You Can Live: Chapter 42

Guysguysguysguys! I'm back! I've missed you! Was planning on updating last Saturday but I was drugged up and in pain (wisdom teeth surgery). But here I am with a new chapter!

PS We finally get to the 'birthday gift' in this chapter. Please heed the warnings!

I do not have a beta. Any and all mistakes are my own!

Disclaimer: you know I don't own HP. A very rich, brilliant lady does.

Warnings: HEAVILY IMPLIED SEXUAL ABUSE! NOTHING GRAPHIC. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF A TRIGGER!

Now You Know...

"Why can't we go now?" Draco rolled his eyes as Ron asked the same question for the fifth time that afternoon. His fiancé didn't seem to be losing her patience however. No doubt years of growing up friends with the other two Gryffindors had taught her when to stay calm and when it was alight to whack either of the boys upside the head.

"Because, Ronald, if Harry is actually sick, he should be given some time to rest without all of us barging over there to see him." Ron sighed heavily, and flopped back onto the worn, lumpy couch.

"But Draco's a Healer's apprentice. He can just go over there and check!" Draco sat down with much more grace than the other wizard had and raised a brow at the freckled young man.

"I know my godfather better than you do. He cares greatly for Harry and wanted him to enjoy his party as much as possible. If he told us that Harry is 'sick and needs to leave' than he had a good reason for it. We need to trust that. We can see for ourselves what is going on tomorrow." Ron grumbled, but luckily stopped pushing. Hermione settled next to him and squeezed his knee.

"It will be fine, Ron. Draco is right. If Severus lied to us about Harry being sick, he must have had a very good reason for it." Her tone belied that she strongly believed Snape had lied to them, but then again, they all thought that. That, however, brought up the worrying question of why. Why would Snape feel that lying to them about what was going on with Harry was better than telling them the truth?

"Maybe Harry had a panic attack of a sort. Too many people at once, all the attention on him. After a while, he seemed to be getting pretty uncomfortable," Hermione theorized. Draco tilted his head in acknowledgement, while Ron scoffed.

"It's not like this is his first time at the Burrow, Hermione, or his first time speaking in front of people or having everyone's attention on him. I don't see how this is any different than anything he's done before."

"But, Ron, the War is over. All those times before, there was still an underlying fear and anxiety about what darkness lied ahead. We all know how strong Harry was through all of that. Maybe, now that there's nothing looming in the distance that he has to be strong for, everything's catching up to him." Ron's face pinched together as he tried to make sense of it all in his head.

"How did Harry celebrate his birthday's before?" The couple turned towards the Slytherin. Draco's lips were pursed and his eyes narrowed in thought. Whatever was going through his head did not seem to be altogether very pleasant.

"Um…I'm not entirely sure. I don't think the Dursleys ever acknowledged his birthday." Ron nodded in agreement to what Hermione had said.

"They didn't. If anything, they probably had him do extra chores. Mum would send him some treats though, and we all pitched in to get him some Quidditch stuff or something. But…you know, I don't think Harry really liked his birthday. He would send a thank you letter with Hedwig every year, but beyond that…." A slight chill settled over the room, and the trio grew quiet.

The others had all dispersed, back home or to their rooms after helping put things away. Mr. and Mrs. Weasley were outside sitting under the stars and chatting, leaving the three of them alone in the living room. The space felt heavy in the silence.

They suddenly were afraid of whatever they might find the next day.

Severus and Harry took dinner together in the dining room as usual, but it was a quiet affair. The silence wasn't comfortable, and it was more due to that they were both emotionally exhausted. Both men were spent, and couldn't pull anything together enough to hold a conversation. They were trapped with their own thoughts.

Snippy had made a light supper of soup and salad. Harry hadn't noticed earlier, but the way the house elf was looking at him meant she knew too. Another pang of guilt struck his heart, and he stared deeper into his soup. He could barely handle just two people knowing; how was he supposed to deal with three of his much more expressive friends?

When they were finally both scraping the bottoms of their bowls and few green shreds remained on their plates, Severus stood. Snippy hurriedly popped in and cleared the table, before Harry was even on his feet.

"Harry, I am going to change into something a bit more comfortable for the evening, and I suggest you do as well. I suspect we will both be turning in early tonight." Harry nodded and walked slowly upstairs to his room. He had to take a deep breath before entering, as if expecting something to jump out the moment he opened the door. His hand even went unconsciously to his wand in his back pocket. Nothing happened, but he still got changed into his pajama bottoms and t-shirt quickly. Albus was perched by the window, and watched him the whole time, which was not as unsettling as Harry would have assumed. It felt more like a protective stare than a creepy one.

The bird hooted once and flew over to land on his shoulder when he was finished getting dressed. Harry actually lurched to the side as he wasn't expecting the large owl, and took a moment to set his feet underneath him again.

Albus stayed with him on the walk down the stairs and into the living room, before leaving Harry's shoulder to perch on the back on the couch. Severus was seated there, surprising Harry with sleep wear similar to his own, but covered with a light robe. Snape raised a brow at the bird currently dozing near his head, before snorting and rolling his eyes.

"Come, Harry. I believe I can help us relax enough to sleep. Potion free, I might add." Harry nodded and settled on the couch next to his guardian. Severus leaned forward and grabbed a book that had been lying on the coffee table. It was the book that he had read to Harry from a couple of days ago. One of the older wizard's arms went around Harry's shoulders, and the boy leaned into Snape's side, tucking his feet underneath himself.

Severus's chest tightened a bit when Harry leaned into him. He found himself in another moment when he could not help but see himself as Harry's…father and Harry as his son. It was like, despite the circumstances leading them to that point in time, it all felt right. Snape couldn't tell, but Harry felt the same. The boy's own chest felt like it was about to crack under the pressure of everything. But as he sat there, with Snape's arm around him about to read to him, Harry couldn't prevent the feeling of safety and home. This was all followed quickly by a good dose of guilt and shame. Would James Potter be turning over in his grave at this? Would Harry's actual dad be mad at Harry for trying to replace him with a childhood enemy?

Harry's thoughts were pushed away when Severus began reading out from the book. They still hadn't finished the Lord of the Rings, and Snape picked up right where they had left off. His voice rose and fell in a way that painted the picture of the story before Harry's eyes in a way that seemed…magical. The young wizard felt his eyes begin to drag shut, and Severus's side just kept getting more and more comfortable.

At some point, Snape must have noticed that Harry was falling asleep, because his voice stopped. Harry fought with all his power to not fall asleep, but his guardian was rubbing the back of his neck and Harry was exhausted.

"Why are you fighting it, Harry? Just go to sleep. We both need to rest after such a long day." Harry clenched his jaw and pressed his face into Snape's shoulder. "Harry? What is it?" The hand on the back of his neck went up to his hair, and the safe feeling Harry had had earlier was combating with the fear of what his subconscious would bring, what Menos would bring.

"I…I don't want to sleep." The words were out of his mouth, before he could stop and think. But…maybe that was a good thing. Too much thinking got him into this situation in the first place didn't it? Thinking he could handle everything, thinking that Severus would throw him out at every turn, thinking that he was protecting his guardian by keeping him in the dark. Besides, it was getting hard to think, with his brain getting gradually more foggy and jumbled.

"But you need to rest, Harry. You are exhausted. If you are worried about nightmares…I can give you Dreamless Sleep again…" Harry shook his head, though all that effectively did was rub his face into Snape's robe.

"He'll…get through…anyway.." It seemed Harry's body had decided to prevent him from speaking when he finally was ready to come clean with everything. His tongue felt like lead, and his eyelids would no longer stay open. He could still feel Severus tense under him though.

"Harry, what do you mean? Who will get through?" Snape sounded scared. Harry was scared too, but also tired. So tired. If he could just-no! He had to open his eyes and tell Snape what was going on.

"He'll…I just…" A sound, something between a whimper and a sob that Harry would attribute to his exhaustion and emotional distress, came out of his mouth. What came out of his mouth next was something Harry hadn't heard himself say for a very long time. "I'm scared."

Then he was out like a light, leaving a stunned Severus with an armful of young wizard and a cauldron full of questions.

Harry knew exactly where he was. It was cramped, and he could feel the spiders crawling on him, though he could not see them. He heard a cry of fear from outside his cupboard and hurried to get out. His head cracked on the bottom of the stairs, but he only hissed and forced his way out of the small space.

Harry hadn't even made it to the base of the stairs before he ran into someone. Strong arms wrapped around him, and he was pulled into the man's chest.

"Now, now, stop struggling, Harry. This is what you wanted after all." Harry froze. He didn't need to see the Menos's face to know the man had a satisfied smirk on it. The young wizard shoved the man hard, until he was free. He had his wand out and barely an inch from Menos's chest. Menos gave him such a pitying look it made a chill run down Harry's spine.

"If you waited a moment, you would have remembered that that won't work on me, Sweetheart." Despite the threat, Harry didn't lower his wand. He felt like puking when he heard the man call him 'Sweetheart' and his heart jumped when he heard another cry, this one of pain. Menos followed his gaze up the stairs and smiled at him.

"Remember, you wanted to know, Harry. I'm just giving you your birthday present." Harry couldn't get his thoughts straight, but he felt that he certainly did not want to know. "Here. Let me help you along, or you'll miss my favorite part." His wand disappeared from between his fingers and suddenly, Harry was standing in the doorway of Dudley's second bedroom. Biting fingers on his shoulders kept him in place, forcing him to watch the horrifying scene in front of him.

There was Menos and a much younger Harry on the bed Harry remembered sleeping on since he got moved out of the cupboard. The young man wanted, in equal parts, to run away and run forward to stop the atrocity he was seeing.

"You were so naive when I would showed up. Your Aunt and cousin left, and then your Uncle opened the front door. He invited me in and then directed me to the little cupboard under the stairs where you were kept. The first time we met you looked at me with such hope in your eyes. I was the first person to ever be kind to you." Harry shivered and tried to turn away from the man whispering in his ear. One of Menos's hands whipped out and gripped Harry's chin, forcing him to continue watching. "Don't you see, Harry? This is the real you. That little boy, so starved for affection that he was so eager to please me. But…" Menos sighed in disappointment. "You always ended up fighting eventually. You would cry, even last year you cried. You'd hit me and scream and cry even though no one was going to save you. Your magic would do you no good, and then you would…"

Menos let the scene in front of them finish for him. The young Harry on the bed seemed to collapse, though the older Harry could still hear the boy whimpering in pain. All of the breath left Harry's chest then, and Menos's arms came around him to keep him upright and pulled back against the man's chest.

The Menos that had been hurting the younger Harry, stopped, then stood. He continued to stare at the crying boy on the bed while he…fixed himself up. Finally, he reached down ran his fingers through the boy's hair and kissed him on the forehead as if he hadn't just done the unspeakable. Then, he pulled out his wand and whispered, 'Obliviate'.

The scene faded suddenly, and Harry found himself pinned down on the ratty bed with Menos leering down at him. Harry tugged, but the hands on his wrists were like iron bands. He would have glared at Menos, but it was like a part of his chest was ripped open and there was no defiance left in him. Only fear.

"Why," he croaked out. The worst part…was that Menos only shrugged.

"I have been alive for a very, very long time, Harry. I heard about Voldemort, didn't give a damn, but then I heard about you. The fabulous 'Boy-Who-Lived'. Well, I just had to see for myself. When I laid my eyes on you…" Those eyes were roaming all over Harry's body and they felt more like burning fire that Harry couldn't escape than a simple gaze. "I couldn't resist, but after that first time, you weren't the boy I first desired. I decided to play a little game. So, every time your birthday rolled around, I would stop in, then Obliviate you when we were done. It made each birthday like the first time all over again." Harry was going to be sick, he truly was.

"I wonder though…" Menos slowly slid his hands down from Harry's wrists until one pressed into his shoulder and the other wrapped around the back of his neck. "What would it be like now that you know. Now that you know what you really are." Menos leaned forward and Harry lifted his hands to push back against the man's chest. He cried out and then-

He woke up.

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