversation?" The news she brought was not pleasing to Thranduil, and it meant that he was going to have to be the tiebreaker. He was going to have to consider it now, and actually listen to both sides, so it seems fair.
"I have been here long enough to know about your true feelings. You need not worry though, I have no intention of saying anything about this to anyone else, but I suggest you don't keep Tauriel waiting too long. If you do she may leave." He was beginning to realize just how odd this situation was.
"Do you know anything about that?" He asked nonchalantly.
Lady Feriadis shook her head. "Tauriel can leave in a number of ways. The look she wore on her face was grave, like maybe she had seen something.
Thranduil didn't want to consider it though. He finally straightened himself up and thought about the information that she brought. His own problems would have to come a little later.
"I will think on it more. Now you said that two of the lords aren't in favor of women being allowed to fight?"
The lady nodded, and Thranduil let out a sigh, but it wasn't one of discontent, it was one of slight annoyance. He really didn't want to go through the process of reasoning it out or being a tiebreaker. But it was his job, and he had to be fair, and listen with an open mind.
"Very well, bring both Lords in and I will speak to them on the matter." Both elves left, and for once his mind did not go back to mush when they did.
He had a long evening in front of him, and he really just wished he could retire now and find Tauriel. Maybe it was time to speak with her and reason. If their love was strong enough, they would get through this. They have already been through a lot together, and thinking on her last words about reassessing, he knew there was no need.
By the time he had made up his mind, both lords had entered, and he braced himself to get this over quickly so he could find her, and tell her what is on his heart.
Tauriel spent a long time in the training room trying to get her skills back on par so that she could be more useful in the patrols. She fought past her struggles enough that they didn't happen anymore. The only time she saw herself failing was in sleep, so she didn't want to do that anymore.
Though even not sleeping was a risk, so she was at a loss of what was right.
'Talk to Thranduil,' she thought. But the other side of her immediately shook that away, because she had to stand by her reasoning. And thinking of the last thing she said to him about reassessing her relationship with him, she was thinking that maybe with time she would just forget about them ever having any more intimacy. It saved her a lot of trouble and hassle. She would no longer have anything to hide.
Because on the fourth day without a word from him about informing his people about what they did together, things seemed pretty adamant now when it came to where he stood. Her head was clearing out the mush that she might have thought was love.
In the days past when she tried, somehow she felt his embrace and she almost fell to the ground in agony.
If this is what love is I do not want it.
Before that pain had the chance to overcome her again, she had to report for her patrol. So she did, but was there a little bit later than she expected.
In fact, the patrol was starting to leave without her.
And in the woods, the thick air was so close to the kingdom now. Her fatigue slowed her down too, but she didn't notice. She wasn't paying attention to it.
It didn't occur to her just how out of it she was until orcs were popping up all around them.
She sprang and the elves sprang into action, slaying orcs left and right. As if that wasn't enough trouble already, the enhanced spiders also showed up. The scene was too much for Tauriel, but she didn't realize.
And then she got stabbed, right in the stomach where her scar from the spider was.
She cried out in agony, but killed the orc and a few more around her until she fell to the ground. Her consciousness was going in and out.
Through it, she saw that as the fighting was dying down, her group of elves was surrounding her. But they only looked down, not bothering to do a thing. She couldn't speak, and her breath was coming short. But she heard some of the terrible things they were saying.
"We should just kill her here. It will save the kingdom some trouble."
"Who cares what the king says, once a traitor, always a traitor."
Through them she heard Merenor's voice. "Stop it all of you! She is your own kin! Why would she be on anyone else's side?"
"End me." Tauriel managed to croak out.
One of them actually raised their dagger, and she couldn't make out his face, but before he did anything, he was knocked to the side by someone that wasn't Merenor.
She didn't know it was actually Naradeth until she heard her voice.
"You are not going anywhere. You're going to be okay." That was the last thing she heard before everything went numb.
Thranduil had just finished listening to the lords' opinion on the matter of women fighting, and was about to make his decision when Merenor came in. He was sad to see it still wasn't Tauriel, but then worry entered his face when he saw that Merenor wasn't wearing his normal neutral look. Instead, it was replaced with one that was serious.
Before he could ask, Merenor spoke.
"We were attacked by orcs and spiders today. One of our men captured one and it has been taken to Feren for questioning. The reason for that is so that you can come with me. Tauriel has been injured and she is unconscious."
She could leave you in a number of ways. Death might be one of them.
He didn't care anymore who saw him going to the quarters of Maein and Merenor, but the look he wore on his face was neutral. He didn't want anyone to see what he was feeling.
Once there, his mask dropped, and his stomach churned as he saw a very pale Tauriel lying on a bed that was transported from the healers' room. She looked the same as she did when the spider had attacked her. But the wound on her stomach looked worse.
Next to Tauriel he saw one of the healers, and noticed she was wearing a guard uniform that was a bit large on her. In the distance he saw Maein, who was crying. The whole entire scene wasn't pretty.
He got angry when he learned of how some of her own patrol was talking about killing her.
Many hours passed by her side and she was healed to best of all of their abilities, but once she woke she would need some days to recover. He swore to be there when she woke up, unless there was something more important than just the daily report. He feared that the moment he left her side she would truly be gone, and he would not have a chance to say a thing to her.
"What are you going to do when she wakes up my lord?" Maein asked from her chair. There had been a long silence after their chanting was over, and he realized how awkward it was when she finally spoke.
"Tell her I love her, and that I am going to make things right." He didn't look up when he spoke. He watched Tauriel intently, hoping that she would wake up soon.
After Tauriel was healed, she became aware of it because she had entered a dream state that was unnatural for her. She was looking at the room she was currently in, where Thranduil was next to her and talking to Maein. She couldn't hear what they were saying, she could only see them.
"Am I dead?" She asked out loud, to no one in particular.
"No." A gentle voice said, which made Tauriel look around in worry. But soon her answer appeared, as she laid eyes upon a figure that showed before her eyes.
It was Iestebeth. Tauriel knew her image from the dream she had that one morning. Tauriel immediately looked concerned, and felt ashamed. She bowed her head.
"My lady." She said quietly.
Iestebeth put a hand up though, and walked over to her for reassurance, though Tauriel only felt guilt.
"I am not angry with you Tauriel. I am very actually very happy for you both. Please allow me to explain."
Tauriel looked up, and she saw the genuine expression the former queen held on her face. So she nodded, and waited for her to continue.
"Thranduil and I are technically not married anymore. You see what I am now don't you? I am but a mere spirit that guides the most injured souls back to their bodies. I was given the special task of doing so for you, so I could explain why you two desire each other."
Tauriel gasped at the realization. The fact that she was just a spirit meant that she would not be reincarnated in another world, which explained why Thranduil did have room to love again. It was something unnatural and unheard of, yet it was somewhat amazing. For her it was, at least.
Before anything else could happen though, another figure appeared in the room. It was Queen Galadriel, and the expression she had on her face was the same as the people in the room that were actually conscious.
"My lady, what brings you here?" The former queen asked.
"I have come to warn Tauriel about something. While what you have said to her is true, I saw something terrible that happened when she woke. Yes, this situation is very unheard of for the three of you, but before Tauriel can be at peace, she must leave Mirkwood for a while."
Now Tauriel was confused, and her head was suddenly spinning, despite the fact that she was in a dream state where it wasn't possible.
"May I ask why?"
Before anything was said, Galadriel had planted her vision in Tauriel's head.
It starts out peaceful, with their reunion happening, but she then sees flashes of him speaking out to his people. It must have been his confession because their reactions are certainly wild. Then the vision cuts directly to multiple elves trying to kill her, and the whole kingdom is tearing itself apart in debate. Then orcs come to attack, and the vision ends, clearly stating what will happen.
"I don't understand, how will me being absent fix anything?" She asked once it ended. She didn't realize it but tears were falling down her face.
"The elves that wanted to kill you have been influenced by a certain individual, and until she is dealt with, and the second wave of orcs has gone away, I will send word to Thranduil of where you are if we have both seen a future where Mirkwood survives."
For the first time Tauriel understands, and she's sad to have to leave, but she knows now that she must. If it means that not being a part of their lives for a while will save them, then she'll do it. She nods.
"I will have one of my men meet you at the shore of Lake Esgaroth; I know you can make it there." Galadriel said.
"Good luck, and know that I am watching you both with a smile on my face." Iestebeth added in the last moment before she made it ready for her to wake.
Her eyes fluttered open and she breathed in softly, making everyone in the room aware of her state. She first saw Thranduil, and tears flooded her eyes. He quickly wiped them away, and she indulged in the warmth he provided.
She sat up, and the herbs covering her stomach fell to her legs as she did. Thranduil gasped to see that the wound closed up.
"Tauriel, I am a fool." He started, but as he opened his mouth to say more she stopped him.
"I was being unreasonable with you, I realize that now." She gave him a quick peck on the cheek before their lips met at last. She remembered seeing this in Galadriel's vision. In order to prevent everything else, she had to leave. She decided in this moment, as their lips were fused, that she wasn't going to tell him.
Fate decided to be on her side, as Merenor cleared his throat to make himself known. They broke apart, and looked at him. Tauriel blushed because she became aware of her appearance in that moment.
"Feren wants to speak with you my lord, the orc has been drained of information. It is urgent." He kept his face surprisingly neutral, which showed what a good soldier Merenor was. "Glad to see you awake Tauriel." He added after a pause.
Thranduil straightened out. "Come with me Tauriel, you might want to hear this."
Tauriel gave Maein a look, and realized that Maein was in pain. But it seemed as if she was faking it, and faking it well.
"It's best if I stay here and look after Maein. She looks like she's in pain." She gave him another quick kiss on the cheek. "We'll see each other again, I swear."
He left then, and Tauriel quickly grabbed Maein's guard clothes and put them on. Thankfully they were about the same size, but Maein looked concerned.
"Why are you putting on my uniform?" She asked.
"I have to leave, before Thranduil realizes what I am doing." Tauriel replied. "When I was unconscious, I spoke with his former wife, who told me why we desire each other, but before she could wake me up, Lady Galadriel appeared and told me that if I stayed here the kingdom would fall."
"Tauriel, why would the kingdom fall if you stayed?"
"Your mother influenced the elves against me, and there are more orcs coming I need you to tell Thranduil to not speak of me until he gets word of where I am."
Maein looked like her head was spinning, but she nodded.
"Will you be back before the baby comes?" That made Tauriel freeze, and she realized then, that she still had purpose. She sighed, and shrugged. "I hope so." Was all she said.
She gave Maein a long hug. "Tell Thranduil that I meant the last words I said, that we will see each other again. Now goodbye."
"Goodbye."
She went back to her room first to get her bow and necklace, hoping it still had the charm on it that would let her go out unseen.
With little luck though, Lady Rainil happened to be the one who saw her. And of course she knew a lot more now.
"Well if it isn't our little traitor running up and about so soon. Tell me, what did you have to do for the king to make him keep it quiet?" Her voice was high with confidence, and Tauriel realized that she had the perfect opportunity to do something she had wanted to do for a long time.
She punched Lady Rainil in the face, knocking her straight back and unconscious.
"That should keep you quiet for a while." Tauriel said with a satisfied look. For some reason, now that she was awake, her energy had been renewed again. Maybe it was the fact that Thranduil had healed her well, and they were on good terms again. Nonetheless, she was determined to do what was best for her kingdom.
Once she climbed over the tree and ran to Lake Esgaroth though, she felt extremely lonely once more.
She stopped halfway there, and looked back. She could no longer see the kingdom, but she knew it was there somewhere amongst the trees. Tears fell down her eyes, knowing that it might be some time before she was able to come back.
With the new hope that things would work out after all, Tauriel set out once more.
There was a Lothlorien guard captain waiting for her at the shores, just as Galadriel stated. He greeted her formally, and gestured for her to mount the extra horse he had provided.
As she rode out, Tauriel wondered if Thranduil had discovered her absence. And if he did, she wondered what his reaction would be. She hoped that above all else, he would understand.
But then she remembered what his reaction was the last time she left, and she hoped that it would be different. Especially because Maein knew that she was leaving this time.
As she gained more distance from her home, her worry grew, but her determination held high. She just hoped their love would conquer distance. Maybe if she believed it enough, it would.