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HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED ALIVE AND AT LARGE!
In a brief statement Friday night, the Ministry of Magic confirmed that He-Who-Must-Not-Be Named has returned to this country and is active once more.
"It is with great regret that I must confirm that the wizard styling himself Lord — well, you know who I mean — is alive and among us again," said Fudge,
looking tired and flustered as he addressed reporters. "It is with almost equal regret that we report the mass revolt of the dementors of Azkaban, who have shown themselves averse to continuing in the Ministry's employ.
We believe that the dementors are currently taking direction from Lord — Thingy. "We urge the magical population to remain vigilant.
The Ministry is currently publishing guides to elementary home and personal defense that will be delivered free to all Wizarding homes within the
coming month." The Minister's statement was met with dismay and alarm from the Wizarding community, which as recently as last Wednesday was receiving Ministry assurances that there was "no truth whatsoever in these persistent rumors that You-Know-Who is operating amongst us once more."
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VAMPIRE AT THE MINISTRY, YOU-KNOW-WHO RETRUNS!'
Vampiress Mircalla spotted at Ministry following attack by He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named!
Sources inside the ministry report witnessing visiting vampiress Mircalla; currently going by the name Carmilla, fighting against escaped Death Eater Bellatrix Lestrange, managing to critically injure and capture her. After You-No-Who's successful escape she proceeded to turn over a severely bleeding Lestrange to the custody of Ministry Aurors on the scene for healing and interrogation. The three hundred and sixteen year old vampire suffered minor abrasions and several gashes from an unidentified dark curse but was otherwise unharmed.
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SIRIUS BLACK INOCENT, CALLS FOR TRIAL!
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HARRY POTTER: THE CHOSEN ONE?
Rumours continue to fly about the mysterious re-cent disturbance at the Ministry of Magic, during which He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was sighted once more. "We're not allowed to talk about it, don't ask me anything," said one agitated Obliviator, who re-fused to give his name as he left the Ministry last night. Nevertheless, highly placed sources within the Ministry have confirmed that the disturbance centered on the fabled Hall of Prophecy. Though Ministry spokeswizards have hitherto refused even to confirm the existence of such a place, a growing number of the Wizarding community believe that the Death Eaters now serving sentences in Azkaban for trespass and attempted theft were attempting to steal a prophecy. The nature of that prophecy is unknown, although speculation is rife that it concerns Harry Potter, the only person ever known to have survived the Killing Curse, and who is also known to have been at the Ministry on the night in question. Some are going so far as to call Potter "the Chosen One," believing that the prophecy names him as the only one who will be able to rid us of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. The current whereabouts of the prophecy, if it exists, are unknown, although-
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DOLORES UMBRIDGE ARRESTED, MINISTRY SANTIONED HIGH INQUISITOR TORTURED STUDENTS!
Children as young as twelve... blood quills... reported to have used Cruciatus curse on-
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FUDGE DEAD!
Early this morning Cornelius Fudge was found dead in his office... ongoing investigation... no comment.
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RIOTS CONTINUE, FOUR DEAD!
Riots continue in the wake of wide spread outrage at Ministerial failings.
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BONES SUCCEEDS FUDGE!
Amelia Bones, previously the Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, has succeeded Cornelius Fudge as Minister of Magic. The appointment has largely been greeted with enthusiasm by the Wizarding community, though rumours of a rift between the new Minister and head Auror Rufus Scrimgeour, surfaced within hours of Bones taking office. The Minister's representatives admitted that she had met with Dumbledore in the days following taking possession of the top job, but refused to comment on the topics under discussion. Albus Dumbledore is known to (ctd. page 3, column 2).
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