You Can Live: Chapter 34

I want to wish you all a late Merry Christmas and an early Happy New Year! May 2015 bring many new chapters! :)

Please enjoy this update. :)

Disclaimer: you know I don't own HP. A very rich, brilliant lady does.

Warnings: This chapter includes what I would label graphic cutting. If this is a trigger for you, then please take caution.

Old Habits...

That night brought fresh nightmares, but it was of memories rather than new villains and dark shapes that crawled under his skin. Harry woke up in the middle of the night, shirt soaked in sweat and heart pounding. He pulled his knees closer and hid his face in his hands. Faces of dead friends danced behind his closed eyelids, and when he opened them he was horrified to find they remained.

Nightmares of the war had decreased some after Harry and Severus found that they could be more than civil to each other. However, now they seemed to be back in full swing to torture him tonight. Harry could only guess it was due to Severus's upcoming trial and having to deal with corrupt Ministry officials once more. So now, he was forced to relive some of the most painful memories he had and hear the voices of the dearly departed condemn him. Tears fell freely down Harry's cheek as he cried silently into his knees. At times he wondered if the guilt and grief would ever go away or if he would end up mourning his entire life for those who had lost their lives…because of him. Severus may have taken his physical scars, but there was only so much that could be done for the emotional ones.

Harry was shaken from his thoughts by a thump coming from his nightstand. Another thump came from the drawer and the whole piece of furniture shook, almost knocking his glasses and wand off. Harry didn't move for a moment, just staring at the blurry shape in the dark and waited for something else to happen. When nothing did, he cautiously reached out and grabbed the aforementioned items.

Now able to see, Harry cast a Lumos charm and turned it on the nightstand. Nothing had made a sound in the last minute, and Harry was starting to wonder if he had imagined it. Severus hadn't come to complain about a noise and Albus was still asleep. Biting the inside of his cheek, Harry decided to check the drawer just in case. He had only a few miscellaneous items in the drawer; nothing that would do something like he had witnessed.

And then the Lumos charm reflected off of the edge of the straight razor he had thrown in there. Harry froze, his eyes locked on the object. It overshadowed everything else in Harry's field of vision. All he could do was stare at it, almost hoping it would just disappear as simply as it had first appeared.

As he stood there, stuck in his thoughts, the voices from his dream returned.

"Why did you kill us, Harry?" "We were your friends!" "You did this! You did this to us! Why?!" "You can't even imagine the sacrifices we made for you. And look what that's got us." As if under a spell, Harry's hand reached out and took hold of the handle of the razor. Spurned on by the bitter words, he set down his wand and placed the edge of the blade on his skin. While the guilt was overwhelming, shame played a large part as Harry dragged the knife across his upper arm. The cuts would be easier to hide there than on the wrists.

The voices faded with each cut, until it was finally quiet and Harry had five neat lines on his arm. He felt…numb, as he carefully put the razor back in the drawer, closed it, and then left for the bathroom. Harry crept down the hall and cringed when he saw his reflection. He was pale, which only accentuated the dark rings under his eyes, and a crimson sleeve decorated his arm.

Harry could feel his innate magic already starting to heal the wounds a bit, but he would still have to clean up the blood. He searched around and found a dark blue towel. Harry pressed hard on the cuts to slow the bleeding, until it had finally stopped. He turned on the sink and mechanically went through the process of rinsing as much blood from the towel as he could and gently wiping his arm clean. The stinging of the cuts only pushed more guilt into his chest for having betrayed Severus, but also shame as Harry felt that he couldn't possibly do enough to pay for the deaths of those he cared about.

For all that his guardian had done for him, Harry had undone it all, remarking his body and taking back scars. This would become another thing to the quickly growing list of things that he could not tell Severus. If the man knew…only the day after tomorrow Snape would be going to court to fight for him. Would he even want to keep him, if he knew that Harry had fallen back onto cutting without a moment's hesitation?

If his guardian asked, Harry wouldn't be able to put into words everything that compelled him to pick up that blade. Looking back on it, it had seemed right at the time, like the only and best option available. However, as Harry washed the towel and his arm of blood as best he could and watched the pinked water flow down the drain, it did not seem as right.

He hung up the towel to dry and pulled out some medical supplies from the cabinet under the sink. They still had some gauze left from when Harry had hurt his neck, and he knew from experience how to dress these kinds of wounds. So, he sat on the closed toilet lid, wrapped his arm, and finally, crept back to his room.

When he opened the door, Albus stirred for a moment, but was back to sleep soon enough. Harry slipped back under the covers and put his back to both his owl and the nightstand. It hurt, as that was the side he had cut, but he could not bear to look at either of the aforementioned subjects.

Needless to say, he did not get much more sleep that night.

The following morning was a bit…out of the ordinary, Severus would say. He was nursing a cup of coffee, a drink he normally did not indulge in unless he had a particularly rough night, and a slight pounding ached behind his eyes.

In juxtapose, his ward was unusually chipper that morning. He practically hopped down the stairs and skipped into the living room. Severus narrowed his eyes over his mug towards Harry.

"I take from your…sunny demeanor that you had a good night's rest?" Harry's smile was broad and bright.

"Yes, Sir. No nightmares even." Severus thought that strange given the day that they had had. He certainly had nightmares, many included him knowing Harry was in pain, but being unable to help him. A few he could also confirm contained the 'John' character from yesterday as well. It was not a pleasant evening for him.

He watched as Harry continued to smile, and fiddle with his shirt sleeve. He was wearing a long sleeved shirt rolled up to his elbows. It seemed a bit baggier than Severus thought it should be, however, he had picked out the items with the thought that as his ward began to have a much more regular eating schedule he would come to fit in them better.

It was then that a thought struck him.

"Harry, you would not be putting on a facade due to the trial being tomorrow would you?" At the word facade, Harry tensed and his smile became broader, giving Severus all the answer he needed. When his ward opened his mouth to answer, Snape held up a hand.

"No. If you say that you aren't we will have words, Mr. Potter. Lying for 'my sake' is still lying to me. Now, let's try again. How did you sleep last night, Harry?" Harry loosened up a bit and he smirked.

"Not so great, Sir. Sorry." Severus waved off the apology.

"It is to be expected. The poor sleeping, not the lying, though I can't say I'm surprised about the latter." Severus then motioned for Harry to follow him to breakfast. Snippy popped in to greet them, and took it upon herself to fill their plates for them that morning.

Harry caught her staring at his arm more than once, and had to tamp down on his fidgeting. Surely she couldn't know…

His worries seemed for naught, when the house elf left the room without a word to him beyond 'May Masters enjoy their breakfasts.' Harry breathed out a sigh of relief, and ward and guardian ate their meals in comfortable silence. They each had many things to contemplate.

Severus would not be allowed to prepare a defense, as it was believed that the Veritaserum would pull the truth from him either way. This meant he would be going into the trial blind, unsure what exactly his accusers would throw at him, even if he was able to piece together a good picture of how the next day would go. Because of that, all Severus could really do was sit around and wait. He was tense, which was not unexpected, but he didn't want to worry Harry. The boy had a bad habit of believing that every time Snape was angry or frustrated it was his fault. It was understandable that that had been what Harry had come to expect given both their history as teacher and student, and Harry's history with his family, however, the more angst Severus could prevent his ward the better.

Harry meanwhile was thinking about what he had done last night. He was terrified, if he were being honest with himself. Now that he had cut himself, he realized it would be even harder to stop this time. It just…it seemed like the best idea at the time. Even at the breakfast table, as he thought about it, the idea of cutting again calmed him. Severus obviously didn't know, otherwise he would have certainly said something. Besides, Harry would stop once the trial was over. The urge for cutting was no doubt brought back by his nightmares and the trial tomorrow and Menos. It would go away once he got it all settled. He beat it once, he could do it again.

The young wizard looked up from his plate to his guardian. Snape looked very tired and worn, though Harry could tell he was trying to hide it. Harry's guardian was concerned about the trial and about Harry, otherwise he would not have decided Harry needed a baby sitter. Well, that was just another reason not to tell his guardian. Severus already had enough to worry over; there was no need to give him something else.

The cuts on Harry's arm began to tingle, inciting him more. He could deal with all of this on his own, just fine. He didn't need to tell Severus and worry the man any more than he already had. So, Harry decided to take it upon himself to get Severus through the day, hopefully help him relax. He cleared his throat to get Snape's attention and smiled.

"Sir, I was thinking maybe we could work on some potions today, or we could go to the shop? I'm sure there's more stuff you could have me organize." Severus cocked his head as if he were studying Harry or examining him for any signs of deceit. Harry tried to make his face appear as open and calm as possible, perhaps letting a little of his anxiety slip through so as to not make Severus think he was 'putting on a facade' for his sake. Whatever his face looked like, though, it seemed to work as Severus nodded.

"Yes, I believe it would be good for us to work in the lab. We won't go to the shop today, though. Perhaps next week, once this business has all passed." The boy nodded eagerly, and once they were both finished with their meals, they went down to the basement.

The rest of the day was actually…quite nice. Severus and Harry worked side by side for hours, taking a small break for lunch when Snippy insisted (and then Severus realized he should not be setting the example to his ward that your work comes before eating properly). They were able to get through a long list of some of the more common potions that Hogwarts and St. Mungo's used and even a few of the stranger variety, specially ordered by Snape's clientele.

By the time they finally left the basement and sat down for dinner, Harry had nearly completely forgotten what he was hiding under his sleeve. However, he soon recalled when he accidentally bumped into the corner of a wall on the way to the sitting room. Snippy had been giving him looks all day and before dinner, and it set him on edge. He was leaving the room behind Severus and looked back over his shoulder at the elf and wasn't looking where he was going.

"Ahh-mmff." Harry bit his cheek to keep his outburst in as much as he could, but he had hit his bandaged arm, and he was almost sure that the cuts would start bleeding again. His guardian had stopped and looked at him with concern.

"Are you alright, Harry? Surely you did not hit your arm that hard…" Severus sounded skeptical, but knew that with Harry's luck, there was a good chance that the boy had broken his arm. However, Harry waved him off and slid on a small grimace-to-smile.

"I'm fine. Just hit me the wrong way, I guess." He rubbed his hand up and down his arm dramatically to illustrate, but was careful not to give a hint of bandages. His guardian regarded him once more, and then nodded.

"Very well. Perhaps you should look where you are going when you walk, hmm?" Harry smiled and rubbed the back of his head.

"Yeah, Sir. Probably a good idea." So they continued throughout their evening until eventually turning in for the night. Severus hugged Harry as they wished each other goodnight, to give some sort of comfort to both of them. While Harry did really appreciate it, and gave back in the embrace as good as he got, his skin was humming with the need to escape to his room.

While the little voice in his head could deny it all it wanted, Harry needed the blade against his skin. He ignored the shame and guilt that crept under the surface, and as soon as he closed his door his eyes went straight to his nightstand drawer.

He needed it.

I do realize that the reasons in this chapter that Harry gives for cutting are different than what he explained to Severus in 'You Can Cry'. I feel that cutting is in a way an addiction for Harry. Yes he kicked it, but there is always that temptation there. In some cases, addicts will use any excuse they can to 'get a fix'. So, at this point in time for Harry his excuse for cutting is to make the ghosts of his past go away, and it is a type of penance. Throughout the chapter you see that the urge to cut evolves into a beast that just calls all the time, nightmares or no.

And just so you know, there is definitely an outside force pushing Harry towards his cutting, much like the first time (see earlier chapters where he explains how he started cutting). Hope this clears any confusion.

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