Tony had been right in assuming that the days with Rhodey would be the best for him since the whole Shield/Hydra debacle had went down.
Sure, Bucky was still there and he still didn't remember Tony, but having Rhodey there made that easier to bear. Rhodey insisted that Tony wouldn't hide in his workshop, it was his own goddamn tower, but he never made Tony face Bucky on his own. Rhodey was always there and it helped to know that someone was with him who understood what was happening.
Still, Tony spend as much time in the workshop as he could but since he still needed to make a few adjustments to his new suit Rhodey wasn't really complaining. Tony came out of the workshop regularly, for food and sleep, and sometimes just because he wanted to. Not that he was particularly keen on seeing Bucky but he found that he liked it if more people lived in the tower.
Steve, Bucky and Sam made no indication that they wanted to move out any time soon and the others dropped by regularly. Tony didn't know where exactly Natasha and Clint were living right now, but whenever they came by he made sure to mention that they had floors here and that he would like if they moved in. Maybe he didn't say it with those words but he hoped he got his point across. Thor usually stayed with Jane whenever he briefly visited from Asgard but he made sure to always say hello to them. Bruce had only briefly stayed in the tower and now he was off again, doing good work in some third world country, Tony wasn't sure. Bruce had asked to be left alone and while Jarvis knew exactly where Bruce was Tony hadn't asked for any more information.
It was very different from his solitary lifestyle in Malibu but it was a nice change. Tony even tried to convince Rhodey a few times to stay, longer or forever, but Rhodey declined every time and Tony couldn't for the life of him figure out what was better than living in the tower and with him but Rhodey stayed adamant on that topic.
Rhodey also tried to talk Tony into telling Bucky and Steve the truth but after Tony shut him out of the workshop after that he dropped the topic. They never talked about the whole mess again but whenever Tony had to interact with Bucky, or more often Steve and Bucky, he would send sympathetic glances towards Tony and he always made sure to stay close to him.
Since Rhodey came to the tower, Tony didn't have to face Bucky alone even once.
When Rhodey finally left for his assignment it was hard for Tony to face Bucky alone again but somehow he managed. He tried to keep the meetings as brief as he could and he tried to not speak too much with him, not sure what words exactly would make it out of his mouth.
He really should have stuck to that policy because when Tony came into the common kitchen to refill his mug Steve and Bucky sat at the counter, Steve was reading the paper and Bucky was slumped over his bowl of cereal. They both looked at Tony when he entered and Tony felt the need to say something so he opened his mouth and what made it out was "The arm is ready." He instantly cringed at that but he couldn't take the words back.
"Tony. We only asked you to look at the arm a few days ago. And you didn't actually take a look at it. Where did you get the info? And did you even sleep since then?" Steve asked and put his paper down to inspect Tony.
Tony knew how he looked, he was sweaty and dirty from his work on the suit and he was bouncing on his feet from over-caffeinating. "No" Tony admitted even though building the arm was not the reason for since it had been ready years ago.
But Tony wasn't about to tell them that he kept busy because he couldn't get the Soldier out of his mind and as strange as it was he also missed him. Bucky reminded him of the Soldier with every move that he made and even the violent reactions sometimes were just the same and it hurt Tony that he was among the things Bucky didn't remember. Now that Rhodey was gone it seemed to be safer to keep busy instead of thinking about all of that too much.
"Thought I get it done quickly since that thing is hurting Bucky" Tony said absentmindedly while he got himself a big cup of coffee and he didn't even realize his error.
"How do you know that?" Bucky asked and slowly came up from his slumped position over his bowl. He had been disinterested in Tony's announcement but now he looked wary though about what exactly Tony couldn't tell. "I didn't tell you that" Bucky lowly continued and even though he sounded unsure he made it pretty clear that no one was supposed to know that.
Shit. That was something the Soldier had told Tony. Bucky would never talk about something like that with him, he didn't trust him at all.
"The file" Tony said and waved his hand as if that explained the rest because he couldn't think of a better explanation right now.
"Tony, that plan about the arm is a joke" Steve interjected and Bucky looked back and forth between them.
"Steve, just because you can't read anything out of that doesn't mean that I can't too. And there were plans in the files Natasha dropped on the internet" Tony explained and hoped the last part was true. He hadn't read those files yet, still afraid of what else he would find, and he hoped that Steve also didn't read them. But neither Steve nor Bucky responded to that so Tony seemed to be lucky and so he shrugged as he turned to the fridge.
He was distantly aware that some food along with his coffee wouldn't be so bad. He wasn't even sure if he could bear all that caffeine on an empty stomach right now.
"If you want to wait a few more days or weeks; fine by me. It's ready though whenever you like" he added almost as an afterthought while he looked into the fridge.
He found a takeout container from that Chinese place he liked and when he turned around, food in his hand, Bucky eyed him narrowly and Tony inwardly cursed. He had to be more careful. He needed to stop mentioning things that he shouldn't know or Bucky would get even more suspicious than he probably already was.
But the problem was that Bucky was somehow always there, no matter when Tony decided to come out of the workshop and at first he had suspected that Bucky was doing it on purpose but Jarvis assured him that Bucky just kept odd hours like him. The fact that Bucky always left shortly after Tony came into whatever room he occupied only proofed that theory.
It didn't matter to Tony because when he came into a room where someone already was he felt the need to say something, and with Bucky he was afraid that he would slip and mention something he really shouldn't know, like he had with the arm. So far everything went well but Tony could never be sure.
It was on one of those occasions that Bucky spoke to him. Tony wasn't sure if it really was the first time he did so without being prompted by Steve but it damn well felt like that and he actually startled when Bucky cleared his throat. Tony cautiously turned around to him and Bucky was flexing his hand. Tony stared at it, noticing all the places that were damaged and he had to forcefully drag his eyes away when Bucky spoke.
"I don't want a new arm" he said and didn't meet Tony's eyes.
"That's fine" Tony rushed to speak, noting how obviously uncomfortable Bucky felt and he wasn't doing any better himself. It wasn't like he wanted Bucky to have the arm either. "But you should let me do something because your arm isn't doing so well, is it?"
Bucky shook his head at that and when he flexed his hand again there was a small stop in the motion. "You can repair it" Bucky eventually said and Tony wasn't sure if he should feel relieve that Bucky would finally let him look at the damage, or sad because it was Bucky who would let him look at it or if he should be overjoyed because Bucky was finally letting him look at the arm and Tony had waited for that for years. It was a bit much.
"That I can do" he hurriedly said when he noticed that he had been silent for too long. Bucky's shoulders seemed to slump in relieve and it was obvious that he had expected more of a fight from Tony. "You'll have to show me some motions, though, so that I can get a feeling for it."
"Why?" Bucky asked and cradled the metal hand in his lap. "You made a new one without even looking at this one."
Tony turned back around to finally get his coffee and he explained while he prepared the machine. "Building something new is easy. Repairing something so that it is exactly as before…that is the hard thing. I have to get more references to see how it should work. I can tell you exactly how your new arm would work but I don't know enough about this one to restore it."
Bucky seemed to think about that but in the end he nodded. "What do you need?"
"I need you to show me everything you want to be able to do with that arm."
Bucky wriggled his fingers again and then he said "Okay, but I want Sam to be there."
Tony was briefly surprised by that but then he remembered that Bucky and Sam seemed to spend quite some time together and Sam did seem like a laidback guy. "Fine by me. Just tell me when and where and we'll get it done."
Bucky nodded and then he left. Tony let out a sigh and wondered how that would screw him over. So far everything that had to do with Bucky had done that and he was pretty sure that this wouldn't be any different.
Tony anxiously awaited Bucky's call and he couldn't really concentrate on anything so he was really glad when it finally came near mid-day. Jarvis directed him to the shooting range and Sam and Bucky were already waiting there for him.
"So you finally won and now you get to work on the arm, huh?" Sam asked and smiled at him. Seemed like it wasn't a secret that Tony wanted to do that for a long time.
"I didn't pressure him into anything, if you think that."
"Oh no, I know. It's hard to get him to do something he doesn't want to" Sam replied with a side glance at Bucky who was standing in front of the guns. He seemed to weight his options until he finally picked a small handgun.
"Okay then, show me" Tony said and positioned himself so that he had a good view of the arm. Bucky quickly fired all the rounds and it must have been impressive because Tony heard Sam whistle when Bucky stopped. Tony himself had been too occupied with the movements of the arm to spare Bucky's aim a glance.
When Bucky began to disable the gun Tony wished he would have looked away sooner because it was just like the night Tony had tried to provoke the Soldier to shoot him. The motions were the same and when Tony looked up he expected to see the mask and the usual look the Soldier had when he looked at Tony but of course that didn't happen.
Bucky looked guarded, ready to bolt and even Sam looked a bit confused. Tony realized that he had his hands in fists at his side and he could only imagine what his face looked like, so he forced himself to smile at them and relax his hands.
"Thanks, that's all I need from here. Anything else you want to do?" Tony really wanted to leave right now but he had promised Bucky he would take care of the arm and he sure as hell would stand by his word.
They went to the gym next where Sam and Bucky went through a few motions and Tony was really glad that he had never seen the Soldier fight or this would have stirred some memories as well. It was bad enough that Bucky had lost nothing of the grace and deadliness the Soldier had moved with and the body language was so similar that it hurt.
Tony had to concentrate hard on the arm so that he wouldn't let any of his emotions show and when he did that he saw how damaged the arm really was.
After ten minutes Sam and Bucky stopped and Bucky turned towards Tony. "I wanna be able to fight" he said and Tony sighed.
"You want to come out with us on missions." Bucky only shrugged but it was clear that that was the goal. "Fine. Let's move to the workshop so I can take a look."
Bucky and Sam obediently followed him and when Tony settled Bucky down on a bench so that he could work on the arm, Sam kept close. Tony assumed that working on the arm was associated with bad memories, even the Soldier had expected pain every time Tony had worked on the arm and he had been memory wiped, but Bucky seemed calm enough with Sam nearby.
Tony slowly removed the outer plates and he made sure to explain exactly what he was doing so that Bucky could follow his every step. The interior of the arm was even worse than when Tony last looked at it and he wasn't so sure that repairing the damage would make a difference. He told Bucky as much but he insisted that they'd do this first.
Tony shrugged and got to work but when he closed the arm up again he really wasn't happy with his progress. It was patchwork at best and he was pretty sure that the arm would cram up if it took a direct hit. Tony voiced his worry but Bucky wouldn't even talk about getting the new arm and in the end Tony couldn't force him. It wasn't like he would ever do that but Bucky seemed to suspect that and there was genuine surprise on his face when Tony let him go without mentioning it again.
Tony told Steve that he thought the arm was a liability but Steve trusted Bucky to make the right choice and so there was nothing more Tony could do.
After that Tony spend a bit more time in the general vicinity of Bucky, just to keep an eye on the arm of course, and by doing that he learned quite a few things he wasn't aware of before.
The most important one was that Bucky never fell back on the Winter Solider.
He had some therapists who suggested he should try that to take control over that particular part of himself but Bucky refused. Before Bruce had left he had trained with Bucky after it became clear that during sparring sessions his body automatically returned to the Winter Soldier mode as they called it and Bucky could feel the Soldier at the edge of his very being.
During this short training with Bruce it became clear that it would be fairly easy to just let the Soldier break through but instead of learning how to cope with it Bucky decided to never let it come to that. When he was asked why he refused to try it, Bucky explained that whenever the Soldier took over like that, it had happened a few times during the past weeks, Bucky kind of blacked out. He knew he had lost time and control but he never had any recollection of what happened while the Soldier took over.
So he learned how to balance that particularly thin line to keep the Soldier at bay, continued his training even when Bruce was gone, and when he proudly told Steve he could feel when the Soldier was dangerously close to the surface and that he could push him back, he also demanded that they started sparring again. Tony had to turn away at that, the situation on the shooting range had proved that he couldn't be trusted with his facial reactions.
Steve of course was delighted because it was no secret that a big part of Bucky's reclusiveness stemmed from the fear that he would lose control and the Soldier would kill them all and Bucky would only wake up to their dead bodies.
While Steve was proud all Tony wanted to do was scream. It wasn't fair he knew that, he saw how it ate at Bucky, that constant fear, but Tony really just wanted the Soldier back. And to know that he was so close that he was right there under all the control Bucky constantly exercised was more than frustrating. Tony even thought about punching Bucky. Maybe that would catch him off guard and then the Soldier could push through.
But even though Tony did not act on that impulse it wasn't long until something set Bucky off and the Soldier broke out.
Steve and Bucky had been sparring while Tony lingered in the background, waiting for his round with Steve. Steve had insisted that Tony needed more training, more hand-to-hand combat experience, so that he could hold his own even without the suit and Tony had put up a fight but secretly he agreed. He didn't feel particularly save outside of his suit during a fight and it would be nice to know that he could at least inflict some damage. There was no actual need for him to be here yet, Steve had promised to call him, but Tony really needed to check on the arm. He still wasn't convinced that it wouldn't fall apart at the lightest touch but so far everything was good.
Besides, it was really something else, watching Steve and Bucky fight. They were fast and graceful but Tony could still tell that neither of them held anything back and while none of them were out to hurt the other they were still vicious in their attacks.
Right until Steve went for Bucky's head and Bucky was a fraction too slow to block the hit with his metal arm or pull away, so Steve hit him right in his temple. Bucky immediately went down on his knee, obviously dizzy and Steve was by his side a second later.
"Buck, are you okay? I didn't mean to, I'm sorry" he rambled but Bucky didn't answer.
He slowly shook his head and Tony could tell that there was a distinctive shift in his posture. He reminded him more of the Soldier all of a sudden and Tony heard himself inhale sharply. Bucky's head snapped around to him and, yes, that was the Soldier right there.
It should be laughable how easy it was for Tony to recognize him when even Steve hadn't picked up on the change yet but when the Soldier rose to his feet Tony nearly forgot how to breathe.
Of course Bucky moved like the Soldier, according to the sparse video material they had he still fought like the Soldier, you didn't forget 70 years of training that easily, but he was lacking the deadly calm and the effectiveness that seemed to be part of the Soldier and it was all right there now.
The Soldier didn't take his eyes off of Tony when he made his way across the gym and Tony felt glued to the spot just by that intent glare. Steve was still talking to Bucky but Tony was too concentrated on the Soldier to understand what he was saying.
The Soldier had nearly crossed half the gym when Steve obviously realized that something was wrong. Tony still wasn't moving, though he desperately wanted to reach out for the Soldier, and the Soldier was still moving towards him, seemingly urgent all of a sudden.
Steve must have realized the change now because in the next second he was standing in front of the Soldier, blocking Tony's view so he stepped a bit to the side to get a better look. Steve was talking to the Soldier urgently again, telling Bucky to come back, to get a grip and Tony really wished he wouldn't.
The Soldier had stopped though and now it was Tony who was walking towards him only for Steve to indicate to him to stand back. Still, Tony couldn't help but make two more steps into their direction and that caught the Soldier's attention again and he immediately started to move towards Tony.
Steve caught him by the arm and suddenly they were fighting again. The Soldier aimed to hurt Steve, Tony could see that, but Steve only tried to restrain him and after a few vicious blows he took from the Soldier he managed it. Steve wrestled the Soldier down, tightly securing him with his legs and talked to him again. This time he seemed to break through because the Soldier blinked a few times and then he was gone and Bucky was back.
Tony felt like someone had pulled the rug out from under his feet and had to turn away. It was so clearly Bucky again now and Tony really couldn't deal with this. He realized that there was a slight tremor in his hands and he quickly balled them up though he was pretty certain that Steve would attribute it to being afraid of the Soldier.
As if Steve had heard his thoughts he turned to him now, still sitting partly on Bucky, and asked "Are you alright?"
Tony blinked a few times before he plastered a grin on his face. "Sure, I'm fine, just peachy." He made a move towards the door and Steve frowned. "Just remembered I have somewhere to be. Other than here."
He didn't wait for Steve to call him out on the obvious lie and just fled the room. Tony didn't even try to walk slowly, to hide that he was fleeing, they would just assume it was because he was afraid, and he only stopped when he reached the kitchen.
He stood in the middle of the room uncertain of what to do. He wasn't sure if he wanted to smash something or drink himself stupid, or if he wanted to do one thing first and then start with the other but before he could decide Steve and Bucky came after him.
Steve seemed apologetic and he kept himself angled towards Bucky as if he would need to restrain him again while Bucky seemed too tightly wound but he didn't even hesitated before he said "I am so sorry."
Tony nearly choked on his hysterical laugh but he managed to say "Oh, yeah? What for? Nothing happened." He didn't mention how badly he wished that something would have happened, that he wished Bucky wouldn't have regained control so quickly but he kept silent.
"No, I'm sorry, I should have told you earlier" Bucky went on and Steve turned towards him in surprise.
"Should have told him what?" he inquired and Bucky seemed even more apologetic.
"You know when the Soldier is close to the surface, how I can feel that?" he asked them and gestured idly with his hand, though his eyes never left Tony. Steve nodded and Bucky didn't even wait for Tony's response before he went on. "I can also, sense him, in a way. I know that he pays attention to everything that is happening and I can feel him. What he wants."
"Okay?" Steve said, obviously unsure where this was going.
Tony really wished the world would end right now so he wouldn't have to listen to Bucky talking about the Soldier and by the way Bucky was talking it was painfully clear that Tony wouldn't like what Bucky had to say about the Soldier's wishes.
Bucky seemed to have problems finding the next words and so Steve gently prompted "What does he want, Bucky?"
Bucky finally tore his eyes away from Tony to look at Steve and he took a deep breath before he said "He wants to kill Tony."
Tony saw Bucky's mouth move but the sound needed a few seconds longer to reach him and then he felt numb all over. He didn't react even when Steve quickly glanced over and then Bucky went right on.
"It's all he can think about. Whenever he comes close to the surface the first thought I get from him is about you, always you, and I thought it was save, I really did, I had it under control, so I didn't tell anyone, but look what happened, he nearly reached you, he would have killed you right there, and I am so sorry I didn't say anything" Bucky rambled obviously distraught at the thought of more blood on his hands but Tony didn't process a thing he said.
He was still stuck on the killing part and he was glad that Steve was there to react properly because he sure as hell couldn't.
Steve grabbed Bucky's upper arm to calm him down and Bucky did seem grounded at the contact though he was still wringing his hands. "It's okay, Bucky. Nothing happened, right Tony? You're alright and the Soldier had no chance to do anything."
Tony realized that Steve expected him to say something and he distantly heard himself say "Sure. Nothing happened" but he wasn't really paying attention to that.
"We'll keep a closer eye on you, Buck. He won't get a chance to hurt anymore people" Steve reassured Bucky who took a deep breath.
"I don't know why it's so important to him. He knows that there is no more Hydra he has to report to. He understands that. It's like they conditioned him….me, to kill Tony. Like that is his sole purpose in this world."
Tony realized that he had lifted his hand, probably to put them over his hears, he really didn't want to hear this, but he stopped when Steve looked questioningly at him. Tony was very aware all of a sudden that he wasn't reacting properly, that they expected a certain reaction from him and he quickly gathered himself. There would be time to fall apart at all this later. Now he needed to make sure that they didn't get suspicious.
"I wasn't quite aware that Hydra would want me dead so badly, but it makes sense. They killed my parents, why stop there? Did I ever tell you that Hydra tried to get their greedy little hands on my suit? Killing me would only be logical. This doesn't come as a surprise" Tony said and he was proud at how stable his voice sounded.
"They went for your suit?" Steve asked and seemed surprised at that.
"What do you think? I paraded around claiming I privatized peace. They didn't want that. Senator Stern tried everything he could to force me to hand it over. It didn't quite work like he wanted, though, so it's alright."
"I didn't know that" Steve mumbled and Tony shrugged.
"Yeah, point is, this is not as much a surprise as you might think" Tony said now to Bucky. "I will just make sure not to be there when you two spar or when something upsets you and we'll be golden. You got a pretty close lid on it anyway so I don't worry."
Tony was aware that he talked too fast but since that was his default mode when he was stressed it shouldn't be too much of a surprise to them. He carefully didn't mention that he would avoid Bucky otherwise now too, he was pretty sure that Steve wouldn't approve of that, but Tony knew that he couldn't quite bear to be around Bucky anytime soon. But they didn't need to know that and Tony really needed to get away now.
"Okay, since we got that cleared up, I really have to be somewhere now, that wasn't as much of a lie as you might think, so excuse me."
He was still talking too fast he realized but he couldn't change that now and he pushed past Steve and Bucky, very careful not to touch the latter. He stepped into the elevator, sending one last smile their way before the door closed and he could let the mask crumble.
Jarvis send the elevator down to his workshop when Tony wasn't even able to push the button and when the elevator stopped he tumbled out only to immediately let himself fall down on the couch.
Dummy wheeled over, whirring questioningly at him, and Tony couldn't help but laugh. "It's all fucked up now, Dummy."
The bot didn't seem to understand him because he whirled away but when he came back with a bottle of whiskey Tony patted his head. "I knew you would understand, buddy" he said while he took the bottle and took a generous sip. It burned his throat but it also helped him to not think too much and Tony knew that he would be horribly drunk in no time at all.
He couldn't even bring himself to care though and so he took another sip. This was really not how he had imagined his afternoon to go.
The Soldier had been the one constant thing throughout Tony's life even if they met very irregularly at best, but the Soldier had stayed with Tony for his whole life and he was there during some very important parts of it. When Bucky had come back to the tower Tony had hoped that that would continue, that the Soldier would still be there for him but when Tony had realized that that wouldn't happen he had been hurt.
To know that the Soldier was still right there, that he was lurking right under the surface, had been another blow Tony could only barely take. But to hear now that the Soldier was conscious enough to process everything that had happened, and lucid enough to want to kill Tony, that only gave him the rest.
Tony tried to ignore what Bucky had said, he tried to rationalize it, but Bucky had had a few close calls with the Soldier over the course of the last weeks and whenever Tony happened to be in the room when that happened Bucky, or the Soldier, had made short little aborted movements into his direction, until Bucky had him back under control.
Since Tony had witnessed quite a few of those small incidents, and of course now after what happened in the gym, he was convinced that Bucky spoke the truth when he said that the Soldier wanted to kill him.
Tony didn't know if he wanted to laugh at that or cry because of it and in the end he just lifted the bottle again. That seemed easier.
The Soldier had been with him his whole life, always there, and while he wasn't big on emotions Tony was certain that he had cared. Well, seemed like Tony had been wrong again. It wouldn't be the first time that he read a person wrong.
It only made Tony wonder why the Soldier never did it. It wasn't like he didn't have the opportunity. If it was true what the Soldier told him, and he had no reason to lie, he didn't even know his own name back then why would he lie?, they had met when Tony had just been two years old.
There were more or less regular meetings from the age of seven. That was nearly four decades of opportunities to kill him. And yet the Soldier had never made a move, not like he just had in the gym.
And Tony had been vulnerable, not only the night when his parents died but nearly every time after that, dealing with the arc reactor and dying and he probably wouldn't even have put up a fight if the Soldier had tried to kill him.
Maybe the Soldier had come to him the night he killed his parents to finish the job but he had ended up saving his life, he had obviously cared that night, enough to call Rhodey, to make sure that someone would come over, so that was a thing to consider.
Tony groaned at that. It just didn't make sense to him. What Bucky had said went against everything Tony had experienced with the Soldier. But Bucky had sounded so sure, so certain, that the only goal the Soldier had now was to kill Tony. Maybe the Soldier wanted to cover up how badly he had fucked up when he still had been with Hydra though that didn't make any sense either.
Tony drowned his desperate laugh in more booze and whished Rhodey would come back like last time but he was on an assignment and Tony wasn't even allowed to call him, Rhodey had been very adamant on that.
But that only left Tony with his bottle and the very confused bots but he guessed it could be worse. Probably.
He drank until he convinced himself that the reason why he was drinking in the first place wasn't so bad at all and he held on to that thought right until Pepper walked in.
Tony kind of lost it when she came in and he barely managed to hold back the tears. He blamed the alcohol for them. Pepper didn't seem to get that it was only the alcohols' fault because she was at his side a second later.
"What happened?" she asked and warily eyed the more than half empty bottle.
"Nothing. Nothing happened. Like always" Tony said and his voice was still steady. He needed a few seconds to realize that Pepper shouldn't be here, Pepper was busy running his company, she didn't have time to be here. "Whatcha doing here, Pep?" he asked and she sighed.
"Jarvis called me."
"Why would he do that? He knows you're busy."
"Sir, Colonel Rhodes and I came to the understanding that you would need someone if the situation changed. Since Colonel Rhodes is not available I took the liberty to call Miss Potts."
"What situation, Tony?" Pepper asked and took the bottle from him.
Tony groaned. He knew he wouldn't get her to drink with him. "No situation, there is none, Jarvis has a glitch, it's nothing." When he saw the look on her face he remembered that telling her 'it's nothing' and telling her that Jarvis wasn't working right were probably the fastest ways to get her suspicious.
"Jarvis does not have a glitch, Tony, and you know that. What is going on here?"
"The situation changed" Tony admitted but before Pepper could ask what exactly that situation was he went right on. "Rhodey thinks I can't handle it myself but he's wrong. I can. I just need this one day to drown myself, okay?"
Pepper put the bottle away and carded her fingers through his hair. Tony leaned into the touch, it was comforting and exactly what he needed right now. "No, not okay, Tony. Rhodey might be unreasonably worried but Jarvis is worried too. And if both of them feel the need to be worried about you I trust their judgment. So you will tell me what's going on."
"I will not. It doesn't matter, Pepper. It won't change anything. It won't make a damn difference if I tell you or not so, please, can you just leave?" Tony's emotions were all over the place as it was, retelling the whole story surely wouldn't improve anything. Not to mention that there really was nothing Pepper could do and he didn't need her to look at him with pity.
"Sir, I am afraid the elevator is out of order."
"You sneaky little AI" Tony mumbled while Pepper sat down next to him.
"So, Jarvis obviously really doesn't want me to go. I advise you talk to me right now, that would make things so much easier."
Tony let his head fall against the arm off the couch. "Pepper, I'm sure you're busy. There is no need to stay here. I am perfectly able to take care of this myself. Besides, there isn't even anything to take care of, okay. It's just me being stupid and even you can't cure that."
"Tony, the last time you behaved this strangely was before the Mandarin attacks."
"Yeah, well, that was two years ago. I think I'm entitled to another one of my fits."
"Tony" Pepper sighed and put her hand on his arm. "This is not a fit. Don't you think I know when you're hurting? I just don't always know why and I think I'm missing something here."
"You're not the only one who is missing something" he mumbled under his breath but he could see that Pepper had heard him.
"Who else is missing something?" she asked and Tony closed his eyes. Though that didn't help with anything so he snapped them back open.
"No one, Pepper, really. Look, I get that you're worried, but this is nothing new. Just another thing I can't have. I got it thrown in my face today, so I need some time, but that's it, really."
He had thought he was getting sober already but when he heard himself utter those words he knew that he was still drunk. Those were exactly the wrong things to say to Pepper and he knew that. When he was sober he knew that. But apparently he didn't right now and he cursed the alcohol and his own weakness. He really needed to stop drinking. This only brought him more problems than it solved.
Pepper looked surprised now her hand halfway to her mouth and her eyes were big. "Tony, the last time you said something like that you were in love with me and you thought I wouldn't return it."
Tony flinched at that because that was not a good comparison. That was not at all what was happening here. He wanted to tell Pepper that but he couldn't bring the words out and Pepper's eyes softened.
"Oh Tony" she whispered and he really couldn't stand it right now. When she extended her hand to him he got up from the couch, away from her and that look in her eyes, and he kept his back to her. This was exactly why he hadn't called her. She always, always got him to talk and sometimes that was the last thing he wanted to do. Like right now.
"Who is it?" she whispered and he could tell that she got up, was closer to him now than he really liked and he went to his workbench, to put more space between them but also because he felt like he needed something to hold on to. He braced his hands on the workbench and let his head hang down, too tired to put any energy into holding it up.
"Pepper, can we not do this? It's not like you think. This is not…I'm not…you don't understand."
"Then explain it to me." Her voice was still barely over a whisper but she seemed to keep her distance now and he was grateful for it. Tony didn't know if he could handle any contact right now.
He huffed at himself because what the actual fuck, he had no idea what was happening right now, but when he swallowed he knew that he wanted to tell Pepper everything. She deserved to know, he knew that, he just wasn't sure what he would say, if he could even say it, but luckily Jarvis knew him well enough to suddenly chime in.
"Sir, if you allow, there is still the file you compiled for Colonel Rhodes. I kept it updated, just in case."
"What about the…most recent situation?" Tony asked and braced himself some more on the workbench.
"I uploaded it as well."
So everything was right there, caught on tape or in files, ready to be reviewed like it was just another one of his projects. He gave a curt nod to Jarvis who immediately addressed Pepper.
Tony tried to blend the explanations out, he didn't need to hear this again, first meeting at two, no solid data for that, it was all right there in his head after all and he mentally went through some unfinished codes to keep his mind occupied. He startled out of it when Pepper's hand was suddenly on his shoulder again.
"Why didn't you tell them?" she softly asked and Tony snorted. He had asked himself that question over and over again but there was nothing that could be done now.
"I thought he would remember" he eventually said lowly and Pepper kept her hand on his shoulder. "When he didn't…" he trailed off but Pepper knew him better than anyone else.
"You panicked" she finished the sentence for him and Tony nodded. "Why don't you tell them now?" she asked and Tony turned around to her.
"I missed my chance, Pepper. If I tell them now, they'll think I'm lying."
She frowned. "Why would you lie about something like that? And besides, you have all the evidence right there."
"It doesn't matter anymore. It's too late now to clear it up. What do you want me to tell them? 'Oh yeah, by the way, I knew the Soldier before but I didn't recognize Bucky Barnes'? They are never going to believe me and Steve will kill me. After Bucky is done with me. I can't tell them now."
"Tony, did it ever occur to you that maybe telling Bucky would trigger his memories?" she questioned him and Tony had to put some distance between them. He didn't need that kind of hope right now.
"That's not helping. Didn't you pay attention? The Soldier wants to kill me."
Pepper sounded incredulous when she answered. "Tony, didn't you pay attention? Did you actually look any of the videos? I don't believe he wants to kill you."
Now Tony whirled back around to her. "Oh, yeah. And what else does he want to do, huh? I mean maybe that was his last mission: kill Steve Rogers and Tony Stark."
"Do you even listen to yourself? For a genius you are pretty dumb right now." Tony didn't reply to that and just looked at Pepper, daring her to say anything else. "Think, Tony. If that was his last mission, he would have attacked Steve. He was right there, they were fighting and while the Soldier was still trying to hurt Steve he only wanted to get to you. It would have been so easy for him to kill Steve right then and there. And yet he didn't."
"Maybe he wants to kill me to hide how he fucked up when he was still with Hydra" Tony exclaimed and threw his hands in the air. He really didn't need that right now. There had been a reason why he came down here to drink and to get hope from Pepper was certainly not it.
"Don't" he pleaded with her when she opened her mouth again and thankfully she listened to him. "I just want…can we not talk about it anymore?" he asked her and knew he sounded defeated.
"I just think" she began but something on his face must have told her to stop because after one look at him she instead said "Fine. Let's not talk about it anymore."
Tony could see that she was still really worried but he just couldn't handle this right now. "I will not give you back your bottle, though" she said as she walked over to it and scooped it up.
"Didn't think you would" Tony sighed and tried to smile at her while he settled down at his workbench.
"And you will not spend the majority of any day down here just because you want to avoid Bucky." Tony winced at that because that had actually been his plan. "This is your home and your mess and you will not avoid any of them, do you understand me?" Pepper was stern and Tony knew that he couldn't say no to her. That hadn't changed even after they broke up.
"Okay, okay, fine. It's not like I didn't managed before."
"But now it's different, isn't it?" Pepper softly asked him and Tony shrugged. "Not really, I guess. He still doesn't remember me. That didn't change."
Pepper threw him a glance at that. "Fine. Be stubborn about that. That is actually good." This time he managed to give her a real smile and she straightened up. "I will check in regularly, not only with you but also with Jarvis since he is more reliable than you."
"I object to that" Tony said but he did so with a smile. Pepper smiled back at him when she took the bottle.
"Will that be all, Mr. Stark?" she asked and that was so familiar and comfortable that he instantly felt better.
"That would be all, Miss Potts" he gave the usual answer and watched Pepper walk out of the workshop.
Only when she was out of sight did he slump down. He was still a bit drunk and this whole thing hadn't helped at all except that now he had a nagging voice in his head that insisted that maybe Bucky was wrong and Tony really couldn't do with that spark of hope right now.
He went go get another bottle of whiskey from his floor but when he was there he thought that maybe sleep would be better for now. This day had been long enough.
I never thought this story would be so well received and I thank all of you who followed this, faved this or left a review. It means a lot to me.