You Can Live: Chapter 41

So finals are coming up, which means I won't be able to see straight let alone write for a while. Also...summer is almost here! I'll be home for the summer which means I should be able to get back into the swing of regular updates!

Yay!

Also, I just want to thank you lovely reviewers. I do read each and every one, and they hold a special place in my heart. I am glad for any happiness or comfort my stories bring you.

I do not have a beta. Any and all mistakes are my own!

Disclaimer: you know I don't own HP. A very rich, brilliant lady does.

Warnings: Basically just a ton of angst and discussion of cutting. In case this triggers, please don't read.

Talking

Severus did not want to leave Harry alone, but he needed to set some spells to ensure that Harry didn't have access to the knives in the house. The different instruments for potion's making were already spelled to not cut human flesh, so at least he could continue Harry's learning without worrying about that.

Harry was currently clutching his shirt, and had his face buried in Severus's shoulder. Every so often, Snape could feel a tremor go through the boy, but he had more or less calmed down.

This was going to be difficult. Perhaps if Severus had dealt with the boy's…urges the first time, rather than simply making the scars disappear, this would not have happened. But he hadn't, and now here they were. Unfortunately, Severus had been in a bit of a state when making excuses at the Weasley's, and he was certain someone was going to stop by and check on them.

He took a deep breath and rubbed his hand up and down Harry's back.

"Harry, let us take this downstairs. I need to take care of some things, but I don't want to leave you alone. Then we need to talk." Harry let loose a shaky breath, but nodded and pulled back so they could stand. Severus kept a hand on his ward's shoulder, as they descended the stairs.

When he settled Harry on the couch, Snippy popped in looking very concerned. Her large eyes nearly fell out of her skull when she caught sight of the bandages and pink lines on Harry's arms.

"Master Harry is hurt!" Harry bit his cheek, and looked at Severus for help when the house-elf started to wail.

"It is alright, Snippy. I've fixed him up, but I do think some tea would do everyone good. Strong." Snippy sniffled a few more times, before nodding and leaving to prepare the tea.

"I will be back in a few moments." Harry nodded and watched his guardian follow the house-elf to the kitchen.

Snippy was confused when she saw the Potion's Master behind her. It was very unusual for the man to help her in the kitchen, that was more of Harry's habit. Then she saw him pulling out all of the knives and holding his wand over them. Once he was finished, he placed the knives back in their proper place; however, he did not leave the kitchen right away.

Severus walked up to Snippy and motioned for the creature to come closer. Snippy popped up onto on of the kitchen chairs and was immediately anxious when her master leaned in.

"I need you to tell me if any of the kitchen knives ever go missing. Also, I know that Harry enjoys cooking, and I don't want to stop him from doing it. However, if he does cook, keep an eye on him." That was when it all seemed to click for the house-elf and she looked ready to cry once more.

"M-master Harry…hurt himself…with a knife." Severus nodded and awkwardly patted the house-elf on the shoulder. He left without saying anything more, and Snippy was left alone in the kitchen with the tea.

Snape returned to find his ward staring at the floor and cutting his palms open with his finger nails from clenching them into fists. He sat next to Harry and gently pried the boy's hands open. Harry let him without a word of protest and still didn't look at him. Severus was about to start up the hard conversation regarding Harry's cutting, when Harry suddenly spoke.

"Thank you." It was so quiet, Severus almost had the boy repeat himself. Instead, Harry finally looked up and explained. "Thank you…for letting me stay." Severus pursed his lips, noticing he still had a hold of Harry's hands and not caring.

"You thought I would get rid of you or turn you out for hurting yourself." Harry bit the inside of his cheek, but did not look away again, and nodded.

"It's just…you've done so much for me, and with the trial and everything. I thought…even one more thing and that would be it. That I would push you over the edge. You've already helped me with this and…falling back into it…felt like I was throwing everything that you've done for me back in your face." Severus sighed and shook his head.

"If you believe that…then I have failed you more than I originally thought." He felt Harry's pulse quicken under his finger tips and was surprised at the boy's vehement shaking of his head.

"No, Sir! Really! You were…are the closest thing to a…a real guardian that I have ever had. I know we hated each other for years, and I regret that. We're still learning. I've never had a real guardian before, and I get the feeling I'm the first person you've taken in." Snape did not speak, but he nodded and squeezed Harry's wrists before releasing them.

"You are correct. I wish to apologize for how I may have appeared to you at the Weasley's. I had no intention of scaring you. However, this is very serious, Harry. I cannot simply take away everything sharp and say it is done." Harry understood, though he didn't like it. Already he could feel his skin crawling. "This is, in its own way, an addiction. There is a constant temptation you battle against cutting yourself, and if you go for long enough with out it, you will come up with any excuse as to why you should do yourself harm." Harry understood this, though he did not like the word addiction being put on it. Before, when he cut, it was so he could control his pain, but recently it had been the only way for him to calm down and get any sleep.

"Now, you said that you started cutting again about a week ago. Can you tell me what happened that day?" Harry remembered clearly, and he was certain Snape would storm out a hurt someone if he told. However, his guardian's fierce expression compelled him to answer as truthfully as he felt he safely could. Yes, Severus seemed angry, but there was a strong protectiveness layered behind it if you knew how to look for it.

"It was… Ron came over to get away from his Mum and 'Mione. That…man from town came to the door…" Harry trailed off once he saw the recognition in his guardian's eye. The man was not pleased.

"You told me that he made you uncomfortable. That he looks at you in a way that you do not like. Was he a part of your nightmares that night?" Harry could easily shake his head 'no' to that question. In fact, Menos hadn't been a part of his dreams since he started cutting. However, just recalling the date brought the villain's words to the forefront of his mind. Harry would be finding out everything that he was missing…tonight.

"Harry, are you alright?" Severus was concerned as his ward suddenly lost all the color in his face and began to sway on the couch next to him.

Harry tried to nod encouragingly but found the movement just made him dizzy. He reached a hand behind him to steady himself on the arm of the sofa, but couldn't quite reach it. Instead, he found himself guided forward and his head pushed between his knees.

"Just breath, Harry." Severus's hand squeezed the back of his neck, as Harry tried to calm down. It seemed to him that his Gryffindor courage was leaving him high and dry now that he was out of school and Voldemort was gone. Harry never remembered having this much anxiety and emotional distress while at Hogwarts. Perhaps everything was finally catching up with him.

Snape kept his ward down for a couple of minutes, before slowly guiding him back up. He truly had no idea what was going through the boy's head that made him react in such a manner. Harry had denied that the muggle haunted his nightmares from a week ago, but had gone extremely pale and faint not moments later.

Harry looked exhausted and worn out, and to be honest, Severus was feeling the same. Luckily, Snippy came in at that moment with the tea. Tears were shining brightly in her eyes, as she set the tray down and left the room. Severus lifted a cup and firmly pressed it into Harry's unsteady hands.

"Drink up." The boy nodded dumbly and did as he was told, while Snape did the same. They sat in relative silence as they drank their tea, allowing it to fortify them for the rest of the conversation to come.

Severus finished his tea first, but it was actually Harry that broke the silence.

"Sir…how are we going to do this?" The fact that he was scratching his wrists explained his anxiety to Severus loud and clear.

"It will be difficult. The primary…treatment will be keeping anything that you could harm yourself with out of your reach. I have spelled the knives in the kitchen to not be able to cut your flesh. The instruments we use in Potion's preparations already have that enchantment on them. So, you will still be able to cook and work on your apprenticeship, but you won't be able to harm yourself with your tools. I will also require you to use a simple shaving charm rather than your guarded razor. I will place the same enchantment on any scissors in the house that I put on the knives in the kitchen." Hearing all of that made Harry's skin itch more, but he knew that his guardian was only trying to help him. He couldn't stop a small snort though after the long list of things to be spelled.

"Will forks be next?" Severus raised an eyebrow.

"If it becomes necessary, yes," he replied, completely serious. His guardian's response made him wince, reminding him once more how badly he had messed up. Snape sighed, however and wrapped an arm around Harry's shoulders.

"I do not want you to hurt yourself, Harry, and with this…addiction that you have, at times anything will seem acceptable to you to use to harm yourself. Do you understand?" Harry nodded, and pictured himself using a fork to cut his arms. The scary part was that he could see himself getting that desperate, especially with the way he was just about crawling out his skin for the need. "There is something else that I think might help you."

Severus pulled out his wand and summoned a small journal. It landed on the coffee table in front of them, next to the tea tray.

"I know you are not telling me everything, Harry. However, I understand that some things are difficult to talk about. If that is the case, I want you to write about it, in here. I promise I will not read it. You can even put a privacy spell over the journal, but I do want you to write in it. When you have a bad dream, write it down. Those words in your head screaming at you, write them down. Get whatever it is up here," Severus poked Harry's forehead, "out, and put it in here. Then, if you decide you want to talk to me, I will be here. And if you would rather talk to someone else…your friends…a Mind Healer perhaps-"

"No. I…I don't want to talk to a head doctor. I've been called crazy enough times in my life, I don't need to hear it from someone that can make it 'official'." Harry shuddered at the thought of explaining everything that went on in his head to a stranger paid to listen. Uncle Vernon's words about the Muggle 'crackpots' rattled in his skull. "Frauds, the lot of them! The freaks willing to pay those 'doctors' all that money just to listen to them whine, should just be put out of their misery if they can't handle it."

"You aren't crazy. You are a young man who had to grow up way too fast and never had the opportunity to deal with the pain caused to you by your relatives or Voldemort. What you have been doing to yourself is not that uncommon, especially in the Muggle world. It is dangerous and not only hurts you but those that care for you," Harry clenched his eyes shut in shame, but Snape continued, "but that does not make you 'crazy'. I was a underling for a crazy man, Harry, so I know." Harry was surprised at his guardian's blatant mentioning of his time as a Death Eater. Granted, it wasn't exactly dirty details, but the man usually avoided any talk of it.

"Thank you, Sir. I…Luna found out when she was with me, when you and Draco were at the trial. She said I had to be the one to tell you. She also said Wrackspurts were making me think this was okay, but I'm not so sure about that part." Snape snorted, but nodded.

"Miss Lovegood is a very strange witch, but wise beyond her years…at times. I do think she was right about you telling me, though I found out mostly by accident. It would have done you no good, if she had forced you or taken it into her own hands."

Just then, they were interrupted by a tiny ping in from the wards, followed quickly by a tapping at the window. A puffed up, stout owl was waiting for one of them to allow it entrance.

Harry's heart crawled up to his throat as soon as he recognized the bird. It was Ron's. Severus stood and took the letter. The owl hooted, until Severus scowled and gave the bird a treat. When it had finally gone, Severus returned to the couch and handed the letter to Harry.

"From Mr. Weasley." Harry wasn't sure what to do. Ron was unsurprisingly asking after his well being, since he had abruptly left his own birthday party under the flimsy excuse of being ill, an excuse given by his guardian, no less. Apparently, Mrs. Weasley had had a bit of a fuss and almost insisted upon seeing Harry herself so she could take care of him, but had backed down when Severus had seemed very insistent. But then, Ron said that he, Hermione and Draco were planning on delivering his gifts personally and were coming to check on him the next day.

"I, I don't know what to do. They want to come here…I can't..I can't tell them." The corners of Snape's mouth pulled down, when he read the letter.

"I am not surprised. Your friends all seemed very skeptical when I announced that we would be departing. I cannot tell you what you should do, Harry. You need to decide what you want to tell them. However, I have the distinct feeling that they will not be angry with you. They will be upset, certainly, but they are…good people." If Harry were not so distressed he would have wondered how many teeth Severus had to pull to allow himself to say that.

What Snape said was true though. His friends wouldn't be angry with him. Well, Ron might, but that would pass quickly. Mostly, Harry was dreading the sadness and hurt and betrayal that would paint their faces.

That was almost enough to make him light headed with anxiety again. He really didn't know what to do.

I honestly couldn't remember what happened in this chapter, it's been so long since I've read it. :/ Now that I am oriented, the 'birthday gift' is in the next chapter! Unfortunately, you won't be hearing from me for a while. But that just means the anticipation will be great and the chapter will all the sweeter when you do get it. :)

Until next time!

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