BLINDING CHAPTER HUZAHHH

Log 21

10:18 pm Initiating automatic Black Box recording. Criteria(s) met: high levels of stress, high levels of anger, high levels of despair

No

No

There must be a logical explanation

There has to be. External stress, pressure, the job is taxing, yes, I understand

Old habits die hard

Is she holding it for someone, confiscated? Is that any better of an explanation?

She is addicted

No, she told me

She's dealing it

No!

Denial. What are the facts?

Hands shake, open to be sure. Metal seal breaks, the smell is acrid.

It's brilliance, not the putrid smell of true brew but the scouring scent of the synthesized version.

Doesn't make it any better

Seven full vials of brilliance.

I... can't believe

I...refuse?

I

Chest hurts

Betrayed

Lied to

Made a fool of?

Wouldn't she know that I would find out eventually?

Mocking me?

So his logical mind would offer a solution; not to mention it and avoid rejection. To deal with breaking the news at a later date, perhaps after I find that love is something acceptable.

Professor's logic, sound for him.

This is not the professor, this is Vi.

Vi

The woman of a million variables

An anomaly

I trusted

"Did you find it Cup-"

I trusted her so much

"Oh fucking shit."

Something

She sent me into her room to grab something, rememb-

Fucking brilliance

i want to toss it at her. Rage bubbles, curdles, wants to spill over.

She promised

That night, after the talk in the office. I ate up her words, swallowed them like candy. They warmed my heart, to know that she understood my concerns, that she could tell me anything. That I could be her brilliance to take the edge off of life with times got hard. That she was my catalyst.

Each other's drug

We are all addicted to whatever makes the pain go away.

A lie, a ruse, why hadn't I seen the signs?

Evening picnic on the roof of the station, eyes shining bright like the stars above.

I overlooked the facts because I wanted to believe that she was clean. Simply the result of whatever the Zaun scientists did to her eyes, nothing to worry, she promised me. Rose-tinted glasses.

She promised.

"Caitlyn, please, I-"

"No Vi, just stop."

It hurts, hurts more than I expected.

Oh cogs why does it hurt. This is why I would've refused the criteria of love. Fear of this feeling.

The depthless empty, the iron grip, there are no words.

I'm sure she can explain. Calm down, be logical, Focus Caitlyn.

"I can explain."

A grasping hand, it grazes for a moment. Heart shatters again, a touch I associate with care and compassion.

Give her a chance

I already gave her one

She promised me, I promised her.

Father promised, he only wanted the best for me.

I truly believed

I loved and trusted

Father

Vi

Father's crime was much worst than his addiction with catalyst

Not now, no, never. Never again, that memory.

"It's synthesized, no one was harmed."

I want to scream.

I don't give a rat's ass! This is what you have made of me Vi! I don't give a second shit about the city, i could care less if it crumbled and burned. I once took an oath to protect them but now all i care about in this very moment is you.

Do you remember the time when paper work piled high on my desk. You thought that it was just damage reports, which is true but that was not all. I couldn't focus, the papers meant nothing when it was you was patrolled the streets to bring her in.

Those days at the station, listening for the news, hearing casualty after casualty from Jinx's games.

The deaths blurred into numbers.

And though I don't believe that is a god.

I prayed that I would never hear your name on the radios. I prayed that i would not have to sign a paper with your name printed before the words 'in the line of combat'.

i signed so many during that time.

But soon enough, they all just became a number.

You are more than a number.

You are Vi.

My Vi

My love.

You are more than the city is worth and that's why it hurts.

Flaming cogs, it hurts even though i knew this would come, expected to be hurt one day because of loving you.

Words to express the fire, the void, the thing churning and clawing at the inside of my chest.

I care about your well being and this drug. Brilliance, it sucks it out of you. Though your eyes shine bright, they are blank and dead. There are times where it feels as though i should pull the lids closed over your glassy stare and lay a flower a top your crossed hands.

Rambling

Your face is soaked with tears and I can see it now. I look for it and i find it. behind the veil of your sadness, the creeping blank gaze. Haunting, eating away your life. Vi, don't you understand, you may be near superhuman, but things like this catch up eventually.

And I don't want to lose you

Selfish, you would say with a smirk and a kiss.

It hurts So. Fucking. Much.

One slip, hot tears will tumble down.

Keep a face

Defense mechanism

Distance, disconnect, leave

Hold her tight, tell her that it'll be alright. I understand, be concerned about why she is hurting. I wanted to help her heal.

I can't, Not right now.

I need time to think, to sort it out

But I understand. Rational action would be-

Rationality can go suck a tit.

Black Box is insistent, as if it understands human emotions.

Blue light

Transport station, diplomats milling about, politics watching new league matches between…?

Bandle City vs. Shurima

Between whom is doesn't matter

Keep a face, hold the tears. Nod to acknowledge, push past, walk with a purpose, no one willing to interrupt.

Three minute trip back to the flat.

It will kill her. Whether she is using it, dealing it, no matter. Simply being around it will get her hurt one way or another.

I can't keep her safe

I don't want to lose her.

Back against cold, lifeless wall. No comfort, I wish it was her arms.

They finally fall. It comes crumbling down.

No other sound but sobbing

I want to make it stop

It's good for me, crying is natural

I can't make it stop

Pathetic

Weak

Strong arms, an embrace, security. Words to tell me that I'm not alone

A memory, it makes my heart clench harder.

'If' I were to lose her.

it is inevitable is it not? Things begin, things end. And so it goes.

To be tethered to something enough to be called love, it is dangerous.

And yet I love her. I love her so so much.

I need her so much

She would make some witful joke, boasting how she will hunt down and punch whichever politician ruining my day straight in the face. Then the balls. Then in the face again

And then the face one last time for good measure.

A bitter chuckle.

the memory brings happiness instead of grief.

Perhaps the professor's logic was truly sound.

Silence

It's odd, once more, focusing, there is indeed a constant hum in the back of my mind.

Avoiding the issue.

Close eyes, think.

Why would she not come to me? What pushed her into returning to catalyst. What was so painful-

Why?

No. Not important. Why is something I can ask her, why is trivial. Better question.

How can I fix this?

She is vulnerable and hurt. Even before me finding out her secret, she was already hurting enough to return to brilliance. It's my fault, I should've stopped myself.

Focus. Don't live in the past.

Live in the present.

No self pity.

Fix it

Deep breath

Action is needed.

What if she needs a moment to think. She would be just as shaken as I am. What would I even talk to her about, what would I say?

Start over

Deep breath

Time to think, to do some self healing

Reconnect

Two bags of flour, a dozen eggs, half a gallon of milk, two sticks of butter.

Plenty enough

Pockets of gentle

Status of black box

Processing request:

Log 21

10:18 pm Initiating automatic Black Box recording. Criteria(s) met: high levels of stress, high levels of anger, high levels of despair

As expected.

11:32pm Manually end black box recording