Ceremonials

Chapter 8: Seven devils

'Will would never do anything that you don't want?' Warren repeated, as if he couldn't believe that she had actually said that. Layla sighed. All she had meant was that Will wouldn't force himself on her. If she'd said no – like she'd eventually done – he would have stopped. And he had. However, Layla could imagine how Warren's circular logic would turn that into:

Will kissed Layla. Will doesn't do anything Layla doesn't want. Ergo, Layla had wanted Will to kiss her.

It was not the most illogical leap to make.

'I just mean that he's my best friend and...'

'I am supposed to be your best friend,' Warren interrupted. Layla rolled her eyes and linked her arms together.

'Maybe you should be, but you've never shown any interest in the position. Do you remember what you told me at our wedding? Well, it's different for me: I like everyone. I'm serious. Someone has to do a lot of stuff before they get in my bad graces. I put up with a lot from people. Especially from you. Honestly, I've taken more shit from you than I've ever taken from anyone. Too bad that you can't return the favour just once. Too bad that it's too much to ask for you to trust me.'

It was a devastating conclusion to a pretty awful tirade and Layla immediately felt like she's overstated her case. This was the trouble with being nice; being assertive and being nice sometimes clashed. And there was always that niggling feeling after you'd said something mean that made you want to take back your words.

'I forgive you,' Warren suddenly said.

'What!' she blurted out.

'I forgive you for kissing Will or for Will kissing you or for whatever happened. I don't care,' Warren explained. And God forgive her, but she wanted to take it for a second. She couldn't, though. It made her want to cry, but she simply couldn't.

'Warren, no,' Layla protested.

'No, what?' Warren asked.

'I can't accept your forgiveness, because there's nothing to forgive. The problem was never Will kissing me. It's that I barely know you. It's that you don't trust me. You don't talk to me. You don't tell me anything. You're always there for me, but you won't let me do the same for you. You don't let me in, Warren. That's not a marriage! That's not even a relationship. I mean, look at what you did. You cut me out of your life as if it was nothing,' Layla elaborated. Warren shook his head.

'It was not nothing.'

Layla shrugged. How was she supposed to know? He didn't show or tell. Warren raked a hand through his hair and fixed his gaze on her.

'Can't we just go back to the way things were?' he pleaded. She felt bad for putting him through this. He wasn't like this by design; it was his nature.

'You mean: I pretend that I don't want the things you aren't comfortable giving? No. Being apart has made me see how screwed up our relationship was. I can't unsee it now.'

'I thought we were doing fine.'

'We were fine as long as I didn't mind that my needs weren't met.'

Warren reacted in an unexpected way. He took her into his arms and held her. It reminded her of when they first started dating. He had often craved that kind of intimacy then. It was an intimacy he was most comfortable with: his body, hers, wordless.

'I don't want to lose you,' Warren finally admitted, adding, 'But I don't want you to be unhappy either.'

Tears welled up in Layla's eyes. She nodded with her cheek against his shoulder. He began to softly stroke her hair. She took a deep breath and told Warren what she'd been going through.

'I think I deluded myself into thinking you'd change eventually,' she whispered. 'That you'd realise that I was not going anywhere and you'd feel secure enough to open up to me. After a while, I started to believe that you were never going to get there. What would it take to make you feel safe?'

It had taken Layla a long time to know that any effort on her part was wasted. That safe place: Warren needed to get there on his own. Slowly, she removed Warren's arms and stepped out of his embrace. Warren's face... he looked so lost.

'Tell me what I can do to fix this. Tell me what I have to do to make you happy,' Warren demanded, determined.

'Let me in. I kept waiting for you to let me in, but you never did and I couldn't do it for you.'