You Can Live: Chapter 39
Sooo...a week long break is not conducive to writing, as I have been completely brain dead for a week. This means that once my creativity starts to flow again, I'll be back to writing papers and lab reports -_- I apologize, but that's the way it is. I'm just begging for summer to come!
I also got a review commenting on how this was dragging on a bit. The reviewer thinks that the story is getting a little repetitive with Harry just constantly not telling Snape anything. I am inclined to agree, and am hoping that it will pick up for you guys. We are finally to Harry's birthday party!
I also realized that I have never put this up: I do not have a beta. Any and all mistakes are my own!
Disclaimer: you know I don't own HP. A very rich, brilliant lady does.
Warnings: Cutting in this chapter (slightly graphic). In case this triggers, please don't read.
Stained
Severus was not blind. He had once been a spy, which meant his mission in life was noticing everything. However…it was also true that he tended to blind himself to certain things he did not want to see. That was the only reason he had that he never noticed what Harry had been enduring at the Dursley's. All he saw was a miniature James Potter, and that became all Harry was to him.
Then, his perception of the boy changed, and he saw the glamours Harry wore at school. He thought he had been extremely observant when it came to his young ward, since they had started living together. And yet…Severus was starting to think that Harry was a better actor than he gave the boy credit for.
Oh, it was obvious Harry was keeping something from him, but Severus could not figure out what it was. He felt like it was right on the tip of his tongue, but the answer wouldn't come. Perhaps, it was just that, once again, he did not want to see what was staring him right in the face.
He finally got his answer at Harry's birthday party.
Harry could not sleep. He was laying in bed, staring at the ceiling. All week, it had just been getting worse as his birthday got closer. Whenever he closed his eyes, the faces of those long gone floated across his mind. If he actually did slip into unconsciousness, he was quickly chased out of it by Strant's screams and blood dripping from his hands. He was turning to his knife more and more frequently, which should be scaring him, but it really wasn't…which probably scared him more.
Harry could only assume his magic was healing the cuts faster than normal now, because, as was the pattern all week, only two days after a new cut was added, it would be a white line on his skin. He made nightly visits to the bathroom once he was certain that Snape had fallen asleep. A quick silencing charm and he could slide through the hallways like a ghost.
Every time he did it, he kept looking over his shoulder, waiting for his guardian to burst in on him or maybe even Albus or Snippy. His hands would tremble when he lifted the razor, but once he broke his skin, it was like everything slowed down, and he could breath again.
This night though, it wasn't working. Yes, lately it had been taking more cuts to calm him, but he had cut twice as much tonight and there he was, wide awake at…two forty-eight in the morning.
He was anxious and couldn't stop thinking about his birthday party that he would be attending in about ten hours. All of the Weasleys would be there (including almost-Weasley Hermione), along with Draco, Luna, Neville and Severus. True, compared to what he remembered hearing about others' birthday parties and his experiences with Dudley's special day, that really wasn't a lot of people. And it was all people that he cared for and that cared for him. Perhaps that was what made it worse. That, and knowing that the next day he would see Menos again, and the dark wizard would give him back whatever memories he was missing.
Just thinking about it made his skin crawl.
It wasn't until about four in the morning that he, in essence, passed out. He was woken by Albus. The bird had flown over to his bed, landed on his pillow and yanked Harry's hair with his beak. Harry scowled, exhausted and now irritated.
"Albus! What are you doing?" The bird hooted at him, and then Harry saw the bright sun out his window. "Shoot!" Harry jumped up and out of bed, quickly getting dressed in a pair of nice jeans, a t-shirt and pale blue button up over top of it, with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. As he put the button up on, however, he found that his hands were shaking. As soon as he became aware of that, his skin buzzed irritably and his fingers itched.
Harry gritted his teeth against it. He had never done it during the day; there was too much of a chance that someone would catch him. But…if he didn't do something he felt like he was going to go stark raving mad. He ran his hands through his hair, and it clicked.
Albus was watching him from the bed, and cocked his head at his wizard. Harry felt compelled to answer the bird, much like he used to Hedwig.
"Forgot to shower. I'll go down to breakfast then." The owl hooted at him and flew out of the room, once Harry opened the door. Once his familiar was downstairs, Harry grabbed his blade from his nightstand and rushed to the bathroom. Then, yes, he did get in the shower.
He left his clothes folded up on the toilet lid and got under the warm spray. Harry quickly washed his hair and ran a bar of soap over his body. Only once it was all rinsed off (he did not want to get soap in his cuts), did he pick up the razor. He set it against his skin, closed his eyes, took a deep breath and dragged it until blood bloomed.
Under the water, the blood was swiftly washed away, tinting pink around his feet. Harry added three new cuts, the last one stinging a bit more than the others. He cut off the water, and leaned out of the curtain to snag some bandages from the nearby cabinet.
Quickly applying pressure, Harry wrapped up his arm tightly, so the bandages wouldn't be obvious under his shirt. Harry toweled off, and got dressed again, then quietly returned his razor to his nightstand before continuing downstairs. His guardian was seated in an armchair in the living room, the Daily Prophet in his hands. Severus set down the newspaper on the side table beside him and stood.
"I was going to come get you, when I noticed that you weren't up yet. Did you sleep well?" Harry shrugged.
"Not really. Just…bad night." Severus pursed his lips, but did not press. He did not want to get into a conflict before going to celebrate the boy's birthday with a bunch of rambunctious Weasleys milling about. So, he gave a tight nod, and stood to give Harry's shoulder a squeeze.
His ward was tense under his hand, and he remembered how adamant Harry had been about discussing his birthdays from before. Well, perhaps they could replace those memories with better ones at the Weasley's.
"Come. Snippy has a light breakfast prepared for us. I'm sure Mrs. Weasley will have a feast ready when we arrive." Harry's lip pulled up at the corner in a half-smile, but he didn't say anything. Severus's hand was only inches away from Harry's new cuts, and he was trying desperately not to squirm. His stomach turned at the thought of food, but his guardian would only get more suspicious if Harry just pushed his food around his plate.
After a grueling twenty-five minutes, Severus released Harry from the table. The boy jumped up and practically ran to the living room. Snape's gut was tightening in dread; something was very wrong.
He followed his ward at a more sedate pace, and found the boy curled up in his armchair with a book out. Harry was obviously only pretending to read, and that concerned Severus even more. The older wizard settled on the couch, so he could be facing Harry, and leaned against the arm.
"Harry," the boy visibly tensed. "If you truly do not want to go today-"
"No!" Harry's head whipped up so fast, Severus was surprised the boy's glasses didn't fall off. "I…I want to go…I'm just- tired. Bad dreams." Once again, Harry was trying not to squirm as his guardian sat and observed him. Snape's eyes were calculating and every inch the spy in him coming out and trying to decipher Harry's behavior. For once, Harry was glad so much happened to him. It meant he had plenty of excuses for his behavior to distract from the actual reasons he was jumpy and tense.
Finally, Severus sat back and sighed.
"Very well, Harry. Just…you can talk to me. I know you are not lying to me, but you are keeping something from me that is bothering you, and that bothers me." Harry bit the inside of his cheek and wouldn't look his guardian in the eye. "I am not mad, Harry. I just want you to trust me." Harry bit down harder to prevent himself from flinching. That had hurt more than anything Severus had ever said to him before. He could handle whatever vitriol the Potion's Master threw at him in class for all of those years, because that was what he was used to at the Dursley's. But now Severus cared for him, and he cared for Severus. Harry couldn't stand hurting the people he cared about…..but he couldn't tell him!
At least…not yet. Not until Harry had figured some things out.
It appeared that Snape was done with the conversation, as he picked up a book and cracked it open across his lap. They stayed there in the quiet, until the clock struck and it was time for them to go.
Severus stood, as did Harry, and the boy tried to offer the man a smile in hopes of breaking the awkward tension between them. Harry was worried when Severus didn't smile back, but then the man squeezed his shoulder, and he knew all was well…for now.
The Weasley house was chaotic when they stepped through the floo. Mrs. Weasley was chasing after George with a wooden spoon, as the young man came dashing out of the kitchen with icing on his fingers. Ginny was talking animatedly with Hermione, no doubt about girly wedding things that Harry wouldn't be able to wrap his head around. In fact, it looked like a lot of magazines and color schemes were shoved into a corner.
The front door to the Burrow opened and Mr. Weasley walked in, followed closely by his other sons and Neville and Luna. He was the first to spot their visitors.
"Harry, my boy! Happy birthday!" From there, Harry was spun from person to person being wished a happy birthday and hugged. He gave the brightest smile he could, and really, part of it was true. Harry was really happy to see all of them, he just couldn't get Menos out of his head. In all of the initial commotion, Draco had shown up and been welcomed.
Draco and Ron nodded at each other once everything had settled a bit.
"Ferret."
"Weasel." If Harry had been told a year ago that his best friend and worst enemy would be civil and friendly with each other one day, he would have had that person checked out by Madam Pomfrey. But here they were, here they all were.
Severus retreated to the kitchen to at least be in closer proximity to the adults, while the rest of them all squeezed onto the furniture and floor to chat. It turned into an hour long laughing fest, with no one letting a drop of serious conversation infiltrate.
They were eventually called outside by Mrs. Weasley who had finished cooking and setting up. Harry was amazed at what he saw.
There was a giant tent in the yard, much like from Fleur and Bill's wedding, with one long table underneath, which was covered in food. He was ushered forward to sit at the end of the table, with Ron and Hermione on either side of him. A ball of emotion rolled up his throat, and he had to cough a few times, before he could speak. He held up his glass of chilled pumpkin juice and everyone else did too.
"I…really don't know what to say, besides thank you. This is already the best birthday I have ever had, and the best part is that I get to spend it with all of you. We've all been through so much together, and I am proud to call each and every one of you my family."
"Awww, Harry! I knew you came around here for more than my good looks!" Harry blushed and smiled, as everyone laughed at George. Harry lifted his glass higher, and everyone cheered.
Being with everyone was enough of a distraction that Harry was able to get down a convincing amount of food. Mrs. Weasley had made a feast, that was swiftly followed by a very large, red and gold cake. The Slytherins at the table hissed good-naturedly, and Harry smiled. To be honest his cheeks were starting to hurt with how much smiling he was doing. Everyone cheered again when he blew out his candles and the smoke formed 'Happy Birthday Harry' above the cake.
It was half way through picking apart his slice of cake, that Harry noticed he was being watched, by more than one person.
Severus he had known about from the beginning. His guardian never let Harry out of his sight; even when they were in separate rooms, Harry could feel his eyes on him. But now, Harry spotted Luna watching him. She had that wistful smile on her face as usual, but her light eyes looked sad as they met Harry's. Luna knew. Of course she knew.
Suddenly, Harry couldn't even pretend to eat anymore.
Luckily (or unfortunately) for him, the table was soon cleared for presents. Harry managed to stay cheerful and enthusiastic for everyone, but his heart was pounding the entire time. It wasn't until everything was cleared away that Harry was able to slip off. He practically ran to the Burrow, with the excuse of using the loo before a friendly Quidditch match.
Harry's hands were shaking and he just needed a moment. His head was down, and he wasn't paying attention. He bumped into the doorframe going in and had to bite down on a groan. His hand flew to cover his hidden bandages and pressed in hopes of staving off the pain.
His heart nearly stopped when he felt his sleeve becoming damp.
"No!" he hissed. He must have cut too deep in his haste in the shower, because one of his wounds was seeping through his bandage.
"Harry?" The young wizard whipped around, eyes wide and terrified, to find his guardian looking on, concerned. "What happened to your arm?" Harry couldn't find words, and when Snape stepped towards him, Harry retreated back a few steps. Severus froze and narrowed his eyes on Harry's arm.
"Harry." Harry didn't know what to do. He felt so…so…guilty, like he had been caught stealing from the Weasleys or something. Harry had backed himself into a wall, and Severus used that to his advantage. The Potion's Master approached his ward as though the boy were a frightened deer, and slowly laid a hand on the boy's wrist. Harry's eyes were clenched shut, but he didn't fight when Severus gently pulled his hand out of the way.
As soon as Snape saw the blood stains, it all clicked. Without thinking it through, he practically ripped Harry's button up shirt off of the boy's shoulder to reveal the freshly applied bandages…and recent scars. All breath left him, and the only word he could get out was,
"Harry."
Finally! Severus finds out (some). I also wish to apologize. When I wrote this chapter and the next one or two, I was pretty tired and things might not have actually come out as coherently as I thought at the time. Please let me know if you have trouble understanding anything.
Until next time!
Please Review :)