Disclaimer: Harry Potter is life, but it isn't mine.
It had been five days since Remus's last visit, which had quite clearly spelled disaster from the moment the Headmaster had pulled out that forbidden envelope. This given time of course gave Dumbledore plenty of time to think everything over from the last few weeks; the professor truly wanted to solve this conundrum, but feared that his attempts to help Remus were in vain. Now, Dumbledore was hardly the sort of man who gave up easily, and he therefore promised himself that he would persevere and eventually help the healing of the man who had lost so much from the war.
To do this, Dumbledore would often sit in his office and contemplate his options when all work had been done on that day; he gave out an air of pensiveness whenever a member of staff would visit, but he did not allow his predicament to intrude on his daily business in running his school.
He constantly thought about how to go about this situation differently, so that instead of making it worse, he could help his former student. In the past Dumbledore had a keen eye when it came to solving problems and he was usually successful. It was unsettling to him that he had managed to do so much in his old life, but was failing a what he would consider to be a simple task.
Dumbledore first began by realizing that his problems would not be solved if he continued to badger the poor lycanthrope into opening up to him. This lack of subtly and inconsiderateness was indeed quite uncharacteristic of the Professor, but at the time, he reasoned that maybe if he went about the problem analytically, he would accomplish more in regard to helping Remus recover.
This theory had obviously proved to be wrong -an outcome that was not often associated with the wise old man much. It was after pondering this, that Dumbledore decided that instead of trying to study Remus, he would actually help him, as a friend.
He planned his theory and plan of action logically, and decided against dragging the werewolf to his office.
Alternatively, he would visit Remus.
There was a knock at the door, but Remus did not pay it any mind. Instead, he focused his attention on his right arm, which had begun to bleed quite profusely, although not by any dangerous amount. He was in the process of stripping his bandages and had begun the task of re-opening one of his wounds from the previous moon.
It was his release; his escape.
The lycanthrope watched in fascination as blood formed beneath his fingernails, which he had pressured sharply upon the incisions he made on his wounds. The blood calmed him, and he smiled lazily at the numb pain. He did not have the same intentions as he did in the shack, Remus just wanted to feel something.
Anything.
After his recurring nightmares that had beheld him in his sleep, he needed to prove to himself that he was still alive; capable of giving and receiving pain. His constant dreams of Sirius were now filled with his lover's mournful grey eyes as opposed to his usual stormy ones. His nightmares also drowned him with the howls of Padfoot, like that of the wolf inside himself -so much sorrow as the calls were filled with such remorse and self-condemnation. In his nightmares, The Grim would express so much emotion that Remus could hardly comprehend it all. It was that which had resorted him to force his despondency into the penetration of his flesh once more.
The knock sounded again before the burgundy door creaked open, allowing Albus Dumbledore to enter with a thoughtful expression, which quickly changed into one of concern as he gaze strayed from Remus's face to his exposed arm. He rushed over gracefully (a feat only he could execute) towards the werewolf and took the ashen wrist in his hand as he traced the wound with his wand, closing up the opening. When he was done, he tenderly realised his grip as he recognized the recent tremors which would overcome Remus when he was touched. He sat back on the opposite side of the bed from Remus, who lay resting against the headboard.
The lycanthrope's room was not a very extravagant one. The walls were decorated ivory, as were the ceiling and carpet. The room itself gave an impression of blankness, enhanced by the bareness in it's lack of contents. There was a bed, a chest of drawers, and a writing desk placed beneath the sealed window. The covers of his bed were meant to be white, like the rest of the room, but there were many spots of brown and red from dried blood that Remus had not bothered to clean up or try to hide. There was no point in lying anyway, he thought. The other two items were the only features of his room that brought an ounce of colour to it. The chestnut brown wood stood out immensely against the rest of the room as they contracted with the tones of white.
Remus stared into Dumbledore's twinkling eyes, searching for a reaction -anything- but found none. Dumbledore looked expressionless, and Remus feared that he was going to get another lecture with regard to his actions. Because of this thought, he got the shock of his life when Dumbledore managed a smile as he met his eyes and spoke softly,
'How are you, Remus?' His look was sincere. Remus cocked his head to the side slightly out of habit (one most likely picked up by a certain canine that he will not mention), and narrowed his eyes.
What's he trying to pull?
'I was wondering if you would like to take a stroll with me out along the grounds, Remus. I hardly think this room is exciting enough to hold that many activities for you to partake in.' His smile grew when Remus's suspicion did too. Finally, his curiosity got the better of him, and he replied,
'What are you planning, Sir?' Dumbledore chuckled lightly.
'I have not planned anything, Remus. I just came to apologize for how I have acted these past few months, and wondered if you would perhaps accept my apology if I bribed you with some fresh air.' Remus allowed himself to smile at that, although it took a lot of effort to accomplish.
'I can accept your apology, Sir, for the sake of some fresh air.' The corner of his mouth twitched, though his voice was monotonous. 'Forgiveness may be another story... although, I never have been able to stay angry at people for very long, so I wouldn't count on my anger staying evident when it is targeted at the man who gave me so many chances that others would never have allowed.'
Dumbledore smiled brighter at that, but did not comment further and both men slowly stood from the bed and made their way to the door. Dumbledore held the said door open for Remus, as he crossed the threshold, shoulders hunched and head bowed. It was Remus's first time out of his room since his trip to Dumbledore's office, and he felt quite exposed. The headmaster followed and dismissed a surprised Madam Pomfrey when she rushed over to interfere. No one had stopped Remus from leaving his room, it was his own concealment that kept him there, isolated away from everyone. The matron was just shocked to see him out of his 'Sanctuary' was all.
The two wizards walked out along the grounds by the lake in silence. It was a comfortable silence as opposed to the usual awkward one that took place. Remus took this time to think about what he would say when the headmaster would eventually question him about his 'problem'. He was so angry at Dumbledore, but he knew he did not deserve the level of hostility Remus had presented these past few weeks.
He argued that his anger was reasonable though, and he knew that Dumbledore was aware of that also. He had constantly pushed Remus, and tried to pressure him into talking; into opening up. Remus would open up when he was ready, even the deathly impatient Marauders had known that. Dumbledore had forced Remus to his limit with all of his questions and actions, trying to get some sort of response out of the embittered werewolf.
It had all been too much for him.
On the other hand though, he knew that the old headmaster was only trying to help him, and after everything he had done for Remus -allow him a proper education when others would have shunned him, gave him a sustainable job in the Order when no other employer ever gave him a second glance , he gave him the chance to make friends, and showed him that not everyone was as prejudiced as he originally thought- how could Remus spite him? He should be thanking him... should he not?
Dumbledore spoke, startling him out of his thoughts.
'Forgive me for being so brash, Remus, but I believe that we have both had a lot of time to think our actions over this past week; I cannot help but wonder: are you ready to forgive me yet? I understand that I have not been entirely helpful, and I can not express how much I have berated myself for my inconsiderate approach with regard to you. I figured that if I went about your... situation... analytically, then I would be able to sort the problem quicker, and more professionally.
'As recently informed by a rage induced Professor McGonagall shortly after your departure five days ago from my office, I'm afraid I may have been wrong.' His tone was laid back and amused as he remembered that particular encounter, but his expression was indeed sincere, albeit questioning, implying that he actually required a serious answer to his previous question. Remus looked at him inquiringly and answered earnestly,
'forgiveness does not mean accepting one's apology, Sir, it requires fully understanding that a person made a mistake but is worthy of a second chance.' His mouth twitched upwards as he waited for the headmaster's answer. His words, and their meanings, were spoken with such familiarity on his tongue that Remus wondered if it were indeed him talking. The old Remus. The unintended logic behind his words calmed him; spoke to him in a way.
'Yes. That is very wise, Remus, and I admit that I have indeed made as many mistakes as any other person. I also believe however, that I am also entitled to a second chance, as much as any other man.'
'I would have to agree, Professor. As you are the man who gave so many others so many second chances -however much they might not have deserved it, might I add- surely it would be unreasonable of me if I were not to be lenient with him in regard to his recent actions. After all, however ineffective they were, they were only executed with the intention of helping me.' He allowed himself to smile as a voice -sounding suspiciously like Prongs- spoke to him mentally.
There's our Moony with... words and shit! Took you long enough, mate!
Remus stopped walking and turned to look out over the Black lake. His expression was tranquil, and he felt more at peace than he had in a long time. It was a wonder what a battle of vocabulary and logic, however small, could do to his emotions and senses.
The sunset before him was a whirl of colour: reds, oranges, purple; the colours of fire and so much more. The swirls of such beauty reflected upon the water, making the surface shine in the light, and Remus realized then, that the world did contain beauty after all this time; that the world had continued to shine, even when all appeared dark for him. It had been so long since he had witnessed a sunset so divine. He realized then, that he should not hide away from the people who want to help him. Lily and James would not have wanted him to live like this. He realized that. Remus owed them that much, at least. No, he should not forget what happened, but he could not cease to live just because of the past, however much it hurt and tore at him.
Remus inhaled deeply and continued to stare out across the landscape as he addressed Dumbledore.
'Yes. I forgive you, Albus. I'm sorry.'
'Thank you, Remus, but do not be sorry. You have nothing to be sorry for. I understand your pain, and what your going through. It's perfectly normal for a person's mind to experience such grief after the amount of trauma you have experien-'
He broke off at the look on Remus's face. The calm, pensiveness from moments before had vanished, and was replaced with indignation and annoyance. His emerald orbs were like they once were, cold and dead, displaying the wolf that lay within him to the headmaster, who had just begun to think that he had accomplished a great deal in these past few hours. When Remus spoke, his voice shook.
'I have forgiven you, Sir. I have been willing to make a compromise and talk about all this, but do not tell me you understand what I am going through Professor, because you don't. No one does, so do not pretend that you do.' As Dumbledore gazed into those eyes, filled with such resentfulness and discontent, he knew then that he had to make the decision: the decision to either go about his answer analytically; professionally, or deal with it emotionally, like the friend he said he would be to the lycanthrope. Finally, the answer appeared only too obvious, and the Headmaster knew then that this time, he had chosen his path right.
'Then help me understand, Remus.' The lycanthrope hesitated, breaking eye contact. The anger was still evident, but discomfort had taken over and consumed his lithe form. Dumbledore saw the opportunity and reached out further. 'Please?'
Remus looked up at that. Could he do it? Was he finally ready to talk about his horrors, his fears? With some thought, he slowly began to nod.
It did not take them long to get back to Dumbledore's office. The trip was made in silence, but Dumbledore was in high spirits never the less, Remus could tell. He however, appeared to be quite nervous.
This is it. Secrets out.
He took his usual place in the seat before the royal desk as Dumbledore took his own respected place behind it. Remus watched as the headmaster pulled out a very familiar satchel from a drawer behind his desk. Silently, he handed the satchel to Remus and waited as he inspected it.
'I thought we might start with this.'
Remus's hands trembled beneath the material as he traced the rips in the fabric from his scuffle with Malfoy, and the trip to the Ministry. He looked up at Dumbledore solemnly with questioning eyes.
'Can- Am I allowed to open it, Sir?' He did not see any reason that he should not, but he had to be sure. Dumbledore, it seemed, thought the same.
'They're your belongings, Remus. Surely, you are entitled to open it. It must have been a while since you have gazed upon its contents.'
Remus nodded and opened the flap. First, he pulled out his almost forgotten about wand. He twirled it in his hands with familiarity. It had been so long since he felt the engraved wooden patterns beneath his fingertips. Too long he had been without it. He needed his wand, it was his proof that he was indeed a wizard, and that no one could take that away from him. He smiled lightly, straining the muscles in his face, but he did not care. To further prove this identity, he pointed his wand at his satchel and began to sew together the snags and rips that it had attained with wordless magic. When he was finished, he lifted his wand and positioned it behind his ear, a habit he took up in third year, and continued to rummage through the satchel.
Next, he pulled out a square box, wrapped in a turquoise foil, and he stared at it in horror. He had forgotten about the present from Sirius. He tried to shove the box back into the bag, but unfortunately for him, Dumbledore had already seen it.
'Everything all right, Remus?' The lycanthrope nodded, feeling slightly nauseous.
'Oh yes, quite. I just don't think that I am quite ready to open the box yet.' He hesitated, 'it was from Sirius.'
Dumbledore looked to the place in the satchel where the object should be suspiciously, but nodded and let the matter slide. It's contents would be revealed eventually anyway.
Trying to change the subject, Remus decided to pull out one of the photo albums and rubbed the spine affectionately. This one had always been his favourite album. Forgetting that Dumbledore was watching him intently, he began to flick through its pages. Unwillingly, his eyes began to water up as he looked upon the brightest page in the album. He gave out a watery chuckle and was suddenly aware of the other presence in the room. He looked up at Dumbledore's questioning stare and began to explain the photo angled so only he could see it.
'This was taken at James and Lily's wedding. I remember, it was the best day of all of our lives. Before Harry was born, of course. It was the most magical day. I'd never seen so much love in two people's eyes. Lily was beautiful, I remember catching James's look when he first saw her waling down the isle. He, err... seemed to be able to forget to breath for a moment, ha. He looked handsome as well though. Lily would always sneak a look when he wasn't looking. It had taken so long for us to get his hair presentable, but Lily just whipped out her wand and brought it back to its usual wild self. Sirius was so mad-' He paused for a moment, then continued in a more sentimental tone, 'I was so happy for them. No one deserved such a truer love more than those two. They were so perfect for each other.
'It's just so sad to think that they're both gone now. The world seemed to have lost some of its colour in their absence.' His gaze dropped back down to the picture.
The picture was of the five of them: the Marauders and Lily. James had his arms snaked around Lily from behind, her petite hands covered in his. He rested his head in her hair, beautiful red and ginger hair which shone in the light when the flash went off, a single lily flower was the only accessory she had in her hair. It was cliché, but she looked pure; perfect. Both her and James were smiling so happily at the camera, eyes full of mirth and happiness. To the right of the newly wed couple was, of course, Sirius. He was, as usual, quite exuberant and ecstatic for his brother in everything but blood, for he finally had the girl of his dreams. Remus stared at that face; the face that had brought him so much love and pain. Sirius did not look like a killer, he simply looked... Sirius: brave, loyal, loving, and so much more.
Remus shook himself. No, he could not afford to think of that right now.
He now looked back down and at the other two figures in the picture. Remus himself was to the left of the happy couple, smiling contently. His face may be the calmer of the group, but it clearly expressed how thrilled he was that his two best friends were bonded, to love each other forever. He marvelled in their happiness, and how the two managed to find each other. Once or twice, Remus observed, he and Sirius would share a knowing glance between their friends, but shook his head and focused on Peter instead.
Peter was on Remus's left, looking past him and at James and Lily. The amount of envy was evident in his eyes as he stared longingly at them. Remus could have sworn he detected a hint of jealousy -and could that possibly be loathing- in his eyes, but quickly thought against the idea. Peter adored James, and everything about him. It could not possibly be anything as extreme as that in a stare, not when he's smiling with just as much mirth as the rest of them.
Aware that Dumbledore was still watching him, he turned over a page. His smile immediately dropped, and his lower lip trembled. Reluctantly, a single tear dropped onto the old parchment as he closed his eyes and breathed a deep breath.
'What's the matter, Remus?' Dumbledore asked in concern. Remus shook his head.
'Oh no, Sir. I'm fine. It's just... just I remember this moment well. It just shows how much his betrayal hurt.' He did not need to indulge further, Dumbledore knew who 'he' was.
Remus opened his eyes and looked onto the picture. This time, there were no bright lights, or smiling faces. This time, the atmosphere was dark, as the only light was that of the bedside lamp. The photo was taken in the Gryffindor dormitory. Remus was laying on his bed, almost asleep. His hands were buried in thick, ebony fur, as he clung to the black dog beside him in possessiveness. The touch was not hard, but it symbolized the secret bond between the two. Padfoot's stormy eyes rested upon the lycanthrope's sleeping form and nuzzled deeper towards his touch.
Seconds passed, before the huge, black dog transformed into the eighteen year old boy, who yearned for the other's warmth and touch. Remus's arms were still around Sirius, and the latter chose to return the gesture by wrapping his own arms around the lithe boy in return, kissing his nose admiringly. That was when Remus's tired eyes would flutter open knowingly, and kiss the other between the eyes, before resting their foreheads together.
Remus stared at himself and Sirius in the picture dolefully. They were so happy back then. Happy and in love. What happened?
'Why did he have to go and do this?' He wondered aloud, once again forgetting Dumbledore was also in the room.
'Sirius?' Dumbledore wondered curiously, without a hint of accusation. He seemed to be contemplating something. Remus nodded once in response.
'He was my life, Sir. He was the reason I chose to keep on living. He made me promise him that I'd try to carry on, for him, and I did. I carried on for Sirius, but all he did in return was destroy my life, and so many others as well.' He paused for breath, regaining his composure. 'I'm sorry, sir. It's just so hard to comprehend that the Sirius I loved -more than anything in the world- was the same one capable of murdering so many people, and cursing Harry and I to live our lives alone, without our real family here with us. It's so hard to see that my Sirius was capable of such merciless actions, and not even experiencing any remorse or guilt for his actions.'
Dumbledore nodded in understanding, and his blue eyes began to twinkle as he seemed lost in thought. Remus waited for his revelation, anxiously. Finally, Dumbledore found his voice.
'Remus, after some thought, I think that there is only one way that you can officially claim closure and peace. But I must ask you this: how would you feel about facing your fears upfront?' He asked, inquiringly. The werewolf appeared confused.
'I'm not sure I understand, Sir.' The lycanthrope responded, and Dumbledore smiled knowingly, but there was no humour in it, only conjecture.
'How would you feel about a trip out to the North Sea?'
A/N: Thank you for all the great reviews so far, all appreciated! I hope I managed portrayed Dumbledore's character as more... Dumbledore-y in this chapter. As for some people's questions about where this story is heading, I may or may not be planning to eventually turn it into an AU, but no *Spoilers* (Oooh, Doctor Who reference!) so you'll have to wait and see :) In more depressing news, I'm sorry but I won't be updating for a while for I will shortly be taking my OWL's... eeek! :/