WARNING! ADULT THEMES AND ACTIONS!

The darkness. I am surrounded by it, it consumes me and posses my very soul and nothing can save me. Three years ago my life was over. I don't leave my ship anymore, I didn't put a figure out of my box. I can easily outlive my remaining days here and the best of all, no one will get hurt because I am around. It's been exactly three years since I've lost my family. All of it, in two days. First, my Amelia, my glorious Pond and her husband, was taken away from me by Weeping Angels. They are dead now, I can never visit them, or see them or even send a letter to them…A letter.

The Doctor still had Amelia's last farewell letter which he found in that detective book. He did one thing she asked him to do, he came back to her child-self and told her a magical story. When little Amelia fell asleep, the Doctor left for good. For three years he could still hear her last words to him: "Raggedy man, goodbye". The Doctor flinched, he knew he was brooding, but he didn't care. He doesn't care much about anything right now. The Universe showed again no mercy towards him, it took everything away, his people, his friends, the love of his life, his equal friend he shared a burden of other people's plots with.

After standing over Rory and Amy's grave, after reading that letter, the Universe threw him another loss. The next day, the latest version of River came to him in the green-golden dress and said that it was time to take her to the Singing Towers. To tell that he was crashed, is to tell nothing at all. His last threat to Amy, his wife and dear friend, his always understanding River, was going to her death soon and ultimately become his past.

He didn't fall in love with her, not even after they got married in that aborted timeline, but he cared deeply for her, he regretted and pitied her life which was ruined simply by the fact that her parents was his friends. And now she was gone too. He sometimes was thinking of Martha's words to Donna, about that he was like fire, that people who got close to him got hurt. Well, all three Ponds paid an ultimate price for being his family. And Brian…Poor Brian, the Doctor couldn't bring himself to come and visit him, to say how sorry he is. He was a coward, he wouldn't bare the accusing even hateful look on Brian's face. He ruined the whole family's lives. He whipped his eyes and stood up from his chair.

Enough of self-hatred today. After these two terrible losses the Doctor landed in the Victorian London and disguised his TARDIS in the clouds, so no one could disturb his limbo. Somehow, the TARDIS chose to land next to someone he knew in this life, specifically Jenny, Vastra and Strax. First he didn't even opened the door for them, even when they were banging in it for hours. After sometimes he let them in, they showed no judgment, no resent, they just were kind and he was grateful for that. Jenny was trying to get him to eat and eventually he gave up. Now, every week they visit and bring him food and news from the outside world. He had unending supplies in the TARDIS, but it was nice that someone cared for him enough to bring him different dishes. They tried to persuade him to go on adventure or at least out of the TARDIS for a walk, but he refused. He doesn't want to leave this place. He detested the Universe right now and he had no obligations in saving it or helping anyone. It took away too much from him.

The Doctor decided that he'll stay here, on this cloud, until he'll outlive his last regeneration and that's it, he'll find peace finally and no one will get hurt because of him, he even liked his self-made prison.

Besides everything the Doctor still had one problem. Although he promised Rose that he won't wait for her, he couldn't help it. He persuaded himself again and again that she is not his personal guardian angel, that she can't appear every time something bad happens. Plus, the way he handled his death and marriage…Woow, that must have created another dozens of paradoxes. And then New York paradox. It's very likely that Rose just can't get through all this without burning half of the Universe, she won't take that risk. He knew that better than anyone, but he still wanted to see her. He wanted to talk to her, because she would understand and bring at least some comfort to his soul.

The Doctor came in his room. He was wearing some old pants and a t-shirt he wasn't sure he had until this morning. He slept more frequently now, perhaps because of constant emotional exhaustion, perhaps because of his age, he didn't care much why. He fell into the restless sleep.

After two or three hours of nightmares the Doctor woke up. But he didn't wake up because of terrible dreams, he got used to them, he even craved them, they reminded him that he was still alive. No, he was woken up by someone's gentle touch. Someone was stocking his hair gently and whispered something soothing into his ear, he felt so warm and good for a moment and then he opened his eyes.

He saw big golden-brown eyes looking at him with such a painful compassion, her long blonde hair was curly and she was wearing a long blue dress, when he opened his eyes Rose smiled at him and then he broke. He hugged her fiercely and started to sob like a wounded animal, he was so, so tired and crashed he just needed to get at least some of this off, he shacked violently in her warm embrace, Rose didn't flinch or moved, she just hugged him even more tightly and tired to tell him that everything is going to be all right, that there is still hope for him, her heart was breaking for his pain, she wished she could change the past and bring everything back, but the Universe has to move forward and she obeyed this law.

After hours of lament the Doctor finally started to calm down, he didn't have to say anything or explain anything to her, she understood that it wasn't only because of Amy and Rory, it was years, centuries of suppressed emotions and pain and now it came out. They were lying in silence, his head on her soft breasts, her chin was resting on the top of his head and he clang to her as if she was the only thing that was keeping him sane. Rose kissed his forehead and he drifted off to sleep.

-Morning, sunshine. – Rose said with a smile.

The Doctor turned quickly. She was still here, in his room. He thought that maybe he dreamt last night, but no, she was half-sitting on the sofa and reading a book.

-Morning – he smiled back, it felt so unnatural to him, it was like his muscles forgot he could smile.

Neither of them wanted to bring last night's incident, Rose knew that he wouldn't want to discuss that moment of weakness, which she didn't consider as weakness. Everybody has limits, even the Doctor. And the Doctor…well, he was the Doctor.

-I didn't expect you stay for the whole night – he said. – Thought I dreamed you up.

Rose put the book out and came close to the Doctor. She hugged him and he crashed her as close as possible to himself.

-I'm sorry about last night – he said into her neck

-No – she freed himself a bit to be able to look into his eyes – Don't be. You have all the rights in the world to be angry and hurt. It's a normal reaction – she smiled a little – it's a wonder you can hold up this good most of the time.

-Thank you for coming here. It was… - the Doctor sighed heavily

-I know, my Doctor – Rose took his face in her hands. – But you have to live on, you can't throw your life like that. And I'm speaking to you as your friend, not as the Bad Wolf.

-I can't – the Doctor closed his eyes. Rose pressed his forehead to hers, his hands were resting on her waist. He felt like home and he didn't want to go into the outside world.

-My poor Doctor. – Rose felt tears in her eyes. He was so vulnerable right now, she could see his torment soul, he didn't realize what beauty and strength she actually saw in him, every him. She did something, she never expected to do. She kissed him.

The Doctor's eyes snapped open. He felt soft Rose's lips on his and didn't know what to do. He hesitated for a second and kissed her back. Screw it, he thought, for once I won't think about consequences, at least once I'll give in and do what I want not what is right. His kiss became more fierce and passionate and then Rose parted her lips. The Doctor felt the heat running through his veins. He moaned blissfully when he felt Rose's tongue exploring his mouth. He decided that he wanted more and he started to kiss he neck, leaving marks on her gentle skin, Rose moaned and he felt that his length was getting hard.

Rose didn't expect that her innocent kiss will transform into something more, but she didn't care. She loved him and she wanted this, she remembered how good it felt when they made love in Pete's world and she wouldn't miss such an opportunity now, even though her senses changed all she could think right now was the heat between them and the way his hand was touching her breast.

The Doctor got back to her lips and kissed her hard. He wanted to make up for every missed day he wasn't kissing her, he wanted to feel something besides gaping hole in his chest and this was the best cure he would ever find. He felt Rose's hand on his stomach she touched him lightly and than her hand went lower to his very hard member. He growled onto her mouth and they rushed on his king-sized bed, never breaking the kiss.

Rose started to put her dress down; the Doctor helped her and took of his own shirt. Rose now was lying gloriously naked in front of him. The Doctor felt nervous, his confidence vanished into nothingness. He wasn't intimate with anyone in a very, very, very! long time, plus it was Rose, not another queen. Rose noticed his uneasiness and smiled at him reassuringly, she started to unfasten his belt

-Don't – the Doctor said huskily. He didn't have much of a self-control left and if she would touch his exposed length he wouldn't be able…to finish business properly. He took of his pants and lied down on the top of her. He touched her face gently, he could feel every curve of her body and then she said something that made him the happiest person in the world, at least for tonight

-I love you, Doctor.

He couldn't control himself anymore, he kissed her with all the passion he held and they made love.