You Can Live: Chapter 40

Felt like it was time to update. :/ Yeah. So...here you go. :)

I also realized that I have never put this up: I do not have a beta. Any and all mistakes are my own!

Disclaimer: you know I don't own HP. A very rich, brilliant lady does.

Warnings: Basically just a ton of angst and discussion of cutting. In case this triggers, please don't read.

Give Me a Direction

Harry opened his eyes to hesitantly look up at his guardian and shrunk back at the anger that blazed in Severus's dark eyes. Severus yanked his shirt sleeve back up, and spelled the blood clean.

"Wait here. Do not move." Snape turned on his heel and marched right back out the door. Harry was frozen where he was, unsure what was going to happen, but knowing it was going to be terrible. Severus knew! Severus was mad at him. Severus had just gone through a trial at the Ministry of Magic to keep him, and Harry had gone and threw all of it in his face. The man was certainly going to get rid of him now.

All of these thoughts were screaming in his head, and only grew stronger when the Potion's Master returned. The man stalked over to him, grabbed his shoulder and directed him towards the floo.

"I have said your goodbyes for you. Your gifts will be sent to the house. We are going home, now." Harry didn't speak, didn't nod; he just allowed himself to be led and went through the floo just barely saying the words needed to guide the magic.

Severus practically stepped on him, when the man came out. But, without breaking stride, his guardian moved him up the stairs and into his own personal bathroom connected to his bedroom. Snape had Harry sit down on the toilet after he closed the lid, and then just left the room.

The young wizard was in a daze, bouncing back and forth between fear and frustration and guilt and resignation. He was cataloguing the places in his head that he could go to when Snape kicked him out. He wouldn't feel right imposing on the Weasleys. There was always Grimmauld Place, with Kreacher. Harry would have to get a job, since he wouldn't be Severus's apprentice anymore. If he was dismissed from an apprenticeship, did that mean that no one else would take him? If one Master did not want him, no other would?

Harry was brought back to the present, when Severus returned. He had fresh bandages and some salves Harry recognized. In fact, Harry was pretty certain he helped Severus brew some of what was in his hands. The man did not say a word when he entered, though his pursed lips and clenched jaw spoke volumes.

Severus set the items on the counter by the sink and turned to his ward. The boy was pale and trembling, though it did not seem that Harry was aware of it. More blood had stained his sleeve, yet Harry continued to stare at the floor, only occasionally glancing up through his eyelashes. Snape had to take a few breaths before he could speak. He had had to forbid Snippy from coming upstairs to see Harry. She had seen their entrance and was distraught, but now was not the time. Severus was already dealing with his own stormy emotions, the boy was obviously…vulnerable at the moment. It would not be good to suddenly bombard him with outcries and wailing. So…Snape cut himself off. He covered up anything he might be feeling with his Dungeon Bat persona and returned to his ward.

He stepped closer to the boy, and Harry shrunk back. Severus bit back a sigh and knelt so he was at Harry's eye level.

"I need you to remove your shirts, Mr. Potter." Finally, Harry actually looked at him, and it was with terror.

"But-"

"Mr. Potter. You will remove your shirts now." Harry opened his mouth as if to argue again, but one look from Snape, and he complied. The young wizard slipped off his button up shirt and had to fight the urge to pull his t-shirt sleeves down. After fingering the bottom of his shirt for a few moments, Harry gingerly removed it, careful not to tug on his bandages. Severus did not make a sound, while he undressed, but Harry saw the raw anger in the man's eyes when Snape finally saw Harry's cuts.

The ones from that morning were still covered up, but there were still plenty of scars from the past week or so for Severus to examine. The ex-spy bit his tongue and carefully removed the red bandages. Neither of them spoke but what was going on in each of their heads was deafening enough for them.

Severus worked quickly and efficiently: wiping the cuts clean, spreading a healing salve over them, and re-wrapping them with clean bandages. Then he reached back and grabbed the scar cream he had developed with Harry in mind. The scars of the boys abuse had been extensive, and were so old that they required an extra kick to really work. Self-inflicted scars were usually more difficult to remove, as well, because the witch or wizard's magic allowed it to happen and did not heal it for a reason.

Snape clenched his jaw shut so hard, he was sure his teeth were going to shatter. He could feel his ward trembling under his fingers, and it just made it that much more difficult to stay calm. Severus almost breathed an audible sigh of relief when he was finished. He banished the dirty bandages and clothing away and summoned a clean white t-shirt for the boy.

Harry quickly put it on and remained seated, his hands gripping the edge of the toilet seat. Finally, finally, Severus spoke.

"What did you use to do this? Snippy would have noticed if it was something from the kitchen. I allowed you to use a razor for your face in place of magic, but that should not have been able to do that." Harry didn't answer. It was bad enough that Severus was going to throw him out onto the streets; the man didn't need to know he was crazy too.

Snape pursed his lips.

"Very well." Then he swept from the room, and marched down the hall towards Harry's bedroom. The boy jumped up and raced after him.

"S-Sir!" Severus threw open the door to his room and went straight to the bed. He pulled up Harry's pillows and shook out the cases, throwing them on the floor when they yielded nothing.

Albus looked ruffled at the sudden entrance and glared at Snape. Severus was now on the floor looking under Harry's bed for his razor.

"Sir, please!" Harry's hands were shaking again, and he could feel his magic buzzing under his skin. He was scared, feeling threatened. If he could've retreated to his closet, he would have.

"I know you've hidden it somewhere, Mr. Potter, and I will continue to rip this room apart until I find it." Severus sat up and looked at the boy's pale face. He was not trying to scare the boy, but to be honest, Harry was scaring him. Then, he caught Harry's emerald eyes flicking every so slightly towards the other side of his bed.

Severus quickly stood, but it seemed Albus beat him to it. The bird was perched on the edge of Harry's headboard and hooting at the nightstand. Harry's hands were clenched into tight fists, and that was all Snape needed. He yanked open the drawer and saw the blade right away.

Red flooded his vision as he snatched the offending object from its hiding place. Severus turned cold black eyes on his ward, and his anger grew as he saw how Harry's eyes tracked the razor in his hand rather than looking at him.

"Where did you get this," he hissed. If it had been out in town, he had half a mind to ban Harry from going to that place ever again.

Harry bit the inside of his cheek, until he tasted blood. Everything was falling apart. He felt like he was cracking and one stiff breeze would turn him into a pile of broken pieces on the floor.

"I…I don't know." Severus's nose flared, and he took a deep breath. He expected the boy to lie about where he got the knife, but it still angered him more now that he actually heard it.

"You will tell me, right now, where you got this, or I will ban you from communicating with the outside world." Albus's feathered fluffed up and he glared at the Potion's Master. That the man would even imply that Albus would bring his master something to harm himself with. The outrage!

"Sir, you can't!" Severus's hand tightened around the knife, and he gave in to his urge to destroy the blasted thing. With a quick swish of his wand, the blade disintegrated and the ashes swept out the window.

"I can and I will, Mr. Potter." Severus was not happy to hurt the boy, but he cared to much for Harry to let him hurt himself. "You live in my house, and you are under my guardianship. Now, tell me where you got that blade!" Harry's hands were shaking violently, and his cheeks were growing red, from both fear and anger. Fear that Severus was going to turn him out and anger that the man had destroyed his knife.

"I already told you! I don't know!" Harry ignored the tears sliding down his cheeks and already began thinking of how he was going to manage without a blade. Just the thought of it made his stomach churn.

"You expect me to believe that you simply found a straight razor lying around, and decided to use it?" Severus was…more than concerned, but something seemed off about the whole situation. Harry had lied to him before, but now he was extremely emotional and yet still insisting that he didn't know, even after Severus had destroyed his knife.

"I'm not lying! Please, Sir! I came up here a week ago and it was just sitting there. I wasn't going to use it, but…" Severus watched as Harry scratched his wrists. The rising red marks were visible from where he stood, and he crossed the room. Harry backed up, but Snape snagged his wrists to stop him.

"Harry, stop. You are going to rip your skin open." Maybe that's the idea, Harry thought, but he bit down on it. He couldn't look Snape in the eye, anger and fear warring in him. "Harry, talk to me. Why did you decide to use it? You could have gotten rid of it, Hell, even told me about it, but instead you kept it." Harry tugged his wrists to test the man's grip, and found them secured in Severus's hands.

"You wouldn't understand. I need it. I don't know how it got there…but, I just…Ugh!" Harry pulled harder, wanting to be free, so he could run, somewhere, anywhere.

"Was it nightmares, Harry? Was it your birthday? Talk to me!" Harry glared at his guardian, the anger now surging as he fought. Snape saw the flare in the boy's eyes when he mentioned his birthday and was trying to piece the puzzle together in his head. Harry gritted his teeth, and stopped trying to pulling his wrists out of Snape's grasp. Severus, however, refused to loosen his hold on the boy, afraid he would bolt the moment he relaxed.

Instead he gently tugged Harry over to the bed and sat them both down on the edge. Harry looked at the ground, but Snape used a finger to turn his face towards him.

"Harry, please." Severus had controlled his emotions up to that point, but his voice wavered ever so slightly on that second word. Harry's eyes widened and he was trembling again, but with more guilt than anger this time. His guardian was not one to show emotions beyond anger and irritation. Luna's words echoed in his head.

You don't care for people who care about you by hurting yourself. He could see that more now, even as the voices of fallen loved ones from his nightmares surfaced. Oh, if his parents could see him now. What would they say?

"I'm sorry," his throat was closing up, and the words barely made it out. Severus cleared his throat and nodded.

"I know, Harry. I partly blame myself for all of this." Harry was quick to shake his head in denial. "Yes, Harry. I failed to be someone you felt you could talk to when things got hard. I am your guardian…and I care about you greatly. You know this. I also should have noticed sooner, stopped it before it even started. I should have helped you more when we first dealt with this, then maybe it would not have seemed like an option now." Tears were slipping from Harry's eyes and he squeezed them shut. How often did he have to cry in front of Snape. It seemed to happen a lot.

"The day that knife showed up…I don't know where it came from. It was just sitting there. I…I don't know why, but I picked it up and…without even thinking I put it against my wrist." Severus was rubbing his thumbs back and forth across Harry's wrists in comfort, encouraging him to continue. "It scared me, to be honest. I threw it into the nightstand and ran out of the room, wanting to forget about the whole thing. Then…that night…I had a nightmare. Worse than I had had in a while. I couldn't get their faces and words out of my head!" Harry shook his head as if to get rid of the nightmares he was remembering. "Something made me look in the nightstand and I saw the knife again. After that…it just made sense. The cuts…made them be quiet, and it made things better."

Harry's skin was tingling just thinking about it, and he felt the sharp pull to cut again. Talking had helped ease the guilt some…but it didn't make the need to harm himself go away.

Severus had been quiet while Harry was talking, but his thumbs never stopped their movement. Even when he was finished, Snape did not stop. In fact, he released Harry's wrists and pulled the boy to his chest, pressing a kiss to the top of the boy's head.

"Thank you for telling me. This can't happen again, but I swear I will help you get through this, Harry. I'll be here every step of the way." Harry nodded into the man's shirt and squeezed his guardian tight. All of his fears of being thrown out fled, and were replaced by such an overwhelming wave of relief and love that he broke down.

Snape held him through it all, and though right then, it didn't seem like he would be able to do it, Harry felt that Severus would make sure Harry stopped. It would be hard…but he could do it. With Snape as his guardian, Harry was certain of it.

So, yeah. This is gonna be tough for Harry and Severus. Getting really close to Menos' 'birthday gift' too. ;) Stay tuned!

Until next time!

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