IV.
"Severus?"
They were out on the veranda, watching the waves in the previously uncomfortable chairs that he'd fixed with a Cushioning Charm.
"What it is, my love?"
"Do you really think you're ugly?" Ginny asked, turning her face to him, watching for his reaction.
He leaned back in his chair, quirking his lips up in a sardonic smile. "Am I not?" he asked.
"Don't answer a question with a question, you prat," she said, smiling at him sweetly.
He considered the question for the briefest minute before he answered the truth he'd known for fifty-two years. "Not as much as I used to, but yes."
"Why?" she asked, reaching over to stroke his arm.
"You can't be asking that seriously, Ginny," he said flatly, staring at the wooden slats of the flooring beneath his feet.
"But I am, Severus," she said, her fingertips rubbing up his arm to his shoulder. "Why? Do you really think that, or is it something someone told you that you still believe?"
He sighed, shaking his head. "I look in the mirror every morning and see my own face. I can see my hideous nose, greasy hair, and hollow cheeks. I know how ugly I am."
"Your hair isn't greasy anymore, dear," she said softly, running her hands through the black strands that were streaked with much more silver than they had been during her interview with him over a decade ago.
He smirked. "A minor miracle."
"Hush," she said. "As for your nose, you do realize it's not as big as you think it is?"
Severus rolled his eyes before he turned his face to hers. "Really?" he asked sardonically.
She just kept smiling. "It isn't," she said, giggling a little. "You know, some women revere men with larger noses, since it's a predictor of – "
"Mrs. Snape," he gasped, pretending to be shocked.
She merely continued giggling. "And since you have a larger nose, large hands, and large feet, I'd say you have a trifecta of predictors in that area." She looked at him, veiling her eyes with her eyelashes. "The best thing about you is that it's all quite correct."
"Minx," he said, reaching over to pinch her. He was glad now for the sunburn that was hiding the flush creeping across his cheeks.
"It's true," she said, leaning in to pinch him back.
His lips twitched, as did certain other parts of his anatomy. When he shifted, it had nothing to do with the comfort of the chair.
"As for your 'hollow cheeks', they would fill back out if you started eating normally again. I wish you would," she said softly, her face tensing with worry.
"Mrs. Snape," he said sharply. "You don't to dictate my actions, whether it includes eating or otherwise."
"I don't?" she retorted, her voice tinged with anger. "I don't? Why not?"
"Because that's not the way we work," he said, cutting his eyes at her. "I take care of you. I've always taken care of you and protected you. That's what I do. I don't need a mother," he added, tugging the sleeves of his shirt.
"Do you think that's what I'm trying to do?" she asked, standing to her feet slowly as she balanced the weight in front of her. "I'm worried about you, Severus. You haven't been eating properly since we found out about the baby. Your insomnia is worse than it's ever been. How many points did you take from Slytherin last term while you were prowling around the dungeons, pretending you weren't pacing?"
"How did you know about that?" he asked, genuinely surprised, and also secretly hoping to change the topic of conversation.
She rested her back against the white post behind her. "Because your Slytherins tattled on you. They're worried about you, too." She looked down at her feet. "I also have the old Marauder's Map," she said sheepishly.
"Potter actually decided to part with his father's legacy?" he asked, laughing a little despite himself.
"Actually, Hermione gave it to me a few years ago so that Harry wouldn't be tempted to give it James or Lily," she said, giggling a little before she turned her gaze back to him.
"Smart of her," he said. "It'll make our lives easier when it's time for them to come to Hogwarts, if they end up being more like Potter and your brothers than they are like her."
"That's exactly what I told Hermione," she said with a little sigh as she rubbed her middle. "Can you imagine what it's going to be like, with not only them but George and Angelina's brood and Ron and Lav's twins? Most of them will overlap at some point. I'm already stocking up on Valerian Root."
"Wise of you, my dear," he said. The thought of the multitude of Weasley boys that would soon be reemerging in the school was not what had been keeping him up at night, but it did amuse him to think of the laughter that might return to the school with them. Argus was already slowly counting down the days, re-reading Fred and George's old file in his office, hoping to make sure he would finally stay ahead of any potential antics. George's oldest son, who was Fred's namesake, would be starting his 1st year in the fall.
"We should be glad Fleur is insisting on sending Arthur, Andre, and Louis to Beauxbatons," Ginny added. "As good as Bill was in school I think those three will be worse than Fred and George ever dreamed of being."
He smiled a little and nodded in agreement before looking back up at his wife. "Does it bother you that our little lady won't have any other female playmates in the family?"
Ginny looked confused. "She'll have Lily, Severus."
"You know what I mean."
She shrugged. "Lily is as much of her cousin as the other Weasleys, for me at least," she said, before a little frown quickly passed over her face. It was quickly replaced with a one of her gentle smiles before she pulled out her wand.
"Crescere magnus."
Severus felt his chair shift underneath him and looked down, realizing she'd made it into a small sofa.
"You'll have to remember to fix that when we leave," he said.
"I've been keeping a list."
She sat down next to him and curled up to his side. He put his arm around her shoulders and squeezed her gently to him, enjoying her presence. Looking down at her red head tucked underneath his shoulder, he couldn't resist the compulsion to drop a quick kiss to her forehead. A very feminine sigh floated up to his ears.
"You aren't getting out of answering my questions that easily. But it was a nice try."
He let his head droop forward as a deep groan filled his chest.
"Are you worried that she will look like you?"
"If you'd saw a picture of my mother, you'd understand why," he said. "Imagine a woman with my face."
"I actually would like to see a picture of her sometime, and your father for that matter," Ginny said as she stroked his knee. "You know everything there is to know about my family, and I still know nothing of yours, other than they passed years ago."
"That's all there is to know," he said, trying hard not to grit his teeth and having little success. The words came out angrier than intended. Her hand stilled on his knee before she pulled it away and back into her own lap. He felt her hurt and immediately regretted it.
He scrubbed his free hand over his face. "I didn't mean to speak to you that way. Please accept my apologies."
He felt her nod, though she did not speak out loud.
Damn.
"Talk to me, Ginny," he said, reaching for her hand.
This time she shook her head and stood up slowly.
"Talk to me, Severus," she said. When she turned and started to walk away, his heart sank in his chest.
It's finally happening.
When she quickly turned back around, he tried not to let his surprise show.
"I'm not going to let it go this time," she said. "What is it that's keeping you awake?"
Severus refused to meet her eyes. The thoughts that ran through his mind at night were not things he wanted to burden her with, especially not now.
She walked in front of him and slowly kneeled, resting her hands on his knees. "I miss you. It's more than just missing our real playtime. You've been hiding something, and it's hurting you. It's hurting me, too."
He turned his head away, unable to look at her.
"Severus," she said, squeezing his knees with her hands.
He shook his head and closed his eyes, only seeing the memories he was trying to escape rolling by like a picture show on the backs of his eyelids. He quieted his mind, slowly moving the thoughts away until they were completely gone.
When he opened his eyes again, she was still there, peering up at him with a curious expression on her face. She nodded, as though she was making a decision.
"Do you see this little scar, just above my knee?" She lifted her skirt a little to show him what he knew to be the first cut she ever made on her body.
He nodded and said, "Yes."
She leaned forward and kissed his lips gently.
"Did I ever tell you about it?" she asked.
"You said it happened your 6th year."
"It did," she said, rubbing the scar lightly with her thumb. "But I never told you the circumstances, did I?"
"No."
"Did you ever find that to be odd, considering I told you about every other one?"
He shook his head. "I figured you would tell me if you wanted me to know."
She considered this and bit her lip. "I didn't want you to know. I've been hiding things too, Severus."
For the first time since she Vanished her Little Bag and new cuts no longer appeared, he felt genuinely afraid.
"Ginny, you haven't been – "
"No, Severus. It's not that." She frowned and looked at her hands. They were shaking a little, just as they did when she was tempted.
They became tight, little fists, and the tremors ceased.
"You don't have to tell me," he said, grabbing her small, strong hands into his own.
"I do." She took a deep breath. "I didn't want to tell you this, because I was afraid it would hurt you. But I'm tired of us keeping secrets from each other. I did this," she said, pulling a hand free to point at the cut again, "after I served detention with you at the beginning of that year. I caught you looking at me while I was scrubbing cauldrons in Dungeon Five, though you thought you were hiding behind your hair. I was watching you, hiding behind mine."
He drew in a sharp breath and felt that his throat had constricted tightly. Fighting against it, he breathed in and out, slowly, just has the Healers at St. Mungo's taught him. He remembered that day vividly. Her hair was loose, spilling down her back in a wave of color against the dank dungeon. With the Dementors at the school and all the light and happiness gone, she had been the most beautiful thing he'd seen in weeks.
He started to shake his head, hard and quick, attempting to cancel out what he just heard.
"It's true," she said. "I've tried very hard not to think about it, because I didn't want to hurt you. I understand what it's like to hold things in and not to react well to the hurt. When I saw the look in your eyes that night, like you actually gave a damn about me, it made me angry. I felt helpless to do anything about it – about the anger. I ended up cutting myself with the knife from my potions kit. The next day I began restarting the DA with Neville and Luna."
He wanted to cover his ears with his hands, or better yet use a time turner and change everything from that night. "I caused you to cut yourself the first time?" he asked brokenly.
She nodded. "I did it to myself, Severus, but yes," she whispered. "It was in response to that."
He knew she was near tears, and honestly so was he. The burn in his eyes felt like fire.
"Severus, I meant what I said all those years ago over tea. I forgive you. I still forgive you. That will never stop."
She leaned forward and kissed him again, but he couldn't respond. His lips felt like two unmovable pieces of stone.
"I love you. I've loved every bit of you – good, bad, or otherwise – for probably longer than I care to even admit," she said, squeezing his knee as he tried to shut his eyes. He kept them open. "Whatever is hurting you, I want to know. The truth must out, eventually."
She rested back on her heels and laid her head on his lap. The gesture was not sexual. She was seeking comfort from him as he wanted to seek it from her.
It was his undoing. His throat became unbearably tight as tears coursed down his face.
"Ginny," he whispered, running his hands over her head. "What did I do to you? What do I keep doing to you?" he asked, trying very hard not to sob.
"You didn't make me who I was back then. I did that to myself," she said, looking up at his face with completely dry eyes. She brushed her thumbs over his cheeks, trying to change the course of his tears. "You have always had my expressed consent about everything else. Every side of you that comes forth brings me closer to home, because my home is with you. What I want more than anything is your home to be with me."
She kissed him again, her hands stroking his face as he willed himself to respond to her but failed.
When she pulled away from him, he looked helplessly into her eyes. She was so open to him now, more so than she'd ever been before. He felt her love for him – her improbable, nonsensical love for him. He wanted to rest and make his home there, but he finally realized that he couldn't do it, not the way that it could be, not with the barriers that he'd set up.
After he cleared his throat and closed his eyes, he spoke almost the same sentence that he told Albus over thirty years ago, after he came back to Hogwarts the fall of his 7th year.
"My father abused both my mother and me, verbally and physically, from the time I got my Hogwarts letter until the day he finally killed her."
He opened his eyes and looked at her face, seeing that her expression had changed from worry to grief stricken agony. She drew him into her warm embrace, pressing him so close to her that he felt his daughter kick his own stomach.
"Where is he now?" she asked.
"Hell. He died in a Muggle prison shortly after the Battle of Hogwarts."