xxx

Kakashi handed Sakura the bottle and she drank yet another mouthful. It was cheap whiskey, really, but Sakura had stopped grimacing at the taste a long while ago. Instead, she took another swig and placed the bottle between her spread legs. Kakashi reclined his head against the wall of his bedroom, staring at his bland wall. Sakura might have been beyond drunk, but he was just past being buzzed. One of them had to remain functional.

Kakashi turned his head to her. He wanted to tell she was going to make herself sick. "Are you going back home tonight?"

Sakura snorted, spilling some whiskey on her pant leg. "Yeah. I'm sure I'll get past your door before I pass out."

Kakashi took the bottle from and she relented it. "I'll get you a shirt to sleep in."

Kakashi stood up, making it to his dresser without too much trouble.

"I really thought I'd get married, you know."

"I know."

Sakura swallowed a sob, drowning it in more whiskey. "I can't believe he's dead."

"I know."

Kakashi returned to her and kneeled by her feet. He tugged at her pants until he could push them behind him, then straddled her. Sakura was avoiding looking at him at all, the bottle still to her lips. Kakashi took it once more, placing it out of her reach. He saw Sakura scowl, but she didn't fight when he pulled her shirt above her head. Neither did she when he removed her bra.

"It's not fair."

"That I'm fully clothed and you're wearing nothing but panties?" Kakashi tried to joke. When he tried to put the shirt on her, though, she swatted his arms away, leaving him to stare at her. It wasn't the first time he saw her naked, of course, though he had to admit it was the first time in his bedroom, and that she reeked of alcohol. "Put it on, Sakura."

"No."

"Fine. Stay naked, if that makes you feel better."

Kakashi tried to move away from her, but she caught his arm and pulled him back. "Why are you all dressed?"

"Sakura," Kakashi warned.

"What?" Sakura sat up straighter, slipping her hands under his sweatshirt to roll it up his ribs. "Take it off."

He did, because it was far too warm to sleep in it anyway.

"I'm still nakeder than you."

"Then put the shirt on, Sakura."

"No."

"Why?"

Sakura frowned, the beginning of tears gathering at the corner of her eyes. "I'm not a little girl anymore."

"I know."

This time, Sakura let him move away. Though, she almost made him regret giving her a better range of movement. Sakura stood up only to sit on his bed, kicking her panties off her feet. Kakashi picked them up and tried to wrestle them back up her legs, but Sakura was having none of it.

"Do you really hate my body that much?" Sakura sniffed, hands grabbing at his shoulders to pull him higher.

Kakashi gave up putting any clothes on her and laid her down on the the bed, placing a kiss on her cheek. "Of course not, Sakura."

That, again, was not enough for her. Sakura grabbed his cheeks and kissed him. Although she tasted terrible, Kakashi returned it, before he broke away. Sakura frowned and her lips reached for his again, but he pulled away. Undeterred, she ran her hand over his crotch.

"You're hard."

Kakashi looked away, swallowing a sigh. "Of course I am."

Clumsily, he wrapped his arms around her body and moved them so he could put her head on his pillow and pull the covers over them. Sakura rolled on top of him, straddling his hips.

"Kakashi…"

Sakura rolled her hips into his, rubbing along his length with surprising precision for her drunken state. In the back of his mind, while he rolled them over, Kakashi swore to never be around a drunken Sakura again.

"Sleep," Kakashi said as he pinned her arms to her sides.

"You want me, don't you?" Sakura asked, her voice quivering.

Reluctantly, Kakashi caught her lips in another kiss, lingering longer than he had planned. "You're drunk. You'll hate me tomorrow."

Of course, Sakura was only encouraged. She locked her legs around his hips and trapped him in another languid kiss. "I won't."

Kakashi's breath was coming short. He let her play him for a moment, either too weak or tired to fight back. The muscles in his abdomen tensed when she wrapped her hand around his shaft and starting pumping.

When he finally gathered the oxygen to do so, he pressed his lips to her ear and whispered, "I'll hate myself tomorrow, if I do this."

That was enough to freeze Sakura. She swallowed visibly and waited for him to tear himself from her before rolling on her side. Kakashi fell on his back on his half of the bed, expelling all the air from his lungs.

For the better part of the night, he listened to her cry, saw the tears she hid under his pillow.

xxx

Chapter Twelve: Hanging by a Thread That Slips Between My Fingers

…

Sakura closed the door behind her as she slipped silently in Tsunade's office. She knew they would be alone; no one visited Tsunade at this hour of the day. Nobody wanted to be around when Tsunade began to drink. Sakura cared little, though, having been on the brunt end of her shishou's temper too many times to be affected by it still.

"What are you doing here, Sakura?" Tsunade sighed. She'd just been taking the bottle of sake out of her desk. "I don't recall summoning you."

"I had to talk to you, Shishou," Sakura said, standing at the foot of Tsunade's desk. "About yesterday."

"You defy my orders," Tsunade scoffed. "Now you come tell the Hokage what to do?"

"Yes, Shishou." Sakura clasped her hands behind her back, hiding the nervous fidgeting of her fingers.

Tsunade laughed and reclined in her chair, lifting her legs only to drop her heels on her desk. The wood creaked under the impact, but stood strong regardless. "Have a seat, then."

Sakura did as she was asked and sat on the chair to her left. Disobeying her orders hadn't been a light decision, and Tsunade would have to know nothing of Sakura to think so. Tsunade had been the one to drill her strength into Sakura; with it had come an even stronger will and desire to do right.

"Yesterday," Sakura began, laying her elbows on her thighs as she leaned forward. "The contract. You were buying Iwa so they would side with us if there's a war."

"Yes," Tsunade replied simply. She drank straight from her bottle, paying Sakura little attention. "You're not an idiot. Get to the point."

"Then you mean to start a war, soon, don't you?"

Tsunade nodded. Sakura did her best to calm the quickening pace of her heart. Never before had she dared go headfirst against Tsunade, but she couldn't back down now.

"The Kazekage offered a deal," Sakura said. "They would have let us go if you gave them Ame without a fight. If you gave it to them now, there wouldn't be a war."

"I won't do it." Tsunade laid her hands on her stomach, looking Sakura straight in the eye. She wasn't angry, rather only calculating. "You wonder why I would be such a greedy old fool."

"Yes, Shishou."

"What do you think happens if Suna decides that Ame still isn't enough?" Tsunade's eyes remained locked with Sakura's, searching. Sakura's back stiffened under her gaze. "Ame is a good source of revenue, but are you sure it can shoulder a country all on its own?"

Sakura had never delved too deep in politics, preferring to avoid them in favor of the hospital. There, everything was reigned by logic and weighed risk. Saving one more patient was all that mattered; all that should matter.

"Iwa is on the sidelines, watching all of this unfold. They hear rumors and they can see what's coming." Tsunade took a long swig of sake. "They calculate. Our army is greater than Suna's, yes, but not greater than theirs and Suna's combined. Tell me, what do you think follows?"

Sakura frowned, pausing to think. "Suna would have offered a larger portion of the benefits, but came with greater risk. Hisao sided with you for a certain victory and decent benefit. At best, you avoid war and they reap their reward free of charge. At worst, casualties and destruction will be mostly on Konoha's side."

Tsunade nodded. "Why did I not call off the mission and give up Ame, then?"

"The knowledge of our temporary weakness spread." Sakura hung on her head, staring down at the floor to hide her face. "Even if you gave Ame, Iwa sees an opportunity. We appear weak. It's a good time for an enemy to strike."

"You're smart," Tsunade said, nodding. "We're all old fools, obsessed with finding the dagger before it can stab us in the back. So much that we grab the dagger ourselves, and…"

Sakura watched in silence as Tsunade's voice drifted off. Tsunade's eyes looked out the window, distant and replaying old memories. Tsunade, too, had seen war more than once. Only now, Sakura realized that Tsunade was as terrified as they all were. Terrified to put the village's safety in jeopardy, whether it be by avoiding war or heading right into it. There were no good exits.

"Will you fight?" Tsunade to Sakura, her hardened mask back into place. "When the time comes, can I count on you?"

Sakura laid her palms on her knees and nodded. Her eyes were on the floor again. "Yes, Shishou."

When the time would come, Sakura would fight at Kakashi's side. She would fight to protect her village and those she loved, all too aware it was at the cost of someone else's life. They, too, had family, loved ones, hopes and desires for their future. She would take it away in an instant, without hesitation, because she was selfish. They were all selfish. And she hated herself for it.

...xxx...xxx...xxx…

Sakura wished she didn't have to speak when Kunan opened the door. Her lips were shut tight and she only wanted to run away, to ignore it all. All of them. Everything. She stepped into his apartment when he moved to let her in. Her eyes scanned the room quickly, identifying every little detail she had gotten used to in the past few weeks. The cracked cupboard, the peeling paint above his bed, the blood stain on the floor…

"Sakura."

Sakura snapped back to attention and turned towards Kunan. He had known something was up the second he opened the door, but he was patient. His back was stiff, his eyes a little harsher than they usually were. He didn't want to hear what she had to say, but he braced himself for it regardless.

"I'm sorry," Sakura said, lacking the energy to be more tactful. "I slept with Kakashi. I'm sorry."

Kunan stepped closer to her, cocking his head to have a better view of her face. "It was bound to happen."

"Aren't you mad?" Sakura whispered, looking up at him through half-closed eyes. "Even if you knew."

"Yes, I am." Kunan brushed a strand of hair from her face and swallowed, his adam's apple bobbing. "I never claimed you as mine, though. You were free to do what you wanted."

Sakura frowned, her fingers toying with the hem of her shirt. "I know we were never officially together, but still…"

"I didn't ask you for a steady relationship because I knew you couldn't do it," Kunan said, cupping her cheeks in his hands. "I thought I could love you - and I do, now - so I took a chance. I knew Kakashi wouldn't disappear. What matters is what you decide now."

Sakura didn't know what to say. She didn't want to speak or choose. Kunan's eyes were on her, expecting and apprehensive. He had thrown himself without a thought into this and Sakura admired him for it - loved him for it. She had tried, too. Only, she couldn't help but try and grasp any hint of a chance to stop falling. She was too scared, too hesitant. She couldn't stop looking over her shoulder for Kakashi.

"I realize you love Kakashi," Kunan finally said, his hands slowly sliding down to her shoulders. "I don't hold it against you; I understand. I did from the beginning. I offered you an opportunity to move forward. Do you want it?"

"I don't know," Sakura whispered, her eyes sliding shut.

"I warned you what he would do to you," Kunan breathed out, gently pressing his forehead against hers. "I see even now how he hurts you deeper everyday. I don't know what he said you to you last night - or what you said to him - and I don't care. You can choose to walk away from it. You don't have to endure it."

Sakura blinked away the tears that formed in her eyes. They spilled and rolled down her cheeks, leaving wet trails that Sakura didn't have the energy to wipe away. "I can't. I can't leave him behind."

Kunan exhaled sharply and pulled her into his arms. Sakura threw her arms around him, too, hanging on for dear life. She didn't want to lose him, either.

"We can discuss this again," Kunan began, arms still tight around her. "When the war is over and we have a clearer mind, all of us."

"You're not telling me to leave you alone?" Sakura croaked, her throat clogged between the tears and sobs that threatened to overwhelm her. "You should hate me already."

The corner of Kunan's lips lifted in a sad smile. He looked down at her, and just now, Sakura saw he, too, had new lines around them, deeper than she remembered. "I don't want to. You're not the only who can't let go of something, Sakura."

"I'm sorry." Sakura hugged him tighter. Guilt nipped at her, weighing down on her heart along with the rest of the pile that already lied on it. It would tip over and come crashing down, but for now, Sakura could somehow balance it. "I'm so sorry."

...xxx...xxx...xxx…

It hadn't taken long until it was official. Suna and Konoha were at war and the battle would happen within the coming days. Already, they were marching towards Suna, in neat rows that certainly looked tidy from a bird's view. On the other side, Suna was doing the same. The troops were rallied, the chiefs riling up the soldiers for the battle. Fight for your nation, they yelled. Make Konoha proud. All kinds of pretty things that made all of them feel satisfied and like they were doing the right thing.

Sakura didn't care for any of it. A few of her comrades, younger than her, bought into the hype. They were the age she had been during the last war and were as eager to prove themselves as she had been then. Now Sakura remembered the solemn face Kakashi had worn - the one she wore now - and no longer thought of it as strange that he wasn't thrilled about defending their world. No matter who won, they would suffer.

When her feet sunk in Suna's sands, the weight on Sakura's shoulders nearly crushed her. It was time. The strategy had been discussed and she would play her part in it now. Kakashi was at her side, leading their division. He led them to the battlefield, where they would wait for Suna to arrive. They had traveled the distance quickly, too quickly for Suna to already be in Konoha territory. Their plan was off to a good start.

Sakura activated her seal and stepped behind Kakashi. Others took their place besides them, ready to shield them from any oncoming attacks. Already in the distance, they could see the other army approaching, with no choice but to press on and ignore their disadvantage.

Kakashi kneeled before her, his back to her, so her hands would be steady and solid on his shoulders. He, too, needed her to be strong and unwavering. His hands started forming the seals and Sakura let her chakra flow into his body, fueling him with all the destructive force he needed to accomplish his task.

Sakura hated it. Hated how her heart raced when the water dragons appeared and roared. Everyone around them watched with wide, round eyes and gasped. There weren't only one or two dragons, but dozens of them, all at least triple the size of what Kakashi would be able to summon by himself. They roared again and flew into the sky, only to come crashing down on the ground, at the feet of Suna's army.

They turned the sand to mud. They weren't so far away now, Sakura could see them getting their feet caught into it, slowing their pace to a crawl. More dragons followed, though they were fewer. This time, they crashed into each other, creating a drizzling rain over the first few rows of shinobi.

Sakura closed her eyes when the lightning dogs followed. Kakashi had always had an affinity with dogs; it was only fitting he'd mold his jutsu into them. Sakura couldn't quite recall what dog would stand as tall as she did, though. There were too many of them too count. They charged for the enemy, melting onto them like the hungry animals they were.

They screamed, but Sakura was deaf to it. In the back of her mind, Sakura remembered the few patients who'd been subjected to lightning jutsu who she'd had to treat. There was always some place where they charred as if they'd been burnt. It was where the electricity flowed into their body. The second charred part of flesh was where it exited. It looked only like a mild injury, but Sakura knew their insides were fried. Cooked through by the jolt, if it was strong enough. There was no coming back from it.

Kakashi began the last set of seals. She would leave, after this. He breathed fire onto the battlefield, spreading it everywhere the sand had been wet and solidified it. There were more screams. Sakura blocked them out.

"Go," Kakashi said as he stood. "I'll handle things here."

Sakura nodded and slid her hand down his shoulder to his hand. In the distance, Sakura couldn't miss the hundreds of corpses piled onto the other end of the battlefield. His fingers closed around her palm, squeezing it before he let go and Sakura fled the battlefield

They had agreed she would be of more use at Tsunade's side. Tsunade had already summoned Katsuyu. Sakura lost no time and reached for the scroll in her jacket. She called Katsuyu's sister, certain they couldn't have too much help today. The slugs' bodies melted and formed hundreds of smaller slugs, carrying Tsunade and Sakura's chakra to the battlefield and the wounded.

When Sakura glanced at Tsunade from the corner of her eye, she saw she, too, had activated her seal. Tsunade's henge had fallen, revealing her for how old she truly was.

"Shishou!" Sakura called, worried. The more chakra Tsunade expended, the deeper the lines in her face grew. "Shishou! I'll handle this. Don't expend too much chakra, or this time you'll - "

"Sakura." Tsunade's voice was affectionate, only increasing the strength with which Sakura's heart beat against her ribs. "Save your strength. I've done my time. Konoha needs a breath of fresh air. The best an old hag like me can do is make sure the younger generation doesn't shorten their life at my expense."

"Shishou!" Sakura cried out, though she remained focus on the transfer of her chakra.

"I've already recommended you as my successor to the elders, Sakura," Tsunade said, offering Sakura a wrinkled smile. "Now don't cry. Show me what we're capable of together. I want to see it again."

Sakura nodded. Tears flowed down her cheeks and she didn't try to fight them, disobeying Tsunade once more. She wanted to fight, scream and kick, but she didn't. This one order, she wouldn't disobey, because she understood. Tsunade was old. The very jutsu they were using had ravaged her body and would do the same to Sakura if she used it extensively. Sakura didn't mind, though. Tsunade had sacrificed her body for others, and she would do the same without a second thought.

...xxx...xxx...xxx…

Night had fallen before the first assault was over. Suna had retreated, beaten down into submission by Konoha's army. They would be back the next morning, no later than sunrise. They still had some fight in them, after all. Iwa had already retaken Ame in Konoha's place; they'd received the messenger when the sun had set. Suna hadn't expended a large part of its force to guard Ame, knowing they'd need it elsewhere.

Sakura panted as she ran through the field. The stench of dead bodies hung in the air and Sakura did her best not to breathe it in, covering her mouth and nose with a rag. Kakashi and her team hadn't reported back yet. They hadn't been in the same division and only gave Sakura more ground to cover in order to find them. Sakura's pace crawled to a stop when she followed a trail of bodies into the forests of Konoha, the one that lined the border. Her team had been defending the border.

Still, Sakura found no trace of them.

"Kakashi!" Sakura shouted at the top of her lungs, scanning the forest for him. "Kakashi!"

Sakura whirled around when she heard a noise behind her. A hand poked through from under crumbled earth and Sakura sagged with relief. Kakashi had hidden underground. Sakura hurried to him, knowing he wouldn't be in a good state if he'd had to hide. Kakashi undid his jutsu, pushing the ground away from him.

Sakura dropped to her knees when she recognized Akemi, laying on top of him. "Kakashi!"

Kakashi looked up at her. His face was covered with blood and he held Akemi and Hajime against him. The children looked up at her, their wide and terrified eyes a sore sight to be seen. They stood, throwing themselves to her and leaving Kakashi to lie by himself on the ground. Sakura wrapped her arms around them quickly, but then let go just as fast, crawling to Kakashi.

"You're hurt," Sakura breathed. He looked like he'd received a nasty blow to the head, and blood was still pouring from a wound on his chest. "Don't move."

Hajime and Akemi remained silent behind their, their calm only aggravating Sakura's raw nerves further. She focused on Kakashi nonetheless. His injuries were too severe to postpone healing. Later, she would thank Kakashi. There was no reason for him to be here, after all. He'd abandoned his post - after securing the victory of his division, surely - to search for her team. He had hidden, instead of pursuing battle. It was all for her sake, whatever excuse he might come up with.

"Where's Hideki?" Sakura asked, dreading the answer.

Kakashi didn't answer. He looked away. Behind her, Sakura heard Hajime burst into tears. Akemi tried to comfort him, to no avail. Sakura grit her teeth and swallowed any emotion that threatened to come up. Kakashi needed her help, now.

"Can you stand?" Sakura asked when she'd provided the necessary first aid.

Kakashi's wounds weren't thoroughly healed, but getting them back to headquarters was more important. There could still be enemies searching for them, hoping to find them weak and exhausted.

Kakashi nodded and leaned heavily on her when she helped him up.

"Let's go, then," Sakura said. It would still be a while before they reached the camp and they all needed to rest. "We've got to go back."

Akemi and Hajime didn't move, though when Sakura barked the order at them again, they scrambled to obey. They stuck to her sides, forcing themselves to ignore the pain and misery the same way she did.

...xxx...xxx...xxx…