AN: Some references to other stories of mine but reading those aren't necessary. Also Sam's sister Sasha is based off the character Sasha from 'The Walking Dead', in looks if nothing else.
"Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor." - Thích Nhất Hạnh
PART II: Conscious Breathing
Sam was dreaming. He knew he was because his dad was there and so was his grandmother. It was Thanksgiving at Nana Elise's house. His parents, sister, aunts, uncles and cousins were inside but he didn't see his Nana. He had gone outside searching for her and saw her sitting on the porch on the swing staring at the setting sun.
"Nana?"
"I was waiting for you, child. Come sit." The 14 year old sat next to his grandmother and leaned into her embrace.
"I knew, you know." Sam felt confusion at that.
"Ever since I saw you looking at Danny Nunez like he hung the moon when you were ten." She said with a chuckle that made him turn red. He had tried to keep his feelings towards boys secret because he felt his grandmother would be disgusted with him. He told her as much.
"You are my grandbaby. God knew who you would be before he put you on this earth. I don't care what those bigots and prejudiced bastards say. You live the life you want to live. You're only going to get one. Love who you want to love." Sam felt lightness in his chest at her words.
"Of course I didn't think it'd be Captain America. Mmm, he's cute." He looked at her with confusion again. Steve's after her time. How would she know?
"Don't think I'm not watching over you. Now things are going to get a little difficult but remember to breathe. Everything's gon' be alright. Just breathe." Sam felt even more confused at her words but was distract when he heard someone calling him distantly. The dream disintegrated around him as he jolted awake.
Sam opened his eyes and immediately closed them as the light flicked on.
"Damn it. What the hell, Steve?" He groaned.
"Mr. Wilson." He heard a familiar disembodied voice say.
"JARVIS?"
"Captain Rogers is in the bathroom. He is in distress and his vitals are concerning. He's asked me to wake you." Sam could almost hear anxiety in the AI's voice. Sam opened his eyes and pulled back the sheets wondering just how serious this was. When he saw a large blood stain on Steve's side of the bed he got his answer. He was immediately out of bed and running to the bathroom. He threw the door opened and found Steve passed out on the tiles, blood under him and on his hand. He felt his heart nearly rip out of his chest at the sight and he ran to his side and immediately checked his pulse. It was thready but there and he was still breathing but where the hell was the blood coming from?
"JARVIS, wake everyone. Tell Bruce and Betty to ready the med-lab."
"Of course." Sam pulled Steve up as much as he could until they were standing. He wrapped his arms around Steve waist and started dragging him towards the elevators. It took longer than he liked but eventually they were inside and the elevator was moving to the medical lab. Steve woke up with a moan of pain as the elevator rode down.
"Ah... Sam, it hurts." He whimpered holding tightly to Sam's shoulder as he grunted from the pain. Sam didn't know how to make it stop and that killed him.
"We're almost there. You'll be fine." Sam vowed. Truthfully he had no idea if that was true but it had to be. The elevator doors opened once they reached the basement and Bucky was waiting outside the doors with a serious expression that crumbled into horror when he saw all the blood. He immediately grabbed Steve's other side and together they carried him into the med-bay, whimpering and moaning in obvious pain with blood droplets trailing behind them. His state was enough to give the rest of the Avengers pause. He could see them all wondering how the hell this happened but thankfully Betty was the cooler head that prevailed. She wheeled a gurney over and helped Steve get on before wheeling him further into the med-bay past another glass door and into a curtained area.
"Bruce, Tony, Jane get in here! The rest of you stay out of the way if you want him to survive." Bruce immediately ran into the med-bay while Tony and Jane looked a little like deer in headlights. They weren't those kinds of scientist but then neither were Betty or Bruce. That was not a comforting thought but ultimately the two geniuses ran towards where Betty had taken Steve, making sure to close the glass doors behind them and secure the curtains which were thick and dark enough so Steve was away from their line of vision. As soon as they were gone he was barraged with questions.
"What the hell happened?"
"Were you attacked?"
"How could this happen?"
"What's going on?"
Sam didn't answer any of them; he just sat back heavily in one of the chairs and dropped his head into his hands. This felt surreal, it shouldn't be happening. It couldn't be. He knew something was wrong with Steve even though he tried to hide it. He knew he was vomiting almost every morning months ago then it stopped. When they were running he would actually sweat and be a little winded, not nearly as much as Sam or even Bucky and Natasha but enough that Sam noticed and he noticed the increase in his sex drive and appetite but he didn't say anything because he trusted Steve to come to him if it was something serious. Honestly, Sam had chalked it up to the stress of senate meetings and debates as well as going after HYDRA and standing up for mutants' and super-humans' rights to anonymity and privacy wreaking havoc on his hormones. He had no idea this would happen, if he lost Steve...
He shuddered and pressed the palm of his hands into his eyes. He felt someone sit beside him and soft arms that smelled of cinnamon wrapped around him comfortingly. Sam leaned more into his sister's embrace, drawing what comfort he could from her.
"He'll be alright. He's stubborn, you know that. Whatever this is, he'll beat it." Sam wanted to believe that but all the blood and Steve's moans and grunts of pain. Sasha began stroking his hair and leaned her head on his shoulder as he remained silent. There was nothing he could find to say, not until he knew whether or not he was going to be planning a funeral soon.
It was maybe fifteen minutes later that a door opened but it wasn't the one Sam wanted to see open. He recognized some of the people filing into the room behind Agent Hill and Agent Simmons as a part of SHIELD's medical department.
"What the hell is this?" Clint asked from his place on the floor across from Sam next to Natasha.
"Stark called, said they needed some more medical scientists and equipment. We came as soon as we could." Maria explained. Jane came bustling out from behind the curtain looking harried and frantic and they didn't miss the flecks of blood on her clothing. She quickly opened the door to let the SHIELD doctors and scientists in.
"Just go straight to the back." She directed, they immediately went towards where Steve was hidden without a word.
"Jane, what's happening to Steven?" Thor asked with concern and confusion. Jane opened her mouth to answer but closed it as if searching for words.
"It's... hard to explain and we're not sure of anything yet but he's okay right now. His super healing is starting to kick in so we managed to stop most of the bleeding and we've got him stabilized but we still got some work to do. I'll update you as soon as I can." Jane said quickly before slipping back into the room, locking the door behind her.
"At least they stopped the bleeding. That's a good sign." Sasha said in reassurance.
"Yeah, it is." Natasha said, backing her up. Her voice was steel and iron and so confident that there seemed to be no way that you couldn't believe her.
She always was a good liar. Sasha too. Sam thought.
They sat out there for an hour and a half more waiting for news, good or bad before Betty, Bruce, Jane and Tony finally filed out the room, leaving Steve in Maria and Simmons' hands along with the other SHIELD personnel. The look on the four scientists' faces did nothing to lift Sam's spirits. They didn't speak when they came out and none of the Avengers who'd been waiting asked any questions, perhaps wanting to live in ignorance but it wasn't that blissful to begin with anyway so ultimately Sam sucked in a gasp of steadying air and made himself ask.
"Is Steve dead?"
"No, he's stable now and sedated." Bruce answered immediately.
"What was wrong with him?" Bucky asked now that he was able to think with the knowledge that his brother wasn't dead held close to chest. The four scientists looked at each other like they weren't sure what to say or do.
"You do know what was wrong with him, right?" Clint asked for clarification.
"Uh-huh, yup but... it's... well... I've honestly got no words." Tony stuttered. It was rare to see him flabbergasted so whatever it was it was big.
"Just tell us." Sam demanded. His boyfriend nearly died, he didn't need the run around right now.
"Steve was having a miscarriage." Jane blurted out.
"Miscarrying what?" Sam asked.
"Miscarrying a... baby well, a fetus but... yeah." Jane continued hesitantly, stopping altogether when Betty gave her a look at the 'fetus' part that clearly said 'not the time for science terms Jane, you're supposed to be in sympathetic friend mode not slightly insensitive, hyperactive astrophysicist mode'. The room went pin drop silent, no one uttering a word or looking away from the four scientists. They were all waiting for the punchline but Sam felt anger welling up.
"That shit is not funny." Sam said through gritted teeth.
"Steve nearly bled to death in my arms and you're cracking jokes? Tell me what's wrong with him."
"Yeah, kinda wishing it was a joke but it isn't. Rogers was pregnant." Tony threw in.
"In case you missed out on anatomy, which I find hard to believe, Steve's a guy. I'm more certain of that than most." Sam answered. Betty stepped forward and spoke in a calm voice.
"This is why it was a little overwhelming for us when we did a scan and labs and got back the positive pregnancy results. We called in SHIELD thinking our equipment was busted but they got the same results and the surgery we just performed-"
"We had to in order to save his life. We found that he has a uterus, though we didn't find a viable birth canal, and he was pregnant. 24 weeks pregnant." The room became very quiet again, Sam went still in a state of shock as Betty continued talking.
"We think the serum probably is the cause of the physiological changes in his anatomy. Erskine wasn't sure of all the effects it would have on him or if it would even work but there was some speculation in his notes and made later on by other scientists that there might be some code switching at his base amino acids and gametes that could theoretically give him female internal structures. Erskine died before he could check Steve out and with him not really having any medical exams thereafter we would never know until something happened, like now." Sam sat back in disbelief as their words sunk in. He felt like he was in a friggin' science fiction novel.
"Wait, you said was pregnant and that he was having a miscarriage. Is the baby dead?" Clint asked, Sam's head snapped up. Betty turned to speak directly to him.
"There's bad news and good news. The bad news is that when we opened him up we found that your son was already dead. I'm sorry." Sam looked down, not really sure he could take much more surprises tonight.
"We delivered him and cleaned him up and you can see him if you want." Betty let it sink in for a few seconds before continuing.
"The good news? We managed to get Steve stabilized and have his healing kick in quick enough that we were able to save your daughter." Sam's head snapped up again.
"My... daughter? You said was pregnant."
"He was pregnant with twins. He's not anymore, just one baby. She was a little distressed but not enough that we had to deliver her. I'm sorry about your son but congratulations on your daughter." Betty finished with a small smile and Sam wondered how the hell she was so at ease with this. Guess having Bruce Banner/The Hulk as a boyfriend really expands your mind. Good for her but Sam was freaking out and if the walls moved in anymore he was going to hurl.
"I need a minute." He mumbled before stumbling out of the med-bay to the stairwell off to the side and sat heavily on the steps. He felt like he couldn't breathe, his chest felt tight and his lungs hurt. How the hell had he let this happen? He should have just confronted Steve and made him get checked out back when he first knew something was wrong. If he'd done something sooner maybe this wouldn't have happened, Steve would've never been in that level of pain and their son would not be dead.
Their son.
He never thought he'd attribute those words to himself and Steve. Sure, they talked about having children one day in the abstract but their lives weren't conducive for children. How the hell was he supposed to do this? How could he protect Steve and their daughter when she was born when he couldn't even protect their son in the womb? Sam sat with poisonous thoughts of self-doubt and self-blame for about five minutes before the door opened and he felt cold metal brushing against his left side as Bucky sat next to him.
"How long do you plan on wallowing out here when Steve needs you in there?" He asked bluntly.
"Seeing as how I apparently just lost a child I never knew I could have had, I think I'm gonna be a minute more." Sam answered with a bit more venom than he was usually comfortable using.
"That's fair and I respect your right to mourn but not if you're going sit out here and stupidly blame yourself for something that isn't your fault."
"I knew something was wrong with him for months and I didn't say anything."
"Steve's stubborn, he probably didn't want to worry you. This isn't his fault any more than it's yours. I'm pretty sure this possibility wasn't even close to the list. You lost a son, I'm sorry you did but you've still got a daughter and you've got Steve. You might not feel like you can now because you think you hurt him but you've got to be there for them. You know he's going to blame himself once he finds out. You have to be there to pull him through this and you've got me and Nat and Sasha and Clint and everyone else ready to pull you through this. You're not doing it alone."
Sam felt like a balloon was inflating inside of him since he first saw that bloodstain next to him and Bucky's words effectively burst that bubble. Sam could feel his throat burning with the tears he was holding back. One or two fell but that's all he would allow even as the cold metal of Bucky's hand rubbing against his back outweighed the comfort he wished to give through the touch. Sam took a deep, steadying breath and grabbed ahold of his emotions, pushing them down and shoving them on a shelf to deal with later. He abruptly stood up and straightened his shoulders. Bucky was right, Steve did need him. He moved to walk away but Bucky grabbed his arm before he could get far.
"Don't do that."
"Do what?"
"Don't shut down, don't close yourself off or sacrifice your own feelings for Steve. You know he'll hate that."
"Coming from you, that's real rich."
"Coming from me you'd better take it to heart. You're right, you lost a child. A whole world of possibilities just died, you're allowed to feel that. You told me people are allowed to feel angry and hurt when they suffer a loss. You should really start taking your own advice, this is becoming a pattern." Sam knew he was referring to the time he tried to run away after Loki brainwashed him. He started getting urges to kill Steve and instead of sticking around and seeing if they could solve it as a team he tried to isolate himself. Bucky wouldn't let him do it then either.
'If you need help I'll help you because that's what you did for me. I'll be with you 'til the end of the line.' That had gotten through to Sam then but this was different and he told Bucky as much.
"You're getting ready to isolate yourself because you're afraid of hurting Steve. Yeah, he's going to be hurt but it won't be your fault. You think I'd be here if I thought it was?" Sam silently conceded that Bucky would be standing like a sentinel at the doors blocking Steve from the others if he thought any of them would intentionally hurt his brother.
"You and Steve need to grieve together and deal with this and what it all means so you can focus on your daughter. Don't take that away from him or yourself." Sam felt emotions that he tried to stamp down welling up again and he fell back against the wall behind him, his shoulders starting to shake with suppressed sobs and his eyes blurring with tears. He felt Bucky hesitantly and cautiously pulling him into an embrace that was more comforting than the cold metal on his shoulder was. He felt the tears running down his face as Bucky pulled back and held his face with steady hands.
"It isn't okay. None of this is okay. You're angry? You get to be. You're sad? You get to be. You're afraid? You get to be that too but don't do it alone, it won't make any of this better or okay." Sam nodded and Bucky pulled him into one more hug before letting him go.
"The baby, he's in a room. Betty said you could see him if you want. He's... you can see him." Sam wasn't sure if he could or should without Steve but he needed to. He needed a moment with his son to himself before he even confronted what he would say when Steve woke up and how he'd react to all the shocking news. Sam wiped his face clean of tears but he knew his eyes were red and the tear stains on Bucky's shirt were enough evidence towards it. He took another deep breath before abruptly turning towards the door and striding out of it without so much as a waver in his step, he could hear Bucky walking directly behind him. When he got back to the makeshift waiting room everyone was still there and looked at him as he entered but his gaze remained on Betty.
"I want to see him." He didn't need to specify, she understood who he meant. She nodded to him.
"Of course. I'll make sure the room is empty for you." Betty walked off towards the curtained area beyond the glass doors.
"Sam..." He heard Sasha say behind him, her hand coming to rest on his shoulder.
"Sammy, I know you have to do this but you don't have to go in there alone." Sam turned towards his sister.
"You know what Ma always says, 'there's just certain things you gotta have the strength to do by yourself.' This is one of those things."
"But you don't have to."
"The room's clear." Betty said from behind him. He kissed his sister on the forehead before slipping away from her and following after Betty. He didn't hear footsteps following behind him.
Beyond the curtains the room opened up to a bloody bed and equipment, where they were first working on Steve he supposed, and then there were four doors beyond that point. One he knew to be an operating room, one was a large room with an MRI machine and an X-Ray machine, the third and fourth were bedrooms. Beyond one door laid Steve, beyond the other their son. He followed Betty to the room closest to the operating room. She didn't say anything once they stood in front of the door she just walked away and left him there. He felt himself trembling wondering if he made the right decision doing this on his own but he steeled himself. He had identified his father's body, he watched Riley fall in a fiery spiral out of the sky and happened upon what could no longer constitute as a body and he held the love of his life in his arms while he was miscarrying the babies neither knew could exist so he needed to do this, he was strong enough to do this. He needed to see his son.
He reached out and slowly opened the door. The room was silent and on the bed wrapped in a bundle of blankets was his son. He closed the door and was enclosed in oppressive silence, he was the only one breathing in the room. He inched away from the door towards the bed until he was standing above the painfully small bundle. He started crying again when he saw him, his child. He reached a hand out to him but pulled back. He didn't want to hurt him anymore than he'd hurt already. In a way he was glad Steve wasn't here. The baby's skin was reddish pink, no real discernible shade yet and his eyes were closed. He didn't have hair on his head yet but his eyebrows were a dark shade of brown. Everything but his face was covered. Sam preferred that.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He whispered to the child before he turned and walked out the room. Once outside he leaned heavily against the door, trying not to sob too loudly. The SHIELD operatives were still bustling around somewhere and he didn't want to deal with the awkwardness. When he managed to pull himself together and looked up Maria was standing across from him looking for all the world like she'd rather be anywhere else.
"I don't do... this. You know, comfort and gooey emotions that's just... not me. But you're a good guy and Cap's alright when he's not ordering me to kill him so... you know...my condolences and all that jazz." Sam wasn't sure what to say so he didn't say anything.
"Anyways, Rogers will probably be up soon and he'll need you so I'm going to get my people gathered." Maria began walking off but Sam stopped her.
"Thanks for helping Steve and the babies. I know you did all you could."
"It's no big deal, figure I owe you one." Maria replied with a barely there smile you'd have to know her to see.
"I'll do my best to make sure Steve doesn't drag you into his suicide missions in the near future." Sam replied, quirking a shadow of a smile.
"That would be appreciated. Be easy, Snap." Maria told him with genuine comradery in her voice before continuing to walk away. Sam took another deep breathe and suddenly his dream of his Nana came to his mind.
'Everything gon' be alright. Just breathe.' He wasn't sure he was in the right mind frame to look closer into the dream and what it could mean but he let his Nana's voice calm him and he continued to take deep breaths before he pushed himself upright, held his hand to the door and then began walking towards Steve's room. It was just as hard to walk into Steve's room as it was their son's but he could breathe a little easier with the knowledge that at least Steve was alive beyond the door. He carefully eased it open and walked inside with enough stealth to make their resident super-assassins and spies shed a tear in pride. He silently shut the door and then turned to Steve in bed.
He was asleep, sedated would be more accurate. His skin was pale white but clean of the blood that previously poured out of him. For someone as big as him (and awkward to boot while still not quite accepting this body as his body but keeping it nonetheless because what else was there to do), he looked frail. He had seen pictures of Steve before the serum and thought he was safe with the knowledge that he'd never have to deal with Steve being that... breakable. He'd had quite enough of looking upon his dead loved ones' broken remains, that was never meant to happen with Steve. With Steve he'd resolved that he would go before the blonde did but now Steve was vulnerable, not just from his own body which seemed on the fritz from the pregnancy but outside sources.
SHIELD now knew he was pregnant and while he did trust Nat, Clint, Maria, Phil and his team and even Fury there was no real guarantee that HYDRA was completely flushed from the organization or the government for that matter or the general public. The government would probably want to kidnap Steve and their daughter and experiment on them. HYDRA would love to get their hands on the child of a super-soldier, perhaps turn her into a weapon like they had Bucky. Who knew what the average person's reaction would be? They couldn't risk the truth getting out, that much was clear. Sam walked close to Steve's bedside and carefully took his hand, not wanting to wake him. Partly because he wanted to put off telling him the truth and partly because Steve needed the rest.
He looked around at the set-up. Steve had a plethora of wires running through him monitoring his heartbeat, blood oxidation, blood pressure and all other manner of things. He could see another monitor was showing his hormonal levels and they were way off his normal. It wasn't life threatening but it explained a lot of the changes in his running capabilities, sex drive, appetite and metabolism.
There was one more monitor across from the bed and Sam knew it was a fetal heart monitor with one look. He'd seen them before at the VA for the pregnant vets who came trying to handle both their pregnancy and PTSD at once. Their daughter's heartbeat pounded throughout the room alongside Steve's, his a strong staccato and her's light and fast like a hummingbirds wings. His eyes became locked on the small monitor as the wavy lines switched to a live 3D ultrasound. Seeing his son had been surreal. He looked more like an unfinished doll than a baby but hearing his daughter's heartbeat with Steve's while looking at her in the womb, alive and moving, was the most real thing to happen that night. His free hand moved to Steve's abdomen of its own volition. His stomach was firm but then that was nothing new. It was the slight roundness and loss of ab definition that was new. Sam was careful because he recalled they did surgery and he didn't want the wound to reopen so his touch stayed light.
He felt slight movement under his hand, barely noticeable, but now he knew what it meant. It was like all his worries, all his doubts were instantly washed away and most of the sadness and anxiety were wiped away by this new being that they created. He would admit he left a part of himself in the room next door but the parts in this room felt an ever expanding pit of love grow within himself. The 3D ultrasound switched back to the jumpy lines of her heartbeat. He sighed his first sigh of some relief. He wanted to protect them more than anything even more now. They were his family and he knew he'd give his life for them in a heartbeat. He just hoped once Steve got over the shock he would be able to be happy about their daughter even though he would be sad about their son. Sam suddenly felt pressure against the hand that was holding Steve's. Steve was squeezing it. He was waking up.
Well, here we go. Sam thought and it in no way prepared to have this conversation.
'Everything gon' be alright. Just breathe.' He took another deep breathe.
Breathe Sam, just breathe.