Nothing is more wretched than the mind of a man conscious of guilt. – Plautus

PART III: Wretched Minds

Steve had woken up in enough hospitals to recognize the annoying beeping going on in his ears and he'd been with him long enough to know the feel of Sam's hand in his. He squeezed his hand, his arm catching up with his brain even as his eyes struggled to open. He felt pain all over, particularly in his abdomen. His mind was brought back to when Bucky shot him on the helicarriers but it was a different feeling than being shot. He vaguely recalled being in excruciating pain and bleeding a lot but that's as far back as his memory reached. If he wanted answers he would need to fully awaken for that. It took longer than he would like, they probably gave him enough sedatives to put an elephant to sleep. After a herculean effort his eyes were finally able to crack open to the too bright lights of a medical room. He was tempted to snap them shut again but instead he squinted against the whiteness and rolled his eyes in the direction where Sam was squeezing his hand. He was standing above him with a smile dimmer than usual and his eyes were red, probably from both crying and exhaustion. If Steve were crasser he'd ask 'who died' but seeing as how it was almost him he refrained.

"On your left." He said instead, his voice sounding rougher than normal. Sam's smile brightened a little so that was a victory.

"You had better be." Steve smiled up at him as Sam leaned down to press a kiss to his forehead.

"So... is it my asthma?" He asked teasingly with a real question underlying it. He knew that his health getting to this point was partly his own fault. He should've just told Sam something was wrong the minute he started puking. If he was upset with him after this he wouldn't blame him. Sam's eyes roamed over his body before looking him in the eyes and something in them gave him pause. He seemed like he was struggling for words which wasn't usually like him. Steve furrowed his eyebrows, it couldn't be that bad.

"Sam?"

"It's definitely not asthma."

"But you know what it is?" Steve asked, trying to fish and make it a little easier for his boyfriend.

"Yeah."

"Is it terminal?"

"... depends who you ask."

"Am I better?"

"You're not dying."

"Is it contagious?"

"That'd be inconvenient and scary but no."

"Well is the bleeding episode going to happen again?" Sam's head shot up with a fire in his eyes Steve rarely saw.

"I will not let that happen again." He said fiercely. Steve was a little taken aback now and startled.

"Okay Sam, enough with the twenty questions. What the hell is going on? What happened?" Steve asked. Something had changed, he didn't know what it was but it affected Sam deeply and the way he was acting made it seem like he was weary of Steve's own reaction.

"It's hard to explain Steve. You don't even know... it's hard to explain." Steve sighed exasperatedly. Sam was trying to protect him like always and this was one of the times it was annoying him.

"Just tell me." Some of his annoyance must've shown in his voice from the look on Sam's face. He sighed seeming to gather his inner strength before he took the plunge.

"You're pregnant and you were having a miscarriage." Steve stared at him for a moment before he started laughing. He had to stop after only a few seconds due to the pain it caused in his abdominal area but he still chuckled softly. Leave it to Sam to try to lighten the mood. It was one of the reasons Steve loved him. He didn't notice that Sam's face remained serious until a minute later.

"Come on. Tell me what's really going on." Sam didn't say anything.

"Sam." He still got no answer.

"Sam?"

"Steve, I'm serious." Steve wasn't smiling anymore.

"That's ridiculous, not to mention impossible so just tell me. Is it cancer? Some kind of serum side effect?" Sam pointed to Steve's right and he hesitantly looked over to it. There was a monitor there showing the pointed lines of a heartbeat.

"It's my heartbeat, so what?"

"No, this is your heartbeat." He said, indicating the monitor to Steve's right which was clearly attached to his arm. He looked back over to the other heart monitor and visually followed the cord to his stomach. He felt himself breathing faster as the screen switched to show the image of a small baby. It was hard to explain, looked like something out of a sci-fi movie. He looked to Sam with confusion.

"What the hell is that?"

"Our daughter." Steve stared at him dumbfounded.

This is a joke. An elaborate joke. He's trying to get me back for keeping secrets from him.

"Okay Sam, you've made your point. I should've told you the truth. Can we end the joke now?" Steve stared at Sam expectantly, waiting for him to burst out laughing and smile his crooked smile and start joking about the look on Steve's face.

"Steve…" Steve swallowed a deep breath, trying to calm himself down because Sam looked dead serious and this was impossible, he was a guy. He couldn't be pregnant and what the hell would he do with a baby? He had no idea how to raise a kid, much less hold one. He'd be a horrible father, he'd mess his kid up, traumatize them, maybe he'd raise another Loki. It was a moot point either way because he wasn't pregnant. He tried to think straight but the beeping was so loud and he could hear it now, the second heartbeat in the room. His was a strong baritone and then the other was a flurry of beats.

No, this isn't real. Get ahold of yourself, Rogers. None of this is real, you're still dreaming. That's it, you're asleep. Just wake up and it'll all be over.

Just as he managed to start to calm down he jumped up a bit in bed, his stomach throbbing with the movement.

What the hell?

He felt something moving inside of him. Something… something…

Jesus Christ, I'm pregnant!

"What is it? What is it?!" He exclaimed frantically looking to Sam and not touching his stomach.

"What?" Sam asked confused.

"This… thing, what is it? Is it HYDRA? Is it some kind of alien, what the hell is it?" Sam looked vaguely amused at Steve's freak out now.

"Pretty sure it's just your run of the mill gestating baby. Or so Betty says." Sam replied sarcastically. Steve glared at him before looking down at his stomach like something was going to rip its way out of him.

"Hey, hey look at me." Sam said, tilting Steve's face towards him as he didn't look away from his stomach.

"I know it's confusing right now, and honestly it's get even more confusing and what I'm going to tell you is going to hurt but you'll be fine. I'm right here with you and I'm not leaving you. I love you." Sam leaned and pressed a kiss to Steve's lips and the effects were just as they were after the incident with Ultron. His nerves and muscles instantly relaxed and he returned the kiss as much as he could while still half in shock. Sam pulled away and leaned his forehead against Steve's before pulling away and staring at him, probably to assess if Steve was going to go into panic mode again.

"I'm not going to have a mini meltdown again, just tell me what's happening." Steve implored, wanting everything to make sense again. Sam sighed before he looked into Steve's eyes. Steve felt a deep sense of foreboding settle in him at that look. How bad could it be?

He jinxed himself. How bad could it be? He was tempting fate asking himself that question. He was pregnant for five months and didn't know; now as a result his son would never get a chance to live. Of course he could never have guessed he was pregnant (and he felt stupider than ever for not asking Erskine more questions than he did) but he had known something was wrong and now...

He looked up at Sam, he looked sad and it was clear in eyes he had been crying and was exhausted. He was hurt and Steve did that to him. He couldn't stop his father from dying in the war, he couldn't save his mother from illness, he wasn't fast enough to save Bucky from falling from that train and into HYDRA's clutches, he hurt Sam, he killed their son, how was he supposed to protect their daughter if he failed everyone else he loved?

"Stop it." Sam said firmly.

"Do not sit there and blame yourself because it's not your fault. There was nothing you could've done."

"I could've been upfront and told you something was wrong. We could've prevented this If we knew I was... pregnant." Steve had to force himself to say the word. He was not comfortable with this reality, he didn't know if he ever would be. He was still half expecting this all to be a sick joke or a bad dream.

"There are women who know about their pregnancy from week one and still have miscarriages and it isn't their fault, it just is. Granted the circumstances are different here."

I'll say. Steve thought dryly but didn't say anything. He had a responsibility and he failed. He thought back on all the things he'd been doing lately that was bad for a pregnancy. He'd been drinking alcohol, mostly beer and wine, but it was still alcohol. He been drinking coffee nearly every day and running rigorously (due mostly to him noticing his ab definition disappearing and now he knew why) plus he'd been fighting HYDRA and going on missions and he had taken physical hits to the abdomen. The fact remained he did not protect their babies and one of them died, there was no changing that.

"If you're going to blame yourself you should blame me too." Steve looked at Sam with confusion. He was getting a little annoyed of feeling so confused.

"I knew something was wrong with you and I didn't say anything about it." Steve froze at that and then sighed.

Sam knew. Of course he knew, shouldn't have tried to keep it from him anyway.

"How long?"

"Way back when you started blowing chunks. I didn't say anything because I wanted you to trust me enough to tell me."

"It's not that I didn't trust you Sam, you know I do, I just-"

"Didn't want to worry me, I know. Either way, if you feel that you're to blame better dig a grave for me too." Steve looked down at his stomach, his fingers ghosting over it. He was still a little freaked out and afraid to touch it. A baby was inside there, his baby. It was going to take getting used to.

"Besides, I was the one who knocked you up. Didn't know my sperm was that strong but when your back and feet start aching feel free to hate my guts." Sam told him jokingly. The last thing Steve wanted to do was laugh but he began chuckling at Sam's attempt to cheer him up. He didn't know that his laughter turned to crying until the tears physically burned the back of his eyes. Sam pulled his head into his chest as Steve sobbed.

"I got you. I'm not letting you go." Sam promised him. It made him cry harder. Steve pulled away from him and moved over in the bed to give Sam room to climb in. He didn't waste time and as soon as he was settled he pulled Steve into his chest and held him tightly as the tears ran down his face. He sunk into Sam's embrace finding comfort, warmth, understanding and love there. He felt safe crying in front of him and as he felt Sam press a slightly wet cheek against Steve's forehead he knew that feeling was mutual.

"Did you see him?" Steve asked some time later after they lay together grieving their loss.

"Yeah, I did."

"I want to see him." He felt Sam tense up against him prompting Steve to lift his head from his chest and look up at him.

"You don't want me to." It came out more accusing than Steve had wanted to say it.

"Honestly, no I don't. And it's not because I think you can't handle it because I know you can but I think you're going to punish yourself even more over something that you couldn't prevent and I don't think that our son would've wanted that if he could've had a say. I think that it might be too much of a shock on your body, if not your mind. You just got out of surgery and you need to recover more and I... I just don't think you should." Sam said softly. Steve knew Sam was doing his best not to offend him because he didn't want to fight and Steve didn't either, not now. The fight wouldn't really be about Steve's pride, it'd be about his guilt and he didn't want to say or do something he'd regret or get too riled up and possibly hurt their daughter (more than he already had anyway).

"What did he look like?" He asked, dropping the subject of him seeing him for now.

"He looked like... a doll. He didn't have much hair but from what I could see it was dark brown. I couldn't really tell a skin tone yet and his eyes were closed so..." Steve looked away, feeling his throat and chest tighten again but he pushed through it.

"Maybe he would've had your eyes." Steve theorized.

"I think I would like that. Maybe she'll have your eyes though, that'd be better. She'll be breaking hearts with those baby blues in no time." Sam answered, sensing Steve's need to get off the topic of their son for the time being.

"On second thought, it's better if she takes after me in the romance department. Lord knows you're as smooth as a cliff face." Sam teased. Steve scoffed at that.

"I got Peggy." He said haughtily. Sam was the one to scoff this time.

"Peggy got you but in your defense no one is good enough for that woman." Steve bit back a smile. Sam had the hugest crush on Peggy when he was a kid that didn't abate in his adult life so their first meeting was interesting to say the least. Lots of blushing and innuendos were involved, that's for sure. Sam practically worshipped the ground she walked on. Steve didn't mind because he still loved Peggy and Peggy adored Sam. Bucky always joked that if Sam was around back then or if Peggy was younger the three would probably form a threesome. Steve didn't bother denying that.

"I got Sharon." Steve said, continuing to present his case.

"To shut Natasha up and because Sharon felt a little guilty about lying to you about being a SHIELD agent."

"I got you."

"Moment of insanity."

"A 4 yearlong moment."

"What can I say? Your dimples are very convincing. The skin tight shirt didn't hurt any either."

"Don't forget the baby blues." Sam finally flashed Steve the smile he had been waiting for, the bright one that warmed him up starting from his toes and working its way up only to zap all his worries away. Steve felt his lips involuntarily quirk into a small, soft smile as Sam once again managed to pull him out of himself and make him feel lighter than he had since he woke up. He leaned up and pressed a soft kiss to Sam's lips briefly.

"Thank you." Sam smiled impossibly wider at him and looked like he was going to say something but there was a knock on the door.

"Is everyone decent in there?" He heard Tony ask.

"Tony, Steve just had surgery what would they be doing?" Bruce asked reproachfully.

"I know what I'd be doing." Steve could practically hear the lecherous grin in Tony's voice and Bruce's put upon sigh was clear as day.

"Can we come in?" Sasha asked. Steve and Sam looked at each other and positioned themselves so Sam was sitting up with his back propped against the headboard and Steve half sat up while resting his back against Sam's chest. Sam wrapped his arm around Steve's torso, staying conscious of the stitches in his stomach.

"Come in." Steve called, once they were comfortably situated. The door immediately flew open and their housemates flooded into the room. Steve was pretty sure they already knew by the way all their eyes shot to his stomach first before making their way to his face. Tony just confirmed his suspicions by jovially stating,

"Yay, a baby avenger! Thought that task was going fall to me and Pepper, good on you to take the responsibility away Cap." Steve rolled his eyes at Tony's words.

"Well, I'm here to help." Steve replied dryly.

"Look at us. Got our own mascot now, like a real team." Tony continued, practically bouncing in place.

"Mascot?" Thor asked with confusion.

"Really? Of all the earthly things we've yet to explain to you that one's on the list? How is that even possible? Your fault, Capsicle." The genius ranted as Jane began explaining the concept of a mascot to her fiancée. Steve didn't even bother asking how the blame fell to him.

"Honestly, I gotta say I was tempted to come in here and lecture you two about contraception." Clint said. Sasha rolled her eyes as she walked over to Sam's side of the bed.

"Yeah, no kidding. You ranted about the merits of wrapping it up for like ten minutes, Birdie." She pointed out before cleaning down to kiss Sam's forehead. There was annoyance in her voice but her nickname for her boyfriend told them she wasn't really annoyed.

"But then I thought 'what's one more member of the team'?" Clint continued as if she didn't speak.

"She'll be cuter than this bunch, that's for sure. I have so much to teach her." Natasha commented. Steve wasn't sure if he wanted his daughter taking lessons from Natasha about anything but then again he'd feel secure if he knew she was Natasha certified.

"Maybe that'll be her superpower; she'll enchant people with the ferocity of her adorableness." Clint theorized.

"Not a word." Natasha commented.

"Is now."

"Is not."

"Is so."

"Oh please." Natasha scoffed. Bruce's voice broke through Clint and Nat's bickering.

"Congratulations, if this is a good thing for you guys. If not then, well..." Bruce trailed off awkwardly, scratching the back of his head.

"Nice going. Solid sentence you managed to form there." Tony said sarcastically, causing Bruce to look even more sheepish.

"Yeah, it got away from me." Betty patted Bruce on the back comfortingly while Steve smiled a bit at his attempt to make conversation and answered so he wasn't left floundering anymore.

"Don't worry Bruce. This will take some getting used to but I don't think it's a bad thing, not all of it anyway." He said looking down as the memory of his son came back to him. The team had come in and per usual took his mind off the sadness he felt. They kept the conversation on his living baby for which he was grateful. He felt a hand grab his free one and he didn't have to look to know it was Bucky; he held his hand tighter as he felt a kiss being pressed to his forehead. He looked over and Sasha was leaning over the bed rail smiling at him, he smiled back. He was still sad and shocked and felt guilty but he was also surrounded by friends and family and that was more than he could ever have hoped for in such a situation as this.

In the end Steve does not go see their son and Sam's grateful for it. Steve still feels a little like Sam's trying to protect him but maybe he needs it this time so instead they decide to have him cremated. They drive to the Hudson together once Betty gives the okay for Steve to move. The Avengers along with Maria and Phil's team accompanied them and Steve doesn't try to stop them. When he was a kid and on the occasions one of them weren't sick his mother would bring him to the Hudson and hold up against the rails as the breeze blew the grimy air off the water's surface. Crazy thing was it never made him sick, it always made him feel better and the feel of his mother's arms around him, strong and supportive, was something that never faded away even if when he tried to draw her he could never get her face exactly right. The whole team went out on one of Tony's boats and when Steve was ready he let the ashes flow through the air, letting the breeze send them drifting away from them and towards the bridge. No one said anything, there was nothing to say.

When they got back to the Tower Clint finally broke the silence.

"What now?"

"If people find out…" Skye said before trailing off.

"They'll want to experiment, use me and use her to do who knows what." Steve finished. The others looked at him and their faces showed that the thought had crossed all their minds as well.

"Much as I love the whole team being together, might be harder to hide this with the paparazzi camped out across the building." Tony commented.

"That plus all these upcoming Senate meetings don't exactly provide a stress free environment." Bruce added. He and Betty had shared their theories on Steve's pregnancy and had pegged the cause of the miscarriage on extreme stress.

"People can be cruel when they are afraid and as these past few years have taught us, anything that is different makes people afraid. So how do we keep Steven safe and make sure that he is in a stress free zone?" Thor said. Everyone was silent and contemplative before Maria spoke up.

"Maybe we get a little help from some friends." Phil looked at her and the two seemed to silently communicate with each before Phil turned to Steve and Sam.

"How would you two feel about upstate New York?"

"Specifically?" Sam asked.

"Westchester County."

"Isn't that where Professor Xavier's mutant school is?" Clint pointed out.

"Well, the Professor and SHIELD are long standing allies. He's the one we called in to help with psychological issues out own psychiatrists couldn't handle."

"He's the one who removed the Red Room's triggers from my head and I got him to remove the triggers from James' head too before we met up with you and Sam again, Steve. He's trustworthy." Natasha threw in. Bucky nodded next to her.

"You've been speaking up for and defending mutants to the Senate too. I don't it should be a problem. They've seen stranger than a pregnant man and they have doctors and scientists there who might be able to understand mutations of this kind better than our people can." Maria said.

"So we go there and the lay low until the baby is born and then what?" Sam asked.

"One hurdle at a time. I can arrange to them accommodate you as soon as you give the okay." Steve looked up at Sam and could see the wheels practically turning in his head as he went through pros and cons.

"Do you mind giving us a minute, guys?" Steve asked. The others in the room wordlessly filed out of the living area and into the kitchen to give the couple some privacy. Steve got up, stood in front of Sam, grabbed his hand in his own and began stroking the back of it with his thumb.

"What are you thinking?" Steve asked.

"Whether or not we should take the chance of trusting Charles' students and people not to leak something or if we should chance you being subpoenaed or attacked or found out or stressed out here."

"You think they'd turn me over to the government? To gain what?"

"I don't know. Immunity or something. I just don't want anything to happen to you, Steve."

"Natasha trusts the Professor so does Bucky. Maria and Phil seem to trust him too. I've met him once along with two of his X-men, Dr. Grey and Dr. Munroe, in a Senate meeting about the registration acts. They seemed like good people. Dr. Grey knew a lot about genetics and mutations, she could probably help a lot."

"You want to go." Sam pointed out.

"I want to give her her best chance and maybe the tower isn't the place for that. At least not until after she's born and we have our story down." Steve replied. Steve had failed their son, no matter what Sam said he had, he didn't want to fail their daughter too and if that meant going into hiding then that's what he was willing to do.

"Okay, if you want to go we'll go." Sam sighed and wrapped his arms around Steve's back pulling him into his embrace. Steve rested his head against his shoulder and returned the hug.

I won't fail again, I just won't.